My wife is very angry at me.


Last year my wife had a six month PA with a man she met at an online dating website. During the six months she called this man hundreds of times on her cell phone. She called him Thanksgiving day, Christmas and New Year's Day, yet she claims she had no emotional connection with him, it was just sex.

She would spend each weekend with him, telling me that she was going to old college female buddy's house. I had blind trust in her so even when my daughter asked me once, "Why does mommy go to dena's each weekend? Why can't she stay with us?"

I replied that she just needed some time for herself to have fun...

I found out about the affair by accident, and at same time found out she was in process of sitting up another one, which she, to this day denies, saying she was just messing around because she was angry at me.

OK, I know this may be confusing..

Before her PA with the random stranger...

I'd become best friends with her best friend, a guy that she basically grew up with. Her entire family welcomes this guy. He comes over at holidays, etc etc. We became best friends, had a lot of same interest(more so than I realized at time I guess) building computers, gaming, home theater etc etc

So for about 5 yrs we were best buddies, and during this time, my wife would try to make me jealous by giving him backrubs and foot rubs while me and his wife were in same room with them. It didn't make me jealous, it made me angry, but I held it in.

Then one day, he tells me that he thought my daughter could have been his because he slept with my wife 2 weeks before I met her. He bragged that he still had the panties from that night. She had told me they slept together once, but she said it had taken place in high school, not 2 weeks before we met...

At any rate, I no longer considered him a friend. I suspect he had anger towards me and held it in all that time until it surfaced. I told my wife about the conversation, she didn't act too upset over it. A week later she goes to see her mother and the "friend" comes over and they stay up all night partying, my wife, her friend and her mother.

When I confronted my wife, she acted mad. We went to a MC and he called her friend an @sshole and that the guy should be far far away from our marriage. So my wife doesn't talk to him anymore, but I think she resents me because of it.

It really messed with my head. Around this time I was on the net a lot. Going to various forums on hardware, writing workshops and game forums. I started talking a lot to a woman online who had a lot of same interests as I did. We became friends. For the first year I knew her, I didn't even really know she was a woman, that was how our converstations went, we didn't discuss things like a man and woman, it was more just geek talk.

I now realize I was in a EA regardless though, we did start emailing each other, trading files on ftp stuff like that. She made me feel good. It wasn't really a tit for tat to get even with my wife. I just thought I had a friend, an electronic pen pal so to speak.

OK, back to present:

So I found out about wife's PA. It crushed me. All the memories of my wife's friend(and one time friend of mine) came flooding back to mix in with this PA she had. I've almost died twice this year because I behaved in the wrong way when i found out. I could have tried to reason it out in my head, but I believe all the resentment and anger I already had mixed in with the new anger and resentment drove me over the edge and I fell back into the bottle again.

I eventually had a ONS. I did the same thing my wife did. I set up an account on a dating site. I thought poorly, but I thought it would help me get rid of the anger and resentment. Well, it did a little, but now I have this tremendous guilt and remorse mixed in with lingering resentments and angers.

My wife is back at trying to track down the online woman I use to talk to.

I haven't talked to this woman since I typed an email to her in april I think, let my wife read it, and then sent it. She hasn't tried to contact me since either. She probably hates me now and I don't care. But my wife doesn't see that.

She complains to me that I am "re-hashing" old stuff if I bring up her friend or her PA from last year, but she has been sending threatening emails to the online woman. She doesn't seem too angry at the ONS. It's more like the ONS has mad her angry at the woman I used to talk to who lives 3000 miles away and had nothing to do with the ONS. I don't understand why she is after a woman I've never met irl or know what her voice sounds like.

More and more she has been placing blame entirely on me. I've sat down and admitted my alcoholism was what put a wall between us. I'm in AA now and sober day by day.

Sometimes she will tell me her affair was not my fault, then other times she will point out that I drove her to it and if I'd been a better man she wouldn't have had to do it. She almost tries to tell me that it was pure torture for her and that that is my fault.

Ugg, I don't know. I just know it's hard staying in the house right now and trying to recover. I go to AA meetings and feel good, then I go home and start feeling bad.

I could go on and on right now. It's like a nightmare. I sense my wife is waiting for me to get drunk, maybe she's even trying to push me there, but it's not going to happen.

I don't know whether I should leave or stay. We both end up doing the he said/she said thing and can't seem to have a normal conversation without jabbing each other about their infidelities.

This year has been really rough. Last november was when she ended the affair, but she kept calling him up until the day before I found out in January.

The OM had the nerve to tell me on the phone that he wanted what was best for our daughter. This coming from a man who answered an ad from a married woman looking for a discreet playmate on a hook up sex website, one of the nastiest websites of its kind.

And my wife is very angry right now.

Wow, talk about a complicated issue. It is amazing how complicated our lifes can get when we start retalitating and keeping scores over grievences.
Your situation has three components to it, making it harder to resolve.

1) You are an alcoholic, and that in itself needs to be resolved because of all the love busting you do with this addiction.

2) Your w/w has had an affair, and from the sounds of it is still in the fog. In addition, she purposely searched online for a date, while being married. I would be curious from her comments whether she was still actively seeing the o/m she was having the affair with.

3) You decided to get even by signing up on the dating website yourself, and helped yourself to a ONS. Its amazing how when w/s are resentful and hurt, they feel entitled to have an affair, which in fact makes things so much worse than if they had just gone to counseling.

Look at marriage building website that has information on Plan A.

I will obstain from giving any advice other than that. This is clearly over my head, but there are some very experienced posters that have gone through this before and will help you out.

Yea the ONS was the worse thing I've ever done in my life.

I feel like I am changing. I'm talking now honestly about things. I've admitted that my alcoholism has made our marriage hard. I've admitted to having the EA and I tld my wife about the ONS hours after it happened. I even, and this was the hardest thing for me to do, spoke aloud that I was sexually abused when I was a kid, and that that was probably the main reason I ventured into drugs and booze and closed down the outside world. But my wife now uses it against me. She got mad that I didn't tell her about it sooner. I really couldn't, in fact it actually came back to me during therapy. I guess I kinda made myself forget about it.

So my wife gets in a fight with the family member in the emergency waiting room and yells at them telling them they were the reason I was on life support. I feel like I've put myself out in the open and she is taking pot shots at me when she gets mad. She once actually suggested I go back to the family member and get them to "do me again"

I'm starting to think that even if I change, she's not going to change. She places almost all our woes on my shoulders alone. To this day she still says her PA was all an accident, that it all started with a pop up on internet explorer.

I've tried to get her to come here to this website but she won't. We've both had IC and MC.

She's abusing her meds right now. Makes it all very hard.

Sorry to hear your story, but I feel for you and hope it gets better. I don't have any great advice since I'm in a similar boat, but thanks for sharing your story. If anything its helpful to hear what others are going through in similar situations. You replied the other day to my post and mentioned your ONS; I wanted to hear more cuz I'm going through the similar desires to get revenge because I want my wife to feel the pain that I have suffered as a result of her decisions. Like yours, my wife says she is not "blaming" me but then she does blame me indirectly by rewriting our 13 year marriage: she had the A cuz she's always hated me and was never happy. Huh?! Sounds like you do not recommend the route of revenge.

I'm 99.9% sure she has not contacted the OM. He thinks I'm a pyscho, not really sure why <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> , so no, I don't think he is in the picture anymore, at least not physically.

When I told her about ONS, she created another account to "track down the b!tch" and I noticed not only was she emailing the woman, but that she'd showed interest to a local guy who responded to her profile. She denies it, says it must have been a mistake, but I know that is really not possible based on the web page layout. I don't even care, I mean she prolly did it as impulse given the mental state she was in over the ONS. I can understand her anger, but I cannot stand the fact she won't be honest with me.

She "doesn't remember" anything about all the phone conversations. Hundreds and hundreds of minutes and no recollection of what was said. She'd get mad if I ask, so I quit asking.

The more I type, the more I think I should move out and work on myself.

SorrowJim, trust me, it will be your worst mistake. Don't do it. It doesn't help any. It will hurt you more than you can possibly know.