hile my W, a SAHM, didn't have your typical A, she also suffers from severe depression and has had several breakdowns over our 10+ year marriage. The last breakdown was prefaced with her telling me of an "incident" that occured between her and an old friend (not sure what they were in the past) while we we heading to another city for our anniv. I got held back a day and she went out without me and she met up with the OM for lunch and dinner... and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!? Boy, were we both grossly naive. How could that not have happened after she had had 10+ years of unresolved emotions for this person? This was an EA more than a PA but during that trip, it became a PA..just one incident and you would not believe how our lives have changed.
It sounds like she just wanted emotional needs met and probably got "cold feet" about your anniversary trip together if she felt that her needs were not being met by you. Fear. It also sounds like she had mood-disorder issues already.
[/quote]Anyway, on the day she told me of the A (9 months later), she suffered severe paranoia (it had been brewing for months) and I took her to hosp. only to leave the same day with her being somewhat ok. Her MD gave her ADs, then took herself off (BAD MOVE) and then, while I'm still trying to recover from the A, and only a few weeks afterwards, she has another very serious breakdown that lands her in a psych clinic for 4 days. Are you feeling my pain yet? 4 days in the hosp., I've got (3) kids and an executive-level position to maintain and all for what? The A or her depression?? Someone please tell me which it is! PLEASE! If it's for the Depression, then I'm there.. in sickness and in health, right.. but did she funk herself over withdrawal from the OM? He that ****** really worth a 12 year marriage and the mental health of 3 beautiful children? I just need to know if he's in her head or her heart. If her heart, then I can't live with it. If her head, then I'm willing to help her with it, as painful as it is for me.[/quote]
I think she would have had this breakdown regardless of any feelings she may have pertaining to the OM. Realistically speaking, the OM would not support her "in sickness and in health." He was there for the fling and to satify his own "momentary" E needs, IMHO.
[/quote]So my S gets out of hosp. and is now in therapy and on meds (probably AD for life) and things were fine for a few weeks and this week she's not sleeping and waking up at 2-3am each night, something that used to occur quite often but hasn't since she got out of the hosp. Following a therapy session, she calls me crying and tells me she's thinking about the OM and that regardless of what they were, she loved him,wanted to marry him, they were friends... blah, blah, blah.. and I'm like.. ok.. but now what? If you want to be with him, go be with him. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?? GO.. be happy.. just give me peace. I deserve peace. I've truly done nothing. She says it's not about me at all and that I deserve better. Is that the bad mind talking or her heart?[/quote]
I suspect it is her mood-disorder speaking. Ask her to think about it as "real life" and see if she really believes this man loves her the way she "feels" like she loves him. Would he stand by her? Doubtful.
[/quote]Now, here are my questions that I so desperately need answers to. We start couple therapy in two weeks and hopefully, this will all be worked through but I see that I can hit the masses with this forum. I'm hoping there are some succcess stories out there that deal with Depression and A and EA and PA..[/quote]
That would be me. Major depression, emotional affair (me, no sex, but "believing" at the time that I loved this OM), same story as far as the breakdowns and hospitalizations along with my H carrying the entire load, AD's permanently, went off of AD's on my own once as well, H had SA with multiple women. Recently came to find out I have progressive neurological breakdown due to a head injury -- progressed, unknown, for 20 years. Yes, we are a success story and our couples therapy solved many/most of our problems, especially with communication & emotions about everything, so that we could move on and also address the other issues destroying the marriage.
[/quote]1) Does she get a pass for the A, be it a one time PA plus a EA of longing for the entire marriage, all because she has probably been depressed her entire life and had a really messed up childhood? She says she loves me and doesn't see a life without me but should I stand for her keeping the OM in her heart? or.. he he just a symbol of some kind that she needs to hold on to, part of her deluision/depression? Does anyone actually ever have someone's heart 100%? Am I asking for too much?[/quote]
I'd say he's just a symbol; based on her past issues and her present condition. I believe she will get over him; the counseling will certainly help sort that out. She does not feel good about herself so she has found something to hold onto inside her for reassurance. Although you may be there for her in this way, she needs it from the "outside" because she is not capable of meeting that need for herself which creates distance between the two of you.
[/quote]2) I'm not sure if my recent needs for affection were always there but I feel as if we're not affectionate except for sex, which ironically, both of us would say was ALWAYS great up until recently. Go figure. Could be the meds or she still harbors some guilt over the whole thing, but now she can't reach orgasm, something she did 100% of the time for the entire time I've know her. Punishing herself? I think she thinks God is.. .[/quote]
It is quite possible that she feels like a "nothing," a "nobody," etc. given her health problems. Also, loss of libido and/or the ability to reach orgasm is a side-effect of most anti-depressants. I lost interst as well, in my case, because "I wanted to" but could not reach orgasm ... only arousal, so that was very frustrating. At times, I could not get into the mood at all. Not to get too personal, but I realize my husband has needs so I "took care of him" in that way. Lubricant also helped take care of what "I couldn't."
[/quote]3) After all this, she still wrestles with lost hopes, lost dreams and with this "connection" to the OM. Mind you she tells me that they NEVER actually had sex (he's impotent or something) and that the A/incident was only oral (him to her). Not that the details matter, but sex is sex right? And cheating is cheating. She also tells me that she wanted it, to express herself, to feel good but never says how the OM felt about it? Does it matter? God, those words cut like a knife.. She wanted to express herself at the expense of a 12 year marriage and 3 small children? Is that absurd? Is that the Depression or the gross selfishness of an abused inner child. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?? Immaturity? Heart or Mind?[/quote]
It sounds like she is suffering very much and needed this off of her conscience; I would guess her reasoning is to be forgiven, loved, and accepted by you once again. I would also guess that she is desperately reaching out and you should watch carefully for suicidal tendencies. I agree, cheating is cheating, EA or otherwise; however, it does sound like she is willing to "own up" and take responsibility for it. The counseling will really help!
[/quote]4) Is all this bad stuf simply a result of her carrying the guilt of the A AND the EA of 10+ years (not a true EA since they only started emailing and chatting a year prior to the PA) but I know for a fact that she had feelings unresolved for the entire marriage. A fact she doesn't deny. Is this guilt or depression or both? I also know that she has been depressed for most of her life. We both know that now. She says since childhood.[/quote]
It is both. I suspect she will feel much better when the issues in/of the marriage are addressed and will be much better able to cope with the mood disorders. That was the case with me. My marriage was my core; my mate was my core; my need for him was my core. Until I felt like I was loved, supported, needed, desirable, and purposeful to my H ... I could not recover. I felt like I had no foundation to stand on, so what was the point?! Lost everything ... rather just die, etc., etc. To tired, hurting too much to "start over." So I, unfortunately, sunk so low that I attempted suicide before our problems got addressed. Which completely goes against my entire spiritual, moral, Christian belief system; I was truly sick.
[/quote]5) Should I stay married, if my needs for affection are not met and if she continues to harbor feelings for the OM, even if it may be delusional and part of her mental illness? Is that a cop out for what it really is? She loved him and he never loved her or it just didn't work out? Whatever. Can I make her not feel something? Would our marriage not be a lie if I stayed, if only for the kids? Could I spend 20+ years with her for the kids at the expense of my soul being ripped out in grief and sadness? Sshould I suck it up?[/quote]
I suggest you work together and consult about this with the counselor. Insist on consistent progress ... which may be slow, but make sure it's consistent.
[/quote]6) Will the kids suffer that much if we break nicely and they don't see anger and pain during the split ? God, they are all I feel for.. so innocent and so loving.. having to be witness to nervous breakdowns, arguments and shouting over infidelity.. and lack of affection.. they know something is wrong. Children FEEL things like animals feel a storm coming.. they are sensitve. I love them so much and they deserve so much more. I get so angry over that.[/quote]
Yes, children suffer. Don't you think they want both of their parents though? I would have that counselor help the children too ... or help you to help them, as far as how this should be explained and addressed.
[/quote]Anyway.. I know there's a lot here but I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone that has suffered with something as complicated as this.
An A with plus mental illness (depression) plus an EA, even if one-sided (her to him. He never called her) S gets mad when I say the EA was/is a delusion and a fantasy and merely represents a symbol of something in her, unresolved. An avoidant that she can't have.. Co-dependent since he suppposedly also suffered abuse of sorts as a child. I don't care what it is. She's married and you can't have both! I can't live with that. She must let him go or we can;t survive. How do I make her understand that I'm serious? Seperate? Let's see what comes out of the couples therapy. God, I hope the therapist is the right person for us... if not.. my life will change because of it.[/quote]
The therapy will give you a lot of answers; use care in selecting a good therapist. I would also suggest you work the program outlined on this site from start to finish and request that she do so as well. You could take the materials, with the findings, with you to the therapy sessions.
[/quote]I want my wife, I want my children and I want my family.. Is that too much to ask for? I feel so angry and hopeless sometimes.. I cry out of the blue and started having panic attacks after 12 years of remission. My life is 100% fine outside of this. Friends, works, life, God.. it's all good... [/quote]
No, this is not too much to ask for and I DO believe that you and your W CAN do this!!! Pray always, ask God to come in and heal you both, have faith!!!
[/quote]Please SHARE if you have life experience. I know someone has or is going through something similar. In this society, how could they not. Hopefully, they read this board.[/quote]
I have life experience on this, almost to the nose; I'll be happy to share with you all I can.
Thanks and God bless all of you for your strength and courage. We are all here seeking help and recover for ourselves, ur unions and probably for our children.. a NOBLE cause indeed....
Thank you. [/quote]
Please know ... I can only tell you about my personal experience and that of my H in going through all this. I am not a professional on the matter.
It took time, but our marriage is healed. And even my problems no longer impact the marriage in a negative way!!
Hang in there!!!! You're both, and your children, are in my prayers!! And I'll keep checking this thread.