This was fascinating to read.

From Day 1 of recovery on, I felt that, since our marriage vows had been blown to bits that I wanted to have new vows at some point.

It came as a surprise when I realized that although I wanted to have new vows someday, I was not ready to say them. I am not able to commit to anything that permanent...yet. I no longer have one foot out the door - I have come back in and sat down - but much of me remains a renter.

I guess the challenge is to merge all the way back into a buyer again. Especially since my FWH has shown nothing but buyer traits in the past going-on-5-months.

Lots and lots of time...

Great thread, Mulan. I've ordered the two books you've suggested.

Now to your question:

After a long period of denial, then D-Day, a period of shock and LBs, I discovered MB and immediately began implementing Plan A, although I did not completely understand it until I started contributing on this forum. Plan A was instrumental in rebuilding my self esteem, just as AD therapy has been integral in recovering my sanity. After a long Plan A, I became strong enough and confident to set boundaries. My set my boundaries lovingly, firmly. I tried to POJA. My boundaries and my efforts at negotiatiating NC with Skunkypoo were trampled over. Plan B was the consequence. My H acting like he is single and entitled to all the prvledges of a wife and me working hard at fulfilling his EN's and being the best person I am capable of is not a real M. The word for adultery in German is "Ehebruch" --- directly translated that is "marriage break". Marriage vows take two.

I guess, somehow as I write this I see that Plan B is just a way of respecting WH's decision. I had been telling him for a year if he wanted to remain together with me he was going to have to sever all contact with Skunkypoo forever. (Yes, I was telling him this even before he had admitted to the A). He didn't cut contact, so now he is no longer part of my life.

I continue to get one EN met --- financial support. He indirectly gets domestic support, since I continue to take care of the kids, MIL, the house, and garden.

The porch light is still on. Family, house, and home are in tip-top shape. There is quite a prize waiting for him, should he decide to exorcise Skunkypoo from his life.

I don't know if I'm even a Renter anymore. Maybe I'm a Freeloader. I don't care. I feel like I am beginning to own my life again .... can I be please be labeled Owner of My Life? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Quote:---------------------------------------------------
EAV: I am a buyer "pretending" to be a renter by doing plan B only in the hopes it will bring my H home.
---------------------------------------------------------

For this same reason, I wonder if a BS in PLAN B is still a Buyer - so committed to M that they are willing to do what it takes - because, as all PLAN Bers know, you do it with no guarantees!

What helped me most to go to PLAN B (given WS attempts at rationalizing A and sense of entitlement) was the contrast between WS and H (turning into Freeloader). It was sooooooo obvious that going to PLAN B seemed the only way of keeping the WS out of my life, minimizing the harm he was doing to me, while at the same, hopefully, giving a better shot at knocking WH out of fogland. With the choices WS was making, he may have 'looked' like my H, but he definitely was not! By the way, it is this thought that keeps me from 'straying' from my PLAN B.

Mulan, does it help you to know that you are choosing to live with a Freeloader? I would think it helps lower 'expectations' and so help in reducing some of the frustrations in your M, which would continue to prove, once again, that 'knowledgeéinfo.' is power!

I maintianed everything and kept it all going while WH has been moved out twice and he came back three times to all of it and now he wants out again and I'm not going to be there for him with the house etc. I think by maintaining everything we end up enabling them and they never have to hit bottom which is why I thionk we have had the false recoveries.

I have a hard time doing a Plan B because it is hard to see you must become a renter for awhile before you can be a buyer with them again if ever with them.

This is exactly why I think my Plan B's always failed.

Hoping that if the D is meant to be a Plan B that god will let it show WH the light and that it will bring us back together.

So dukhntr I still have some hope but know i can't keep trying to force it to happen--what will be will be.

***I don't know if I'm even a Renter anymore. Maybe I'm a Freeloader. I don't care. I feel like I am beginning to own my life again .... can I be please be labeled Owner of My Life?***

LT, there's nothing wrong with being a Freeloader. Harley says all dating relationships start out that way, when we're just testing the waters and seeing what the other person has to offer. That's the stage you have returned to now with WH -- just seeing what, if anything, he has to offer (beyond financial support - yeah, I get that one too, and while it's very nice it won't sustain a marriage by itself.)

***Mulan, does it help you to know that you are choosing to live with a Freeloader? I would think it helps lower 'expectations' and so help in reducing some of the frustrations in your M, which would continue to prove, once again, that 'knowledgeéinfo.' is power!***

Well - it might. I just read the book a couple of nights ago so yeah, it helps, in a way, in the same way that finding out that awful hacking cough you have is really "lung cancer" and hey, at least now you know your disease has a name and maybe you can get some specific treatment for it!

Seeing it all in print and seeing such EXACT descriptions of myself and of WH did make things clear and help me to understand where this behavior is coming from.

I did highlight some of the things in the book and left it for WH. (For whatever reason, he will look at whatever I leave out. It's just for the attention, I guess, because he ignores it all afterwards.) He was extremely offended at being labeled a "Freeloader" but this time it wasn't me who was labeling him -- it was an expert in marriage counseling. And some of the things I highlighted were things right out of WH's own mouth.

I am a Buyer who has been struggling for years to make a marriage with a Freeloader. Even Harley says the Buyer should end this in order to avoid a life of neglect. That's very different from being told I deserve to be ignored because I am "intruding in WH's personal life."

I cannot understand the cold-blooded cruelty of any man who would say that to his wife. The Buyer/Freeloader thing I can understand. That's why I took my share of equity out of the house and put it in my own savings account yesterday. WH noticed that, too.
Mulan

Good for you Mulan!

My H is definetly a freeloader--I mentioned it to him last night--I don't think that he thinks he is.