(For the beginning of this story, see "I cheated. Struggling with whether to tell" by smartcookie)

Day 3.

The rollercoaster ride has begun and I'm not sure my seatbelt is fastened. I can't seem to think straight.

Yesterday morning (less than 48 hours after D-day) my BH was very upbeat and optimistic. It made me nervous -- with good reason as it turns out.

He came home from work a little later than ususal, very quiet as though trying to control a rage that had been building throughtout the day. He went straight upstairs. I gave him some time to be alone (I dunno, 15 minutes maybe)... Then approached him as gently as I could, asking him how he was doing. He said calmly, not looking at me, "You know, the one thing we always had between us was trust. And it's been sinking in all day, how little you cared about me while you were out screwing some other guy. And I don't know if I can ever trust you again. And I don't even know what I want to do anymore." His tone told me to keep quiet, so I did. My instincts were right. He wanted me to leave him alone at that moment. He left the room and I didn't see him the rest of the night (I usually go to bed soon after he comes home, anyway. I work 3-11 a.m. He works 9-5ish. We work at the same place.)

Then, he called me on my cell phone while I was driving to work this morning and explained that he had spent the whole day yesterday getting images of me with the OM. And it cut him to the core. (I can't even imagine how painful that must have been). He told me what he really needed from me right then was the reasurance that I was in this for him/us, not just because the OM rejected me. (This seems to be a major sticking point for him). Anyway, I did my best to reasure him, and I think we might be back on track.

Here's what's freaking me out. I'm not one of those FWW who thinks: "I messed up but I know I love my husband and I'll do anything to make my marriage work." You may remember that I had been having some trouble feeling much of anything for him, and I'm still not there yet. So I'm terrified about how I'll handle it if and when he (a) wants to know exactly how I feel about him, and/or (b) wants to get physically intimate. Night before last, he gave me a deep, hard kiss and while my heart wanted to reasure him and end his suffering, my body desperately wanted to pull away. It took all I had to hang in there, and that was just a kiss!

Thanks again for all the words of wisdom so far. Please keep them coming.

-SC

SC,

Can you list what you like about your H? What characteristics are attractive to you that he has?

Hmmm. I like the way you think, Faithful!!! Should I list them here, or on my own?

List them here if you feel comfortable. This is a place to start to get those loving feelings back.

"I'm not one of those FWW who thinks: "I messed up but I know I love my husband and I'll do anything to make my marriage work."

smartcookie - Sheesh, you mean there are some FWW's like that??????? Not too many around here. Usually they struggle horribly with regaining their love and intimacy with their husbands.

Stick with us, and keep reading and posting here. I think you're going to be able to do this.

SC - see if you can call out Mrs. Wondering from hiding (Mrs. Dubya as we call her) she was alot like you - and she is so in love with her husband now! I will post to her to see if she will come outta hiding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I haven't seen her for a bit unless she has a new name??? lol

Susan said that while she was still fog-bound ... her husband's chewing used to drive her stark raving mad

Sweetie ... you are going to be fine

Your love feelings shall return

unless your H is a real turd ~~~ which is doubtful ~~~ he seems like a keeper to us !

I've said this a million times on MB and I'm gonna say it again.

My counselor used to say "those *feelings* are the first to go and the last to come back."

I remember sitting in her office thinking "Lordy, I hope so. I hope she is right".

She was. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It will be ok. It will work itself out.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

SUSAN

I am wearing my crystals today and getting compliments left and right

[b]THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES

I ADORE YOU SUSAN

Okay, this could be fun. Here goes:

His dry sense of humor can really crack me up.

He gives good back rubs.

Somtimes, when he laughs really hard, tears come rolling down his face.

He's not phony -- what you see is what you get.

He has become an attentive and patient father.

He makes yummy parmesan haddock.

He is respectful.

He's willing to work for what he wants.

It's hard to do this without letting the negatives creep into your mind... I think I need a break... no sleep last night... I'm gonna rest awhile and keep trying to do this mentally... Thanks for the great suggestion and thanks again for all your support everyone. Whatever motivates you to keep helping those of us who've recently screwed up and really need guidance, it's wonderful. I might have given up already if it weren't for all of you.

More later...
--SC

It sounds to me like he is a good guy with some real positives. Being a "good father" is a lot of work. There are also a lot of "lazy" mean out there. He has got some real positives. How many children are involved?

Sometimes we let the negatives we see in our spouse become like a splinter in our finger. Generally, you may feel great, but after a while all you can think about is the d*mn splinter!

If I could make a suggestion, why don't you tell us what you think are his negatives? Vent a little--not from the idea that "this justifies the A", but rather "we all have faults, and these are some of his."

The short answer is that sooner or later you have to address what you believe his shortcomings are and come to terms with them.

Sounds good to me - is he available? Sorry, too much wine at dinner talking...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

>sorry for the threadjack<

[color:"green"] [b]PEP

I'm so glad! Enjoy them ~ my pleasure.

Thank YOU

The feeling is mutual. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> [color:"green"] [/color]

Smartcookie,

Don't you find it interesting that you cannot think about his positives without the negatives coming to your mind? I do. It suggests that you are protecting your decisions and the only way to do that is to focus on his bad traits. You have been using this tool for a long time haven't you? Even before your affair. I am guessing but I would bet you used this tactic when you moved away for your career.

I find it interesting that you are worried about hurting a man you claim you don't love, respect so little that you cannot list his "good" traits without focusing on his bad traits and had an affair on him to boot. I am thinking there is some really deep denial going on here.

Have you noticed what has hurt your H the most? It was not the affair. It was your lack of care for him during your being apart from him. It was/is your dishonesty. It is his sense of failure. And YET he didn't fail did he? You did.

I guess I should offer you the standard lecture on the word love. Love is a verb, that is why you can promise before God, your family, your friends, that you will LOVE someone through sickness and health, through.... Love is an action and YOU control whether you will act with love toward your mate. Therefore, you can make such a promise.

What you DON'T promise is that you will "feel in love" with your mate in sickness and health, good times and bad. No one can promise that because during the course of a marriage the feelings go and come. They are the result of closeness and effort. Something you have not allowed in your marriage to date.

That is why Susan and Pep are telling you the feelings will come, but they are the last to come, because they take effort on your part and your H's part. IF you decide to love your H as you promised to do, you will be surprised how your perspective will change and when your perspective changes so will your feelings.

You don't realize this now, but you will in a the months to come, YOU control how much you feel in love with your H. You control how deep your relationship is. Yes he has input, but unless you do your part, you won't ever feel what you seem to seek.

YOUR decision right now is not whether you "feel in love" or not. You decision is decide whether you are going to keep your vows and LOVE your H as you promised to do. I mean as in the action VERB, not the feeling. If you decide to do this, THEN you will find your marriage can heal, and can be transformed.

It is clear your H is deeply hurt. It is clear he has love for you. It is clear he is willing to try although he doubts himself deeply. It is clear your neglect and lack of feelings have not detered him. So the call is yours, what is it going to be? A rebuilt and better marriage or the end of it. It is your call...make it.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry, SC I told you this would happen, but it gets a little better everyday.


Please try to get him come on this board and talk to guys like Mortmarman, etc. that have been through this and are a ways down the road. Your H is having the exact reaction that would be expected. A few days after D-Day, I was physcially sick as I thought about the reality that I had just found out. Several times a day, something would trigger and it literally hurt (physically) like someone was tearing my guts out. The images are the worst. Closely behind the images are the imagination of the BS trying to fill in all the missing pieces of the puzzle. Even if he has the whole complete truth about everything, things will fall into place only after he has mulled it around in his head many times, each time it is excruiating.

I know you are both in MC. Is he seeing an IC as well? I would seriously suggest to him that he consider seeing a pyschiatrist for at least a few visits and discuss the possiblity of starting on anti-depressants. Not sure how he feels about these but the AD's are much better than they used to be and they will really take the edge off of things until you can get a little ways down the road.



I still really think that you are dealing with some fog and rewriting marital history issues. Your choice to have an A regardless of the state of the M was selfish and cruel to your H. Right now, you at least owe him the opportunity to work through this and try to allow yourself to love him. I believe that people who have A's often have a personality that allows them to keep walls built in their lives. That's how they can continue in the A. Consider the possibility that you are like this and in fact did not ever allow yourself to love your husband. Or maybe you did really love your husband but don't really know what true love is and therefore didn't recognize it. You know one thing now, there is no true love in an A...ever.
Thanks again for all the words of wisdom so far. Please keep them coming.

As far as the reassurance, that is kind of what we talked about in the prior posts. For a BS, especially a BH, the truth about an A is a kick in the crotch. I started questioning everything about the M before, during and after the A. I still really don't know what to believe about Pre-A times in our marriage. You often read about the WS rewriting marital history. I believe that often the BS is just as guilty of the revisionism. I know that I am sometimes.

On the other hand, as MM said in the first post. Without the truth, it is impossible for a marriage to enjoy true intimacy. Your M can survive an A. It cannot survive long term fraud and deception. Continue to be there for him, encourage him to see an IC, and remind him that most of the BS's on this site know all to well how that he is feeling right now and we can help him deal with those issues.

As for the images, please tell him that for me at first, I had the images several times a day (sometimes several times an hour). They were tough to deal with and took me off course of my objectives which were to remain focused and committed to my M and to remain productive in my career despite the personal issues that I was dealing with. Over time, especially after I started on the AD's, the images faded to a time or two a day, then a few times a week, and finally now I rarely think about the dumbbastard.

I can't do anything about the past and what happened. I know that the recovery so far has taken much of our energy and time. I can't guarantee what the ultimate outcome of our marriage will be or what your's will be, but I know that if we continue to build and grow, we will both have a long happy life together from this point forward. If something unforeseen happens and our M doesn't make it, I know we will have given it everything trying to make it work.

You and your H have started the long road to recovery. It will take time and won't be easy but if you both put everything you have into rebuilding the M, you may find that you had more to the M than either of you thought. The first three weeks were the toughest for me. Often I didn't think I could even do it. After we seriously started discussing the issues, everyday became a little easier. Like I said in previous post, both of you just need to take one day at a time for a while. Soon enough you can focus on weeks and months.

Good luck.

Jimmy Mac -- Two wonderful little girls coming up on their 3rd and 6th birthdays. Thanks for asking. Yes -- the dad thing is HUGE for me. Like a brinks truck full of $100 bills pulling up to my LB every day! It hasn't always been like that. He didn't really want kids at first, and was frankly pretty horrible with the girls right up until the time I told him I'd just about had it with the marriage. (I told him I thought we had major problems a little more than a month ago, and then dropped the D-day bomb on him five days ago.) But that's in the past. He has made an amazing and rapid transformation. In fact, I'm in awe of him when it comes to this. In such a short period of time, he's gone from being impatient to patient, dismissive to attentive, and short-tempered to kind and loving. In fact, I think I'm even more impressed with him that he was able to make such a major change when faced with a crisis, than I would be if he and been a great dad all along.

Thanks for helping me to elaborate on -- and focus on -- one of his big 'pluses'. Did you do that on purpose? Set me up? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

-SC

NT,
Are you a mind reader???? Yes, the fog is still there. It's becoming thiner with each passing day, but it's still there, and I still run into some thick patches from time to time.

But in response to you and Just Learning -- with regard to my emotional walls, rewriting marital history, and taking responsiblity for my affair -- allow me to vent for a moment:

Do you guys think I'm the only one who failed to do the "love as a verb" thing?? Neglected to care?? Broke my vows?? Because I'm not.

If I remember correctly, the wedding vows didn't go: "Do you promise never to screw anyone else? Yes. Yes. Okay, you're married." There were also promises to "love, honor, cherish" -- old fasioned terms perhaps for meeting each other's EN's? Years before I had my affair with another man, my husband had an on-going affair with inanimate objects. Instead of talking to me, he watched sports on TV. Instead of playing with the children, he gambled on the internet. Instead of noticing that I'd lost 15 pounds, he drank a few beers. And instead of having sex with me, he got-off watching porn. I know it's the sob story of wives everywhere "Wah-wah-wah, poor me, all he does is watch sports and drink." But to top it all off, he constantly put other people down and never missed an opportunity to complain about the burdens in his life (namely me, the house, the girls). This is not rewriting history. If he were here right now, he would be the first to admit it. He was a giant ball of seething, negative energy. And yes, to protect myself, I built up a thick, hard, enormous wall. I wish I had recognized how bad things were -- and dealt with them -- rather than running to someone else. I MADE THE WRONG CHOICE -- A CRUEL, DECEITFUL, HORRIBLE CHOICE. I GET THAT. I'm not saying all this to justify the affair. But is it really all that surprising that it's taking me some time to rip the wall down?????

As I look back over some of the stuff I've posted, I imagine I come across as somewhat cold. I'm not. In fact, I tend to be overly sensitive (one of my middle school teachers once took me aside and told me that if I didn't quit taking the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'd be a certifiable basket case by the time I grew up. Hmmm.) As a result, I've devised some defense mechanisms. You know the song that goes: "Once bitten, twice shy"? Well if it had been written for me, it might go: "Once bitten, don't ever go anywhere near another dog. EVER!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay... deep breath... rant over.


I don't really know what to think about the earlier years anymore. But I am beginning to understand that it doesn't really matter. Now matters. The future matters. My husband has been so loving and compationate... so patient and empathetic... so willing and able to make changes... that I can't help but see him in a different, brighter light. But the "L" word and the physical intimacy may take me awhile. I'm lucky. He assures me he's willing to wait. And I have assured him that I am committed to the process. ONE DAY AT A TIME (thanks for the reminder on that NT).

Oh yeah... as for him registering on this forum, I don't think he will. But he has read some of the articles here, as well as all of my posts and your responses, so he's getting some good advice and support from you all anyway.

THANK YOU!!!!

-SC

Say hello to your husband for us. You are exactly right about what made the conditions ripe for an affair. I'm glad that you get that it was the wrong choice.

Your husband is completely devastated right now. No one who has not gone through it can understand how horrible the pain is.

Keep reading and posting here, and we will help you through this.

By the way, have you considered writing a no contact letter to the OM? Is he completely out of your life, ie: you never see him, or cross paths?

SC,

Your rant was good...and probably much needed, right? And all that you said I am sure is true. As the Harley's state, and as we have told you, the condition of your marriage leadign up to the affair was 50% your fault and 50% your husband's fault. You both created the conditions for it to get to that point. Now, as you know, the affair is 100% your fault and really had nothing to do with your husband.

That is why we have tried to get you to see the affair, the fog, the history revisionism that comes with the fog...as something that has to do with you. Something you need to deal with, need to get behind you. In order to do that, you must look to yourself and what it is inside you that allowed you to do such a thing. Since these things are 100% yours...then it is 100% your responsibility to figure it out, change...and to clean up the mess from them (affair, fog, history revisionism).

The other things you mentioned belong to both of you. And so, each of you has changes to make (sounds like your husband has already started!)...and then you must work together for the overall changes. You are right...your husband should have never treated you the way he did. And he has some work to do in order to be the man he should. But, just as he has to look into himself and find out what it was that he did that created the conditions for you to want to leave...you must look inside yourself and see what it was that may have contributed to your husband's emotional pullback. Were you taking over, instead of him leading? were you a helpmate...or were you critical of him? Did you seek his position as head of the family, or did you try to help him in those responsibilities? Did you respect him? I dont know the exact circumstances. Only you and your husband do.

So, it seems that before you two can get to the marriage and looking at what to do with changing yourselves...you must first deal with the affair. You must go into what I talked abotu above. Your husband cannot help you with that, as this entirely falls on you. But, since you have hurt him and betrayed him with this, you also need to help him get past this. He will need you more than you know. Then, once you have dealt with the affair and the fog is gone and your marital history has been put back into perspective (the good, bad and the ugly)...and your husband has had time to process and deal with this...you will then be able to slowly work thru the problems of the past and together find a future.

Thru all of this, all you two need to do is to be honest, protect each other (no love busters), meet each other's most important ENs...and commit to a future together. If you do these things, then working thru all of these issues will be a lot simpler (notice I did nto say easy).

So, your rant is very good and honest. It will need to be out there for you and your husband to deal with and overcome. But do not confuse your marriage with the adultery. They are two separate issues. Right now, the affair is center stage. But take it from someone who has been there and is now in recovery...if you do what you are supposed to, then this will pass.

And then, the recovery road will look bright.

In His arms.

SC,

One more thing. We are NOT beating up on you. You are just the one that is here seeking help. Thus, we are talking to YOU! If your husband was here, he would receive help also. That means he would get a pat o nthe back sometimes...but he would also get a kick in the seat of the pants.

I remember in the middle of my wife's affair, I was on here ranting about my wife. And Aslyne came on and asked me "Well, what did you do Mortarman that caused your wife to do such a thing." I was incredulous! I thought these people were here to help me, and since my wife was clearly i nthe wrong, they should be on my side and should be jumping on the "beat up Mrs. Mortarman bandwagon."

But they didnt! Oh sure, they didnt hold any punches on what they saw with her. But since she has never posted here, they concentrated on me. And guess what? I needed that kick in the pants sometimes. I needed the truth. I needed people to keep me focused on the truth.

So, dont get defensive here. Just because you are the WS does not mean we are not here to help. As Dorry and other FWWs found out, we are very upfront. But they also found out that we dont define someone by the adultery. For a FWS, that is in the past. What we want to see is the same thing God wants to see...reconciliation in families.

And to that end, we will give you hugs...and a kick in the pants when needed. And if your husband ever comes here, he will get the same.

In His arms.