as time progresses and as i continue to try to grow and heal, i hit bumps in the road.

i had a rough time this week. i think the trigger was reading some stories here, watching it unfold. and it is that wonderful time of the month, that never helps.

the bump specifically this week was really coming to terms with the fact that i lived so many YEARS comfortably being able to keep a huge lie. Specifically the time between the A with the co-worker from 1991 and when i confessed that in 2004.

This is not saying i also need to come to terms with the fact that I choose to marry him with a huge lie between us and the ugliness of that too. and i'm sure there will be a time when that one sinks in deeper too.

but for whatever reason, it is the lie about that co-worker that is weighing so heavily on me right now.

shortly after that A, we became pregnant with the daughter that we subsequently lost. before she was buried, i wrote her a note and included it in her coffin. in it I vowed to her I would hang on to the closeness that developed between H and I as we grieved her loss. I buired the past with her.

I had NO BUSINESS doing that. not only did i not see how impossible it was, but i didn't see how unfair it was.

the most ugly part of that is.... i lived for over 10 years that way.

i buried it so much i didn't even have any nudging or little voices urging me to confess.

which means i had absolutely NO DECENT MORAL SELF-CONCIOUS.

that is a very ugly fact to have to look at.

and i don't know what to do with it either.

i know i cannot change the past.

i know it does no good to focus on the past.

but sometimes i grieve, and it hurts.

and when that happens my H has a really hard time. He does not know what to say to me and even worse, he says it makes him have to re-live it all and stirs up negative feelings as a result.

and that is not pleasant for him.

and he really rather that did not happen.

to me it falls into the mindset of you deal with your issues, i'll deal with mine. seperately.

it's not working very well for me.

mostly because it scares me.

because it leads me to think we will not truely ever recover for real.

we will just survive.

and i feel very un-empowered.

and i just don't know what to do about it.

right now, i know i need to work HARD on forgiving myself specifically for what i wrote about up there. if i can accept God's forgiveness, perhaps i will get to feeling better.

i did also tell H that i wanted to appologize for that specifically. but i think he prefers that i figure out the root problem of my mood and deal with it on my own. it puts too much pressure on him for me to talk about it and i think even wanting to apologize puts more pressure on him.

which means, i get to the core of what is upsetting me and i find a way to get past it, on my own... and quickly.

i am proud to say i did manage to get to the core issue in this case, something i would not have been capable to do in the past. in the past i would only know i am hurting and i would of blamed anything and everything. and i would of just hid behind a wall and isolated. felt the pain but not gotten to the root. and then unfairly blame anything possible. which mostly likely would of pulled my H into it somehow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

but this time i made it very clear it was not him, nor the marriage. it was about me. and then when i figured out specifically what, i tried to share that with him too.

i would almost think that it would be a good thing for him too. to see that i am truely looking at myself, owning my moods, working on always getting to the proper cause and not just being in a bad mood. not to mention that it should be seen as a positive that i may actually be finally truely maturing.

but i think for him, it's a mute point. me maturing now does him no good.

i no longer know where this post is going. it seems like i had a point to it at first.

any thoughts/suggestions are welcomed.

This is the point to your post. Except, you need to quit working on it. You have to give it up to God and allow it to happen. That's harder than it sounds. It's our natural tendacy to work and fight to get something. It's much harder to give up that control, even when it's for our benefit. Your marriage can recover, but you have to forgive yourself first.

Good job with thinking it through and not hiding your head in the sand! I agree with FBW to give it over to God. Allow His forgiveness to flow over you.

i agree that my job is to forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness.

i don't however agree that forgiving myself and accepting God's forgiveness will result in my marriage recovering.

we are being cordial to each other but we are not growing closer.

i keep going back to wanting to make this marriage more than H is able to have it be.

at the end of most days, am i reasonably happy? that is what i am asking myself, in order to have better perspective. my kids have an intact family, my H has an honest wife, we have a beautiful house, i have a good job, we are all in good health. i have many blessing in my life.

but, yes there had to be a but. it would not be fair of me to ignore the fact that i want to be closer to my H. and there is nothing wrong with that desire. i'm not going to try to stifly that desire, that would mean i do not respect myself or my own needs.

i'm still not sure where that leaves me. i will keep praying and try harder to give it over to God. all i can do is control myself.