So as not to threadjack, I thought we would bring this subject to its own thread.

Ladysheep asked how I deal with them. I'm going to answer that later today, but right now we are all going out for some family time. Our son is home from college and this is the first time we have all been together in months.

I thought since the board seemed kind of busy this morning, I would throw it out for everyone to answer. So, here goes:

How do you deal with triggers?
Do you talk to your spouse about the trigger? If so, how do you approach it with out LBs?

I realize we are all different and in different places in the journey, but I think we can learn from one another.

Maybe FWS can weigh in, too. When yous spouse triggers, how do you overcome that with them?

Please,let's keep it positive so maybe we can learn to deal with triggers and not trigger one another with insults.

How I were to handle the triggers would depend on the trigger, what provoked it, and what the evidence is to support it.

I really don't have any triggers that remain that aren't made up in my own head, and I do very well (most times) when those rarely pop up. However, I had a "trigger moment" that lasted longer and that is what brought me to this site. I had several, initially, that I worked very hard on. So I'll be happy to share them if that's what you are asking for on this thread.

I used to "picture" H with these other women, always comparing myself.

I had nightmares and would wake up sobbing because the dreams felt "so" real!

Etc., etc.

Exactly. We hear how so many of us have that exact trigger - seeing our spouse intimately involved with the OP. How do you combat it?

I am sure there are several triggers that are common to all of us. We can turn off the radio or the TV since most shows have to deal with an affair it seems like. And the songs on the radio? Oh my. I think every coutry song is about cheating. I guess they always have been, but it never bothered me til lately. A song came hon this week that I used to sing along with. It made me sick at my stomach that I knew all the words.

Anyway, what do you do about the thoughts?

This is where Ladysheep and I started the discussion. As a Christian, I feel like satan puts the thoughts in my head to cause friction between my spouse and myself.

When it happens, how do I react? How do you react?

Good questions, here are my responses:


Orchid: It does depend on what those triggers are. For the ones that are places (well I can't blow them up). Trigger places for me include a city, street, Motel6 (just the name makes me shudder), Yosemite and San Francisco.

Things that trigger: H's old truck (but he sold it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ), Nextel phone's and it's rings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> , H's current face (he shaved off his mustache for her, kept it off ever since, it looks ok but the reason is always held in front of me. The last trigger is hard.

Sayings that trigger: using the name: "sweety", H called that in an e-mail a couple of weeks ago and I got all riled up. Guess those triggers are still working. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


Orchid: We have a way of notifying each other by asking the other if we can ask them a question. I do it more than he does and I do it for more than just trigger stuff, so he never really knows when I will ask for reassurance. That's the key getting and giving reassurance.


Orchid: As mentioned above, it is his job to make me and our family feel reassured of his commitment and love to us. For him it is hard since he was never a lovey kind of guy, yet what I read in those e-mails projected a weird and different character.....he morphed into a desparate school boy during the A. He said and did foolish things that even he can't believe, yet he does because it is in writing (those darn e-mails <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ).

Also selecting doing things to help us each get closure. This was a start.


Orchid: I agree. Thanks for the thread. Hope it helps some.

Mahalo,
L.

Hmmm ... okay, here are mine:

EVERYTHING!!!! ROFL (no kidding) My triggers were constant and all-consuming!

TV (everything -- commercials, movies, etc.), songs on the radio, the phone ringing, his van, where he looked while we were driving, locations (general neighborhoods or other locations that we would drive by ... he would be working at ... etc.), the cellphone bill arriving in the mail (obsessively checking into who's numbers are who's), side jobs (just being gone ... oh ... sure, I'll bet it's a "side job"), no sex if/when I wanted it -- or if it has been "just a few days," other women (I compared and tormented myself with, "Bet he would do her!"), I already mentioned the nightmares and dreams in "realtime," quick trips to the store ... anything ... everything ... nothing!!

Again ... How I were to handle the triggers would depend on the trigger, what provoked it, and what the evidence is to support it.

Yes, I was allowed to voice my triggers and my pain to my H for reassurance; this was agreed upon in our counseling session. Another thing that was agreed upon, ABSOLUTELY NO "QUESTIONMARKS," on EITHER PART ... meaning, I could/do know where he is at all times, can reach him by cellphone (and he is always to answer or phone back immediately if he is in the middle of something), can even drive to where he is if I want. (Same applies to him.) Just knowing that was enough reassurance for me, for the most part. If it was just something I was feeling, he always loved(s) and reassured(s) me and does everything humanly possible to take away this pain. He has also taken full responsibility. There is absolutely no dishonesty, not even in matters as minute as "No, I didn't eat the last of the ice cream, leave the toilet seat up, etc."

As far as the triggers as they came one by one, I had to learn to focus on me. "Why do I feel this way?" "Why do I think this/that/the other?" Blah ... blah ... blah. Simply, there was no evidence! My husband fully realized what he had done, how it hurt and devastated me, took full responsibility for it, and hit bottom BIGTIME. Thus, allowing me proof of anything/everything I should question if I wanted it, without reservation or excuse. I think the biggest part that helped me in my recovery was that my husband WANTED to do these things, that he DID NOT WANT me to hurt EVER AGAIN so he did EVERYTHING he could to stop my pain. He did this of his own accord, because he genuinely WANTED to, I think that was the key for me. So I got over it.

A lot of it had to do with "automatic thoughts" that I just kept replaying in my mind. For instance, "I must lack in some area or he wouldn't have done that." Changed to, "I don't lack at all, this was not about me, they could have been anyone (and that is SO true, I've learned!)" So ... I also had a lot of work to do on myself while he supplied me with all these reassurances.

Our therapist also helped by helping us find those things that were troublesome; we compromised, learned to communicate better. I guess the bottom line is:

~ Living in The Solution Eliminates The Problem ~

IF that's done on BOTH parts! No questionmarks about it!
And yet once ... Again ... How I were to handle the triggers would depend on the trigger, what provoked it, and what the evidence is to support it.

This is an excellent thread, thanks!! More to add:

Meeting people, being around people, making friends, socializing ... all HUGE triggers. Most of the OW were my friends, some very close friends, one ... my very best friend (so I thought). Hence, my feeling of betrayal was in a WORLDLY sense! So many knew, so many kept the secrets, so many ate at my table with both my husband and I ... with the both of them knowing and me not knowing. How much the fool I felt!!! And to think ANYONE could be so cruel!!

I became very reclusive, vowed never to have any close friends ... never let acquaintances I did like meet my husband. When I first began meeting other ladies that I wanted to befriend, I NEVER brought them home or let my husband meet them. I was afraid "they" would be next to sleep with my H.

I suspect that my husband's efforts and everything else I mentioned already helped me get through that. One day I just decided that I had hurt enough and that I would find others like me and develop true friendships. I decided that I would use these horrible experiences to benefit others, I knew there had to be others ... although I thought my case to be more extreme. So I started looking and realized, "I am not alone, I am not unique, nor is what happened to me." Finally ... I just started going out, meeting people in safe places and in safe ways. Time went by and now that's over.

TIME ... another big one.

Triggers for me have changed since d-day. Of course I had the ones where I pictured them together in the act, ya know? That has gotten better. In the last couple of weeks I haven't really done that. Probably because he filled in a lot of blanks in my mind about that.

Now here are some others:

tattoes - she has them. I don't. No matter where who has them or where they are located, my heart races. Gosh, they are everywhere. There's not much I can do about that. I just have to try and think of something else.

the town they met in and where she lives (as does his whole family) I make sure I am dressed up and looking my best to go to that town

him working late - that is when they emailed and chatted when he was at the office. I call him or go to the office and hang out with him. One afternoon I went with him for a work related thing. A man said he wished his wife would go with him. I started to tell him to have an affair and she probably would, but I held back.

him Checking his email at home - nuff said so I usually ask who emailed or go sit with him just for reassurance.

tacky jewelry

checking into a hotel with him - the first time, I nearly had a heart attack.

her name - a relative, my manicurist, a hurricaine this year, an email list I was on <ARGH>

Her birthday was a trigger for the first 23 years we were married (she was his old girlfriend)-next year I can only imagine will be worse

Even our anniversary- will be 24 years of marriage and one year of NC. He stopped contact before d-day.

I am really dreading the first 6 months of next year- there will be lots of triggers then as to the time line of the A. I am already planning things to counteract them. The weekends I am really worried about I am planning little get aways for us.

Orchid, we do the same thing about "I have a question" He knows when I ask something that I am not doing it to hurt him, that if I ask I need to know. Please don't anyone say he deserves to hurt. He is trying so hard.

One other thing I do is write him emails. Sometimes I include sections of my journal for him to read. I can put things into words better that way. Sometimes he responds by emails, but sometimes he just answers them at night.

Mondays were big trigger days for me. D-Day was a monday. It seemed like those were the days I would dig and dig for info. Believe me I found some awful stuff on some Mondays. My IC suggested I be proactive about Mondays. One thing I now do is sned myself an e-card from God. In it I tell me what I think God wants me to hear that day. This has gotten easier since at the beginning I didn't really care about listening much to God.

I think communication with my spouse really helps conquer the triggers.

Triggers - wow, there are so many all the time.
His cell phone ringing or him getting a text message. Riding in his truck. (He was supposed to sell it but no one called to buy it.) Makes me shudder to ride in it.
Like 2TearyEyes said, "where he looked while we were driving." He doesn't know that I know what she drives and what color it is. His eyes linger longer on that particular vehicle as if to check if it is her in the drivers seat. Even though, she'd have no reason to be on this side of the city, more than 50 miles away.

Her name is a "verb" used daily in the english language. Also a very common name in our circle of friends and relatives (my sister in law to be exact!!). I cringe every time I hear the "word" or "name."

As moveforward says, tatoos. She had a tatoo on her lower back and my WH has mentioned three times now since Dday (11 mo ago) that I should get a tatoo on my lower back. Each time I get pi**ed off but he seems to forget that. While the A was going on, for months, he also talked about getting a tatoo but never did.

Certain songs that were popular at the time that "could have" been their song or songs that I know my H listened to at that time. His taste in music changed during that time and now he doesn't listen to it anymore. (whew - good sign.)

I tend to come back to MB in times of doubt because I need the support from all of you. It can be so depressing though, I will admit. We all feel like we are the only one who has experienced this horrible betrayal and pain but as we can see from this board, there are thousands of us out there!!

I guess I never mentioned how I deal with the triggers. Well I try to let him know. Like tonight for example. He went deer hunting today and on the way home after shooting his second deer, he said his buddy called him and wanted him to come over and play poker. I said fine with me. An hour or so into it I text messaged him and asked him to call me from his buddies house (to prove he was there.) He did call immediately. no problem. I can't imagine that he wants to be under this kind of scrutiny forever though. It's 11 months since Dday.

Triggers are very tough.
I have triggers when his cell phone rings, when his cell phone alerts him of a text-message, his work truck,(o/w backed her car into parking place just like w/h backed his truck in, I about died when I saw her car backed into a space.) his personal truck, I wonder if he ever had her ride in it with him, my husband really liking spanish looking woman, (o/w was half mexican), my husband being really nice to woman, my husband having to work overtime or on the weekends, my husband having to pick up dry cleaning, near the o/w facility, and others I can't think of. If my husband is really happy and full of energy, (this is how he was when I went away for the week, and he spent his time calling o/w)I worry that his happiness is due to contact with o/w. One night he came home very happy and exhilirated. I was in a good mood too, but it definately was in the back of my mind that his mood could be contributed to having contact with o/w.
Thank goodness, all my triggers were just that, triggers, not resumed contact. I feel very comfortable now, that my xwh no longer has any contact with o/w.
The only thing I have to overcome is his visable irriatations with certain things I do, that he gets impatient with.
I have noticed the more time we spend together, the more irriatated he gets over minor things that I do.
I am assuming that one day, when he finally falls back in love with me, those irriations will diminish.

MF, Thankyou so much bringing this topic up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Triggers are the hardest part for me beginning recovery.
I hate em!! They can be such a distraction. But now that I am aware of what they are, learning how to deal with them properly is the next step. And now that I can sit and talk with my H about them helps alot, before I couldn't. I would just fly off with each trigger, it was terrible. H now begins to pray each time I have one, or he reassures me. I had a few today. And H was praying alot. Many of the triggers I get are just plain paranoid nontruths or fears, I can't stand it.

I am thankful I am not alone in this, and that so many are sharing thier experience about them. But, it would make recovery so much easier if the triggers would just stay away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Lady

I forgot the biggest trigger of all~ About 3-4 times per month, he has to go to meetings on 'her' side of town and I have a horrible day when I know he's over there.
He used to always drive by her work just to be closer to her even after NC supposedly happened. She even caught him lurking there one day. Sick, I know.
She wants nothing to do with him and I pray he finally realizes that. Her side of town is 50 miles away.
He knows that I know all of this and of course he insists he was not there.......I don't believe him as she has been more truthful to me than he has through this whole thing. She has no reason to tell me this out of the blue.

Great post. A couple of these really hit the spot for me. Close to D-day it seemed like that everything was a trigger. Now the triggers are mostly few and far between. How I also handle them is to try to shift my thoughts on our R now and the happiness and intimacy that we have now vs. even Pre-A. Although I will never say that the A was the best thing to happen to our M, it is unlikely that without the A that we would be at this point in our lives in many ways...total honesty, working towards common goals, great sex, spiritually, etc.

Over the last several weeks I have been travelling quite a bit and although I was home most every night, we have missed our walks and just hadn't had time to communicate like we were. I planned a weekend get away, found a place for the kids to stay and took off for a day and a half. I started it off with my FWW's favorite activity and my least favorite activity (shopping). Even though she wore me out in this venture, we both had a lot of fun. I had planned on doing some more things including taking her to test drive a mini-cooper but by the time we got to the hotel we were both needing a little rest before going out for the evening. We had kind of joked all day about how nice it would be to have our intimacy without worrying about the kids, etc.

We checked into the hotel and I really never thought about anything. Then we the moment was just about right, the thought hit me...we have snuck away for the weekend to have sex in a motel. BAM...bad trigger. Just about put a damper on the weekend.

Well, I guess I dealt with this like most triggers. Just had to focus on how our relationship is now and how that we have both changed. I would have never have went shopping like that with her before D-day. And we were in the nicest hotel in town as opposed to their not so nice almost a Motel 6. After a little while it was off of my mind and we finished the rest of our plans.

After dinner that night, my FWW brought up our anniversary. This has been another tough thing as I have really struggled with what to believe was real in our M before D-day. I told her that I have learned to focus only on our M now and not sure that I wanted to celebrate our anniversary at least for now. This kind of insulted her and she stated that although there were certainly rough times in the M and things that both of us did that we were not proud of that it was not right to throw the baby out with the bathwater. We agreed that this issue will take some time to work through. I also told her about my feelings in the hotel.

She asked me if I thought that our sex in a hotel was better than at home. I told her no and she said that it never has been for her either (although she was talking about us, this was really a reassurance in regards to OM too). After that I guess I really had worked through this trigger. We enjoyed the rest of the weekend and just felt bad that we didn't have more time. I am looking forward to the next getaway. Not sure the hotel trigger will not still be there but I can promise I will never be staying in less than a 4 star hotel from now on. Certainly not ever in the name brand that they frequented.

Triggers........man, even the WORD "trigger" is a trigger! Darnit if this affair garbage doesn't infiltrate every little crack and crevace of your life.

I'm still figuring out how to deal with triggers, we haven't come up with a healthy way to handle them yet. Too bad there isn't a magic memory pill that you could take to erase certain things!

For me, the big ones are:

Flowers--WH brought me late-Valentine's-Day flowers (last baby was born on V-Day, so we were a little *busy* that day) while I was in the hospital but bought OW an identical bouquet...he hadn't brought me flowers for any of the other three children, nor had he bought me flowers for Valentine's Day any other year. Now when I see bouquets of flowers, it makes me physically ill.

Hershey Hugs--OW and WH had a running joke that OWH had a problem (duh....) with the two of them hugging so the chocolate kind were the only ones they were allowed to give each other. Couldn't care less if I ever see another one of those candies, but considering Hershey Kisses have been a very SPECIAL thing for me and WH since we were in high school, this is one I'm going to have to learn to deal with.

Green Mitsubishi Monteros--OW's vehicle. No matter what I do,I can't get away from them. Last trip in the US that WH and I made before we moved overseas there were Monteros EVERYWHERE, I even joked about it and then WH and I nearly fell over laughing when an auto hauler truck passed us carrying SIX GREEN MONTEROS!!! oy...

The entire state of Iowa...and the Nebraska Cornhuskers. Sorry, y'all, I can't help it.

WH's email. He broke NC two months ago via email. Now I freak out every time he checks his email. Thank God he had to get a new cell phone once we moved! I'm thinking of burning the old one just for kicks, there was far too much of their EA in the hidden and deleted 'memory banks' of that phone...

The term "babe". He's now called TWO women other than me by that moniker, and I don't ever want to hear the word fall from his lips again.