My husband and I seperated in April. Last month I discovered this website and started reading each and every article possible. I recommended the site to my husband and to my surprise he says that after reading the articles, it was as if Dr. Harley was sitting in our living room for the past ten years. We seperated once before and I wish that I had known about meeting my husband's needs or we wouldn't be in a second seperation right now. My question is this...he says that he still loves me but that he is tired of trying to work things out. I want him to move back home and start applying the strategies that we have learned on the website and through the book. He said that he doesn't believe that the strategies will work for us, and that the couples that have worked with Dr. Harley never really fell out of love with eachother. How can I get him to come home so that he can see that the methods really do work? I have so much hope to restore our marriage, and he simply does not anymore. He says that we are already divorced, even though it hasn't happened legally. I think he wants to try but is afraid that we will end up here again. Can it work despite the dire situation that we find ourselves in?

I'd recommend one other book for you to read. "Divorce Busting" by Michelle Weiner-Davis. Sounds like that one may be more helpful for you at this moment.

D

Thanks! I will check to see if my local library has it. I am just feeling so desperate right now to know that he loves me, but can't continue with the relationship.

My suggestion to you would be to move on. It sounds like your husband is pretty much being very clear with you but you choose to remain hopeful if he will only try. He says he is "tired" of trying to make things work. I think you need to pay attention to what he is saying to you instead of putting so much energy into trying to get him to do what you want him to do. You can't row this boat by yourself. I suggest that you respect him enough to believe that he is telling you the truth and doesn't want to work things out and to let him go. It sounds to me like it is too late for him.

Take what you have learned and apply it to your next relationship instead. And if I were you, I would not hesitate to let my soon-to-be ex-husband know this. It wouldn't hurt.


*****************From JustUss***************

****Support, s u p p o r t, SUPPORT!!!!!!!!***********

[color:"blue"] TrueCrimson[/color] - You are so much ahead of a lot of us...when we get here our marriages are almost gone and our spouse won't have anything to do with the Marriage Builders principles. The fact that your H did read up on this site, and AGREED that Dr. Harley was stating things that hold true to your own marriage, is a very good thing.

Please ignore what [color:"blue"] Texasblondie45 [/color] wrote. Don't give up yet. This is Marriage Builders, not Marriage Quitters. Most of us here have tried a long time, some for years. Have you read up on Plan A & B? Without knowing more of your personal details (age, length of marriage, children, affairs, etc.) it seems like this should be part of your plan. Because of the fact your H agreed with what Dr. Harley wrote, why not schedule a counseling session with one of the Harleys? They have worked with MANY different marriage situations, and it will be money well-spent.

Thank you for the encouragement. I have talked with him tonight an he has agreed to talk to Dr. Harley. I am excited and hopeful.

That is GREAT! Keep us posted how things are going with you, and if we can provide any support or answer questions, please post here or at one of the other appropriate discussion boards.

Our sad story. We have been married for 6 years. I live in my wife’s country which is not an English speaking country. I do depend on her more than I should because of the language. I have started to study a year ago. We are struggling for money because I am studying. She had to move to an other town for work to support us. She had to stay in carp flat while I stayed in our nice home. We saw weekends only. While she was working she met a man about the age of her father and fell in love with him. This was 3 months ago and 4 months ago we were trying to have children. She has started a new job here a week ago where we life and have moved back here. Now she wants a divorce, she doesn’t love me and she doesn’t want to be the provider anymore. The work she is doing here is not good for her health, she has a illness. Now how do I compete with the OM, he played her very well against me. Small things like, I can’t do the word play you have in your own language, If I really wanted to learn the language I would have. How does it look to other people: I’m studying and she is working and paying for everything so I am just using her. We made a plan for me to study. This will be my second education but with great prospects. She knows that when I can I will provide for her so that was the deal but now she doesn’t want her life on hold, she wants fun not a boring life and boring conversations.
She has been depressed and over worked and not getting pregnant in the town where she lived alone and this was the time that he used to turn her against me. I have neglected her big time but I was waiting for her to move back so that I can take care of her. She is in total denial and withdrawal and every thing I do is just pushing her into his arms. She does not want to talk about him and said that she doesn’t talk to him about me that she didn’t want me to know about him, so he has a good time. She knows that it is not an relationship that will last. Between them but she is getting some out of it that she needs at the moment (no pressure, no demands, good conversation). She does not believe in books to help because we “act” then. The MC will not tell her to love me again. All the little fights we ever had, how stupid they were comes up now and prove that she does not love me.
She doesn’t want to spend time with me, speak over the phone. She feels I am demanding and selfish what ever I do at the moment. She knows if we spend time together she will fall again and she doesn’t want that so she said that I have to move out or she will. She also does not want to spend time in our house, I think so that she will not be reminded of some of the good stuff. She is very guilty of the affair and that it happened to her mother and father. She does not think that we would ever be able to forget and forgive. I irritate her now because I am trying to fix her. I can see in her body language that she does not want to be close to me.
I have to move out, I can’t stand to see her this hurt and it is killing me. What can I do. I want to save the marriage. We have a lot going for us, same interest same humour, same goals. All the dreams. If we would meet some where with out our past we will fall in love like the first time. Again please help she is my soul mate, my reason for living

[color:"red"] vanasvegan [/color] - You need to start your own thread, and entitle it "what do i do now" or something like that. It should be posted in the "Just found out" or "Plan A & B" or "General questions II" forums, too. This "Divorced" forum is a little premature for your situation. No one will read your post here (and respond) because you're on TrueCrimson's thread.

Thanks avondale25! I am encouraged by what you have said and by what I have read on the website.

We have been married for 11 years now. We have three daughters, ages 10, 7, and 2. We had just turned 18 when we got married, due to the fact that I was already pregnant with our first daughter. He says that he regrets everything that we have done in the marriage, and that he no longer wants his EN filled by anyone. He has done wonderfully at meetsing my EN's and neither of us knew it! Could he have done more, of course, but for the most part he has done wonderfully.

On my part, being a new wife, and mom in almost an instant did me no favors. I have focused the entire marriage on being a family, and doing the family things. There was no time for myself and hubby to go and do anything. I didn't meet his EN's for a long time, which led to the A.

During the first five years he was very "single" minded in that he wanted to hang out with his buddies from school. He found someone at work who admired him, praised him, and paid attention to him. By this time I am pregnany with our second daughter and he is seeing the OW. I found out and wanted to work on our relationship. After trying so many different things, we finally seperated. The seperation lasted about six months and he came to our apartment late one night and was begging to come home, that he would change and be more of a husband and father. He really did!

On my part, I was still upset about the OW that I felt that he needed to prove himself as a changed man. I did nothing to change. I still worked on the house, and planned family outings, making no effort give him undivided attention or affection. Five years later, he has had enough and has moved out again. This happened in April. A few weeks ago he told me that he wanted to work things out, I was ecstatic. I had been to the MB WS and he had too. We were going on dates, spending quality time together, without kids. I was happy, but it turns out that he was not and has decided again on divorce. This bring us back to the beginning of my story. He is in withdrawl, and I understand that. I am in complete giver mode, while he is unresponsive. I hope that when he gets back into town next week, we can schedule a session with the Harleys, and we can get back on track together. We love eachother, we just need to find it again.

He doesn't want to go to counseling with me, he only wants to be friends. I am upset, confused, and frustrated.

That's not uncommon, cuz he's probably 'in the fog' as we say here. He'll change his mind several times. Have you started on "Plan A"? If so, how long have you been doing it? Do you feel you're doing it well?

I read up on Plan A and Plan B. Honestly, the reason for seperation wasn't infidelity. Plan A calls for a negotiation towards reconciliation, but he is not willing to negotiate. He "wants to be friends" because we only get along and have a good time when we are apart. I can understand him not wanting to move back in for fear of getting hurt again. But, like it said in the article, out of sight out of mind. He doesn't have to "work" on our relationship because he isn't here. How long is it going to take before he realizes that it is better to have a marriage in progress than no marriage at all. It is very confusing to the kids, they just want him to move back in and be happy again. I guess I am looking for a guarantee that if I continue to practice what is on this site, he will come back. Obviously, there are no guarantees but I don't want to give up on us and how great it could be.

Quick update-

H and I are still seperated, but are getting along much better. Working very hard on love busters, and filling EN's as much as I can considering he is not in the home. I think that he questions his decision for divorce, but is afraid to come home and deal with emotions related to the seperation. I do have hope, when we do have time together he hugs and kisses me. I just need to keep on keepin on until he sees that our home is a "safe" one for him to come home to. Keeping my chin up...

Good for you! Keep posting as your situation warrants or you have questions. It sounds like there is still hope. As you continue to meet his EN and create a safe environment, hopefully he'll have second thoughts about the D.

I have scheduled a session with Dr. Harley for tomorrow morning. WH seems to be in withdrawl, but if we discuss our life together and our marriage he is very emotional. I feel like God has presented scripture and encouragement. I really feel an urgency to speak with Dr. Harley in order to wage this battle against divorce. I don't think that my WH is in God's will right now, and I think it is a daily struggle for him. He misses all of us, and the holidays are really putting the squeeze on him. He was out of town for work on Thanksgiving and he didn't like the silence or being alone during that time. Maybe this was his wake up call. We will see. I hope and pray everyday and by the hour sometimes!

Great. BTW, Plan A is about being the best person you can be, and hopefully showing your spouse the person you are - and the one they love.

We want nothing more than to see a success story on here. Many of us came here too late. If your H is reading the site, you are way ahead of the game.

With 3 children, it is important to do all you can to save your M. Divorce is expensive and hard on everyone. Using MB principles can give you a better M than you ever imagined.

Good Luck. You may also want to look into the MB seminars.

TrueCrimson,

Best luck with Dr. Harley, it sounds like you are finding alot of positive strength in yourself, good for you!

Take care,
Sad

I am anxious and nervous right now thinking about the session tomorrow. I hope that I get the information that I need to turn this thing around. It will be a long night! Thanks to newly , sad , and avondale for all of the support and encouragement. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

quick update- My husband will be moving back into the house next week when he returns from a work trip. I have been talking with Steve Harley, and hopefully we will both start doing so. Haven't talked to him yet, so there isn't an enthusiastic agreement about it yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am afraid like I have never been in my life, but also very happy to have found this website and to have another chance with our marriage. Now I will need support while he goes through the WD during the NC with OW. Maybe I will need to move to a different forum for that, but will cross that bridge when I come to it.