Let me give you some background information first.

My husband and I met when I was 19 in early 2000. He is 4 years older than me. I was sophmore in college going for computer science. Let me tell you, it was love at first sight. I thought he was the most handsome, sweetest, caring guy I ever met. I felt like we were soul mates, as we had a lot in common, shared the same goals, and similar upbringings, and wanted the same things. We started spending a lot of time together, and I would sleep over at his place (against my parents wishes -- as I was still my daddy's little girl). My parents had a hard time at first, but they trusted me. My father had a rule that as long as he was paying for my college, I was going to focus on my studies and do what it took to graduate w/in 4 years. He did not want me to become a career student.

Well in my junior year of college at age 21, I found out that computer science was not for me. Let me tell you that I did computer science because I thought if I was successful it would make me a lot of money and I thought it was what my dad wanted me to do. So at the start of my senior year in college, I decided it was time to change majors. Knowing my father's time constraints for how long I could be at school, I chose Secondary Mathematics as my major. It was the one major that would take the shortest amount of time...2 years to complete, forcing me to go to school a 5th year. My dad asked me if I was sure, and at the time, I thought so, because my sister and I would play school growing up. So I took summer classes, 19 credits in a semester to do what it took to finish my degree ASAP.

Anyway, going back to my husband...he proposed to me halfway through my 4th year of college. He was very patient. Everything was great between us, but at times, he would get frustrated because he felt that I would never appreciate the things he does for me. Granted, he wasn't paying for my college...as my father was doing that...but he did support me in a lot of ways. He was willing to put his life on hold to wait for me to finish school. When we met, my only bills was my car and credit card...( my car - it was already paid for), but I still had bills in terms of maintenance, gas, etc. as it was an older car and it terms of my credit card, I never kept a balance on it. I had part-time jobs while going to school and they would pay my bills. Well, while we were dating, I racked my credit card up to about 1200 dollars. I could have paid it off myself over time. My husband offered to help me...plus he was upset that I racked my credit card up. I spent a lot of time at my husband's place so he supported the both of us in terms of basic necessities, meals, clothing, etc. My car broke down on my 4th year and he would even drive me to school everyday which was in the opposite direction of his job, so it would take 45 min out of his ime that he'd have to leave earlier for work to take me to school. He always paid when we went out. During my last year in college, my car completely died on me...needed a new transmission. I could not afford the repairs on my car or even to get a newer car. If we weren't together, I would have borrowed my dad's older 2nd truck until I graduated and once I got a full time job would have bought myself a car. My husband helped me get a car though, so I would not have to borrow my father's truck. There were times I felt guilty as he would express to me that I didn't appreciate all that he does for me. I truely did, and thought I was showing my appreciation...I would clean up his living quarters, do the laundry, make sure all the bills got paid on time - take care of the things in a household that women normally did and love him. But he would complain that I wasn't being "loving" enough.

I finished school 3 years after my husband and I met...and we married a week after graduation. My bills coming into the marriage was monthly payments for the car my husband helped me get, and less than a 1000 in credit card debt. When I met my husband he had close to 20k in debt in credit cards, student loans, and a car. It did not bother me as I figured he'd helped me while I was in school, so this was my chance to help repay him.

I taught a year of high school in MD, and then we both decided we would move to PA a year and a half ago. PA is where my husband grew up, and he missed home and we both thought it would be a nicer environment to raise children and the cost of living is cheaper than in MD. I got a job teaching middle school at the end of the summer after we moved up here. My husband had trouble finding a decent job. He is an accountant and although he had 4 years job experience he did not yet have his degree. So last fall, he
stayed at home and took the last 3 classes he needed to finish his degree while I worked. I was happy as I was feeling that I was finally getting to support him while he did what he needed to get back on track. He finished his degree last Christmas and got a nice job this past Feb.

I thought we were completely happy. The only downfall is that we were living with his parents, and I was anxious to move out. Well my year of teaching at the middle school level was miserable. The principal and I did not get along. I felt like a robot. Us teachers were told that we could have some individuality, but in the same breath, the administration would say that when they walked from one math classroom to another, they wanted to see the exact same lesson. I felt like we were only teaching for the state test because of the pressure the "No Child Left Behind Act" put on the school. I would spend long hours and nights at school to conform with the principal's wishes and rules, but he basically kept telling me I wasn't good enough. I lost faith in the education system and started hating my job. I resigned at the end of the year.

This summer, my husband and I find out we're pregnant. Very exciting for both of us, but stressful because I was unemployed and not sure what exactly I'm going to do. I still have goals for us to do what we both wanted to do to reach our dreams.

My husband was frustrated with me though and mentioned that he felt I was unmotivated and didn't want to do anything anymore. I was depressed. I hated living with his parents, now I was pregnant, unemployed and my husband is upset with me. I honestly didn't know and still don't know what career is best suited for me. My husband mentioned that he thought about divorce earlier this past summer, because I changed. He said I showed no signs of motivation to get a better job and that when I found out I was pregnant (although we had been trying for almost a year) that I stopped doing things and just layed around in bed most of the day (during the first trimester, I had bad morning sickness and felt awful). By the end of the first trimester, I got a job and wWe talked out our feelings and I thought we resolved everything. I'm now starting to think everything is not resolved.

We are currently buying a townhouse...we go to settlement at the end of this month. The baby is due in March. I am still working at the hourly job (this is the start of my 3rd month there) - not close to what I was making teaching. I love my job right now, but it's getting rough as my belly is now getting bigger, we're short staffed and are constantly busy. I get tired easy, but I'm not stressed at work. Fortuneatly, we can afford the townhouse on my husband's income alone, so the money I'm making is helping furnish it, and cover extras we want. I still feel though, that my job is not good enough for my husband. He keeps expressing that he wants me to make a certain dollar amount a year. He feels he's settling on the townhouse as it's not his dream house. It's not my dreamhouse either, but the way I see it, we're taking baby steps to reach our goals, which makes sense to me as it seems unrealistic to buy a 300k home as our first home. I'm just happy that we're making strides to reach our goals. Now that the baby is on the way, my biggest concern is to make sure that it has its own, loving home. I feel different things now. I want to see what career is out there for me to make that money so my husband and I can reach our goals faster, but at the same time, I feel my main priority is to be the best mother and wife I can be by staying home to raise our child and take care of the house.

I love my husband very much. I know he loves me very much too, and I know he'd never cheat on me...if he wanted to be with someone else, he'd leave me first. But I recently found out that he subscribed to internet dating sights and that he checks them regularly. He doesn't know that I know. From what I can tell, he just looks, he hasn't tried to contact other women or acted on anything. I truely trust him and don't think he'd do anything while we're together. I think he'd have the decency to leave me before doing anything. Some of my trust in him has falled though. I think he is still frusted that I don't have a lucrative job, and he feels like he's constantly supporting me financially and now with the baby on the way, I think he feels trapped. I don't want that. If he feels trapped, I'd rather leave and take care of the baby on my own. Other women do it all the time and I think I could too if I was forced too. I know I'm hormonal right now, and I know if I try to bring this up to him, he'll just blame it on pregnancy hormones and that I'm pregant. In the past, most of our arguements always ended with him later saying that I was PMSing.

I love my husband, but sometimes I think he thinks of me as still a child and someone he has to take care of. I'm only 25 and he's almost 30. I constantly feel like I'm trying to catch up to him. In the past he'd mention that he could have dated someone closer to his age and already be where he wanted to be at this time in his life, in a nice home, kids, loving wife. I tell him that he didn't have to wait for me, but he says he loved me so that he didn't mind waiting. When I express my feelings to him, he blames that I'm being emotional or that I have lack of self esteem. Granted, I had poor self-esteem when we first me, but I think he's helped me grow out of that stage.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I'm just getting anxious because we're supposed to go to settlement at the end of the month and after finding out about those websites that he frequents often, I'm now scared. I'm worried that we're about to make a mistake in getting this new place together. I'm worried that he's staying with me because he feels like he has too.

Tell him you know. The two of you need to communicate. Let him know that you are concerned. He cannot read your mind. How can he know how you feel if you do not tell him.

Things change dramatically after a baby comes into the family. If there are issues before the baby comes, it will only be magnified afterwards as your attentions will be divided. Take it from someone who knows, strengthen your marriage every way you can before hand. Communication is key.

Tiny

I have bad news for you. Most of us here never thought in a million years that our spouse would cheat on us. Your husband's behavior is completely inappropriate for a married man with a baby on the way. I suggest you get some marriage counseling, and soon.

Also keep reading here, and make sure you are trying to meet his top emotional needs.

My suggestion would be to buy "His Needs, Her Needs" book, "Lovebusters" book, these are all Dr. Harley's Books.
And for further measure I would get Dr. Laura's book on the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.
Apparently you do feel that there might be a chance of your husband cheating or you would have never clicked on infidility link. These book will help you to identify what the most important needs are of both your husband and yourself. The Lovebuster will give you an idea what behaviors and actions lead to a partner's unhappiness.

I echo what Tiny says. When you introduce a baby into the family, things change dramatically! You may see it as what a wonderful addition. However, stress from additional problems like money (babies are expensive), time (losing together time, losing sleep), and others are going to be present. I have had two A's and the first was right after my first child was born. I mean RIGHT after. If he is on the ledge, this could very well push him over.

You need to get some problems worked out now and you need to confront him on the dating sites. That is just flat out wrong. Would he tell his mom that he has visited those sites?

Get the books, both of you read them, and get to counseling. If you can't afford counseling, have him log on to this site. There are so many good people here who have your marriage's best interest at heart. He can post anonymously and get some feedback. You may even talk to your minister (if you go to church) about it and he may be able to help. Don't delay it. You need to take control of this situation and not let roll with it and see where it goes.

SNT