hile my W, a SAHM, didn't have your typical A, she also suffers from severe depression and has had several breakdowns over our 10+ year marriage. The last breakdown was prefaced with her telling me of an "incident" that occured between her and an old friend (not sure what they were in the past) while we we heading to another city for our anniv. I got held back a day and she went out without me and she met up with the OM for lunch and dinner... and GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!? Boy, were we both grossly naive. How could that not have happened after she had had 10+ years of unresolved emotions for this person? This was an EA more than a PA but during that trip, it became a PA..just one incident and you would not believe how our lives have changed.

Anyway, on the day she told me of the A (9 months later), she suffered severe paranoia (it had been brewing for months) and I took her to hosp. only to leave the same day with her being somewhat ok. Her MD gave her ADs, then took herself off (BAD MOVE) and then, while I'm still trying to recover from the A, and only a few weeks afterwards, she has another very serious breakdown that lands her in a psych clinic for 4 days. Are you feeling my pain yet? 4 days in the hosp., I've got (3) kids and an executive-level position to maintain and all for what? The A or her depression?? Someone please tell me which it is! PLEASE! If it's for the Depression, then I'm there.. in sickness and in health, right.. but did she funk herself over withdrawal from the OM? He that ****** really worth a 12 year marriage and the mental health of 3 beautiful children? I just need to know if he's in her head or her heart. If her heart, then I can't live with it. If her head, then I'm willing to help her with it, as painful as it is for me.

So my S gets out of hosp. and is now in therapy and on meds (probably AD for life) and things were fine for a few weeks and this week she's not sleeping and waking up at 2-3am each night, something that used to occur quite often but hasn't since she got out of the hosp. Following a therapy session, she calls me crying and tells me she's thinking about the OM and that regardless of what they were, she loved him,wanted to marry him, they were friends... blah, blah, blah.. and I'm like.. ok.. but now what? If you want to be with him, go be with him. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?? GO.. be happy.. just give me peace. I deserve peace. I've truly done nothing. She says it's not about me at all and that I deserve better. Is that the bad mind talking or her heart?

Now, here are my questions that I so desperately need answers to. We start couple therapy in two weeks and hopefully, this will all be worked through but I see that I can hit the masses with this forum. I'm hoping there are some succcess stories out there that deal with Depression and A and EA and PA..

1) Does she get a pass for the A, be it a one time PA plus a EA of longing for the entire marriage, all because she has probably been depressed her entire life and had a really messed up childhood? She says she loves me and doesn't see a life without me but should I stand for her keeping the OM in her heart? or.. he he just a symbol of some kind that she needs to hold on to, part of her deluision/depression? Does anyone actually ever have someone's heart 100%? Am I asking for too much?

2) I'm not sure if my recent needs for affection were always there but I feel as if we're not affectionate except for sex, which ironically, both of us would say was ALWAYS great up until recently. Go figure. Could be the meds or she still harbors some guilt over the whole thing, but now she can't reach orgasm, something she did 100% of the time for the entire time I've know her. Punishing herself? I think she thinks God is.. .

3) After all this, she still wrestles with lost hopes, lost dreams and with this "connection" to the OM. Mind you she tells me that they NEVER actually had sex (he's impotent or something) and that the A/incident was only oral (him to her). Not that the details matter, but sex is sex right? And cheating is cheating. She also tells me that she wanted it, to express herself, to feel good but never says how the OM felt about it? Does it matter? God, those words cut like a knife.. She wanted to express herself at the expense of a 12 year marriage and 3 small children? Is that absurd? Is that the Depression or the gross selfishness of an abused inner child. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THAT IS?? Immaturity? Heart or Mind?

4) Is all this bad stuf simply a result of her carrying the guilt of the A AND the EA of 10+ years (not a true EA since they only started emailing and chatting a year prior to the PA) but I know for a fact that she had feelings unresolved for the entire marriage. A fact she doesn't deny. Is this guilt or depression or both? I also know that she has been depressed for most of her life. We both know that now. She says since childhood.

5) Should I stay married, if my needs for affection are not met and if she continues to harbor feelings for the OM, even if it may be delusional and part of her mental illness? Is that a cop out for what it really is? She loved him and he never loved her or it just didn't work out? Whatever. Can I make her not feel something? Would our marriage not be a lie if I stayed, if only for the kids? Could I spend 20+ years with her for the kids at the expense of my soul being ripped out in grief and sadness? Sshould I suck it up?

6) Will the kids suffer that much if we break nicely and they don't see anger and pain during the split ? God, they are all I feel for.. so innocent and so loving.. having to be witness to nervous breakdowns, arguments and shouting over infidelity.. and lack of affection.. they know something is wrong. Children FEEL things like animals feel a storm coming.. they are sensitve. I love them so much and they deserve so much more. I get so angry over that.

Anyway.. I know there's a lot here but I would greatly appreciate any advice from anyone that has suffered with something as complicated as this.
An A with plus mental illness (depression) plus an EA, even if one-sided (her to him. He never called her) S gets mad when I say the EA was/is a delusion and a fantasy and merely represents a symbol of something in her, unresolved. An avoidant that she can't have.. Co-dependent since he suppposedly also suffered abuse of sorts as a child. I don't care what it is. She's married and you can't have both! I can't live with that. She must let him go or we can;t survive. How do I make her understand that I'm serious? Seperate? Let's see what comes out of the couples therapy. God, I hope the therapist is the right person for us... if not.. my life will change because of it.

I want my wife, I want my children and I want my family.. Is that too much to ask for? I feel so angry and hopeless sometimes.. I cry out of the blue and started having panic attacks after 12 years of remission. My life is 100% fine outside of this. Friends, works, life, God.. it's all good...

Please SHARE if you have life experience. I know someone has or is going through something similar. In this society, how could they not. Hopefully, they read this board.

Thanks and God bless all of you for your strength and courage. We are all here seeking help and recover for ourselves, ur unions and probably for our children.. a NOBLE cause indeed....

Thank you.

If you are truely in a Plan A...
...put the questions of 'should I stay married'... and 'will the kids suffer'... off to the side.
(easy answers... Yes and YESSSS!)

If you W is really suffering depression...
...she must seek continual counseling... and if appropriate... take medication as directed.

Focus on a 'good' Plan A...
...see the link below

NSR

waterman,
I posted my feedback on the other thread (a duplicate with the exception of 'In Plan A NOW' in the subject line) you opened if you are interested. That was a quick decision or perhaps I misunderstood what you want.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<BUMP> to duplicate.

And I quote you, waterman:
"We start couple therapy in two weeks and hopefully, this will all be worked through ... "

There's the answer.

sorry. newbie..

I mentioned the NC letter and she jumped all over it, only she wanted to include how he hurt her and all this other stuff!? I explained to S that the letter was for me, the BS, and that it was a way for her to show me a committment to end the EA. She asked how he would know if he ever read it and didn't want to make it a last communicado so we agreed it wasn't good timing right now.. she also wants to learn more about MB.

What is she sees my posts? Should I care?

With that said, are we still in Plan A? Must she send the NC letter per MB rules or can it be customized? I know it shouldn't be open ended. Nothing's easy, is it? I actually did send the OM an email requesting that he not communicate with my wife, which she was orginally very upset about but as of tonight, after I told her what I said, felt respect for me since I questioned his values and motives and if he knew that I had faciliated her seeing him and that she needed closure. Tonight was great progress since I've changed... I know that I must change things since I can't make her change. It works!!! I know it works! I don't get angry over any of it. I have her.. I have the upper hand.. and I have the ability to let her realize what she has in me.. He has nothing to show her. I will remove LUs from her LB if I can help it, especially when it comes to the OM. I told her that. She wants me to share some of the insight here but I'm afraid to show her my posts.. now.. maybe I will just cut and paste some excerpts..

You asked me if she ever had to go through day-to-day trials and tribulations with this OM, ever? Pertaining to maintaining a long-term relationship, raising children, maintaining/establishing and running a household, child-rearing, etc.???

HUH, let's see.... they never actually went out as boyfriend and girlfriend. they worked together. She like him and I suspect he avoided her because he had a girlfriend. They never actually had sex since he's impotent or something but "they were friends" and he slept over her house once or twice. She could talk with him for hours.. he was tortured as a child just like she was... blah, blah, blah.. like my childhood was a friggin' picnic... P-lease....

I suspect she had a crush on him and he blew her off or used her as a sounding board for problems that he couldn't share with his girlfriend at the time (go figure) and he may have been engaged or something to another girl. My S was vunerable and insecure from her own abuses as a child and you know the rest.. it's right out of the books. ****** hath no fury.... as a women scorned... only this women may have had depression and mental illness back then and somehow, the feelings (and scorn) for the OM manifested themselves into some sort of symbol, an addiction, or something.. Do I keep blaming the mental illness or is that wrong? Could it have innocently been her heart and not her mind? A young women's crush? If so, then I think I can somehow live with that as well as a compasionate spouse but I can't live with it NOW, after 12 years or marriage and 3 children and the fact the they never spoke for over 10 years. How could a "ghost" have so much power over us and our relationship when she has so much love right here in front of her!!??

Oh.. and there's one more tidbit I forgot to add in my initial post.. I facilitated my S hooking up with the OM in a certain way. I found his email address for her.. and condoned her talking with him since she had always told me she needed "closure" to whatever it was that they had. It was always about "closure"... So silly me goes and books our annual anniversary trip to the same town that the OM lives in so we could have our trip and so she could see him ... Was I dumb or what?

I had also read some journals/diaries over the years and saw entries in there about her feelings for him. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? How she wanted him to just be her friend.. how she wanted to be validated.... there goes that avoidant, co-dependent stuff again.... I know she also found him attractive.. her type, if you will... whatever....

She also told me tonight that the PA (one incident) was a MISTAKE and that she feels as if she blew a chance for some sort of relationship. with him I explained to her that with the PA or not, the EA was also wrong, period and that all contact must stop, absolutely. She agreed but started to cry. I truly feels that she feels that the marriage and the children/family are the priority but she's wrestling with letting go.. it's the classic withdrawal and she knows she's in the "fog".. I called it that and she looked at me like it meant something to her. She's never been her but it obviously fits... it is a fog..

Finally, she told me that during one of those sleepness nights recently, that she actually felt like letting go of her feelings for the OM!! She said she felt sick and like vomiting.. and your comments about addiction resonated in my head when she said that.. Was that a Good sign? Is she heading toward the light? Will she let go soon?

She removed his email address from her contacts shortly before the last BIG breakdown, which I suspect was the start of the withdrawal and it's been almost 10 weeks. How long could a WS feel withdrawal? Did I read two years or was that my pain??

Thanks again.. You have truly given me tremendous HOPE.. more than I've felt in 3 months!! Thank you for that.

waterman, have you clicked onto the links NSR posted for you? He's an old-timer on the boards and he really does get the concepts. The timing on him returning (he was gone for ages) is a blessing for you.

wow, that's heavy stuff. I just saw your post and I haven't read the other replies, but perhaps I can give you some insight into my situation, which in some ways may be similiar to your W. But remember, I am fresh out of an affair, just a few weeks ago, so I'm still coming out of the fog.
Us women are strange creatures aren't we.
There's only one thing I can't figure out in her case ... why she would want to be with a man who's impotent?? That almost made me laugh (not that it's funny), but really ... I mean ...??? Were you joking or?
Anway, I can relate somewhat to your situation.
I have suffered the abandonment of a parent (my mother) at the age of 6. That saw me become a love/relationship addict in my adolescent/early adult years. I felt like I had to be in a relationship constantly (even if bad) to feel ok. When I came out of one, I would get violently ill and stay in bed for days with a panic attack. I met a guy at 19 who I loved a lot, and we went out for 3 years. We wanted to get engaged, but to cut a long story short, it didn't work out, even though neither of us really broke it off. I was devastated, and I felt like I never got over it. I went into my marriage still having a lot of feelings for that guy, but realising that since he was married, it would never work out anyway ...
15 years later, and I move close to where he lives, we made email contact, and had a sexual (though brief) affair.

I really thought, until a few days ago (now I'm coming out of the fog), that this was my soul mate. I didn't want to break up our homes, but I was thinking that I would just have to live with these feelings for life. Well, it's becoming clear to me now, that those feelings were mostly based on an illusion. He used me, and had no regard for me throughout the whole process (he could say the same of me), but if he really did love me, he wouldn't have used me for sex (yes, I gave it to him to make myself feel better), but he treated me so cold and callous after I gave him oral sex, that I got so confused.

Here was a guy who was telling me that he loved me more than his own wife, that I was his soul mate, that his wife was dumb, I was intelligent, that she never gave him sex, that I was a sex kitten and soooo sexy, and so he gets what he wants, and then leaves, darn quick.

Now, her OM may not treat her like that, and he may be a great guy, but there is a reason why she is not with him today, and that she chose you instead.

Even if she can't remember that reason, or has forgotten that reason, she should remain committed to you, and you to her.

I believe that she is in a delusion, and her depression would be contributing to that. She thinks she needs him to feel better.

You sound like a good man, and I would say stick with her, and ride through this. As painful as it may be, let her talk it out with you like a friend (I know my husband has let me do this and although it has been painful for him, it has helped me immensely).

What really helped me was hearing my husband explain to me about what guys are like, and that they will say/do anything sometimes just to get sex with a woman. That helped me realise that I had in fact been used. This other guy has used your woman, and she needs to see that.
If he really did love her, he would have said to her ... I love you too much to hurt you or your family, so please go back to them...

Instead, he has used her for his own pleasure, and she would have given it thinking that she would have felt all loved and everything, completely fulfilled. She has been tricked and used. I know, because I've been there!! Once she sees that, she can then turn her thoughts to anger towards him over the part he played in taking advantage of her, and then move onto healing. My delusion about my first love/obsession is slowly but surely breaking down.

Now, my husband's side. He has been deeply hurt to come to realise that I have had these feelings all through our marriage. He hasn't been the best of husbands let's say (although with Gods' help he is changing a lot), and he did contribute to me being very needy and vulnerable to the affair. You may have not in your case. Search your heart and ask if you really have been meeting your wife's emotional needs as best as you can. Ask her. If you have, and she says that you've been a good husband, then you have and don't punish yourself. It's not that she doesn't love you. It's not even that she loves this guy. What she loves in an ILLUSION of who he is ...
I think that's pretty safe to say.
Anway, if you would like to talk to my husband who has been crying his eyes out for the past few weeks over the grief I have caused him, and he has had NO_ONE to talk to about this, that would be great. I can somehow give you his email address. He would be happy to share his side and all the pain and depression he's going through right now. He had his first panic attack the other night. He feels like he might need to go on medication, but we are trying to do manage with natural therapies.

I hope this helps! I can understand where your wife is coming from (did she write on this post?) seems I remember reading something similar written by a woman ...
If you would like me to help her in some way, i would be willing.

She is longing for something with this guy that she will never really get, because she is longing for that 'elusive' love, that those of us who suffer from deep hurts/depression often search for. It doesn't exist. God has put that hole in us to drive us towards Him.

Even if she had a chance to have a life with him, she wouldn't be happy. I can almost say that for certain.

Keep letting her talk and she will eventually come out of this fog.

thank you... I can't tell you how I feel now after reading this..

will my sharing your post with my wife hurt or help the situation..

I can't help but feel that my exposing the OM and her feelings for what they really are, is causing resentment from her since I'm the bad guy making her come to this hard and so painful realization..

Thanks again.. I can't tell you what this means to me..

No, I'm serious.. 13 years ago, before she met me, she always said, ever when we first met, that they never actually had sex.. I think he's an alcholic or heavy drinker and had problems there.. THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEX, IMHO.. it's more than that.. Even when they hooked up last year for the PA/incident, she claims that he was fully clothed (and drunk) and he gave her oral.. that was it.. she swears on the children.. I also believe her and she often says thank god they didn't have intercourse since I have made such a big stink about the oral.. she's like the Bill Clinton of EAs...

Look, it's all the same to me (sex is sex and betrayal is betrayal) but there are really bigger issues here than coitus anyway.. wouldn't we all like to have sex with someone else.. come on.. I'm a big boy and can say it.. This is not about sex! It's about why she did it and what's missing in her life that I can't give her.. OR that she can't fill herself.. We both agree that it's nothing I've done or didn't do and she often says "I'm too good for her".. you have no idea.. and even on the sex front, she has reached "O" 99.9% of the time, even throughout all this mess. Sex is the best thing we have in our marriage besides the kids and similar values..



My wife never had a real relationship (more than 3 months) before she met me. We were engaged after 6 months and married within a year. ;-/
She has said that she always "got bored" and had to move on.. but she did like some.. What was it about me I wonder? She says I made her feel good and like she never had before.. but why didn't it last? Why doesn't she still need to feel so loved.. I love her so much but she's not into it.. She says I'm too mushy.. She says she shows her love in the bedroom and I guess as a guy, I should be damn happy for that.. It's like the roles are reversed and I'm the lonely, affectionate-needing wife and she's the hard-[censored] man who only needs sex.. That's a major issue that hopefully we will work on in marriage therapy..
I am not a feminine man, by any means.. I'm jsut VERY affectionate and need little things like a touch on the back, a hug, or something other than sex. Whatever... EMs and alll that, right...

Her mother was raised badly, abuse off all kinds, escaped one country to come here and be abused mentally by her husband's family. My wife's mother then had an affair with her dad's cousin (for 1.5 years) that no one could or still can talk about. They had to move.. The mother's lover's daughter may have sexually abused my wife.... crazy.. anyway.. this plus she says her parent's fought all the time, had no money, wah, wah, wah..and she also says that as a small girl, she had suicidal thoughts.... scary stuff, huh?? So.. should I blame her for her behaviour? Am I being too soft? Giving her a pass? I'm not.. this has been killing me and she wants to move forward and "displace" the OM with me and the family. Should I accept that and move on if my need for affection in not being met? Complicated... I'm a bright guy... seen and done alot.. but this is complicated...


I told her about your post. I showed it to her.. She's says it's not the same. She doesn't think he just wanted sex since they never actually had sex.. They would talk for hours and there was some kind of mental connection.. Even last year during the PA/Incident, it was all her.. she wanted to "be free" .. express herself.. SAHM, lost career, bored, depressed.. how could she not want to escape..deep down.. I feel more sorry for her than angry.. she's torrtured and suffering more than I will ever.. I'm happy in my life, truly happy except for this little thing.. ;-).. .seriously.. my life is good and I wake up smiling except for this issue of not feeling 100% loved by my wiife. I need to define what 100% is.. we're just not connected to my satisfaction.. and I think it's her feelings for him.. I don't know..


She is and she tells me this every day.. She loves me, she loves the kids... she can't see a life without me.. blah, blah... so why then must she harbord these feelings. Addiction? Like a junky?? That must be it.. but she reasons it like it's ok..it's not ok if it hurts me. Am I too selfish? I don't have any feelings for anyone other than her so why can't I have the same? I'm like a women, ain't I?
;-)

She also always says that "I was the better man for her as a husband, as a father... and that the OM would not have done what I have.. So.. then give me the ****** respect that I deserve and kill him in your heart for me. Is that too much to ask for. Would you risk true love to hang on to this? Am I giving her too many excuses.. depression, addiction, bad childhood, mental illness, abused, avoidant, etc..

She loves me.. she says she loves me.. we snuggle in bed every morning when we wake up.. we talk it out when we can.. we make love as often as we want and always good..maybe it's me. Maybe I need to lower my expectations for marriage. We're not ever going to be kissy kissy, lovey, dovery ever again.. I know that.. but ******, I just want SOME kind of affection other than sex..

Please send me your H's email.. I would love to chat with him.

Do you guys have kids? How old are you both?

Many of us who have had abuse or neglect or emotional trauma in childhood can carry a love deficit around with us for ages, until we find true healing.

We try to fill that with all kinds of stuff, and it sounds like your wife is a love addict in many ways. Takes one to recognise one.

It sounds to me as though she is trying to find something that she feels is missing inside, to fill an empty aching void that being married, having kids, and anything else just doesn't quite seem to fill.

I wonder if she often feels completely alone in this world, if she struggles with lonliness as an over-riding feeling or thread that runs throughout her life.

I know I certainly struggle with this, and it's not something that can be filled easily with marriage, or any relationship for that matter.

I am in the process of trying to learn why it is I cannot get rid of this fantasy about my first love in my head, that one day we will be together and it will be wonderful and complete (this is starting to break down thank God).

I think God is telling me he is the only one that can really heal me and fill that hole.

I don't know if you guys are religious, or have a faith or not?

If she really had a chance to live out her 'dream' of being with this guy, she still wouldn't be happy I believe.

This is not so much about HIM, or her unhappiness in her marriage I believe as it is about HER and who she is inside. I bet she still feels like a frightened little girl who just wants to cry at how she was hurt, and just wants to be loved and held by her Mom. I feel like that often, and no-one in particular can really ease that pain, although I've tried to medicate it with all kinds of relationships.

I was trying to figure out how to send a Private message to you through this message board system so I could give you my husband's email address. I prefer not to post it straight onto here for obvious reasons. I'm sure he would like to converse with you, as he feels pretty much the same as you in a lot of ways. He too is a very affectionate man, and is needing a lot during this process.

I am so happy he wants to be close to me and everything, but I am finding I need my space to think as well.
Perhaps hold off with the affection for a while, and let your wife respond to you instead. If she realises that you haven't asked for a hug for a while, she may think 'oh, where are the hugs gone' and start to move toward you more of her own initiative.

Hang in there with her, and just love love love her. I think she will come to realise what a man you are for loving her through all this.
Probably best not to show her this post as she would probably get defensive.

thank you.. you make so much sense in this post as compared to some others..

Sorry about last post.. I saw something about knives and throats and got turned off.. was that your H or the OM who did that? did I read something wrong?

WHO?? The OM or your H? I'm confused. I thought you gave up the OM ? Are you saying that the OM is the one you want??

Confused.

Nevermind.. HE is God..

I was tired..

thanks

lea23--

WOW, you just described my wife to a T. Constantly self-medicates to fill some inner void, left by a dad who was gone before she was a year old, an abusive bipolar mom whom she loves but can get only anguish from, and a husband who loves her furiously but is only at home half the time.

she usually medicates on frenetic activity (mimics her mom's manic stages of bipolar) Right now she's medicating on another guy-- at least it's not alcohol or xanax or something which would physically endanger our child.

very insightful lea123. thanks.

Hi again Waterman,
I must say that over the last few days, I am really clearing my head out, and I feel like this delusion that I have had about this OM for over 12 years now is finally breaking. Your wife may think she really knows this guy - but does she really??? He may be something other than what he is portraying to her.

The thought occured to me tonight, that I actually had sex with someone I DON'T KNOW. Sure, I knew the guy for who he was 12 years ago, but how do I know who he really is today?
He could have been a predator, addicted to porn, a serial cheater .... this is really quite a scary thought.
The fact that I had unprotected sex with him (although brief) is really very scary now that I think about it. What was I thinking?
You know, there was a point where I told him to stop, and he didn't. I don't know about your laws here, but in Australia, that would be rape.
I know it takes two, but a no is a no.

I'm seeing the light of day now, no more fog. I can't believe what I just did. My goodness. Not only did I hurt my husband and family immensely, but I could have been placing myself in danger with someone I don't really know as well.

How is your wife doing these days?

She's fine. Staying the course with her meds, therapy for self, working out.. reading the bible, trying to stay positive..We also have our first marriage session with our mutual therapist this week.. should be interesting.

I'm sick to my stomach when I wake and when I try to sleep at night I cry.... I'm not clininally depressed, but man I'm beat down... and I'm sure I'm NOT being a good PLAN A BW..She's not going anywhere and I dont' suspect she will contact OM for now.. but I'm not sure how much pain I can take. Her therapist, who's also mine, tells me that S is not a cheating kind and this was an isolated incident..

She told me two nights ago that HE was more of the man she wanted.. Physically that is.. never mentioned ONE other trait other than a thick head of hair and a strong jaw.. and more of a man's man.. she's also mentiond nose jobs (for her and maybe for me since I have a deviated septum) and it was really all about sex for her and I when we met. and how I pursured her and she wasn't really into me... and she could't say no to my proposal because she felt bad.. .cop out or what? Can someone be that cruel or sadistic if all this is true? Honestly, we are on the same scale in the looks department, relatively speaking... and my ex was DROP DEAD gorgeuous, from a mans' or women's perspective.. she's into the physically for a reason.. the experts know why... but when that goes away, what are we all left with??

BUT SHE WAS.. she was intimate. she was loving and affectionate... and the sex has stayed great for the entire time... she made a mistake on that trip but if that mistake hadn't happened, she would have been continuing the EA and probably be suffering her depression without meds and therapy.. or maybe not.. the breakdown would have come but not as hard.. The guilt of that incident almost killed her. All this happened for a reason..had to.. bad things happen to wake you up.. and man are we up!!! ;-)

She says she wants to move forward and focus on now and tomorrow.. but she then slips in a "hope" to have contact with the OM. It blows my minds...
and she claims that it can't be because I wrote him a note never to contact her.. like my note would keep soulmates from each other.. I guess it's easier to blame my note than to test her resolve... Is that a stretch? She once said that I sent him a note to protect my family.. she touched me when she said it as if to say I understand why you sent it..

Mental hospitals, a loving S in GREAT pain, children/family to protect, friends finding out about it all if I decide to leave, losing a VERY GOOD lifestyle financially, anti-depressents, therapy, and all this bad stuff..and she wants hope to contact a root cause of the suffering.. for both of us.. I just don't get it.. She loves me... I guess I know that and believe that but can I live the next 20-30 years knowing that she harbors feelings that she should have.. could have married someone else? Then she says it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway since he's an avoidant, child of an alchohilic mother, etc.. and since sex is so important to her, she tells me she's such a sexual person, how could a life with the OM be a good one since he can't even get it up!!???

Is this confusing or what?? I need professional help as does she to work this out... We may survive, but it really is like the AA guys say.. one day at a time.

Thanks.