WS's aren't the only ones in the fog. We BS's are in a fog of our own. Coming out of our fog means we see the reality of our WS and the relationship for what it really was before the A. Even though we feel we're remembering the past clearly, warts and all, we're still looking at it through our own fog. The pain and anguish we feel is because that fog has been abruptly and painfully yanked away and we're beginning to see our WS as they've really been all along. Our fog has just prevented us from truly seeing it. Recovery cannot truly begin until we face that reality. Only then can we begin working on ourselves. As far as the WS is concerned they are no different than an alcoholic. Until they hit rock bottom and make the decision themselves to change, they will contine on the same path. If they return to the relationship before that happens, what they bring to the relationship is no different than what they've brought all along. If we resume the relationship before they've changed we've drifted back into the fog. It's a false recovery. When the fog lifts again we see the false recovery for what it truly is. Worrying about and dealing with our own fog is far more important than our WS's.

Excellent first post!! I believe you may be correct, however, there also comes the point in recovery (I'm not at that point, yet!) where resentment from the BS may become the biggest obstacle for the recovery. This resentment/anger coinciding with the BS's fog lift, from what I hear, can actually turn the tables, where the WS, who was once questioning the M, and the BS who was fighting like heck, now are reversing their roles. And the BS is "fighting" against the recovery and the WS is fighting for.

I think I've got that right!!

Yes I agree that the tables can turn. Even now while I am in Plan A I sometimes ask myself "is this marriage worth fighting for". I get thoughts in my head of the OW and H being together. I tell myself If I am going to forgive him I have to completly forgive. I tell myself I can forgive him because when I ask myself if I could have ever became a WS and the answer is "yes".

M 26
H 28
Married 7 yrs
DS 6 yrs old
D Day 3 Sept 05 (day before his 28th birthday)
Plan 21 Sept 05

RL, it is funny you post about the BS fog since as a BS I'm starting to defog myself. Slowly and occasionally I will find myself remembering flaws that my WW had that I never liked. I find myself questioning wherther I want to continue in a relationship with someone who has these flaws.

Combine that with the fact that they betrayed you in the worst possible way and the fog lifts quickly, but only for a short while.

Then I think of all the good things and the fog sets in again. As time goes by, I find the fog lifting from me more and more. I find myself looking at my WW and saying to myself "how could you cheat on me" or "how could you betray me like this". Then the anger starts to perculate through my body and I feel myself withdrawing from her.

You are right about feeling the pain when the fog lifts and I never really looked at it that way. It gives me some idea of what the WS may be going through when their fog lifts.

Right after D-Day #2 I was devestated and shocked by what I found out. The hurt was mostly due to shock and feelings of betrayal. But now, 4 weeks after d-day #2, I find that it is a different kink of pain. More of a realization of what I'm tryly dealing with and whether I truly want to fight for this M, especially when she is not committed and unrepenting. Initially I was hurt, now I am hurt and angry.

Mywife, you statement about role reversal is an interesting one that I wasn't familiar with. But now that you mention it, it sounds familiar to what happened in weneedhelp's case. He (BS) started questioning the M and contimplaing D and withdrew from his WW. No long after this his WW began to be more receptive to him. So you may have a valid point and hopefully some who have experienced this could elaborate.

So my fog is starting to clear, now I need that to happen for my WW.

I think after the initial blow to a BS, there comes a point if they start to investigate, read, and say particiapte here, that they (we) begin to realize that we have no power over the WS's life.

In the end, they will do what they want to do no matter what. Just as the addict will not change until they hit rock bottom in most cases, so is it with the fog of the WS.

As a BS, I can tell you I was real foggy, but after buying Dr. Dobson's book and reading it through, it made perfect sense. We simply have no power to keep someone against their will and if we do try, it only ends up in apeasement which will never work. Just ask many parents who try and apease their wayward children, and how successful they are. Usually the parents end up as doormats, and likewise, we BS's will also end up like doormats.

I still love my W. I do want her back, but I also realize now that I cannot keep her. Letting her go it the best thing I can do for myself, but is the worse thing for her even though she thinks it is for the best. Time will tell the entire story here.

Right now, I can see the icebergs ahead! No fog here.

p47d