Well yesterday was our anniversary.Since I am living with my
parents since the A was discovered I had to sneak into the
house while Wife and son were asleep.I made up some posters
and banners saying Happy Anniversary,I Love You,I Miss You
and quietly placed them in living room,kitchen, and dining
room along with several ballons I had blown up and wrote same messages on them.Also made up a big poster and taped
it to her van.Then quietly went on to work.Had 8 long stem
roses sent to her 1 rose for ever year we have been married and a card saying Thanks for 8 great years and many more to come.Bought her some nice Gucci perfume,4 anniversary cards,and a scented candle set.Made reservations at a nice Italian resturant ( had to take her niece and boyfriend with us that is the only way she would go ).After work went
by house gave her gifts and cards,went out to dinner,then had a few drinks then back home.She never once said happy
anniversary to me and she got me nothing when I told her happy anniversary she woul;d say it's not our anniversay you cheated on me.Once we were home we watched a movie with
son.She said you can stay on couch since it is late and we have been drinking.Son fell asleep she turned tv off and while we were sitting on couch she said "Why are you trying so hard"? I told her becaused I love her,I missed her,and I
wanted us to be back toghter.She stood up shook her head and said good night.I got up and tried to give her a kiss and she said dont and pushed me away.Got up this morning kissed her and son on forehead and went to work.My question is did I answer the question wrong.I know it's still early
the A has only been discovered for 2 months now but she doesn't seem interested in even talking about reconciling.
Do I continue as I am? Thanks.

Continue as you are. It is absolutely devastating to have your partner betray you.

Have you figured out why you chose to cheat? Have you explained it to her? Have you figured out how not to do it again?

I hate to rain on your parade, but maybe you went a little overboard on the anniversary and set your expectations too high on her melting when she saw all the things you had bought her. Again, I hate to say it but I think you went for overkill in the gift giving department.
When my w/h was just coming out of the fog, he wanted me to give him nothing, nothing for his birthday.
It is hopeful though that she did consent to go out to dinner with you. Just slow down, and give her some wiggle room. Too much, too fast = too desperate. And we know nobody looks good in desperate mode.

K.D.'s Hearbreak.

I wouldn't say you answered it "wrong", because you said what was on your heart. However, not knowing what your wife's particulars are, you could have said something more to the effect of:

"I'm trying so hard because I made the worst mistake of my life. Because I regret hurting you and betraying you and the vows I made. Because I want you to realize I regret taking what we had for granted and I want the chance to prove to you that I'm trustworthy now and that I want to be the man of your dreams. Because I have finally got it through my thick skull (trust me, dramatics for effect are necessary with us gals) that you are the woman of MY dreams. Because I can never say I'm sorry enough, but I'm never going to stop trying."

See the difference? Lots of betrayed spouses hear "I love you" all the way through the affair, and it doesn't have as much of a tug on our hearts afterward. It could be that your W doesn't SEE the repentance in you, just that you want her and your son back. Back down a little bit, don't overdo the lovey dovey stuff. It may just be more than she can handle.

Hi WC,

It's been a while since we heard from you.How are things in general going? If I may say so,it still sounds like you are going overboard with the attention/gifts.I can understand that if you feel this in your heart you want to show your W but she is still confused and upset,understandably.Not all BS's react positively to the attention if they are not in the mindset of recovery.I am sorry she isn't being receptive,it can hurt.

Where are you both on the counseling issue?

Two months is still early to expect much so do keep improving yourself and being consistent.Roll with the punches.This is the long hard road to recovery and there is still the possibility that the marriage could end.Hopefully not but when you're faced with adversity and this difficult journey of trying to come back from the cheating,it can take a toll.That's why most people in R say it's the hardest part.So much to rebuild.

Ultimately though,your W is going to have to address her feelings and talk to someone and learn how to cope.She cannot go on eternally feeling poorly and hope to save this marriage and also recover individually.Especially if she is depressed.

Has your W given you any positive feedback lately aside from letting you stay on the couch periodically?

O

well..i don't know your whole story, but something about your post struck me to respond.
Being in your wife's shoes....i think you answered right. but also being in her shoes...you have to understand, there is no trust there. My H left my son and me 2 days before our 10 year anniversary, i am still fighting like H**l to keep our M together. He is still denying he is having an A. He lies to me and our son daily. He doesn't seem to want to lose me, but doesn't want to end the A either. Not to compare you and he. But, if you did anything like that to your w, you have to understand anything you say to her will be questioned as truth.

Not trying to bash you, understand that...i think alot of you for wanting to keep you M. for showing love to your w and son. Continue to show that love to her. Pray that God will show you the things you should say and do, and that God would heal her heart and help her to regain trust for you again.

What you said meant alot to her...i am sure of that, don't get angry with her...continue showing and telling her you love her and want to be with HER.

Be patient....

Yes I chose to cheat due to lack of attention she was showing me and the fact she didn't want to have sex as often as I did.Yes I have explained it to her she says I didn't show her attention either but she didn't go cheat on me over it.And as far as sex she says she is sorry she
didn't want it as often as I did and if I wanted a slut or
nympo I should have married one.And she gets mad and we start to fight.ANd yes I know I will never cheat again.

You know there was no excuse to cheat. I'm sure you have realized that by now. Even though you said she didn't want sex as often as you, or she didn't show her attention to you it's still not an excuse. You made a commitment to her that you broke. I understand all too well since I also did the same. Make sure you remove all excuses and take 100% responsibility. While 2 people can have problems in a marriage, if a partner commits an affair, the responsibilty for the affair is with that partner.

wow..kinda where i am. even though H hasn't told me that, i KNOW that is why he is w/OW.
she said you didn't show her attention either. Hmm...well your showing her now, but i agree with one of the other posts...maybe not so much attention. I know it was your anniversary..and its special. Maybe back off just a bit...NOT much or she will be hurt. Just thinking if it were me, i might feel like she is right now. She has the upper hand and knows it, AND she deserves it. Understand though...she is so very hurt. i believe with time...her emotions will change...i go up and down on a minute basis. Continue to show love to her..that is most important. Remember your statement "yes i chose to cheat"

trust takes time to regain...if you love her...and want to be with her...be patient, understanding, and very loving. try not to get mad when she gets mad...i know easier sad than done...but remember...you did this...she didn't ask for it.

again not trying to bash you... i admire your love and willingness to drop your pride and save your M.

be patient with her.

I think I am in general agreement with the crowd here. You may have gone a little overboard on the gifts. What she wants is not things. What she wants is a change in actions. Like someone said, timetables vary for when she will accept things and obviously she isn't ready. When you say things like I love you you are opening the door for her to say "If you loved me then why...". If you give her things, you are opening the door for her to wonder if you gave the OW the same or better things. See what I mean. Your word choices and your actions are so important right now that you need to think things through carefully. You can't always say what is on your mind or do what you want to do. It can come back to bite you in a way you never envisioned.

I am in a similar predicament. I just "came clean" and we are recovering. Things are going well. My W's birthday is 11/9 and our anniversary is 11/27. Not sure what I am going to do. Harley recommended that I go with a self-written poem or something. Not sure if I am creative enough to do that but I don't think the quality of the verse is going to be what matters.

Have you told her that you are 100% responsible for the affair? Like someone else, you HAVE to do that. She has to know that you accept that. She believes that and you need to to tell her that you do also (if you really do). Have you told her if there is NC and how you are going about making sure of it? She wants that also. Has she gone "digging" to dredge up all the particulars of the A? If she has, you have to be cooperative and not try to prevent it. Ask her what you can do to make this easier on her. Tell her you know you have hurt her, you regret it, and you want to know what you can do. Don't ask her what she wants because she will say something like "I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!". You may even tell her that you went overboard with the gifts because I am sure she thinks it too. I think she feels bribed.

She just needs reassurance in every possible way that this will never happen again.

Buddy, I am right in the thick of this with you. I'll be following this thread so let me know what I can do to help.

SNT

Just thought of something else...

One of the most important things I did was confess to our closest friends (our Bible Study). This was for a few reasons.

1. For me, it made me accountable to others who cared about me.

2. For her, it showed her that I was serious about changing and not protecting the OW or myself.

3. Also for her, it gave her some outlets of people to safely talk to. She didn't want to go blabbing about the A to everyone and didn't want to have to be careful with how she described it. I told it all and now she has some people she can tell exactly how she feels to. She can vent, cry, or whatever because they already know it.

It's things like that (things that she didn't ask for but I did on my own) that are making the biggest difference in the quality and speed of our recovery.

SNT

WC:



And by jaysmom:



These "assessments" are just plain wrong you two.I have to call you on it.

WC,

No one held a gun to your head and said cheat.Do you realize just how many of us out there are going without needs and all sorts of things? That doesn't mean you go out of the marriage and get "it" from some opportunistic OP.If you felt that your sex life wasn't what you wanted it to be you had a responsibility to talk with your W and keep talking and maybe even see a counselor to resolve it.Cheating is NEVER the answer.Her suggestion of going to go and get a "slut" to marry isn't appropriate either but she is understandably very upset at the cheating and feels like you chose some stranger over her,which you did.

Jaysmom,

You should know this too about your WH.Cheating is ALL ABOUT what is going on inside the WS.It has nothing to do with the BS.In my case,I went without several needs being met but found ways to be fulfilled in other areas of my life, and then the A hit our marriage.Even so,I would never ever consider cheating.It's not an option for anything.Your WH is with OW bcause he is trying to solve problems,fill voids and perhaps boredom the wrong ways and seek excitement and escape reality.Do not take blame for the A in any way.


Perpetuating the false "reasoning" for A's happening has to be stopped,one marriage at a time.

JMHO.

O

Well I might be able to give you a slightly different perspective from a BS. There has not been an anniversary date for us since D-Day but I have thought a lot about this. Since I really have a difficult time sorting through what was true and not true in our relationship prior to D-day it is hard for me to be very enthusiatic about celebrating that day. However, in order to keep the significance of our original anniversary, we will be renewing our marital vows on our anniversary this year which will be just about six months into our recovery.

I think you might have pushed a little hard since your wife is still sorting through all this. If my FWW did the same things on our next aniversary, it would make me a little uncomfortable.

This is kind of hard to explain but a year from now on our anniversary, to me it will really kind of be my first ann. to my new wife in my new life. I will really celebrate this. That mcuh better to me than celebrating the first 18 years together which were both good and bad but filled with dishonesty and the A from my FWW's part and destructive behaviors on both our parts.