My husband of 20 years just decided not to come home one night. That was at the beginning of June. I now know that he had been planning this for some time. We have had problems and I suggested marriage counselling many times but he would not go. I just never believed in a million years he would do this. At first he told me he just wanted to be alone(didn't believe it). He is with his 25 year old waitress.

I believe I was in shock for the first couple of months. Now it is just unbelieveable sadness. I joined a support group and that has been a help. My daughters(15 & 19) are very angry at their father(they are actually the ones to find out he was seeing someone else before I did although I suspected).

I know in my heart and in my head, that I must go on without him and everyone is telling me what to do(see a lawyer,etc.) He is still paying the mortgage payment and sending me a check every month. I believe he will keep doing this as he wants his kids to believe he is a good person and he wants a relationship with them. I have told them he still loves them very much but what he did was very wrong. I just don't know what my next step should be. I really feel like putting one foot in front of the other is the best I can do right now. Do I really need to see a lawyer at this time? Thanks for the advice and for listening.

Cherishme,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I assume, because you are here, that you do want to work on your marriage still. If so, I recommend you copy your post in the "Emotional Needs" section of the forum. You will get lots of ideas on how to take baby steps forward to make yourself -- and perhaps your marriage -- better. Hang in there. It CAN get better.

Mrs. W8ing

HI Cherishme,
Welcome.... In one way I'm sorry you're here... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />BUT... in another....I believe you have been led here... to possibly restore your Marriage...IT CAN BE DONE!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />At very worst... you will come away from this a better person... MUCH stronger....MUCH wiser.... and MUCH better for your next relationship.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

But first... let's try and save the one you have...we are here for you...tell us more....we don't judge (well most of us..) You will be AMAZED at the similarities in your story and others here...

There is a pattern.... therefore... there is a Plan...


Please (if you haven't already) start by reading about Plan "A" and about His needs and her needs...

There is a LOT of very good information here...

This is hard.. the hardest thing you'll ever go through in your life most likely....
When you need to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />yell.... come here...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> cry.... come here.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> SCREAM...come here.... I don't mean to scare you but if you want to try and restore your Marriage...it will be VERY hard...if you want to quit... it will be easier...only you can know what you want to do...we support at least trying as many.... (around 90%) that follow the principals here have been able to save the Marriage...
AND HAVE A BETTER MARRIAGE THAN THEY EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!!

We won't let you go through this alone.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Here are a few comments about your first post...

First off... I agree withW8ing4signs
you should go to the Emotional Needs or "Just found out.." forums... This section is more for people in divorce already.... you still have a chance to stop that..

YOU SAID "I know in my heart and in my head, that I must go on without him and everyone is telling me what to do(see a lawyer,etc.)"

You may not have to "Go on" and as for calling a Lawyer... we would need to know more about what's going on to help you with that... It really depends on if you still love your Husband...and if you still want to TRY and save your Marriage...20 years is a long time....a lot of history together


My advice would be it wouldn't hurt to TALK to a lawyer... but as for filing for divorce...
DO NOT DO IT TO WAKE HIM UP...SCARE HIM HOME.....MAKE HIM THINK

(People in an affair rarely have the capability to think anyway...LOL)

ONLY FILE FOR DIVORCE WHEN YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT YOUR HUSBAND BACK...WHEN YOU'RE SURE YOU NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER WANT HIM BACK..

and for me it would be if I felt I would be OK with God divorcing...that would be big for me....


ANYWAY.,.. I hope you continue to post... I/we'll be here for you... you can tell us ANYTHING... we're ANONYMOUS remember LOL (Although I have met people hear I count as my family too)

GOOD LUCK & PRAYERS FRANK

Thank you W8ing4signs & Please Help.
I will take your suggestions and go to the other forums. I have never felt so lost in my life.
I know I have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage, but the very sad thing to me is the fact that I really was working on myself and wanted to work things through while he was secretly making other plans <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />. He has told myself and his daughters he is now a better person not being at home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I don't know who this person is and I wonder if I ever did.
Yes, I still love him. He has told me that due to everything I have done and not done he is no longer in love with me. I don't know how you just stop loving someone after 20 years? I don't know how anybody can walk out on their family one day and act like it's just another day? Anyways, I'm just rambling--I will go to the other forums. Thanks for listening.