I've often wondered why some people have such a strong need to always be "in a romantic-relationship" of some sort, regardless of all other events surrounding their lives. WXW has been this way since she was 18 years old and at 43, continues the pattern of never being alone. [Not even for a day.] I have to admit that most of my friends (male & female) are the same.

Although I enjoy and prefer the benefits of a healthy monogamous relationship; I am also quite content being without a significant other. (In looking back, I've never left one person and immediately jumped into another relationship. There have always been months/years between relationships for me and I wonder why I'm like that.) I've thought about this for a few years now and wonder about the pros & cons of each.

Any thoughts?

FR

FR,

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing NOT to have a significant other. If you are happy now, then it's wise that you consider the pros and cons. You will then be better apt to make good choices if/when you ever wish to try involvement a monogamous relationship.

However, if one IS in a relationship it is important to be responsible in maintaining it.

Many people are single and happy. There's nothing at all wrong with that. But for those of us that are in relationships with significant others, it's important to do our necessary part to maintain that relationship.

[color:"blue"]FR,

I wonder sometimes recently why with all the pressures and chaos of raising three children that I would even bother to have more to juggle by being in a romantic relationship.

I know that I have been months and years between relationships so I don't feel like I always NEED one. I also know that I only have a few close friends, who are as busy juggling schedules as I am so we rarely get together.

I think for me, a relationship fill an EN for conversation or companionship. Maybe your ENs are a little different, or maybe you have a lot of close family or friends that fill in that need to be intimate with someone.

V. [/color]

I think some people can't define themselves without a partner - they let their partner define who they are. Not very healthy to me.

I think it's as simple as people fear being alone, or simply don't want to feel the pain of a failed relationship so they jump into another relationship to avoid the pain.

What I see is, they lose themselves in the process. They never learn to be them, because they are always a "part" of a couple.

Kind of sad!

Karona

My step-mother believes that a young woman's value is measured above all by the number and quality of men she attracts. While, intellectually (and with the help of years of therapy) she now recognizes that a woman can be happily unmarried, deep down I think she finds it unnatural and evidence that she just doesn't have what it takes to get a husband.

My mother has been married 3 times and admits that once a man likes her, she's too anxious to make sure he doesn't get away to evaluate whether she really wants to be with him. She definitely used to suffer from the fear that she would spend the rest of her life alone. Now she is alone, but she doesn't seem to mind it as much as she thought she would.

My husband's mother has also been married three times (once widowed). I think she carried the same assumptions as my mother. But just as much, I think she wanted the financial stability of a husband. She wanted to marry a breadwinner and allowed herself to be rushed into a decision. She is married now, but pretty unhappy -- and still constantly worried about finances.

I'm one of those people who apparently prefers to be in a relationship. I was in one from the time I was 15 until he moved out when I was 38. I was by myself for 1.5 years (granted, some of it still officially married, so wouldn't have been looking then anyway). And now I am almost 4 months into a new relationship.

I won't say I was unhappy when I was alone. I was calm, glad I wasn't walking on eggshells, thrilled to be out of the "alcoholic" chaos, and my house was clean. It was peaceful. But I knew then that it wasn't something I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

I like being with a partner. Not because I "need" a partner or because I don't feel whole by myself. Maybe part of it is that I don't have a lot of outside friends, because I was in a relationship from the time I was young. Part of it may be because I'm not a super-social person. I don't really enjoy going out and going lots of "group" thing. I would prefer just sitting watching tv or hanging out with someone.

But I think it comes down for people like me to what our most important EN's are. I know two of mine are conversation and affection. And for me, physical affection in the form of kissing and cuddling is important. It's sort of hard to fulfill that need outside a relationship. And as for conversation, it's nice to have someone to call, someone to share life with, and again for me this comes easiest in a relationship.

So just my two cents.

LL

I agree with these too. For some people, also, their SO can become their entire life - their entire happiness. Many people don't know how to find balance in their life - to find fulfillment, esteem, purpose and joy in many areas. This is something I've worked hard at, and continue to work on. I don't feel like I "need" someone. I've spent several months, after my divorce, and after my long-term R, alone. Even before my marriage, I didn't date much, and was very independent. But I do "want" to share my life with someone - the ups and downs, the joys and sadness, the daily stuff, growing old, dreams and goals. I don't have kids, and I guess some people could say I have a list of excuses, but even though there's plenty of things for me to get involved with, and I HAVE gotten involved with some of them, I'm not very close with my family, and I don't have many friends (a few close, meaningful friends, but not a large social group to go and "do stuff" with), so I'm basically alone, so I want someone to share my life and time with.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that. You're right though. I'm concerned for people that need someone, and need to be in a relationship, and don't give themselves time to be alone sometimes.

Well, it's been a while for me. However, I like being in relationships. Mostly because I really like sex and kissing and all that stuff. As LL said, it's easier and more fun when you have that within a relationship. At least for most women. Also, adult company. All my friends are married. I have NO unmarried local friends. Therefore, I usually have no companionship on the weekends the children are away. Companionship is nice too.

FR,

I'm not one of those people that needs to be with someone all the time either.I was an "only" child and grew up being on my own a lot.So,I definitely like being alone and need to be at times.I could easily be Tom Hanks in Castaway and come back home after 4 years refreshed! LOL.I also have a high boredom threshold.

I love the idea of being married for life and being in the company of an attractive,nice,good hearted man but I think they are hard to find these days and I think I may just be on my own for some time.I am definitely not going to settle for just anyone and if he is not what I want and need then I have no problem saying "so long".If I do meet up with someone one day that I truly care about and love it will be like icing on the cake of my life.

Right now(and always) I have been fulfilled in many other ways and I am having such a grand time taking care of and spending time with my darling children,enjoying my beloved home,being with friends and growing intellectually and spiritually,etc.

I do feel like I have a lot to offer someone one day but if it doesn't happen for me, I will be just fine.

O

I used to be one of those people that thought being in a relationship was what life was all about. Now - 8 months after D-day and a little over 1 month divorced... I am content being on my own. I spend much more time with my 3 remaining children then I ever did.

I do hope that one day I will find "love" again, but in the mean time, I am having fun meeting new people (on-line and off-line).... Frankly - dating scares the bejeepers out of me...lol

Take care,

~Jamie~