Thanks Believer,

It is sad but WH has NOT attended any activites or programs that they have had even though he has been invited.

Something else that strikes me as strange is that WH siad that this will be moving pretty fast but our Case Management Conference isn't until the 28 of April

I was reading this summons and see that I have to take the kids to counseling.

Thanks Lady,

I could really use those hugs right about now. I was so close to filing before that I just couldn't go through with it now here it is and I am just falling apart. Like I said it is bittersweet. I am mostly aching for the children.

I think it really upset him that he was served with CS papers, now his is his way of trying to get back at me.

Oh no.... does that mean that April 28 is the next court date?

Anyway, your WH really doesn't have a leg to stand on in this. Be confident of that. And how he behaves between now and then will be a big thing also.

I think counseling will be helpful for all of you, if you can find a good Christian counselor, it would be best.

Lady

Yes April 28 is the court date but I going to have my attorney schedule an emergency hearing for CS and Spousal Support.

Lord help me b/c I am falling apart right now. I did not expect to have this kind of reaction.

(((lashell)))

I do know what you are going through, the reality is a tough. BUT, the decisions we make in this period are going to affect our children's well being for years and years.

Somewhere online, I rememeber seeing a divorce checklist of all the stuff we need to remember to address in the papers so they don't have to have to be argued about later.

Is medical stuff on your list? Insurance, braces, copayments?

College funds and life insurance on WH?

Activities and extracurricular costs?

((Lashell))

Praying for you Lashelle, I know this is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to endure.

I'm tearing with you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Thanks Jean36,

I will go online and see if I can find the D checklist. Thanks for reminding me about the medical stuff, insurance, college and activities I totally forgot about that stuff.

Thanks Lady,

I know that the kids & I will be okay once I get over the shock. I guess this is the beginning of my "darkest hour", like it saids in my signature line. I will not give up on God again no matter what. He knows what is best for me. Just last night, I was praying for God to give me a clear sign of whether or not to give up on my M, well I take this as a sign that my M is over.

This was Not the sign I was looking for, I was looking for a sign telling me not to give up hope, that my family will not be ripped apart.

BUMP

I will make one comment about your list.
I would ask for full legal custody.
I am not sure where you live, and things may be different in your state (I live in Oregon) but when I first filed, my attorney said that I could go for full legal, or 50%. She said that the "custody" issue was seperate from the parenting plan, which would outline his visitations. I have full legal custody, and the way I understand it, that just gives me ths ability to make legal decisions for my boys without WxH's approval. Things like, what school they go to, what church they attend, decisions about medical issues, etc. When I filed, WxH was nuts, so I did not want to enter into any legal agreement with him that would require getting his approval. That doesn't mean that he can't see the kids whenever he wants, he can call them whenever he wants, but in terms of "legal custody" I have it.
This is a good question to ask your attorney. by the way, start a list of questions so you don't forget to ask.

As for the visitation schedule - there is a pretty standard format that your attorney will have all ready in the computer, he/she will just insert your name. they get very detailed with stuff like holidays (including the smaller ones like 4th of July) Mothers Day Fathers day, your birthday, his birthday, etc. You don't need to put too much effort into that, the attorney will take care of it.
By the way - I did make 1 special request in my plan that you may want to conisider. I said that every Christmas morning, my boys will be with me. My plan says that dad can have them from the time they get out of school on the last day of school before Chritmas break, until 6PM on Christmas Eve. I get them from 6pm Christmas Eve for the rest of Christmas break. that way they always wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning. I have been glad I did that.
Also, be aware that if your WH continues the disaterous journey he is on, he won't likely take the kids for even as much time as he is allowed in the plan. My Wx does not take them every other weekend - maybe once a month. and he generally picks them up the morning of Christmas Eve and brings them home around 6. He has never taken them for a week or two during summer. I suspect your WH will be similar. So be very careful about what is written up right now. I am currently struggling with WxH - when my attorney drew up the parenting plan, my WxH asked for 5 weeks in the summer instead of the standard 2. WXH told me he would not likely take them for 5 weeks, but wanted the option, in writing, just in case. Here again, he has not taken them for even 1 week (which, of course is fine by me because I would miss them!) problem is, because the paperwork shows 5 weeks, that means that he "technically" has them for 35 more overnights, which affects his child support. his support amount is based on how many overnight stays he has. He has maybe kept them for 20 nights this past year - but the papers say he has more, and that is how his support is calculated. Just be careful that you don;t get something in writing now that affects you in the future.

Have you found an attorney?

the passage I am referring to is Matthew 18; 15-17. it actually outlines the biblical way to deal with discipline in the church. It says that when a believer sins against you, first you go to him directly. If he doesn't repent and turn from his sin, then you take another person along to confront him. If he doesn't repent and turn from his sin, you take it to the whole church,if he doesn't repent and turn away from his sin, finally, you remove him from the church all together.
The first step - going to him one on one - could be done by anyone who is close to him. That is most likely what your pastor intended by trying to call him and get together with him.
I didn't understand this passage, until I was in this situation myself. My WxH and I attended the same church for years. Married there, kids baptized. I sang in the choir. He attended that church from infancy. At the time my ex left, we had just hired a new pastor. WxH had never met him - still hasn't. He called a meeting together of the whole family, plus a few close friends.(WxH was not invited) We discussed this passage. And the pastor said:
"This is about exerting peer pressure. going to him, and making it clear that this is not acceptable behavior. Anyone can go to him. In fact, several of you may. But it is best for those of you who are close to him, his own peers, to go to him. If I (pastor) try to confront him it is just some church guy. "
So WxH's cousin took him fishing, and confronted him. He did not turn. A brother, and a brother in law confronted. No turning from sin. We didn't even have to take it to the church - they all knew. He was parading OW around town and introducing her as his GF. and the whole church was all ready praying for us. At this point he has lost his membership at that church. he doesn't seem to care - he rarely goes to any church any longer. But I am certain, at the time, that this whole process had an impact on him. That was his church for 40 years. the people who talked to him were long time friends, and family. he didn't realize they were following Matthew 18. he only knew they were reaching out.
Sadly, it did not bring him back. But at least we all know we did what the Bible tells us to do. There is some comfort in that.
By the way - I do think that WxH could eventually repent, admit that he has sinned, and gain his memebership back in the church. But right now he won't admit that he has done anything wrong! He still says that Ow#1 was his soul mate, he wasn't happy, we got married too young (age 24).
we were married 18 years. I know he was happy most the time. and I know OW#1 was not his soul mate.

I have only addressed some of the legal issues for you, and a little bit of the biblical (I am no Bible expert!). I have not addressed the emotional. But I have walked the path you are now on. I have been there, and I know hard it is. I also know that God is with you. he has walked the path ahead of you. Andhe will carry you through - whatever the outcome.
I pray that you will find those still, quiet moments of peace.

My post is long! But I hope that you will take comfort in having as much info as possilbe, for the coming weeks.

consider yourself hugged.

(((lashelle))
Sorry I've been absent. You are not forgotten.

Please file for FULL legal custody. Just like womanoffaith said. This grants you much more leeway in your own life and protects your kids from your H's dumb*ss game playing.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell your pastor to stop filling your daughter's head with what he's been saying. Its ok to be supportive, but he is giving her emotionally dangerous promises. If her daddy does not come home like your pastor is telling her God will make happen, you may have a little girl who becomes extremely confused and angry with God. Tell him that he can tell your daughter that God looks out for our best interests, and sometimes we don't always understand it. That God will always be there when she needs someone to listen. That is much more helpful than the support he is giving to her now.

I am just freakin' thrilled that you were given so many blessings when you needed them.

Hi Lashelle,

How did your job training go yesterday?

Thanks WOF5,

I will ask for sole legal custody also. I think you're right, the only reason that STBXWH is asking for joint custody is to get out of paying all that CS. This really makes me angry b/c he is trying to look like the good guy and make me out to be the bad guy.

I can't believe he said that I refused to let him see the kids when he hardly ever asks for them, NEVER has once called them and NEVER has come to anything that they are involved in. I have never said that he could not see the kids. In fact I have begged him to spend time with them(which I have about 3 emails to prove it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> And that's not counting the phone calls (which I don't have proof of those).

Good plan about the Christmas visitation too!

Yes I think I have found a great attorney who is very confident that he can get me everything I asked for so far: sole custody, more CS than the state is proposing, spousal support and an emergency hearing. (this is all I asked of him so far when he answers the petition).

I look forward to your posts and thanks alot for your advice and encouragment. It means alot to me.

And thanks for the prayers, I am starting to feel at peace about this. I was just worried, scared and lonely. But I know this is going to all work out for my good, and the kids as well.

La Shell

Hey Mo,

Missed ya. Yes I am going to take her advice.

Yes I do need to talk to my pastor about DD9 b/c this is really going to devastate her.

Did you get my email?

Yes, I can't believe the blessings that are starting to come my way.

LaShell

Hey Lady,

Training was great, looking forward to tommorrow. It was good to focus on something else besides this mess even though at times I felt like I was somewhere else or zoned out.

LaShell

MIL just called and wanted me to come over tommorrow to see if the kids can fit a couple of coats that she got. Funny I just asked STBXWH today to get the kids coats for the winter as it is getting cold here. I guess he ran to mommy to give him the money. He just got paid today from his business but I guess he wants to spend it on OW, not his kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I told her that I would get over there when I could b/c the van is broke down , and has been for 3 weeks, and that I was borrowing a friend's car. (kinda of suttle way of letting her know that STBXWH is still not providing for us, and that he could care less if we have transportation).

He did not pay the trash either, I found out when the trash company did not pick up our trash this morning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He said that he did not have the money to pay it but will take care of it when he could. Now I have tons of trash to get rid of from Thanksgiving.

Also I told STBXWH to tell his mother to keep her mouth shut about what is going on at my house b/c I do not want it to get back to the kids and upset them. I told him that she needed to be respectful to me, like I am to her b/c I am her grandkids' mother. I guess he told her b/c she was acting really nice and telling me about her day and making lots of smalltalk.

BUMP ^

Hi Lashelle,

Well I hope that Grandma's niceness was sincere because you could really use her support right now, especially with the children. So maybe it was a good turn around. And thankfully the children have coats, that was nice. I know you would much rather have WH pay, but he will in time.

And...I'm sorry to hear about the trash bill...what next right?
Are the other bills paid that you know of?
I worry about you, but I know God is providing for you, I'm sure of that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lady

Try to maintain a decent relationship with MIL, as best you can. I don't know enough about her, or what she was like before all of this, but if she was usally a kind person, and generally supportive of you and the kids, I would try to maintain a good relationship right now. And that will mean that you will have to make the effort. It shouldn't be that way. She should bend over backwards to help you out, and the kids. But try to look at her in a differnet light for a moment.
Her son is behaving like a jerk. He has abandoned his wife and children. He is having an A (she knows, even if she pretends not to). he has left his wife with no working car, and can not attend the family church becuase of his horrible behavior. I used to think about my own former MIL this way. As the Mom of 2 boys, it was easy to imagine how devastated I would be in her shoes.
Of course, I would not tolerate that type of behavior from my boys. I would tell them right up front "get home and take care of your family" But my former MIL, and yours, come from a generation that trys to sweep everything under the rug. Their moto is: Don't talk about stuff, don't make waves. Put on a happy face and try to appear as if everything is ok.

My Ex MIL used to tell me that she was going to stay "neutral". that was crap. What her son was doing was dead wrong, and she knew it. There are times when you simply can not be neutral. But she didn't know what else to do. That was her son. I think she hoped that someday the prodigal son would return, but he would only do it if she stayed neutral the whole time. In reality, he continues to do whatever he wants, with no respect for her. when #1S was playing football this fall, ex MIL would come to the games and sit alone, while her son sat elsewhere in the stands. he never even bothered to get up and sit with her. My new husband and I sat with her a couple of times.

But it is good for you to keep the communication open with her, even though you will have to call her. She is too embarrassed to call you. In some ways, she may even feel guilty, like she somehow didn't raise him right, and now he has done this. You know how we are as Moms, protective of our babies.

If you maintain a good relatinship with her, it will be a benefit to your kids. And, it will make you look good.If you call her once in a while just to say Hi and see how she is, it will be real hard for your WH to ever prove that you are a bad person.

the first Christmas that I spent after my D, was just me and my 2 boys. My Mom had passed away, my dad was down in Arizona. So I invited MIL to come to the house and watch the boys open their gifts. She came, and we had a nice time. on Christmas Eve I suddenly got an idea to put toegther a stocking for her. I had the extra stocking, and put her name on with glue and glitter. We had extra candy for it, and the boys and I each wrote her a note. I told the boys to each write down 1 thing they apprecaite about Grandma, and we put our notes in the stocking for her. Needless to say, she teared up.

Try to always take the high road. Make the call to her, even though she should be calling you. Help the kids to make Christmas cards for her and the other family members, even though you don't feel like it. Later, you will feel good knowing that it didn;t matter how much crap your H served up, you were gracefull, and dignifed. If any of those people are ever called into court, it wold be very hard for them to say anything negative about you.

Remember that they are only hearing your H's side of eerything right now, and we know what a load of crap that is. I am not suggesting that you call her to give your side - I am suggesting you call her to talk about the kids, and she will see that you continue to be a good mom, and she will know that her son is a liar.

A dear friend once told me something:

he can crap in your cup, but that doesn't mean you have to drink it!

Every time I called her crying about my latest issues, she would just repeat this statement. it makes me smile now.

Hang in there. Play lots of worship music right now. Call friends you haven't spoken to in years. Think of wacky things to do with the kids like eating ice cream too late at night, or eating dinner by candle light, or cutting toast into the shape of a star in the morning.

LaShelle- yep! Got your email! Just finalizing things on this end. Will write you again soon!