I've been married for about six months and my wife has been acting different lately. My
gut feeling is she's cheating! She's told me she needs her space and wants to go out at
least twice a week. ABout a month ago I discovered she subscribed to an online dating
service and had 8 male friends--almost all live in this area. She immediately deleted the
profile when I confronted her, but she never once apologized. i asked her about the men
(8 of them) she had listed as friends and her reply, "I really don't know any of them , which
turned out to be more than one). She told me she confided in this guy and told him how
unhappy she is in our marriage. This week alone has been a difficult one for me for these
reasons:

1. She went out for a few hours earlier this week and came back 6 hours later, close to
2am. And this happened after she called in sick to work...too sick to work, but felt good
enough to party.

2. Yesterday she basically went to work in her work clothes but changed into regular
clothes after she "went to work only to find out I'm not on the schedule..." She tried telling
me she actually came home after finding this out and changed while I was sleeping, but
her voicemail time was WAY off. Then she had an excuse that she went to work in jeans
and just brought her work clothes because she was stopping by the mall before work --
way out of her way. She then disappeared for 5-6 hours and didn't return any of my calls.
All I got was, "I didn't want to talk to nobody today..."

3. Tonight she went out of town to hang out with friends whom I've never met. She said
they're from work and when I asked for an alternate contact number incase I can't reach
her cell, I never got an answer back. I'm watching her son tonight along with my
kids...basically doing the babysitter thing :-) And she's staying overnight -- she just
called and said, "I guess I'll see you sometime tomorrow."

All that aside, I've been paying attention to her internet usage. One day she spent 16
hours online lol!!! I mean...who the ****** can sit there all dang day?? Anyway, we argue a
****** of a lot about so many things (hides her cell phone, took her car keys back from me
and told me she needed to get a duplicate made, sleeps with her cell phone sometimes,
and the list goes on......................................

My family basically told me to run for the hills asap ... our marriage is only a few months
old. BTW...I met her on the net, paid her way out here, she barely works...just hangs out
and surfs the web. Can't discuss money issues without her spazzing out... Basically can't
discuss crap without her going nuts and then telling me she has to go out with friends to
take her mind off everything at home. She's said more than once that "I'm her PROBLEM"
because I ask too many questions on where she's been, etc. She seems to talk to everyone
but me, which is weird. I mean people I've never met know more about me and our
relationship lol.. :? :?

I'm at a loss right now!

Capt_s - Not to be cruel and unfeeling, but "you get what you pay for" seems to be operative here.




Your family probably knows you and your wife better than we do from the limited information you've provided, so I'd tend to go with their opinion.

On the offchance that you want to try to save this marriage, then you better "buckle up" for the long, hard, road ahead. Your wife, after a whopping 6 months of marriage, is out playing the "single girl" routing while you get to pay the bills and watch her child.....I'm betting I know why she wasn't married when you met her or that this is the first time she's resorted to a "pack of lies."

I am sorry you going through this because we all understand the pain of infidelity, but you "picked a wife" in a most unusual way...and it would seem her "acting" to snag you is over now that she has "got you."

Document, document, document. Hire a PI if you don't want to, or can't, do the "leg work" yourself, or she'll likely try to "take you" for all she can in divorce court too.

Thanks for the advice. I've thought about a PI, but the jury is still out on that one. You hit the nail on the head about paying the bills.

I've brought up finances several times and she just becomes so angry--as if I'm out in left field when I tell her how expensive it is to maintain a home.

As for this guy she talks to online...I asked about him and most of the time she answers my questions by asking me a question. I rarely get a "yes" or "no." Most of the time it seems to be, "what is your motive or agenda." Her canned answer when I ask about him or the guys online is this: "if something were to happen, it would have already happened."

And today she actually sat in front of me and said, "if I want something I go after it, married or not married. It's up to the guy to make a decision if he wants to leave his wife for me ..." I about got sick to my stomach when I heard that.

I can go on and on, but asking her questions seems to get nowhere fast. She ends up asking me a dozen questions about my questions and never answers lol! I feel as if I'm talking to someone half my age ...

Capt - There's not enough information about you and your wife (i.e., ages, children, prior marriages, belief in God, how you met, how long you dated, etc.) to be able to offer much advice.

From what you HAVE posted, your wife is at best a major "flirt" (which is NOT how you honor marriage vows to "forsake" all others) or she IS having at least ONE affair, and possibly many "One night stands." Your wife does not sound like the type that would get into a Class 2 affair because that involves emotional commitment, and your wife seems to be a "user" of men to satisfy what she thinks she needs "for the moment."

Suffice it to say, she has NO clue about what being married is all about, and much less about about any Godly role for a wife. Her attitude reeks of selfishness and self-centeredness and to heck with everyone else. It seems certain that she sees her child as a "burden" and not a "gift from God," so if she "palm off" HER parental responsibilities on "Mr. Niceguy (but a sucker)," she will....and has.

You sound like a very nice man, but you also sound as though you have a very poor understanding of what STANDARDS and BOUNDARIES are. So you might want to research those a bit because YOU are going to have to take a stand at some point and you better be firmly grounded in "how you will allow yourself to behave TOWARD others" and "what (and why) you won't allow others to DO certain things TO you (and what the consequences of violating your Boundaries will be)."

"It's up to the guy to make a decision if he wants to leave his wife for me ..." "

She just told you how it's going to "BE" in your marriage to her. SHE is "in control" and can do whatever she wants to do whether or not it is "right or wrong." It's all about HER. All you can do is to decide if "her beauty" is enough, even though it's only "skin deep," so that you will toss out your own dignity and grovel at her feet....allowing her to do whatever she wants just so she will "keep you around."

Time to straighten up and strengthen that backbone, don't you think?

Get a PI and get the documentation, because I really think you are being set up to be "taken to the cleaners" by a very selfish, self-centered, woman.

What is a Class 2 affair? I'm new to this forum and still trying to figure out the acronyms in the signature blocks.

I do need to straighten and strenghten up, though. Good observation!

Get the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and it will explain in detail what are Class I, II, and III affairs, and how to rebuild a marriage in each case.

Essentially though, a Class II affair is one in which the person becomes emotionally attached to the person and develops "feelings" for them. They develop over time and very often involve co-workers or people they were "close to" in the past or in some other area of life where they have frequent contact (i.e. working out at the gym).

One word comes to mind: RUN.

Capt s,

Sorry you are here.

No matter what you decide to do you must protect your backside. Seek legal assistance now to find out the laws in your state. I hope you are not in a community property state but even if you are ask your attorney about fraud.

If I were you I'd get do an on-line background check on her to see what her history shows. After you do enough snooping and confirm your suspicions, an exposure call to her mom, dad, ex-husband will also perhaps give you more information about her background. Is she on prescription drugs??? Any mental issues???

I'd also make certain that she did not have the opportunity to ruin me and my/our kids financial security. Cancel any joint credit cards and remove all monies from joint accounts. Even if you attempt to salvage the marriage she will need to be placed on a strict budget and account for her spending.

BTW - yes, I believe she is having at least one affair. All the signs are there. If you want the proof purchase a Voice Activated DIGITAL (not cassette tape) recorder with cash from Radio Shack or Wallmart. Hide the recorder in her car up and under the passenger seat. Be prepared to hear some bad stuff. As this may be illegal in your state (questionable as I presume you probably have title to her car) I would make certain you do not get caught. But even if you do deny, deny, deny it is your recorder. If she ever attempted to "turn you in" merely claim she taped herself to set you up. Other snooping options include key logger programs, P.I.'s, etc..

Remain calm and come back here to discuss your plan. Do not expose your knowledge to your wife until you discuss it here. You have a family to protect so keep your emotions in check until you are certain of the correct course of action.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- You must set up an appointment with a competent divorce attorney on Monday.

Why don't you put spyware on your computer and find out what she is doing? In addition to putting a recorder in her car?

Forever... and Melody... are right.

We don't know alot about your situation.

Do check out Acronyms.
... also the General Welcome(links there a bit outdated).

...your marriage could be a sham...
...it's something you need to find out... and quickly.

Other's don't believe in it...
...but I recommend keylogger software...
check out a recent post on Keylogger Software.

NSR

I just read on his original "other Topics" thread that his wife has "locked" him out of her computer. Does that mean she has locked you out of her on-line service by changing her password or, as I presume, has she completely password protected her/your computer????

If locked out completely, he will need have to remotely email in the key logger virus and hope her spyware program does not catch it. It is a longshot but maybe with the recorder she will vocalize her password to one or more of her OM's and he can get in that way. If he does go the route of divorce and she tries to take him for what she can I think he may need the information in there to prove her conduct.

Capt s...did you make printouts of any of the information you've already discovered????

yes...good, hide it well to protect yourself and your family, and don't worry so much about the computer.

No...continue trying to get in...even remotely accessing her email account and copying the old emails. Make journal entries today of what you remember you found in her computer.

Journaling...a handwritten diary of the events in you marital situation that, if need be, are admissible in court and will assist you with chronologically "proving" the events in your marriage. It by far surpasses, his word vs. her word. A journal also helps you control your no doubt obsessive thoughts right now as you watch what you believe to be your life going down the toilet. It will be O.K., you will make it, with or without your wife ...YOU WILL MAKE IT. The journal will begin today at rock bottom and you will watch your progress over the next few weeks, months, year and be amazed as YOU begin to put your life back in order. Entry number one...I WILL MAKE IT.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

What does your wife have to do!!! Have sex with someone right in front of you??? You obviously see whats going on....at this point all that happens from here on out is up to you.

You obviously are a man who wants to save/rebuild your marriage and you are to be commended for that. But you must realize that not all marriages can and should be saved, especially the ones where there is a such a serious issue to begin with. A marriage that starts out so soon with such gross and flagrant disrespect is likely to be a doomed one from the get go. I say this because there is not enough marital history between the two of you where it could be argued that neglect on your part and not meeting her most important EN [emotional needs] played a significant role in creating the marital environment where your W became vulnerable to an affair. I advice you to seriously consider going to a pro-marriage counseling professional, state the facts surrounding your case and base your final decision regarding the fate of your marriage, on what he/she beleives the future viability of your marriage truly is. Good luck.

TMCM