I am very new to this website and board, but have learned alot by reading the posts and the Infidelity section of the website. Here is my story--I haven't seen any other posts that have the added twist that mine does...Sorry this will be long.

Background--I am 38 years old, my husband is 40. We have been married for almost 6 years, although we have been together exclusively for 15 years, and were friends for a year before that. We have three children--5 yrs, 3 yrs, and a 3 month old. We have been through many ups and downs throughout our relationship and marriage--too many to go into here, but you could just say that it has been a rocky road and we always made it through because we had each other (or so I thought). For a couple years, we have been living in my mother's house with her, who he does not get along with, and it has been difficult, so we had been making plans to move out and get our own place, but due to financial difficulties, we have stayed there. He works graveshift hours (10:45 pm - 8:45 am) Thurs - Mon nights, at a place that is almost an hour's drive away, while I work day shift Mon - Fri, so we are barely ever home together. We just had our third baby in August. Since February, he had stayed with a friend who lived near his work, on weekends he was working. When this started, it was only supposed to be due to bad weather (blizzard, snow, etc) because we got a lot of storms this winter. This progressed to be to the point where he would stay up there every weekend, and on his nights off, he would go up there to hang out, or go to the gym. I was left to deal with the two kids and housework, while pregnant. He said this was because it was easier for him to sleep up there because he was so tired, he was afraid he would fall asleep at the wheel on the way home, and because he did not like my mother, and would try to avoid her. We had many arguments over this and I asked him if he was having an affair, and he denied it over and over again. Because I was expecting a baby in Aug, I was afraid to delve any further and would not pursue it (I wish I had, now that I know what I know). I suggested marriage counseling but he did not want to go--he was seeing a counselor on his own for anger management issues.

In mid-September, my husband told me that he had a problem with a coworker and had been suspended for a week while HR and the Employee Assistance rep looked into the situation and he had to go there for meetings, etc. I assumed that he had gotten into a fight (perhaps physical) with a coworker because he has a temper and had served 9 mos in prison for an assault. After a week, he was allowed to go back to work, so I thought that the situation was resolved. When I asked him what had happened and he refused to tell me, only saying that he would let me know when it calmed down. He said that he may have to face criminal charges, and would need to hire a lawyer. When I would ask him to tell me what happened, he kept putting me off and saying he would tell me next week, etc. The big change after this was that he stopped staying up near work and was home during the week on his nights off. He was doing more with the family and helping me out more at home.

Well on Oct 13th, he called me at work in the afternoon and said that he had to go up to a police dept near work because they wanted to talk to him about this incident. He had driven me to work, so he picked me up with the kids and brought me home saying that he would be back later. Well, a couple hours later, the local police came looking for him but would not say why. I called his cell phone and asked him what was going on. He said that he was being charged with breach of peace and had to come up with $150 for bail money, and was trying to get this from friends before turning himself in (we did not have this money available to us). An hour later he called me and said that he had been having an affair with a coworker for 7 months, and when he had told her that he was breaking it off completely to return to his family, she got angry and hit him while he was driving. He hit her back, and then they went to her apartment where they had sex as a "last time". After they had sex, she went to the police in the morning and claimed that he had raped her and held her in the apartment against her will. He had gone to the police the next day for questioning and it took a month for the warrant to be issued for his arrest. This woman told him that if he didn't have time for her, she would get him back for it, and she has really done it. This alleged incident happened on Monday, and he said, why would I rape her on Monday, when we had sex on Fri, Sat, and Sunday?

He is facing some serious charges (assault, kidnapping, sexual assault) and we are unable to raise bail of $7500 to get him out of prison. He had consulted a lawyer when this happened, who wants $4000 to start working on his case. We do not have this kind of money, so he has been in prison and going to two court dates with a public defender. He had to resign from his job, and we hope to have the money for the lawyer within a month so that work can start on his case, but this is going to be a very long ordeal. His name and reputation have been drawn through the mud in the area surrounding this, which luckily is far enough away from our hometown, that the local papers here did not print the story. Even when the lawyer is hired, we will not be able to raise the bail, unless it is drastically reduced, so he will probably be in prison for 4 - 6 mos minimum.

I do not believe that he raped this woman, and even though I am devastated by the affair, I do not feel that he deserves to be in prison away from his children who need him. He said he didn't know how to tell me and never meant to hurt me, that he did not want to leave his family and he deeply deeply regretted his actions. He has asked me to stand by him to help him get out of prison and if I choose not to be with him after, he understands. He said that from the beginning it was just for sex, and they agreed, that he would not leave his family for her, but then she fell in love with him and would not leave him alone when he tried to break it off. She is an unstable person and has a 2 yr old son that her mother is raising because she cannot handle it (she is 26 yrs old). Apparently she has a reputation at their workplace also.

I am having a very hard time coping with these two bombshells--first the affair is bad enough, but on top of it, he is in prison because of it. I have had to talk to lawyers and his coworkers who knew of the affair, and the consequences (thankfully no one at my work knows of it). There was no contact between him and her after she went to the police. I know that he will not be contacting her in the future, due to the circumstances, so that is not one of my concerns.

I have found alot of help on this website and realize that I was not meeting his emotional need (sex) and my mistake was in not pursuing my concern when I suspected an affair. I just could not imagine that he would not be honest with me after all these years, and that he would not tell me that he was tempted by another person before it led to this.

I am posting my situation here because I have read alot of good advice from people here and I am hoping for some support. My initial reaction was that I could never forgive or get back together with him. However, due to the fact that we have 3 children, I decided to stand by him through the legal issues and have visited him and contacted lawyers, etc on his behalf. I believe that he is sincere in his remorse, and I believe that if we put Dr. Harley's principles to use, we can rebuild our marriage--something I never thought possible before I found this website.

What I want to know now is how do I get through this ordeal while he is in prison?? He has told me that he will answer any questions I have so that he can help me to understand this and how and why it happened. I have written many letters to him with questions, and my feelings, and he has written only one back because he is waiting for more paper. He did answer some questions, and has been open when I ask the questions. One problem we have is that our phone calls are recorded (only 3 calls a day) and only 1 hr visits twice a week are allowed. I have too many questions and hurt feelings to get it all out in this time.

I don't know if I can make it through this without him being here to work this out with me. It is a one sided effort right now. Although I did print out the entire Infidelity section of the website, and the emotional needs questionnaire to send to him and he said he will read it. So, I think that he is committed to the marriage and to me. It is just hard to believe that this whole year was a lie, and it was a rough year to begin with.

I would appreciate any comments, questions, or suggestions on how to cope with this. I am writing this at work so will not be able to respond on weekends, but this is tearing me apart and I feel completely alone. My mother is the only person that knows about it and she wants me to be rid of him for good so she is basically through with him and is not supportive of my efforts to help him on behalf of the kids.

I was thinking about seeing a counselor to work on myself and still think this is a good idea. Should I concentrate on myself now and try to work on the marriage when he gets out? Of course, it is not guaranteed that he will get out anytime soon. I have to prepare myself to hear all of the details of the affair as part of his defense and if there is a trial, it will take even longer. How do you move on when there will be no resolution for months or even years??

Welcome to MB. I am so sorry this has happened to you. It's a pretty awful story.

All I can say is that no one should be surprised when affair partners turn out to be unstable liars. Your WH took a chance and unfortunately he got burned big time. Nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. Nobody ever thinks *their* affair partner will turn on them.

My only advise would be to NOT rescue your husband. Let HIM fully experience the consequences of his truly rotten choices. Let HIM figure a way out of this. Let HIM get back into your good graces through his own actions.

You will have your hands full dealing with your children while he is gone. Don't rescue him. Let him rescue himself.
Mulan

{{{{{mamafish and children}}}}}}

I just want to say Hi and welcome. You must be hurting so much. The more experienced MBer's may be able to help you better than I when it comes to the principles here and working them from a home/prison setting.

Is you H in jail or prison? Usually it's jail while awaiting a plea and/or trial.


This has me worried and it should you as well. He has a history of assault. Has he assaulted you or the children?

MF, he has lied alot....becareful of anything he says to you now.

I wonder if you could see the statement that OW made to the police.

Again you are in a very difficult position... becareful every step you take with him.

Don't go broke helping him, you need to think of you and the children first now.


Lady

There are several things that you have posted that worry me.

First of all not many 40 year old men live with their MIL`s.

The second thing of course being the "affair"

The third thing would be the fact that he admits to hitting
her.

The fourth thing is his remark "Why would I rape her on Monday if we had sex Fri. Sat and Sun.?"

The 5th issue is that your H has lost his job over this.

And finally your H has been put in jail.

Now I will explain why all of the above worry me.

At 40 years of age a man should be able to provide a home for his family. Most 40 year old men would have too much pride to allow their MIL to house themselves and thier family. I can understand a 20 something doing this, but not a 40 year old man with a W and three children.

Now about the affair...that alone is a HUGE red flag but it alone is not necessarily the death knell for a M. But this is not just an A. It has turned into an accusation of rape. This is VERY serious. Is it possible that your H did in fact have a 7 month affair with her and she made the accusation out of revenge? Yes...it`s possible. But it is also possible that there many not have been an affair with this woman OR there may have been another affair with a different woman going on as well that you to explain your H`s absences that you at this point have no knowledge of. It is also possible that your H did have an affair with her but that he did also rape her. It is possible to rape someone that you are in a relationship with. No means no whether you have slept with them before or not.

Your H admits to hitting this woman. There is NO EXCUSE for that. I don`t care what she did or what she said. You don`t hit someone. Has he ever hit you? Has he ever threatened to?

About his "proof" that he couldn`t have raped her if he had sex with you for the three proceeding days. This is a STUPID thing for him to say. Is this the best he can come up with?

Your H has lost his job over this. This shows a colossal lack of good judgement here.

Your H is in jail. The police and the judge have obvioulsy found some merit to this story thus far otherwise your H would not be in jail right now.

I have no idea if your H did this or not. I think the police, the judge and the jury will figure this out for you.

You will need to take a step back here and try to look at things objectively. Allow the investigation to proceed but keep an open mind. I do think you should concentrate on yourself. Your H has placed himself smack dab in the middle of a HUGE mess. It will be up to him to get himself out of it. This is a bigger problem that what we are used to seeing here. You should definitely seek some outside professional counselling.

Here is something to consider:

A man in prison, or jail, will say ANYTHING to get out. It is very understandable, it's a rotten place to be and I'm sure all he is thinking about is getting released.

Given the fact that he has lied for months about his life, why would you think, for a second, that he is being truthful now? I wouldn't believe a damn thing he says anymore. If you want to help him get out of jail, then good luck to you.

I don't think you will ever have anything but more pain with this guy. People don't change that much.

I hope in the end this works out for you and your three children.

"An hour later he called me and said that he had been having an affair with a coworker for 7 months, and when he had told her that he was breaking it off completely to return to his family"


Well, I for one, have a problem with his story. Read the boards here for awhile and check out how often a WS breaks it off with the affair partner before being found out. It is like once in a blue moon. I'm not saying it is impossible, but very, very unlikely.

If I were you, I would let him get himself out of this one.

I hve to agree with KJ and believer...something is not right - but I could be very wrong.

Your husband has a temper...and has been charged for it in the past. And he has been lying for months on end. Normally a WS doesn't react well when their OP is dumping them as they risked their family, etc to be with them secretly...I wonder if his temper may have gotten the best of him as she broke up with him, and now he is trying to save face by coming clean with his twist.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Will the police allow you to see OW's statement?

Like the others I'm concerned about the fact he hit the woman and admits to it. Also, I'm not sure how his work situation with HR and the Employee Assistance Rep fit in with being suspended? Something just doesn't all add up.

And too, you can have sex with a person Fri, Sat, Sun, and they call it quits in the relationship, and they can still be raped on Mon. Please consider that he may not be telling the truth. He lied for a long time and he still may be lying.

If there is a way to find out the information in the police reports, it might benefit you to do so.

Hi Mamafish. I'm sorry you've been dealt these cards, but I think you can still play the hand. You asked for comments and suggestions, so here's mine. Like everything else you are bound to hear during all of this, take what you need and filter out the rest as only you know all the details of what's going on in your life.

First and foremost I think you should run, not walk, to your nearest therapist. This is a major life blow that you yourself has recognized as needing assistance with dealing with.

Second, I really feel that while you will most likely do what you can to help your WH through his legal issues, you should begin focusing on yourself and your children. He will manage just fine. He won't be happy. In fact he'll be miserable and I don't doubt that shortly he'll find a way to start to put blame on you for his problems. Wayward spouses are highly adept at deflecting blame. You need to be prepared for this. NONE OF HIS PROBLEMS ARE YOUR FAULT! Most importantly, it is not your sole responsibility to get him out of the hole he's dug for himself.

As far as what really happened with him and this OW, ultimately, time will reveal all truths. That is another thing you may have to prepare yourself for. I'm not saying he is guilty, but I'm not saying he's innocent either. No matter what the justice system determines you will find out what happened and you may not like what it reveals.

You do have some good things going for you now. With this accusation, your WH and the OW will have NC. Also, this could be your WH's "rock bottom". (I would think so, but some folks hit bottom and just keep on digging) If that's the case, he has no where else to go but up. Once his legal issues are behind him he can focus on you and the children again and show you that he really cares. Right now all he has is time. That's going to really eat at him.

His guilt is overwhelming him right now. Not only did he destroy this OW's life, he's destroyed his life and the lives of his wife and children. He's got a lot of pieces to sort out and put back together. So he's going to do and say a lot of things to manipulate you. If you don't play his way, you'll see what I mean.

If you have been abused by him in any way, please bring that up to the therapist. You will need help in gaining the self-respect needed to break free of that.

Time is on your side Mamafish. It doesn't seem that way right now, but you now have time to work on getting yourself strong. Get yourself the help you need to do it.
It is possible and you can achieve it!

Get out of this marriage with a cheater, lier, and criminal whatever you have to do. It is not worth having such a man even as a friend much less a husband. That remark about "how could i have raped her Monday when we had sex on Fri, Sat, Sun" was the remark that shows how little he respects and values you, his wife.

He is a horrible man and leave him rot in jail.

Thanks for all of the comments and concern. I will try to answer some of the questions here:

He is in a correctional institution awaiting trial. I call it prison because it is a state facility and there are both pretrial and convicted inmates there.

He has not assaulted me or the children. The assault in his past was a fight with a former friend and the friend went to the police. Not trying to defend him for this but he has been in counseling for anger management and is on antidepressants, and is a type 2 diabetic (undiagnosed at the time of this fight).

I am very leery of what he is saying as I am not sure what the whole truth is, and I agree that I am the only person he has right now. His family is all out of state and does not have the means to help financially anyway. I have not seen the police report, as the report has been sealed. I was under the assumption that I would not be allowed to seal it so I have not requested it (although the thought did cross my mind, I did not pursue it).

We have been living with my mother to try to save money to get our own place. We used to live in this house without her (before our first child was born). My mother lived in her own place. She has experienced some health problems and could not live on her own, so she moved back into her house with us and we have been trying to save money to buy our own house--I realize this is unusual and I think it contributed to the problems in our marriage but it is what it is. We pay the majority of the expenses in running the household.

As for him hitting her, he said that he was driving and she got mad and hit him and he almost lost control of the car, so he hit her back--he admits this was wrong. I also agree with all of the people who said that a person can be raped while in a relationship. He said this when I asked why she would claim this if it was consensual. No one knows what really happened except him and her, and certainly not me. The lawyer he spoke with knows more than I do, and I am sure that there is more to this than what he told me. I have not been able to get more details from him (partly because every conversation is taped, so he is unlikely to tell me anything that may be used against him in court.

To clarify what I wrote about HR and the EAP rep and him losing his job. This woman was a coworker (not in his dept). When this happened, she went to their EAP to make a complaint and inform them that she went to the police. They investigated and did not have any reason to prevent him from returning to work because the police did not arrest him at the time of the report. He was returned to work without any further discipline, and worked for one month until he turned himself in on 10/13 (no contact with OW at work). At that time, he called into his supervisor to tell him what was happening (His supervisor knew of the affair and the situation). He did not think that he would be unable to go to work the next day, as he was told by the police that it was a breach of peace, not a rape charge. So, when he was unable to post bail, he was not able to go to work for his shift (4 days) and thereby violated their attendance policy. I contacted the EAP person who advised me to have him resign his position to avoid being terminated for the violation of the attendance policy, as he would be able to reapply for his position when able to. So he was not fired over this incident, and they have accepted his resignation for personal reasons.

If we had the money to bail him out, he would be out and working at his job. That is the reason that he is still in jail/prison. Now that he has resigned, he will be able to access money in his 401(k) to pay the lawyer, but it is not enough to bail him out also.

I am thinking about the comments that he is trying to turn this around and say that he was breaking up with her, when she was really breaking up with him. I have been wondering what would have happened if she did not go to the police==would he have continued to see her? He did not tell me about the affair, until the last possible moment when he knew that it would be exposed. I honestly do not know what went on. I have contact with only one person where he works (his supervisor and friend) and he has told me that my H deeply regrets this affair, and that he had tried to break it off with her, but she pursued him. He went back to her (maybe because she threatened to tell me, I don't know) but then moved his stuff out of her apartment. He told me that she tried to guilt-trip him into staying with her, but he realized that he really did want to stay with his family (this happened after the baby was born, and he was around most of the time after this). She is going around work telling everyone that he was jealous that she was going to go out with someone else. He said that is a lie.

I am being very careful when he is telling me what he says is the truth. I don't believe that I am getting the full story of their relationship so that is one problem that I have with his side. My dilemma is that I truly don't believe that he is capable of raping a woman. I know that he hit her, and I can't defend that either, but I don't believe he could do what she is accusing him of. I'm trying to keep the two issues separate in my mind but it is almost impossible.

I will take the advice to seek counseling, and will continue to read the posts for support. I appreciate all of the comments, both for and against helping him, because I change my mind on a daily basis. One day I think I can handle it and move on, and the other, I don't know why I am even considering the possibility of staying with him. I know that if I didn't have kids, he would be on his own. It is for their sake, that I am trying to help him. I have told him that when he does get out, he will NOT be living with me and the kids, and he will have to find a place on his own.

Thanks again for all of the support. I feel alot better knowing that I am not alone!

I appreciate the way you objectively looked at everyone's comments looking at the advice to see how it applied to you. We can always find wisdow in other's words. Sometimes it fits and sometimes it helps in our understanding. I hope you eventually find the truth and I know you want to do what is right, and everyone whats what is best for you.

mamafish..

I think the most important thing for you right now is to NOT do any marriage building AT ALL until this plays out...

it's just too unstable...

there is no incentive for him to do anything else but to say and do anything you tell him or want him to do..because he is in jail and he wants out.....

therefor right now the playing field is so uneven...and in the hierarchy of survival the marriage relationship is not your primary priority...

1. protection of the children
2. protection of yourself
3. protection of assets
4. protection of legal belongings

I don't think you can marriage build with him where he is...
he has to many other things he needs to focus on..

the formost being either being found not guilty OR
paying the price of his crime....

he is in a position that makes it impossible for him to process or clear to ponder your hurt...because his own pressing issues and fears will drown out anything you have to say...

this is NOT to say you are NOT welcome here at marriage builders...for you are...
it is just a very very sad way to have to be here....

seek counseling for yourself...NOT for marriage rebuilding at this time...but for how to deal with a husband in jail for rape...and if you even should........

THAT
is your priority

ARK^^

Thank you, ark, for saying what I have been thinking in the back of my mind. How can I work on building the marriage when it is so one-sided? Like I said, I sent the material to him, but what can he do with it except to read it and try to understand my side? He is not going to be able to meet any of my needs while he is away, and I cannot meet his. I have read most of the articles and understand too late, why the affair happened, and what I could have done to prevent it, if I had not trusted him so much. I am not blaming myself for it all, but I do understand why it started, thanks to this website and the board.

Also, you hit the nail on the head when you said he has too many other things to focus on...He asked me to put this aside to focus on clearing his name and working on his defense, but I am finding it impossible to do so. He is having an easier time with this since he has known that something was going to happen, and has not been seeing her since the incident. He has had time to process it and I haven't. I told him that he was a coward for not telling me when she went to the police, because at least then, I could have dealt with the affair while he was here and maybe we could have moved on from there. All he keeps saying is that he didn't mean to hurt me and he loves me and the kids, but it's all words to me since he cannot do anything to prove it.

I am going to seek counseling for myself as you and others suggest and work on getting myself and my kids together, along with our finances, etc. As I said, the 401K is his money anyway, so I am not putting myself in more debt on his behalf. If I am able to heal myself, and he takes advantage of his time to heal himself, perhaps we can rebuild when he is out, if we are both willing to do it. In any case, I will continue to visit the boards here for support and keep you all updated. Thanks again