Could this possibly be because during the adultery (for example), you were, at least to some extent, dependent on her again? You needed her. And as long as as she was once more your "center," you could be in her good graces, receive sympathy, loving advice, tenderness, etc. When life got better for you, and you didn't need her as much, it sounds like her anger resurfaced. It seems to me, after reading your posts, that this is at least worth considering for you. Is your mom is one of those people who is the center of her own universe? Everything (and everybody) is supposed to revolve around her, and it'd jolly well better stay that way, too, or there's going to be BIG trouble for somebody. It sounded to me like most of her mistreatments of you had to do with you thinking, doing, or just plain being something on your own. How dare you not stay in your pre-ordained orbit around the essential CORE?! If this is the case, really there is nothing you can do to change a person like this. Selfishness, in this instance magnified to the nth degree, is her personal problem...not yours, in spite of her very best efforts to make it seem to you like it is.

You will always be likely to have regret that your mom made it impossible to have with her the kind of relationship you desired. But still you can rejoice that you have been able to break away from repeating this same destructive pattern with your own children, and you can to them be the mother you wish you'd had yourself.

t&l

t&l,

I believe you have hit the nail on the head. She does like to be the center of attention, to be needed. When we have family gatherings, she will take offense at the slightest thing, and blow it up into an ugly incident. Then we are all trying to pacify her and make peace again.

Your insight into her character and motives seems right on. You and everyone else is correct in their analysis, I cannot be the daughter she wants me to be without giving up who I am.

I will be the best Mom I can be as I have a great example of how not to be. Thank you for pointing that out, my role is more than being my mom's daughter.

NOMO

Oh my. For the longest time I thought I was the only one with this problem. My mother is the typical case of the the victim becoming the abuser. She had an abusive mother and became one herself. Yes, she has a sad story, and even at age 76, she will still recall the terrible things her mother did, but not recall what she did to us, her children.

I don't remember ever being told while growing up that she loved any of us, but I do recall being slapped and "spanked" alot, being told we were worthless, and that she would be glad when we grew up and moved out of the house so whe would not be any more of a bother to her. For someone who had 5 children, she is the least matronial person I have ever known. She doesn't seem to lke kids, not even her own grandchildren. I deliberately keep her away from my daughter when I realized she had no interest in her. I would not place my child in her wake to suffer the same abuse I did.

Now she is dieing of cancer at 76. I went to visit for a week this summer. I guess I was still hoping for some last minute change of attitude. From what I saw, she will die the same way she lived. She is one very bitter woman.

The way I handled my mother was just to ignore her for most of my grown up life. I could not handle the verbal abuse. And I have managed to live my life pretty dam well without her imput and managed to raise a very fine daughter without her help. I got counselling when my daughter was young, to her me deal with my issues. I need to break out of the cycle of abuse to raise my daughter well. I think I succeeded here.

I didn't learn well enough to demand respect from the FWS to stop him from having serveral EA's that were disguised as "friendships." However, I can and did forgive my FWS. He was truely sorry and has done his dammest to make things better in our M. My Mom on the other hand, will go out of this world, playing the maryter and blaming all of her problems on others. The SIL who has done the most for her is a b!tch according to mom. If you try to love her, she'll turn on you. She is not capable of returning that love. I think she cannot not love us because she cannot love herself, cannot leave the victim and maryter roles she has learned so well.

So I will go the Thanksgiving at the brothers, and it may be the last time I see my mom alive. What I wich I'd see is a woman who has come to term with her live and who will forgive her children for being and acting like children when we were young. I wish she could let go of the past and savor the remaining portion of her life.

What I will probably see is a woman who will remember every little wrong that had been done to her by her mother, stepfather, children, etc. A woman who can't break out of the abuse/victim role.

My daughter currently lives near my family, far from me. I expected that once she left, we would never hear from her again. Just like I did. When I left, I was determined never to go back to that ****** house.

My daughter, however, calls every week and is very pleasant and loving on the phone. This is the same child who was so ready to get away from her parents? So why does she call where I would not? Because we love her and we tell her and have told her every day of her life. Even when we was angry with her during some teenage age problems, we always loved her. I am proud of my daughter and I am proud that my H and I raised a very fine young woman. we stopped the cycle.

You know what stands out from your conversation. The fact that you had to move your mom to be closer with you, uprooting her from all the familar places and friends.

The reason I notice that is that my mother went through the same thing when her husband passed away, and she made unreasonable demands of my sister, who lived close by, and their relationship became one of my mother making my sister feel responsible for my mother's happiness, entertainment and her need for companionship. My sister felt overwhelmed by my mother's neediness, which came out as unreasonable demeands, and emotional angry outburst aimed at my sister. In reality, the outburst were my mother's ineffective way of trying to make herself happy, by manipulating and trying to guilt my sister into doing what my mother wanted and when that wouldn't work, she would direct angry outbursts at my sister.

My mother complained bitterly about my sister's withdrawal from her, and ended up moving to her old hometown where her sister and mother lived.

They could not fill the emptiness, or her neediness. Nobody could. My mother chose to blame others for her situtation.

The reason I am bringing this up, is that it reminds me of your situation.

Your mother had to move from the place that she loved, and in turn held you responsible for her happiness.

It didn't matter who she had gone to live by. They would have never been able to feel the emptiness and lonliness your mother was feeling.

It totally had to do with your mother, and her not being able to come to grips with the reality of her situation. I have seen other parents hold their grown childrens love for them, and use that love as a weapon against them. Your mom is not able to see her situtation for what it is.

There comes a time in everyones life when the parent/child role is reversed.

The parent becomes sick, old and unable to care for themselves properly.

The child, has to become the responsible person, and take control of their parent's care.

This can make the parent angry over loss of thier own independence.

The feeling of loss of control over their lives, and their increased dependence on you, their child, scares them, which in turn, can create feelings of anger that they direct towards you, their child. The one person it is safe to be angry with.

Lets be honest.

If your mother was angry at a stranger, the stranger has no vested interest in your mother's love or happiness. If the stranger is treated badly, they can take a hike or tell your mother off, no problem.

You, on the other hand, are dealing with fears, mostly coming from your innerchild. One that fears the loss of their mother's love and approval and the fear of abandonment. You clearly have an invested interest in your mother's happiness, love and approval.

I don't know how helpful this is.

It seems like I am just describing the situation, not really offering helpful advice.

You have already gotten some excellent advice from other posters.

Final note*
The last time my mother visited me before her death, I was in conflict with the way she was acting, and I addressed those feelings with my mother, making her trip unpleasant. I regret that to this day.

If I had only known this would be the last holiday we would spend together.

What is the saying, "If I only knew then, what I know now."

Gather strength, state your boundries with your mother firmly, but lovingly. When the conversation drifts to the ugly, remove yourself from the situation. Not with anger, but with loving firmness. State the reason you are removing yourself, and that you will get back with her, once she is able to control herself.

You are doing what I was doing. I ran.

I ran because I could not confront my mother.

You do not have to confront.

You just have to state your boundries.

Do it in a non threatening manner.

Leave when she breaks your boundries.

Sincerely,
K.D.'s Heartbreak