Hello...I would like some feedback on this situation thats really tearing me and my hubby up....The kids are not his...they are his STEP kids. ok, firstly, My daughter who is almost 10 has this friend who is her brothers age..13. They are on a friendship only basis, I supervise their calls and my daughters self esteem has shot up.I have talked to my daughter on several occasions about boys. She knows if it goes further than on a friendship basis, I will terminate their friendship immediately. My daughter has reported a guy who is 15 that was trying to get her to do things she didnt want too. I do trust my daughter. The problem is, my hubby doesnt want her ASSOCIATING with ANY guys over the age of 11. He really put her down and made her cry. He says he feels VERY STRONGLY about this, now he feels he doesnt have any authority and that his opinion doesn't count. He is wronng there. He wont compromise with me because he says there is no point in her being friends wih him, he says it doesnt make sense and that if he feels strongly about something I should listen to him and let it go his way....What do yall think? I could really use some advice...thank you!

Joanie

First let me state, that if your hubby dogged her out to the point of tears that was totally wrong. Step parenting is difficult especially if you don't have clearly defined boundaries.

Now onto the matter at hand. I see this as a red flag situation in two area:

1. I have a 10yo and 13yo daughter, in hanging out with them, I also hang out with the boys their age. There is a HUGE difference between the thinking/acting of a 13yo boy and a 10yo boy. If there is more contact than running into each other at church or something like that I would see that as a problem.

2. You mentioned that your daughters self-esteem has risen as a result of this. I can't help but think that her getting her self esteem from older boys is unhealthy and is setting an unhealthy pattern of getting her worth from boys rather than herself. If she has issues that stem from life or your divorce I would recommend getting her into counselling so that she can learn to draw her self esteem from her self.

I agree with LH on question 2.

Step parenting is complex if you and your H haven't negotiated the terms well in advance. And both of you need to be in agreement on what to do, because consistency is a main virtue when it comes to good parenting.

So your H needed to talk to you first and the two of you have a plan and agreement before he said anything to her.

Being the father of 2 girls myself, it will be a cold day in H E double hockey sticks before they're hanging out with any older boys except in the most stringently supervised with me or my wife present circumstance.

I hate to say this, but, kids are going to do what they want with or without their parents' approval.

As a parent, all you can do is teach them, make them aware of some of the evils of this life, and after that, just hope they make the right decisions.

The more, the stepfather demands no contact with this guy, the more she will be drawn to him.

Does the stepfather know nothing about basic psychology?

Perhaps in your home. Not in mine.

Hello everyone, thank you for your input.....

I talked with my parents and the children's counselor...the counselor has said the kids need friends, whether male or female within boundaries...like with the boy, they are supervised at all times...even their calls are monitored...her self esteem was low because of her teeth...(getting braces tho)..She is being monitored in every aspect. My children need to learn to socialize. Where we live, there is barely anyone around. By the time they are 16 they arent gonna know what socializing is! They need friends, they need people around them...they need to grow... I am confident in my decision and my daughter is happier because of it!!!!

Joanie

I believe in socialization. But, a ten year old girl having one friend who is a 13 yr old boy isn't socialization. Surely there is some for of social situation your daughter can be in that would provide the socialization you want without the attention from a hormone filled boy. What about girls her age? or a little older, or boys her own age?

Is there something more to this? Do you in some way believe that women get their self esteem from the attention they get from men? If so, your daughter most needs positive attention from a FATHER figure before she needs it from adolescent boys. Then she'll know what is appropriate and what is not.

You and your husband should discuss all parenting decisions and come to some sort of united decision in privacy and present a united front to the kids always. If you don't allow him an opinion you have emasculated him as a father. If he undermines you, he has removed your authority as well. Decide in private some sort of compromise and stick to it. The decision may not be the mistake, the lack of united parenting may be the big mistake here.