[color:"blue"]BF scheduled an event for the weekend that means he will be busy Fri Sat & Sun nights. When he told me a couple of weeks ago, I expressed disappointment about not being able then to see him all weekend.

I also asked him how he would feel if I were unavailable for an entire weekend. (He wasn't very happy the weekend that I stayed home and my kids were gone - just to be alone by myself. He thought I had wasted an entire weekend we could have been together.

He was actually crying as he set up because the attendance is way down and his friends aren't all that interested in tying up their weekend to help him out anymore after 6 years and they have committed to others in that time and probably aren't as easily available for entire weekends with their spouses and houses needing time too.

So I know this event means a lot to him and I know he is seeing the end of an era.

When we first talked he said "why don't we do something fun with the kids on Saturday, then." We talked a few days later and he mentioned racing his car on Saturday which is bunch of cars in line waiting thier turn all day. I didn't think that would be fun for the boys and told him so. Well he justified by saying we would have to find out if they liked it anyway blah blah blah and it turned into an extended email exchange with him finally saying that his friend wasn't important - I was and he would not go then.

Last night I ask him what his plans for Saturday are, and he says he is racing.

I have no idea what to do.

V.[color]

Does you BF autocross, is that the "racing" event you mention?

Is it possible that you and the kids come to the event close to the time he would run.

I begged my ex-wife to bring her and the girls to an event, just to see if they would like it.

It's disrespectful to decide for them they wouldn't like it. This is something that is really important to him, and I think it would be a great idea to brainstorm ideas that would have made it possible for the kids to go, even if for just part of the day.

T

Ditto Enlightened...

V, I'm really get the impression that you never let BF have a good idea! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> He tried to include you and your kids on his plans, something he enjoys, and you weren't willing to give it a try. Would it hurt to try? If you and the kids are miserable, at least you made an effort, it shows the kids that sometimes you go to events for someone else, even if it's not something you've done before or familiar with, (you know... try something new!), and BF and you BOTH will know who like that stuff and who doesn't. Who knows? Maybe ya'll WILL have fun.

I saw the "R" word and just had to jump in...(racing)

You have boys? And you think they won't like racing????
All boys like racing!!!! And some of us girls too!!!!

It sounds like a BLAST! All my tracks are done for the year, can I go???

Sunny -- this is a chance for you to meet an RC EN. Is this something you won't want to share with him in the future?

I spend a LOT of time at racetracks and get hit on by lots of guys whose wives and girlfriends don't support them.

[color:"blue"]I went with him last time and you stand around all day waiting for a turn to drag. I don't think a 7&8 yo would be interested for more than an hour. [/color]

[color:"blue"]He offered to make amends for another event by doing something fun with the boys, then offers up something that would not be fun for the boys (waiting around all day in a car line or on bleachers - I saw no children there last time under teenager and one couple did bring a child who cried and whined all day.)

I did go last time with him. I am always up for something new. He wanted me to come without the kids. He didn't have any intention of keeping his empty promise to do something fun.

Under RC Harley clearly explains that if the RC is not enjoyable for both POJA means that you should look for some other RC. [/color]

I was a track rat at age 7 and 8. Loved cars. Loved races.
My kids LOVE going with me. (OK not the teenage daughter so much anymore unless she thinks she'll meet boys there...)

Try not to project your negative attitude on the kids.



So does he have to choose between his racing and his GF (you)?????

This is exactly why I could NEVER date someone who didn't love car racing as much as I do. I don't look at it as standing around all day waiting to drag -- there is so much more to it than that. Its where my friends are -- we talk all day about more than just our cars. Its a chance for him to bond with your boys and teach them.

This will be an interesting point for this discussion -- how do you POJA something that one person LOVES and another dislikes. How do you develop a more serious relationship when you don't support and share this interest?

Racing to me is imbedded in my soul. I wouldn't just give up my "RC" for "POJA". I'd give up my BF. How strongly does he feel about his racing? Is it just a minor hobby or is he full-throttle into it?

I believe Harley is saying that married couples should choose their marriage, over an RC that is causing them to spend time away from each other. Give up the RC, if they have TRIED to do it together, but one person just doesn't like it, because it's not worth losing a marriage over for one person to spend a lot of time doing it, and risk meeting a person of the opposite sex there and have an A.

For dating couples, I believe you have to try more than once or twice to learn to like the others' interests, or agree on when or IF you have the time to spend apart. Or else be willing to change (give up the RC) if the other person doesn't like it, depending on how strongly you feel about the RC, how healthy it is, how much time it takes, etc. Changing for a SO is not always the best idea.

Bottom line though, if you don't like doing stuff together, it limits your time together, so why continue dating?

P.S. Great points, Lex!

V,

you are trying to force the relationship. . . it doesn't work that way

I'm interested in how today turned out...(I assume it was this weekend?)
In your last couple of posts I sense you are in the "Taker" mode. Your needs aren't being met...right? Yet BF seems to be trying pretty hard to meet your needs... CAN he?
And on the other post you mentioned that you don't see youself with this guy long term...
I guess I'm wondering why not move on? I agree with other posts that 1) it all seems very forced and a pain in your behind; and 2) at this point, what does he do right? Can he do anything right?

BTW, I LOVE the races too...makes my blood run! Take some games along for the kids to play, books, something to keep them busy, but believe me, they are picking up on your attitude without you saying a word, and they might be missing out on something they might enjoy because of it! It's fun to watch and cheer on people you know there...
I grew up at the mx tracks because my brother raced. I don't EVER remember being bored!

1) You need to realise no bf is perfect. Even if you drop this one and meet another, the new one will probably have other stuff which you might not like either.
2) Your Bf did invite you and kids for the race so that is a nice gesture
3) As long as your bf is NOT doing this every weekend then i feel its ok to compromise about it. Its his favourite hobby and you cannot stop that.
4) Before you end things and move on, look inside you and find out what exactly and why are you so frustrated with his needs for this hobby?

Dont be disappointed with your bf, it just needs some fine tuning. You will find other days for RC if you talk about it...remember to communicated with bf. Most important point to ponder is...can you accept this hobby of his...if you cannot accept then it is wise to end things now. This hobby is part and parcel of him. You cannot change him but you can change yourself.

Sunny - are you sure you want to be dating this guy? There seem to be too many deal breakers for you, where you aren't flexible enough to enter HIS world, and he's doing a whole lot of giving that isn't acceptable to you.

I used to play in a band in college. I had a boyfriend who just hated to go with me, because I was his date, and he couldn't dance with anyone else, and he felt like he was just sitting around waiting for the night to be over. We didn't last very long, because music was my thing - I wanted to be a singer - he didn't sing. Though we liked each other and enjoyed other things like hiking and our belief in Jesus, this was a deal-breaker for him.

I met Kasey in a singing group two years later.

Sunny, it doesn't have to be this guy for you. But eventually, you will have to give up a bit of who you are, to find a common world with someone else. That process of discovery actually allows you to become more than you are right now. It doesn't sound like you're ready to do that. At least, not with this guy.

Well, I think that this applies for a married couple, not for someone whom you are dating. It's not realistic (or wise) to try to change someone's favorite hobby - during dating, you want to observe and learn about your partner, and decide if the person and his hobbies are acceptable to you - not start negotiating for how he will change his hobbies.

Regarding your BF, I have mixed feelings. Like Lexxxy, I love cars and drag racing; nothing like a 7000 horsepower machine blasting past me at 330 mph, leaving everyone's eyes teary from the nitromethane fumes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. I used to have project cars since I was a teenager.

However, after having kids, I realized that a car hobby took time away from my family, and gave them nothing in return. So, instead, I unilaterally transitioned to a whole new hobby, and am now an avid home improver. It's a hobby that even if my spouse did not participate in, she would nonethless reap at least some benefits from it.

BTW, I took my kids (9 and 10) to the races one day, and they liked it but were not all that interested. I would imagine that it would be even worse if my partner were one of the racers and I were not all that into the sport - then you really do end up sitting around all day, wondering what the point of the "stupid" hobby is. So I can definitely understand sunny's feelings - I just don't think that I would conclude that he needs to change his hobby - I would conclude that it's time to move on.

AGG

V,

he's just not that into you. . .

wiftty

Root of "everything" is money or/and sex...


V, are you satisified with your SF with him?

[color:"blue"]Lexxy,

He is not a track rat. He knows very little about the cars and the engines and blocks and manifold types etc. He just loves his corvette and wanted to see what it would do. He has no plans to mod it or anything - just wanted to take it out to the track a few times and see if he was able to have it perform as advertised.

He doesn't have friends there but one. If he were a "gear head" or "track rat" it would be more fun to learn more about the cars and tie it into watching them run. As it was the last time we went I was more excited about the mods than he was.

So, no, he doesn't love the track. It is stinky - one thing he really dislikes is strong odors. I didn't explain more fully- it is hard to in such a limited medium as a board...

My boys are easily distracted and very active - borderline ADHD. It would have been difficult to keep them interested for an entire day. The pity was that BF only got one run in and was thoroughly disappointed - no way to practice to make your launch better if you can't get onto the track...

V.[/color]

[color:"blue"]We do like doing many things together. He "had" a hobby that greatly limits time together and from the very start admitted that it had been the bane of every relationship that he had every had.

Gradually he let go of that - I never asked him to. I tried to participate and he limited that by saying his friends did this or that job. I hung out with his friends a few times then realized that I was neglecting my house in favor of hanging out with his friends. (He would be busy running his thing.) So I just cut back on my participation and did the projects around my house that I needed to do.

It was kind of like going over someone's house and they would shush you because they are watching a show and eventually you realize that you are wasting your time hanging out with someone that is not making time for your company.

I am trying to figure out if he is worth dating or not. It is like dealing with someone who has an addiction. They tend to turn to their former destructive ways, see the damage that it causes, then promise to be good.

I get hooked by the promises because he does tend to take a step or two forward before sliding back and gradually is progressing??

Anyway the races hit me hard because it was another time when he said something wasn't important to him but chose doing that over keeping his "promise" to do something with me and the kids.

V. [/color]

[color:"blue"]What do you mean? I complain here, but I generally don't take a stand against him or what he wants to do. Or do you mean that we are incompatible and I should acknowledge that gap and move on?

V. [/color]

[color:"blue"]Hi drita,

It has been really kind of bad the last few weeks because of the limited time we had. I suspect that the taker has reared its ugly head. I realized myself this weekend that I had gotten to the point where I was going to find it difficult to even LET him meet any of my needs.

I felt that he chose something else the last three weekends in a row over spending any time with me. It doesn't help either when he predicts that it will be more like a chore and he would rather be with me yet chooses to do that anyway? I just get confused it seems like a double message. He is under no obligation other than those he imposes upon himself to do any of these activities.

The boys never knew that there was an opportunity to go to the races. Next time I think I will go and since BF isn't all that into cars, take the boys down the line myself to talk to the owners and start making friends and learning about the cars.

V. [/color]

Are you waiting for him to change? Why? Why date someone you're not happy with? Why date someone that has to change in order for you to be happy? What if they do revert back to their old ways? Why are you trying to change/fix him?

I'll let wiffty answer his own post - the question you asked - but to ME - this is the same answer. You are trying to force this. Trying to put wear a shoe that doesn't fit - or trying to change it so it will fit you.