Hi, I am new to this whole thing, and I had started reading, and was hopeing that maybe someone, out there can help me with my little dilemma. My boyfriend and I recently started living together... we have been together for almost 2.5 years. He has known since day 1 that I am kind of a flirtatious person. He is always jealous... of even our closest friends. And his jealousy ends up turning into a huge arguement between him and I. I love him soooo much and he means the world to me, but he clings too much, and his jealousy is out of control. I just need some advice as to how to handle the situation without hurting his feelings. Thanx.

(((Kim)))

Can I ask you a serious question? Why did you move in with a clingy and jeolous person? Did you expect him to change once y'all moved in together? Are y'all engaged or planning on getting married?

Now let me let you in on a little secret flirting with the opposite sex really has no place in a committed or marital relationship. I, myself, was an extremely flirtation person. I used to say it's just part of my nature when in actuality I was getting something back from that flirting. I was getting my needs met. Once I got engaged I had to look at that whole situation very honestly and carefully and determined that I in fact was getting my needs met there, needs that should be met by my signifigant other, and that it was harmful rather than helpful to my relationship. So long story short, I am no longer flirtatious.

Hi Bill... well to answer your questions, when we moved in together he wasnt a clingy and/or jealous person at all. And thats what I love about him. We arent technically engaged, but he considers me his "fiance." I was flirtatious, but not dramatically flirtatious. I do get my needs met by him, but I am young and I would like to feel a little a live at times, and not so confined. Now with that said, do you think that's bad or is that normal? I am ecstatic because he is everything that a woman could possibly want. It's just that his jealousy turns into rage and then I have to feel sorry about whatever it is that he thinks I have done. Even when I am not flirtatious, he swears up and down that I was. He has no reason to act the way he does, it's not like I've cheated on him, EVER. He is just really insecure about himself and our relationship, and I have tried talking to him about it, but it just keeps happening. He is just so concerned with losing me to someone "better than him" that he doesnt realize that I am with him, we live together and I do REALLY LOVE him.
So now a new question... how would you overcome and rectify a situation like this?

Kim,

How old are y’all?

So let me get this straight. You date Mr. Wonderful for over two years before moving in with him and he shows absolutely no signs of being clingy, jealous, or controlling. Then you up and move and all of a sudden he’s clingy and jealous. Not to mention that even though he’s not willing to make the commitment, he still considers you his fiancé. Does that about sum it up?

OK, I’ll get back to this but first let me answer a couple of your questions?

“””I was flirtatious, but not dramatically flirtatious.”””

That’s relative to what one views as flirtatious. To him you could have been when to you, you didn’t think you were.

“””I do get my needs met by him, but I am young and I would like to feel a little a live at times, and not so confined.”””

I presume you are talking about the clingy thing here and not the flirting because if you are using flirting to feel alive then you are getting needs met outside the relationship.

“””It's just that his jealousy turns into rage and then I have to feel sorry about whatever it is that he thinks I have done.”””

With that let me raise a HUGE RED FLAG. What do you mean by rage?

“””He is just so concerned with losing me to someone "better than him" that he doesn’t realize that I am with him”””

OK, not that it really matters, but let me tell you something, men are more visual creatures by nature. So what do your actions show him? If you say you are with him then flirt with some other guy, what does he see? What you feel is harmless feel good fun, he sees as a threat, can you understand that?

“””how would you overcome and rectify a situation like this?”””

I think y’all have several issues going on here but most prevalent to me is relationship maturity or lack there of by both of you. I am concern at your use of the word ‘rage’ and fear that may turn into emotional abuse. If this is a relatively new problem as you suggested, I would further worry that it’s true colors of control on his part afterall now that you moved in with him and he considers you his non-committed fiancé, the conquest is pretty much over so the battle then begins keeping/controlling his winnings. I am concerned about you in that you fake feelings of sorrow to please him when you feel you’ve done nothing wrong. I’m further worried because you don’t see the harm in flirting when in a committed relationship and that will lead to problems down the line. It’s one of the major reasons this board exists. People harmlessly flirted and got their needs met outside of marriage and before you know it they were in an affair and wrecking lives all around them.

That all being said. You are here and your focus has to be on what you control and that is yourself. So let me ask you, what can you do to improve the situation?

Hi, it's possible you are not even flirting but paying attention to other men. Are these flirtations with men you know or random men you run across with him? Maybe he is acting sullen and so you act up? Yes men notice everything-takes everyone a while to figure that out and it's not your fault.

He is really, really insecure about your relationship and you need to ask him what's up with your status. This way he is finally committed and feels somewhat comfortable. Put on a ring, ask him to set a date, be pushy. If he resists and points to your flirting then he is the one feeling pressured and you can ask him that.

Or just ask him flat out if he still wants to be engaged and if so why not get rings together?


Sorry he is acting immature but he could be 50 or 20 from what I am reading, it's simple fear that you may leave. This is a good time to figure out your goals and find a way to express to him where you want to be living and doing within the next year so you can help encourage each other.

Nat

Do you reassure him that he's the one you love? I think you should start giving all your attention to him. Look to him to help you feel alive. What's going to happen once he doesn't fufill all your needs? You'll just find someone else? I always look at it like, "How would I feel if he was doing what I am?"

If you truly love him, you would not flirt. Flirting has no place in a relationship. How about flirting with him???

But maybe you aren't ready for a serious relationship? Maybe your flirting is a sign that you aren't ready.

Also, he sounds insecure but if my partner was a flirt, I would be insecure.

Could you explain the rage? It is one thing to get upset but does he get violently upset?