Good afternoon, my name is D, and I'm a love addict.

I'm just dealing with the effects of my recovery and divorce, having difficult days and hoping someone can relate or at least find some comments I might post interesting.

Today is one of those days where I used to be triggered in my addiction - anxious, lonely, hurting. I'm trying to find better ways of support - like reaching out to people - rather than doing the things that got me in trouble in the first place.

Prayers of support for all on this forum.

D

Hi D:

Welcome, yes support from others is what we need.

So, you mean you are a ninfo?, ok, well, I don't know much about that, but I do know that the sad part is that you not only want it all day, but you want it with whomever, right?

Gosh, I'll leave this to an expert, I just wanted to tell you we are all in this, but you must also be willing to recover. Recognize your mistakes and not do them again.

Hi hopetexas,

What you are describing is probably a form of sex addiction. As a love addict, I was married to my XW and I had an OW. It wasn't about the sex, it was about the relationship and the attention I got from the OW.

I didn't know that this was an addiction, I thought that it was just that I was a monster because I couldn't stop the A. After D-day, I found that there were recovery groups for these kinds of addictions. I have been going to meetings for 9 months, now, and will continue for the rest of my life to keep from doing this again.

I know that the uncovering of an A is devastating to the BS, especially to my XW. I have been trying to work through my shame and regret for the hurt I caused her.

Hope that fills in more information.

D

I'm curious.... you say it was about the relationship and the attention you got from the OW, so why couldn't you get that from your XW? Why did you feel the need to find someone else to fill those needs?

Good question. First, getting more attention from my XW meant that I would have to increase my intimacy with her - which is what was scary in the first place. I'm a love avoidant addict - I want to be intimate and sharing with my partner, and I am afraid of abandonment - so I don't share all of me.

For me, I wasn't afraid of abandonment from the XOW. I could 'get away' with actions and use the relationship addictively and compulsively because I wasn't afraid of her leaving. The XOW text messaged me and instant messaged me at least every 30 minutes, if not more. That kind of attention isn't healthy in a relationship where I was trying to be healthy - with my XW. I was afraid of being abandoned by my XW, which is why I hid some parts of myself in the first place. I know I was a different person with the XOW versus the XW.

I’m convinced that Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde as a direct personal experience with addiction (his was addictive drugs used to treat tuberculosis). Dr Jekyll was powerless, no matter what his willpower, to succumbing to the actions that turned him into Mr Hyde and the actions that Mr Hyde did while in control of Dr Jekyll’s body. The shame and hiding of the truth and despair of knowing that he can’t stop are major subjects in Dr Jekyll’s story. My own inner addict is like Mr Hyde. When Hyde had control of me, I didn't want to be acting that way and yet I couldn't stop. I couldn't believe that I was doing what I was doing. Jeckyl couldn't forgive let alone accept what Hyde made him do when he was in control of his mind. The sane part of me wanted the A to just go away, and the insane part couldn't let it go and couldn't stop it.

The attention I got from the XOW was a drug. From my XW, it wasn't.

Hope that explains a little better.

D