Well, I have not posted here in some time. Some may remember me and some may not. I have re-read most of my old posts and wonder how I am still in basically the same place as I was. I really dont know why am posting other than to get some encouragement to do the hard part. I really need this to be from a Christian perspective because WH and I are both christians....
Short version..if there is one....WH met OW AFTER he had moved out. He moved out telling me he wasnt sure he loved me anymore and just couldnt live a lie. After he met her a couple of weeks after and well things went downhill. WH has seemed to come out of his fog a few times and wanted to fix us. Has tried to establish NC with OW and he has failed each time. He has been in and out of the house at least 6 times since Christmas. This last time, about a month ago, I guess he found some things out about her, said it was over with her, wanted to fix things with us. I let him come home, he never totally cut the R off and yesterday didnt come home from work. I told him on Monday that if he was going to continue to have R with her, he could no longer live at home. Wants to come get his things.
WH maintains that he does not love me. He loves her. That he has not loved me in a very long time, if ever. If I have read it here, he has said it all. He does not hold out hope that he could ever love me if he hasnt been able to in 22 years. Though he will say that I have been trying and I have made some changes with myself that he appreciates. But WH was a godly man when I met him and he has been all our married life. But a few years ago, things have happened and his faith has started to die. He is not the same as he used to be. Though each and every time he as come home he has stated he wants to do the right thing and he wants to be right with God.
He said in last email,"I still love OW and I can't change nor do I really want to change that. I just know that I should. But I can't, I guess I'm too weak."
It hurts me so much to hear how much he loves her and cares very little for me. That he doesnt love me THAT way. Why do I want to live with somebody who might not ever love me? I dont know why. I still love him. I know that it is right to stay married.
I guess what I am asking is there still a chance he could change his mind? Or has this gone on too long? Have I let it go so long that there is no hope?

Thank you all in advance

Katie

((((Katie)))) I'm so sorry you are gong through this. How sad for you. I know lots of us will be praying for you.

Are you seeing a Christian counselor? Is your husband seeing one? That would be my best suggestion. Even if won't go, please go if you can.

God bless you
p

Katiegirl - are you 100% certain that your WH met OW after he moved out because that was the same line I got fed and I later found out they'd known each other a long time? My WH also left, came back, left, came back, left came back, loved me but not in love with me, hadn't cared about me for years blah blah blah. It's like someone gave them a script. After 4 times of his coming and going, when I discovered they were still in contact, I asked to separate. We are not an MB success story and are heading towards D. As for the Christian perspective, he became so unchristian in his words and actions that I really didn't like him.

I'm sure there is hope but the very first thing I would suggest is when he comes to collect his clothes, do not be there. Have his bag packed with his Plan B letter in the hallway - ready to go. Let him see you are prepared for life without him and you are tough enough to deal with it. So far he has been able to have the best of both worlds and thinks you'll be there again when he has his first argument with OW. If you're brave enough, change the locks. It's gone on for such a long time. You have got to take positive action.

MF, We saw a christian councilor once earlier this year. He only went because I asked him. Our finances will not allow us to see a marriage councilor but insurance will cover some individual counciling. WH doesnt hold any stock in counciling, doesnt see the point. He is on two different AD's for supposed bipolar. Not sure he is, but that is what one shrink told him.

TT, I know for a fact he didnt meet her till after he left home. That has been brought up before, but I know he didnt.
I did change the locks, but then he came home and I gave him a new one.

I am just going to let him come and get his stuff, have as little to do with him as possible until we get a few things taken care of. Then I think I will do the plan b. I did seriously consider loading my daughter and me and what we could carry in my car, and moving to a new state where a girlfriend lives and start over there for now. I dont know if I have the courage to do that.
We'll see I guess.

What if everything he says is true? What if he really does love her and he has never loved me in that way? I have read here so much and have believed for a long time that MB was right..that it is a fog and they are not thinking clearly. But what if it is not so in this case?
I love him so much. He is my best friend or used to be. Now he confides everything in her. I try and remember that I cant force him to love me. That it has to be his choice. For months now I have wanted to make him feel guilty for what he has done and is doing to our family. I think guilt is the only reasons he has come back before. I know it is wrong but didnt seem to be able to help myself.
Now, even though it is very, very hard, I dont want him to be with me out of guilt. I want him to choose me. He told me on Monday that I didnt deserve this. I finally spoke up for myself. I told him no I didnt. I deserved somebody who was going to love me, honor me and respect me. His response was..Where did that go? That he hasnt felt that in a very long time. I agreed with him.
And after all this....I still love him even though I know that I tend to excuse him and place all blame on her. It hurts to know that he made the choice to have an affair. Though he does say when he left me in the beginning, he was done with me and our marriage. That is what he told OW and that the A just happened. But what about all the other times when he came home and continued? I know he chose to continue. That hurts. How can I still love somebody who would do something so hurtful?

We couldn't afford a 'real' counselor, either, but the lay pastor of our little tiny church has done a great job helping us get things on the right track, and doesn't charge anything. I imagine most, if not all pastors would be free, though you might have to shop around a bit to find one you feel will work for you, i.e. pro-marriage and open to MB concepts.

We have seen out pastor once. But WH didnt want to continue. Only went for me. Said he knows what they are all going to say so there was no point in going. He knows he is wrong and he knows what the bible says and he knows what is right. He just doesnt want to do it. He graduated from a christian school and spent time living with the pastor and his family. The man knows what is right. He just doesnt want to do it, or says he doesnt seem to be able to do it.

Katiegirl -

I think a STRONG Plan B is in order. My WH has said many of the same things yours has. He knows the A is wrong, but he can't stop it. It is an addiction. Your WH needs to see that OW cannot fulfill all of his needs. He needs to get knocked out of the fantasy land that he is living in. He sees that he can go back and forth between the two of you. Why should he stop this?

What would he think if you did a strong Plan B? It would show him you truly do have boundaries. And don't let him back until he agrees to show you through his actions that the A is over. Not just by words.

Kim

I am working on Plan B but dang its hard. And I have such a hard time saying no to him. I think he knows that. I can be tough sometimes with others....but with him, I cave. I guess in my patheticness, any contact is something for me. I guess I am afraid of plan B. That if I remove myself from his life altogether, he wont miss a thing. I guess I have to battle my own fears and insecurities before I can do this.

Katiegirl -

You are worth Plan B. Do you have a friend that could act as the go between so you don't have to speak with him? Believe me, I didn't think I could do a Plan B either. But aren't you tired of the pain and the drama of the A? It's your H that you want in your life, not your WH.

Hey, maybe the WH will never come around. Plan B gives you Recovery. With or without your H.

"What would you do if you were not afraid?" - bobpure

You can't do a halfway good Plan B. It has to be a GOOD PLAN B. Otherwise, it's just not effective

Kim

I am just afraid. I dont have any friends here. I do have family but we are all sort of estranged since all this began.
I'm sorry.. I cant talk about this anymore tonight.

Thanks Kim

katie