Have any of you set it straight with the OW? Did it really make you feel better? Does it even matter?!

I recently found that my husband is in contact with the woman that he cheated on me with four years ago. At that time we separated for nine months and reconciled. He claims this contact has only been recent and 'innocent.'

I don't care - I told him to leave the house and he did. I am seeing an attorney and ready to proceed with divorce.

For me to stay in the marriage is to ACCEPT his massive lies. I can't do it anymore. He lies about anything that makes him look better and has many, many people fooled. I can't live this way anymore.

I am confident that he has lied to this woman, as well, telling her that *I* cheated on him and sold her a sad story - just like he did four years ago. (She isn't too smart if she is dealing with him again.) I am fighting the incredible urge to contact her and set it straight. It is driving me crazy that she thinks she 'won' and that *I* cheated, which is why he left.

I go between feeling very sad that I'm in this place again, angry that he is such a moron, and disappointed in him.

neverseemercy, you and I are in similar situations, except that I'm only seven months out from D-day and I'm not quite ready yet to give up and proceed with divorce. I have also heard that his contact with OW has been recent and "innocent". And like you, I don't care what was "innocent". I also don't care what lies he told her, or even what lies she told him. Sadness is not even close to what I feel. I talked with OW's STBXH last weekend and even though they are divorcing, HE even felt like this recent contact was yet another betrayal. There is no relief for a BS...

No real advice, just a little comraderie. One question, though, what did you mean when you asked "Have any of you set it straight with the OW? Did it really make you feel better? Does it even matter?!" Do you hold out any hope that your marriage CAN be reconciled? Did you two get any MC after the A was revealed? Was your marriage ever truly what either of you wanted it to be? If not, then I don't see why "setting things straight" would hold any interest for you at all.
Just wondering...

I am not in quite the same position, being still trying to break contact for the first time, but I have suspected him of an A in the past. I have been wondering the same thing about setting things straight with OW('s). I think it is about closure, about finding out the truth so you can go on with your life knowing what happened to your marriage. Its like it will all somehow make sense if you know.

Again, no real advice, just relating. Maybe someone else has the answers.

Welcome to MB, NSMC. Sorry you find yourself here; it's the place none of us ever want to need... But there's help and good advice to be found here.

About contacting the OW - all advice would be to avoid this. The OW is often in even more of a 'fog' than the WH, and would interpret your contact as evidence that you are the psycho wife you've been portayed as by the WH. The chances of 'setting her straight' are small, and would leave you feeling even more frustrated.

Anyway, what she thinks of you is irrelevant. It's up to her to judge the 'truths' of a philandering man. If she believes him, she's pretty stupid, don't you think? And what a stupid woman thinks of you doesn't matter. Let's face it, even if you 'see her off', he could just find another one, couldn't he?

You say he lies and has many people fooled. Could you tell us some more about that?

As a matter of interest, do you know if your H posts here already?

TA

I was wondering the same thing ....

Why do you care what this immoral person with no sense of personal values, thinks of you? I understand the desire to set the record straight, but the divorce papers will serve to do that is you chose to pursue the D.

I do understand the desire to get the record straight. My WH is visiting his sisters this weekend and I hate thinking of all the crap he is feeding her to justify his A. But, there are just some things I have to let go.

I have spoken to the OW in my situation twice, once, asking her to stay away and respect my children's family, and the second time, getting her legal name for the adultery charge. Speaking to her was much like speaking to a toddler (but english is not her first language, she and WH speak in the language of love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />).

Read the recent thread about "email from OW", that is the crap you are likely to hear from OW. It doesn't make any sense nor does it make any difference.

I don't worry about what people think of me when I have no respect for them. Their perception of me has no bearing on anything.

neverseemecry, I am so sorry you are back here. Were I in your shoes, I would do exactly what you are doing. A 2nd affair would be a deal breaker for me. I would have no interest in my H if there were an reoccurance. He would be kicked to the curb in warp speed.

I have a slighly different take on contacting the OW. Granted, she is probably just as fogged out as your H, but I would contact her anyway just to set your H's lies straight. The OW in my H's affair, dumped my H the very day I called her and informed her that my H was lying to her. And she is AMORAL and hasn't the slightest knowledege of right and wrong. She is a pig. You will probably get no satisfaction from it, and it will acheive nothing, but it can't hurt anything either.

And I wholeheartedly agree with Jean, though, I could care less what a sleazebag thinks of me. Their approval means nothing to me.

Thanks all of you for your words. I really appreciate it. It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not alone.

CamoKnightsWife – I do not hold ANY hope that my marriage can be reconciled. Not after what happened four years ago and all of the things up to now. My spouse is a pathological liar who will lie about what he ate for breakfast if it makes him look better! He is like my fourth child – I am the one who makes sure everything is taken care of because he is completely unreliable and irresponsible. It doesn’t matter to him that the bills go unpaid or that the car needs an oil change. He agreed to MC when we reconciled back then but we only made it to three or four sessions. He doesn’t believe in MC and it isn’t something that I would be willing to do now. I have the feeling to ‘set her straight’ because I think somehow she thinks she has ‘won’ and I want her to know she really hasn’t….

getting_there – That’s the exact thing – I do KNOW the truth. He is a liar and a manipulator who uses my kindness and my desire to believe him against me.

TogetherAlone and Pepperband – Oh, does he lie! Where do I start… He has ‘killed’ his father several times when it suited him to be off from jobs. He lies to his business partner about different areas of the business. He lies about money – how much, where spent, on what. He really just suffers from extremely low self esteem, which is why he must put on this front of being greater than he is. He is involved in the religious community from working on committees for the poor to technological work. So, he really thinks he’s a great guy – he just better not have any of those people ask me how he treats me! No, he wouldn’t post here… remember, he’s in complete denial and never feels he is in the wrong. He doesn’t need help.

Jean36 – You are right – When I spoke to OW four years ago, she apologize, told me she didn’t know he was still married and said she wanted nothing to do with him. One week later, they were back together. I know what I would say to her wouldn’t make a difference and that is what I have to keep remembering. It might feel good in that moment but once I walk away from the conversation, I know I would have lost some integrity.

MelodyLane – My satisfaction would be short-lived, I know that!

If you are done, it might do well to think of this little saying.

"The best revenge against the woman that stole your husband, is to let her have him". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Jean! I'm going to program that into my phone so I can see it as a reminder! LOL