[color:"blue"]I know. [/color]



[color:"blue"]He tries. [/color]



[color:"blue"]I didn't stop him from doing it and it is not his favorite hobby. I actually think that he did it because I disagreed with him over it. Kind of like "you don't run me and my life"??? Not exactly like that but I think he just decided he wanted to do it and did it even after he said it wasn't important to him and he didn't have to go. I don't know. [/color]



[color:"blue"]I was frustrated with a number of promises made that aren't kept - he tends to try to downplay everything in an effort to please everyone. If he had never said that he wanted to do something for us, then I would have never had the expectation that it would be something FOR US that WE found enjoyable - me and the boys. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I don't have a problem with him doing his thing. Just don't make a promise to me to spend time with me and then break it. That was the meat and potatoes of why I was so ticked.

V. [/color]

[color:"blue"]Nah - I did all the bending - he wants me to host his parties, be at his events and be with him his family and his friends. However when I have my children he tends to avoid integrating into our activities. [/color]



[color:"blue"]I would have danced with others and made my own fun - I'm not a moper - I jump into everything with full enthusiasm even when it isn't my thing. [/color]



[color:"blue"]Thanks Kayla, but I tend to lose myself in another person, not have trouble giving up. I admit I am less flexible with this guy, but in some ways it is a preservation tactic, not an evasion.

V. [/color]

[color:"blue"]I didn't ask him to change anything and I go along with his hobbies to a great extent. I was ticked at how he promised one thing and then did another. (Tried to pass off a rock as cheese.) [/color]



[color:"blue"]It may be that he is in the process of this and is suffering growing pains. The only way I ever "force" an issue is to not participate. What is so bad about that? I say nah I don't feel like going and wave him off. [/color]



[color:"blue"]I think that if we did it all the time as a hobby and BF was interested in all the cars that it could become a regular event and exciting to the kids like Lexxy's kids. BF was only into his car and his time - he really had no interest in the other cars or their mods. [/color]



[color:"blue"]Now that is easier said than done. I've "tried" to break up with him and he will just pester me until I change my mind.

V. [/color]

[color:"blue"] Isn't there a difference between trying to change someone and being around someone who is trying to change themselves? There is folly in both. I know I can't change him - I let him make his choices and was honest if his choice sucked for me.

The irony is that he came back saying he had a lousey time without me there anyway because he missed me so much and it was a waste of time and he shouldn't have done it.

What the heck do I do with that? Does that mean he'll never do something like this again? Or does it mean that he is saying this hoping that I will think he's "learned a lesson"?

I am not up for teaching anyone lessons - it's counterproductive anyway - all the growth has to come from him.

The shoe may not fit but I am not a blacksmith trying to make it fit either.

When he reverts to his old ways I just say ok and go do my own thing.

V.[/color]

[color:"blue"]LOL wiffty.

He "says" he had a really lousey time. That he missed me. He pushed very hard on Sunday for me to give up my plans to paint in my house in order to spend the day with him. His friends had all gone home on Sunday. He had not made plans with me in advance - this was Sunday morning and now he wanted me to drop everything so that he could spend the day with us. Some would say that again I am pissing on his efforts make amends.

I don't think that was very fair of him. It is suspiciously like he either doesn't make plans except on the fly - which is consistent - or it wasn't until all his friends left on Sunday that he realized he had to whole day stretching out and he was going to be lonely.

Frankly, I needed the time alone. It is soothing for me to work on my house - it balances me and makes me feel good about myself when I see my hard work improve my little nest.

So I turned down his offer to go do something fun. I turned down his offer to come and help me paint - he hates painting and hires painters. I was warm and cordial. I explained truthfully that I felt really bad lately that I had been neglecting my house and that it was starting to get to me and affect my moods to sit and look at unfinished work. It is depressing. My house needs a lot of painting and minor repairs right now, and I started room by room to make it over.

I did accept his offer of dinner - he would cook on the grill, and the boys and I had offered Sat to come help him Sunday evening run his event since his friends would be gone.

So we went over Sunday after I finished painting all my downstairs doors and trim. It was a really nice time. We worked together to get the food ready (BF is not a cook), we had an amiable dinner with the children. I cleaned dishes while BF made ready for his event. Then we had the event and afterwards I took the children home because it was late.

BF greeted me warmly then continued to show me large amounts of affection all evening. More than usual. Hugs and hugs and I missed you so muches... Pecks.

Maybe it is not "he is just not into you" maybe it is "he is only into you when he is afraid he is losing you".

V. [/color]

And there is probably no worse reason on earth to continue dating someone.

AGG

I agree with AGG.

To me this sounds like giving in to a spoiled child. That coupled with the fact that you do like his attention & company.

Some questions are: Is it enough for a relationship as it stands now? Would compromise on both sides make this better? Are both of you ready for a committed relationship?

[color:"blue"]I dunno - maybe your heart is harder than mine. What do you do when someone does something to drive you away then you decide you've had enough - walk out and then they call you crying and apologizing for days?

I was raised by people who told you that only Jesus was perfect and every other one of us sinners deserves forgivness. But then again the person that told me that was the biggest hypocrite of them all and sinned repeatedly against his family. Maybe he was just covering his own tracks.

V.[/color]

Everyone might deserve forgiveness, but you don't date everyone. So that's not a very good argument.

If you're talking about people that are improving their relationship skills, and BF truly learns how to meet your EN's better and better, then that's fine. But you should be sure about whether he does or he doesn't, then either stay with him and work through your challenges WITH HIM, or leave him for good. Taking him back just because he cries and apologizes and makes promises is pitiful, IMO. Communicating when there's difficulties, and working through them to resolve them.... is THAT what he wants? Is that what YOU want? Or do you just want someone who will jump through hoops when you try to leave?

If I decided that I had enough and wanted to break up with someone, no amount of crying or apologizing would change my mind. The reason for this is not because my heart is cold, but because I would have already considered the whole situation before deciding to break up - so feeling pity for the other person, while most definitely a consideration, would not be enough to try again. What for?

Now, if you are talking about someone who hurt your feelings and you started thinking about breaking up with them, and then they apologized for a specific action, that is a different story. But if I decided to break up with someone because I did not see happy future with them, no amount of apologizing or crying can change that in my view. How can someone apologize for not being right for you?


This is not about perfection or Jesus, it's about deciding if you want to date someone or not. If yes, great, do it. But if you decided you don't want to date a person, why would them crying change your mind? Do you really want to date someone because you feel sorry for them?

AGG

AGG - That's what I meant to say. LOL You said it wayyyyyyy better than I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]I guess I hadn't looked at it that way, but yeah maybe there is an element of spoiled selfishness there. [/color]


[color:"blue"]I go back and forth. When we don't see each other much then I miss him and I think that it has to be better for us to be together than to go around with a half-empty or bankrupt love bank just because he is not around to make deposits. Abandoning me to do other things that he doesn't even enjoy rips huge holes in the bottom of the love bank.

V.[/color]

no, it means he is willing to do the minimum of manipulation to keep you around. . . that's all. . . the minimum. . . and you read more into his gestures than he gives. . .

V, your relationship vision is very poor. . clouded by rationalizations. . .

wiftty

[color:"blue"] wiffty,

I will be the first to admit that I have chosen poorly in the past and am afraid to do so again. On the other hand I don't know if I am just being hypercritical and hypersensitive. (another rationalization)

I can see that BF has a good heart and is a kind man but I wonder if he is also very selfish.

I would appreciate your clarity - point out my rationalizations to me (when you find the time) so that I can think on this some more.

I do wonder what BFs side of the story would be - it is only my griping that is here...

V. [/color]