FWH and I are having 'disagreements' about the trust issue. As I've written here before he IS being an open book. He let's me know of his whereabouts, leaves his cell phone out indeed all the things I've asked him to do that he wasn't doing during the A. My gut tells me he is being honest in the main. I say in the main because certain things will trigger me, make me feel insecure and then I wonder if he's telling the truth.
He becomes very frustrated that I don't believe him when he is NOW being honest. He understands why I don't trust him...he gets it. In fact I understand and even empathise with what it must be like for him. Emotions are running high, feelings are clouding the logic and we go round in circles. I don't even have to say "I don't believe you" as he has told me he can see it in eyes and he's right. I can't hide my mistrust. Yet if I keep communicating it are we doomed?

I've explained this and my need to snoop to my counselor in IC. She has suggested that I may be obsessing about validating everything FWH is telling me. My 82 old neigbough who has become a great friend througout all this has expressed the same concern! The worry here is that too much pressure is being piled on both of us. I do see we are very much 'bottle nekcing' due to the fact that FWH works very long hours. This stuff can only come out when we're together which is when we have half an hour before he's off to work again. Not a great set up for both our days and potentially dangerous.

OK we all know trust is savaged when we go through betrayal. As much as the WS OWNS the A, their problems, their issues...do we as the BS's OWN the trust? By that I mean does it require a leap of faith to trust again? Do I consciously let go, they are my insecurities that are causing the mistrust NOT the reality of the situation. If the FWH is indeed being 100% honest is it then my 'problem'

I'm trying to understand this on a deeper level (IC will do that to a gal ) to explore the nature of the mistrust and it's implications. Trust is a 2 way street. He trusts me enough to talk about his deep emotions now...a breakthrough!! I trust him enough to talk about my deepest darkest stuff...always have done and still do. My trust issue is with honesty.

How have you dealt with this? Did you take a leap of faith and let go?

As always, thanks for your input and for listening.

No, you don't take a leap of faith and afford trust to an untrustworthy person, that would be insane. You should trust him when he EARNS IT. That is his job, not yours. So, encourage him to work very hard to earn it. You are sorry that he destroyed the trust in your marriage and can help him learn ways to reearn it, but you should not ever afford trust to an untrustworthy person.

Just because he is being trustworthy TODAY does not mean he is trustworthy TOMORROW. He was untrustworthy just yesterday. It will take months and years of demonstrated trustworthy behavior to earn trust back. It took me about 2 years to trust my H again and even so, I will never blindly trust him again. I still watch my back.

I agree with Melody.

Blind leaps of Faith are for your relationship with God, and silly romantic fantasy novels.

Your husband has to earn back trust and it takes time. This is a consequence of his choice to have an affair.

I suspect his long work hours and little time with you is part of the problem. He needs to fix that if he wants to rebuild.

As for the obsessive checking....I lost my need to obsessively check when I basically learned to trust myself to take care of me, and know that I would be OK, even if he was lying.

Trust in ME gave me my peace of mind. I've heard others say something along the lines of Don't invest in a relationship what you can not afford to lose. Are you over-invested?

Willow, how are you? How are things going?

MSA/NTL

The "trust issue" is very difficult when even after discovering many red flags S will not admit to anything inappropriate. You are really left holding the bag. I have learned to trust to a degree as he has promised and upheld NC with OW for months now. We are also in the process of starting up the MB Course again by H's request. However, when there is NO admitting to anything inappropriate you are left with a certain amount of insecurity. Forgiveness is another issue

Tarehurts

(continuing last post)

Forgiveness is another issue. Forgive what?!!!! The only thing concrete to forgive is the hurt of H not wanting to give up an "innocent friendship." Even if it means hurting his S. And all the sneaky phone calls to the OW that H claims is none of anyone's business anyway except for him. As she is only a "friend" anyway. (in my sich that has all stopped as per my ground rules for salvaging our relationship) Sometimes I think the so called BS has a hard time catching up to the so called WS when things seem to be going well as there has never been anything concrete to trust or not to trust in the first place. Only red flags galore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Tarehurts