i know i didn't do anything wrong, but i feel so guilty. i am so scared that my husband is gonna have resentment towards me. after my tiff the other night with ow, that he told me not to do to start with, now she says she will not contact him for any reason at all untill after the baby is born. i see it as a good thing and he wants to know if that is what i wanted. i never minded contact, if it actually had to do with the baby!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> he's upset, he's scared, but won't say anything to me, he knows he deserves what he is getting, but he does not want a court battle and he feels that is now where we are headed. i don't want him to resent me, which is why i agreed to have contact to start with. he's not the type of person to walk away a child. he grew up with that and says he couldn't do it to his own. i also could have never expected that of him. now i fear the resentment anyway. have we battled the last 4 months to walk away anyway! i know we love each other, he knows he screwed up, but i just don't know if we are ever going to be able to overcome all the obsticles that seems to be popping up.

Oh my... I KNOW exactly how you feel. I could not have said it better myself. I tried to be the quiet one and do the so called right thing. I finally got sick of the ow crap. In my situation all the ow is doing is wanting to cause prob. she thinks my h will go back to her. I told my H if we are going to go through this we are going to do it right. We just have a crazy ow to deal with. Sounds like you might too. Believe me I am sure her not wanting to contact will pass.

i hate that we are all in this situation, but it is nice to have somewhere to go that someone relates. i try and talk to friends and family, but they all have there own opinions, sometimes they just don't get it.
he keeps telling me he is doing everything he knows to do to make me happy, and he is, but will it ever be enough? i just don't know anymore.
i just keep repeating, "please god, give me peace".
I'm going crazy, i don't know which direction is up anymore.

Ya, they will never understand until they walked in our shoes.

Try MARRIAGE BUILDING

while the OW is pregnant.

Your marriage is like a ship with a large leak right now. You are taking on water and your ship is in danger is sinking.

You need to do something.

But, instead of fixing the leak that is happening right now ... you are thinking about the future passengers that you may have to take on ... well, unless you fix your marriage ... the decisions about OC and all that goes with an OC are moot.

What are you doing to repair the marriage? And by "you" I mean both you and your husband.

After an affair, it is very very important that the 2 affairees NOT see or speak to each other. For many reasons

one reason is ... it is highly likely the affair will re-start

another reason is it is completely disrespectful to the faithful spouse

another reason might be it gives the OW false hope that she still might "have a chance" to win over the heart of your husband !!!!

NO CONTACT ....and there is no compelling reason for them to discuss anything until after the baby is born and after DNA has proven your husband to be the father.

If your husband insists on talking to OW before the child is born, you should ~assume~ their affair is not over.

Please take time to study all the steps necessary to recover your marriage .... read Surviving an Affair .... and read all the links under the "concepts" part of this site.

best of wishes for you and your family

honey, it is going to take some time to rebuild the trust and love between your h and you. i am glad he is working at making you happy and has recommitted to the marriage but it will take more than 4 months of committement to get you over the line. dont expect to get back to normal for a while yet.

dont feel guilty for putting the ow in her place. her threats are empty and frankly, no contact until after the baby is born would probably be the best thing that could happen to you. at least you will have a small chance to breathe and start to heal your relationship.

when the ow in my siutation was pregnant with the oc my h continued contact. they would go to the prenatal classes together, dr's appointments, he even went to the birth. it was grossly innapropriate but he wouldnt listen to me. he was too deep in his guilt and had gotten it in to his head that he was doing it "for the oc".

the contact he had with her over that time was very nearly the death knell for our marriage. i was like you and so afraid of his resentment that i never gave him the ultimatum that i really should have.

the fact is that if he intends to continue in your marriage, he need to make you his priority, not the ow. if he doesnt, it wont be his resentment you will need t oworry about, it will be your own.

hugs

carolyn

Oh you poor thing..

Truly.. I know where you are.. I was constantly threatened with "don't upset her"... well, what about us?

Pepperband is SO correct in her advice. And poor Carolyn with what she went through... I could not have been as strong. It would have killed me if my H was involved in the pregnancy... Gee, he never had to come to any appointments with me and I did just fine... OWs can be as strong.

H's loyalty is to you first. He can be a father AFTER this child is born. She cannot take away his rights if you live in the US and DNA is done. Supporting her in the way she wants right now is in no way being a good father to this unborn child. What your H choses to do afterwards is what matters if he choses C.

The OW is playing the control game.

Be unlike me, please, and play it back... Take control. You matter and we are all here for you.

Gee, Carolyn, look at me trying to offer advice.. :-)

Eibrab

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

"I do not want him to resent me, which is why I agreed to have contact in the first place"

WHAAATTTTT

Honey, read this whole site. Top to bottom, front to back. Shouldn't this decision be made by BOTH of you? Is HE worried that you will resent him for forcing contact on you?

This decision is a huge one and needs to be made JOINTLY. With neither of you forcing anything on the other. Just as you can't force him to NOT see that child, he can't force you into contact either.

As for contact with the OW. Why does he need to speak to her? What is the point? Does he even remotely get what he has done here? Does he grasp the fact that he has hurt you horribly? I think you two need to contact a strong, qualifed counselor, try the Harleys.

As for the court battle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG

This HAS to go to court. It isn't a battle. It is a LEGAL SITUATION. Would you buy a house without having the title checked? People just don't walk up to a seller and write them a check and then get the keys. Nope They either have attorneys dealing with a cash sale or they go to a lender who does appraisals, title searches, etc. FOR A REASON. TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FINANCIALLY AND LEGALLY. Lord, you can't just walk up to your husband and say "were divorced" and so be it. It has to be done via the courts.

Your husband has to grab a clue here. The number one biggest mistake in the world is to think this can be handled outside of the law. The best way is to have this all done legally. It isnt' a battle. It is actually quite simple really.

1. Ignore OW. She is not his wife and he does not owe her any care or concern while she is pregnant. He should be more concerned about YOUR feelings right now. He should be more concerned about upsetting YOU. STAND TALL AND LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND EXPECT WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT. And that is NO CONATACT AT ALL UNTIL THE CHILD IS BORN.

2. Once the child is born, DNA testing will take place. Once again, no reason for anyone to even see or speak to each other.

3. If child proves to be his, what was the decision that BOTH of you agreed upon? Contact? Well, then head to the court, get child support established along with legally binding visitation, custody agreement. Then abide by it

WHERE IS THE LEGAL BATTLE?

She can't tell him he can't see his child. She can't tell him who he can have HIS child around, when said child is in his care. She can't tell him squat. Just as he can't tell her that her Uncle Joe can't be with that child. GEESH. He has just as much right to that child as she does. What battle is he talking about.

Truthfully, if he is the father, she will fast realize that she is not as in control as she may think. The courts really don't care if she was some scorned ow. You AND HE will be quite surprised how angry the judges get when they see ow trying to use the child as pawn. They see it everyday and hate their time being wasted on such foolery.

You need to sit down and really think this out. Then it needs to be discussed, all angles looked at and decided upon. If not, then what is the point of staying married? If you are truly only having contact to appease him, that will build resentment inside of you. Couple that with some half baked, scheme put together without proper legal advice and little or no court involvement and this spells disaster. You will be at her mercy. You or your husband will tick her off and she will withold the child from him. And soon, she will be controlling your life. Your husband, afraid of a legal battle, will cow-tow to her and where does that leave you? Are you willing to sit back and let her control that?

She will tell your husband that if you are around that child, he can't have him. So soon he will only be able to be playing happy family at her house, without you. If you object, then what? Are YOU going to be seen as being unreasonable?

THIS HAS TO BE DONE LEGALLY.

As for your marriage, right now. Please call the Harleys are find a qualified counselor. She can not be controlling your marriage.

The nerve of him to worry about upsetting her.

What on earth does she need to call him for anyway? Pregnancy support? He isn't HER husband, he is yours. If she wanted a man to be by her side, then she shouldn't have gotten knocked up by a man who is unavailable to do so.

BE STRONG HONEY. But above all, do not let this tail wag the dog.

I hate to sound so harsh, but I do truly care about you and how this affects you. Please talk to him about this and stay in touch. There are lots of BW on here, who have been there, done that, and every single one of them will care about you!!

Oh, AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY......you have done nothing wrong. Shouldn't HE feel guilty here?????

Peace

Ditto to LynneG's comments.

wanted to add....

if you sacrifice your needs in order to avoid conflict with your husband ... you are training him to treat you with disrespect.

please don't do that

sacrifice kills marriage happiness

marriage decisions must be made where neither partner sacrifices and both partners enthusiastically agree with the decision

this is called POJA (Policy Of Joint Agreement) .... please read up about this on the site's concepts pages

you guys are so right, it is all things that i have said to him, i just don't think it always sinks in, he just doesn't seem to get it. he sees it as hes doing all the right things now, for me, why do i let her get to me, if hes not going to be with her. he just expects me to move right along. i can't!

sometimes i wish i was a strong enough person to just cut it all loose, walk away and never turn back, but i have my d that would require me to maintain contact with him and the emotions would just never go away. i love him, and i do want things to work out, i just think or wonder if i will ever truly be able to "get over it". why did he have to be so stupid? i know, questions that no one will ever have the answers to. i could just choke him, he ruined everything that we have worked our entire life for, and i can't seem to look at it any other way. i dont know how.

And another thing...why do so many OW's seem to get pregnant? Doesn't anyone believe in birth control anymore? And why do the wayward husbands not use protection? Do you betrayed wives go get tested for STD's and HIV?

Do these WH's WANT to get caught?

texas, it is the nature of the affair. it is all about being in fantasyland and we all know nothing bad happens in a fantasyland.

yeah right! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I can relate with what you posted. I only wish I had found this site sooner. It is hard trying get things back to normal..my H just the other night said he would love for things to be the way they used to be. I just looked at him and said they will never be the same. I know he regrets what has happen but you can not change the past. I feel like if I am here with him I need to accept what he has done and move on. It IS hard as ****** to do this. What reading I have done says that most marriages get stonger after something like this happens. I am in the process of trying to see if that is true. I have you all in my prayers.

jmims,

but he is not doing all ther right things for you if he is still having contact with her, platonic or otherwise, is he?

sorry sweety, i just see you heading down the same path that i did and i wouldnt wish that on anyone. you need to find your voice and then use it. he doesnt listen at the moment becuase he doesnt see a consequence to his behavior. he can shrug and tell you that he really wants you and every thing he is doing for the ow is really for the baby.

you have got to make him realise that the contact he is having with xOW is negating all the work he is putting into rebuilding your marriage.

hugs to you.

Carolyn

the ow in my case was on birth control, says my h. funny to me that it worked for a year, then suddenly failed when he was getting ready to leave her.

i to have read the books that say it only makes you stronger, and builds a better relationship if you can stick it out long enough. i too keep waiting for that to begin.

he may not be doing everything right, but i do see him trying, i see the changing that has taken place, i made it ok for the contact to remain as long as it did, but i just couldn't sit back and ignore her any longer, i had enough. i don't think he ever purposely led her on, but i try to make him understand that letting her do it was leading her on. i think she was/is still holding onto that hope that she was/is important to him. after i had my fit, he stood up to her, that is when she became so mad. she was still willing to talk things out with him, after our tiff, until he backed what i said, then she was p***** and it suddenly became no more contact. she says he hurts and disrespects her, what the heck does she think he, and she, done to me for a year! its like she feels she deserves better than i do, when he's been mine for 14 yrs. i just don't get it, i guess i never will cause i sure ain't on the same level as her. i could never do something so hurtful to another human being, not on purpose.

okay, enough of my rambling.

i try everyday to pick my head up and keep moving forward. maybe if she really does leave us alone i can continue that process. she seemed to knock me down almost everytime she had contact. when it was reasonable, i could deal with it, but all the games she played, it is unreal, and she is nothing compared to some that i've seen talked about on here. i guess in some way it gave me hope that "we" really could "all" get along, but i just couldn't take it anymore.

let's hold our heads high and keep smiling, God will get us through this, i have faith.

We will get through this because we are all strong women. In my opinion you should not feel quilty about anything. Just like you posted the ow was not thinking of you or how this would effect you while the A was going on. I feel that way too.

This BW went for HIV and STD testing! The one thing about a pregnant OW is that you know for sure that "safer sex" wasn't practiced!!!

"...oh,uh, well, uh, i used a condom most of the time....."

(This from a man who years ago stated that he would never wear a "raincoat" (condom) when he was taking a "shower"! Well this little "shower" turned into a Baby Shower! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)

yes, that is the first thing i done, because my h certainly didn't take any precautions. i certainly hope that every BW would atleast think about themselves when it comes to that, because our h's certainly wasn't.

Also according to Harley a few things need to happen:

1.a. WS needs to take full responsibility for the affair. He needs to tell you how and why it happened. He cannot blame you in any way for his affair ... that just means he doesn't get it yet. Stop here and go no further. He is not ready for reconciliation yet. (You shouldn't tell him he is not ready yet. You can tell him though that you did not tell him, force him, or give him permission to have an affair and that you will in no way take responsibility for it.)

1.b. He needs to disclose all the details, the wheres , whens, hows, and whys that you need to know to find closure. He has to be willing to answer all your questions as often as needed.

2. He needs to fully acknowledge the depth and scope of the pain he has caused you. You have to really feel that he "gets" it and in truly remorseful.

3. he needs to be willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe. ( this is where the NC letter and extraordinary precautions for NC come in.)

4. You need to agree on a plan for recovery.

this is from a thread on GQII ... I thought you may need this short but sweet list ... the person who posted this counseled with one of the Harleys ... so this is straight from the "horse's mouth" so to speak.