hile my W, a SAHM, didn't have your typical A, she also suffers from severe depression and has had several breakdowns over our 10+ year marriage. The last breakdown was prefaced with her telling me of an "incident" that occured between her and an old friend (not sure what they were in the past) while we we heading to another city for our anniv. I got held back a day and she went out without me and she met up with the OM for lunch and dinner... and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!? Boy, were we both grossly naive. How could that not have happened after she had had 10+ years of unresolved emotions for this person? This was an EA more than a PA but during that trip, it became a PA..just one incident and you would not believe how our lives have changed.
Anyway, on the day she told me of the A (9 months later), she suffered severe paranoia (it had been brewing for months) and I took her to hosp. only to leave the same day with her being somewhat ok. Her MD gave her ADs, then took herself off (BAD MOVE) and then, while I'm still trying to recover from the A, and only a few weeks afterwards, she has another very serious breakdown that lands her in a psych clinic for 4 days. Are you feeling my pain yet? 4 days in the hosp., I've got (3) kids and an executive-level position to maintain and all for what? The A or her depression?? Someone please tell me which it is! PLEASE! If it's for the Depression, then I'm there.. in sickness and in health, right.. but did she funk herself over withdrawal from the OM? He that ****** really worth a 12 year marriage and the mental health of 3 beautiful children? I just need to know if he's in her head or her heart. If her heart, then I can't live with it. If her head, then I'm willing to help her with it, as painful as it is for me.
So my S gets out of hosp. and is now in therapy and on meds (probably AD for life) and things were fine for a few weeks and this week she's not sleeping and waking up at 2-3am each night, something that used to occur quite often but hasn't since she got out of the hosp. Following a therapy session, she calls me crying and tells me she's thinking about the OM and that regardless of what they were, she loved him,wanted to marry him, they were friends... blah, blah, blah.. and I'm like.. ok.. but now what? If you want to be with him, go be with him. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?? GO.. be happy.. just give me peace. I deserve peace. I've truly done nothing. She says it's not about me at all and that I deserve better. Is that the bad mind talking or her heart?
Now, here are my questions that I so desperately need answers to. We start couple therapy in two weeks and hopefully, this will all be worked through but I see that I can hit the masses with this forum. I'm hoping there are some succcess stories out there that deal with Depression and A and EA and PA..
1) Does she get a pass for the A, be it a one time PA plus a EA of longing for the entire marriage, all because she has probably been depressed her entire life and had a really messed up childhood? She says she loves me and doesn't see a life without me but should I stand for her keeping the OM in her heart? or.. he he just a symbol of some kind that she needs to hold on to, part of her deluision/depression? Does anyone actually ever have someone's heart 100%? Am I asking for too much?
2) I'm not sure if my recent needs for affection were always there but I feel as if we're not affectionate except for sex, which ironically, both of us would say was ALWAYS great up until recently. Go figure. Could be the meds or she still harbors some guilt over the whole thing, but now she can't reach orgasm, something she did 100% of the time for the entire time I've know her. Punishing herself? I think she thinks God is.. .
3) After all this, she still wrestles with lost hopes, lost dreams and with this "connection" to the OM. Mind you she tells me that they NEVER actually had sex (he's impotent or something) and that the A/incident was only oral (him to her). Not that the details matter, but sex is sex right? And cheating is cheating. She also tells me that she wanted it, to express herself, to feel good but never says how the OM felt about it? Does it matter? God, those words cut like a knife.. She wanted to express herself at the expense of a 12 year marriage and 3 small children? Is that absurd? Is that the Depression or the gross selfishness of an abused inner child. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?? Immaturity? Heart or Mind?
4) Is all this bad stuf simply a result of her carrying the guilt of the A AND the EA of 10+ years (not a true EA since they only started emailing and chatting a year prior to the PA) but I know for a fact that she had feelings unresolved for the entire marriage. A fact she doesn't deny. Is this guilt or depression or both? I also know that she has been depressed for most of her life. We both know that now. She says since childhood.
5) Should I stay married, if my needs for affection are not met and if she continues to harbor feelings for the OM, even if it may be delusional and part of her mental illness? Is that a cop out for what it really is? She loved him and he never loved her or it just didn't work out? Whatever. Can I make her not feel something? Would our marriage not be a lie if I stayed, if only for the kids? Could I spend 20+ years with her for the kids at the expense of my soul being ripped out in grief and sadness? Sshould I suck it up?
6) Will the kids suffer that much if we break nicely and they don't see anger and pain during the split ? God, they are all I feel for.. so innocent and so loving.. having to be witness to nervous breakdowns, arguments and shouting over infidelity.. and lack of affection.. they know something is wrong. Children FEEL things like animals feel a storm coming.. they are sensitve. I love them so much and they deserve so much more. I get so angry over that.
Anyway.. I know there's a lot here but I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone that has suffered with something as complicated as this.
An A with plus mental illness (depression) plus an EA, even if one-sided (her to him. He never called her) S gets mad when I say the EA was/is a delusion and a fantasy and merely represents a symbol of something in her, unresolved. An avoidant that she can't have.. Co-dependent since he suppposedly also suffered abuse of sorts as a child. I don't care what it is. She's married and you can't have both! I can't live with that. She must let him go or we can;t survive. How do I make her understand that I'm serious? Seperate? Let's see what comes out of the couples therapy. God, I hope the therapist is the right person for us... if not.. my life will change because of it.
I want my wife, I want my children and I want my family.. Is that too much to ask for? I feel so angry and hopeless sometimes.. I cry out of the blue and started having panic attacks after 12 years of remission. My life is 100% fine outside of this. Friends, works, life, God.. it's all good...
Please SHARE if you have life experience. I know someone has or is going through something similar. In this society, how could they not. Hopefully, they read this board.
Thanks and God bless all of you for your strength and courage. We are all here seeking help and recover for ourselves, ur unions and probably for our children.. a NOBLE cause indeed....
Thank you.
