This is my first post, I'm sorry if I'm rambling. I have read through the Basic Concepts and am halfway through reading How to survive Infidelity. I am the Wayward Spouse. My husband found this website and we believe the concepts here will save our marriage. I have cut off all contact with the other person and also cut off contact with someone who was enabling the situation.

I've had a lot of questions, and this site and the forums have helped me answer most of them. However, the one thing I haven't found addressed is this: What do I say to family and friends that know?

When my husband found out about the affair he told his family and 2 close friends. What do I say to them? anything? Do I owe them explanations? apologies? My birthday is tomorrow, I'm sure we'll see his folks. And then with the holidays coming up...

Can anyone help me with this?

Buckeyegirl;

I normally make it a rule not to speak with buckeye's seeing as I live in Michigan and went to Indiana University, however I will oblige you as long as you address me as THE Mr. Wondering (to those not in the know the name of the school is not Ohio State University...it is "THE" Ohio State University...even though it is really a junior college) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

My wife posts here also (under this name) and I will ask her what she thinks. In my opinion, the embarrasment will fade as your marriage improves. This difficult time can actually pull you two closer together. It's you and your man against the world now as it always should have been. His family and friends just want to see him happy and seeing as they are his family and friends maybe he should be the one to address the situation with them beforehand. Make sure they know how he feels about the reconciling marriage and the fact that you are repentent to him.

Use this opportunity to practice your POJA skills to brainstorm how to handle the situation. Should you apologize to them? Should you ignore the situation? Should you have a whole discussion seeking marital advice? Who should shut down unwanted marital advice that may be forced upon you? How should it be shut down?

THE Mr. Wondering

BTW- Welcome to marriage builders. You found the right place. A little background information may help. Not cause we need it to answer your specific question but so the individuals here can relate their own stories to yours more precisely. I mean if you are 50 I don't think the inlaws situation would be quite as bad as say a 25 year old.

Also, there are plenty of WS here. They may be around shortly.

THE Mr. Wondering

At the risk of a threadjack, Mr. Dubya, that quite possibly is the funniest thing that you have said here. This coming from an alum of THE OSU (Ok State) that had to watch his Cowboys get the crap kicked out them by THE Ohio State Buckeyes last year in the Alamo Bowl. I was very near a prolapse myself after reading this and thought I might have to go see Dr. Lem.


Good advice and very well said. I should have expected no less from you than to find a way to strengthen the MB skills through this uncomfortable situation.

Ms. Buckeye, remember that the most important thing is how that you and your husband handle the situation long term. If you and him are able to work through these issues and probably even make your M stronger and more fulfilling than ever before, it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. However, I can understand how uncomfortable the first meeting will be for you and H. It will be just as uncomfortable for them. If you and your H are united on this front I would expect that those who know will respect you both and not chime in. However, if they see some discontent with him, they will be more likely to "protect" him and could offer some very unwanted and possibly bad marriage counseling advice. POJA to determine approach for all possible scenarios and then stick together.

Thank you both for the advice. He's still catching up with the basic concepts, but I'll bring up the POJA to him and also your advice.

BTW, we are in our late 30's, have been married 8 1/2 years and together for 10 as of next week. I have a 14 year old son from a previous marriage. Is there a particular place where I can sort of introduce myself and tell my story when I'm ready?

So we are the same age which makes me a little more comfortable giving advice. I have not spoken with my wife yet about your situation; but, she did not have to "face" my family as I had fortunately kept them in the dark. My wife's immediate family knows but they were very supportive of me and against the affair so I have no reservations about them.

I hope you are no longer upset your husband talked to his family...I know this can be a lingering resentment of a WS...IMO (in my opinion) he did what he felt he had to do at that time. I know myself I felt very isolated during my wife's affair. As I was not going to tell my family...I relied on only a handfull of friends...however, without my best friend (Mrs. Wondering) I really felt completely alone with my obsessive thoughts about the "affair" situation. It may have been a mistake he regrets (I know you regret it) however you both have probably made a lot of mistakes lately. This is now your (you and your husband's) cross to bear and you can trust that God will not place more on you than you can handle.

Are you a Christian??? This is a non-secular site (MB is designed to work for everybody) but there are an abundance of strong Christian's as well as other religions that post here often to offer you specifically taylored guidance. You are not required to share your beliefs with me or anybody...I do not want to run you off if you are not. In fact, many WS find themselves without their religious beliefs after their affairs as that is a symptom/consequence often resulting from the basic nature of affairs. But whatever your beliefs are they can be a comfort in this difficult recovery road you and your husband are travelling.

I hope you will share your story here soon. My wife actually posted here first as I had only lurked during the affair. We started posting and reading together as a healthy way for us to discuss our marital problems pre & post affair in the third person. In other words, the discussion herein and our disucssions about others conditions/situations enabled her to break out of the fog, me to stop conflict avoiding and be a better husband and us to recover faster than many I see here. We still have work to do as I am sure you do as well. This place is wonderful and we would welcome any issue/situation you (or your husband) would wish to discuss.

If you stick around I will warn you there are a few more BS's here than WS's. The BS's here, like myself, may not always be as patient, nice and/or understanding with you as say a former WS. That does not mean we do not care. We are here specifically because MB helped us either restore our marriages after the devastating effects of an affair or others to get on with their lives after a marriage that ended after infidelity. Either way and no matter how the message is delivered we are all trying to be supportive. My wife took offense a couple of times in the early days only to look back later and understand how supportive the responses really were. So I hope you stick around and share your story.

BTW - Do you think your husband's family will want to sit and discuss the situation or do you fear they will just smile in quiet judgment? The more you share the more likely someone with a similiar story will relate a telling story detailing the exact situation. I am a BS and male...so I can not begin to understand what your fear may feel like. This place gets slower on the weekends so be patient for responses but this board is the most active on the site.

THE Mr. Wondering

P.S.- Happy Birthday ... What did he get you??????

Surprisingly, I'm not upset that he spoke with close friends and family. He hadn't told me yet that he'd found out and so I'm sure he felt very alone and probably lost and extremely confused and hurt. He couldn't bear the weight alone and needed support.



I've tried really hard not to think about what they will do or say. I can't even picture facing them. They love me as one of their own and my son as their own grandchild. To let them down like this... to have treated their son this way... I want to avoid getting into the nitty gritty with them. My husband and I know that we both made mistakes that got us into this situation and we want to learn from it and make our marriage work. I don't think they need to know much more than that except that we are happy and excited for our future.

I think I just answered my original question! Not, of course without your help, though! I thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have been the WS and the BS. If anyone brings it up, I would just thank them for being there for your H. Convey that you are taking responsibility for the A (that part about we both made mistakes, that kinda sounded like justification to me). Yes, you both made mistakes, but I wouldn't say that to his family or friends, that is his moral inventory to deal with.

I would just thank them for their support and tell them you are committed to fixing the damage you have done.

Lots of good advice here. As you can imagine, an affair doesn't just hurt the BS, but the immediate family. The immediate family grieves just as the BS does. In order to repair the damage, its probably a good idea to apologize to his parents, too. They were also put through ******, so a brief statement expressing your remorse and some assurance that you won't harm their son anymore would probably go a very long way. I have found that most family members are more than willing to forgive if they are treated properly and, most of all, assured that their son will be treated decently.

Something along the lines of: Thank you being there for BS when I was not. I know that I have made terrible mistakes that caused both you and H enormous grief and pain. Please know that I have come to my senses and am committed to making it up to him and repairing the damage done to our marriage. I am sorry for the pain my affair has caused you.

I would make sure they understand that you don't blame your H for your choice to have an affair.They need to hear that you know you are 100% responsible for your affair.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, BuckeyeGal.