Our sad story. We have been married for 6 years. I live in my wife’s country which is not an English speaking country. I do depend on her more than I should because of the language. I have started to study a year ago. We are struggling for money because I am studying. She had to move to an other town for work to support us. She had to stay in carp flat while I stayed in our nice home. We saw weekends only. While she was working she met a man about the age of her father and fell in love with him. This was 3 months ago and 4 months ago we were trying to have children. She has started a new job here a week ago where we life and have moved back here. Now she wants a divorce, she doesn’t love me and she doesn’t want to be the provider anymore. The work she is doing here is not good for her health, she has a illness. Now how do I compete with the OM, he played her very well against me. Small things like, I can’t do the word play you have in your own language, If I really wanted to learn the language I would have. How does it look to other people: I’m studying and she is working and paying for everything so I am just using her. We made a plan for me to study. This will be my second education but with great prospects. She knows that when I can I will provide for her so that was the deal but now she doesn’t want her life on hold, she wants fun not a boring life and boring conversations.
She has been depressed and over worked and not getting pregnant in the town where she lived alone and this was the time that he used to turn her against me. I have neglected her big time but I was waiting for her to move back so that I can take care of her. She is in total denial and withdrawal and every thing I do is just pushing her into his arms. She does not want to talk about him and said that she doesn’t talk to him about me that she didn’t want me to know about him, so he has a good time. She knows that it is not an relationship that will last. Between them but she is getting some out of it that she needs at the moment (no pressure, no demands, good conversation). She does not believe in books to help because we “act” then. The MC will not tell her to love me again. All the little fights we ever had, how stupid they were comes up now and prove that she does not love me.
She doesn’t want to spend time with me, speak over the phone. She feels I am demanding and selfish what ever I do at the moment. She knows if we spend time together she will fall again and she doesn’t want that so she said that I have to move out or she will. She also does not want to spend time in our house, I think so that she will not be reminded of some of the good stuff. She is very guilty of the affair and that it happened to her mother and father. She does not think that we would ever be able to forget and forgive. I irritate her now because I am trying to fix her. I can see in her body language that she does not want to be close to me.
I have to move out, I can’t stand to see her this hurt and it is killing me. What can I do. I want to save the marriage. We have a lot going for us, same interest same humour, same goals. All the dreams. If we would meet some where with out our past we will fall in love like the first time. Again please help she is my soul mate, my reason for living.
How can I save it if I have to move out??

If you move out...
...you will surely be hurt.

Strongly consider a Plan A...
...maybe even read my post...Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.).

None of the Plans mentioned on this site are easy...
...if they were... this site would not exist.

If you are very new to this site...
...read the General Welcome.

You're early in this process...
...don't give up hope...
...once you give that up...it is over.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NSR

Thanks for the reply. But she said firmly that I must go or she will go. She feel dirty and bad when she sees me in this state. We will sell the house starting next week so she is determinate to divorce. She went nuts because the divorce papers did not arrive last week and I think she has gone on a boat cruise this weekend and I think it is with OM because she took all marriage pictures out and left her wedding ring here. This hurts just to write this. So how do I convince her that we should stay in the same house?

If she leaves...
...it's her decision.

You show strength and determiniation.
Others may call this stupidity...
...you've got to change your perspective.

Write her a love letter...
...freshen up the house with her favorite flowers...
...let her know you'd be willing to negotiate (on education)
...just don't give up yet.

Her 'feeling dirty and bad'...
...comes from her guilt.
This is all too common a reaction to the infidelity.
Don't let that eat away at you.

Put a hold on the sale of the house. You can do this? no?

Have you read about Plan A?

NSR

Yes I have read the plan and wanted to follow it but she wants out. She sees me forceing us to stay together as a selfish act/ demanding act. I know her she will do something stupid like just run away and give everything up. She said before she left that maybe we can see by the time the divorce is final (6 months) that what is going on. So does she mean it or does she just want me out? Or is she confused? I do not want this to become ugly, I have more to loose.

She's confused...
...big time.

Start on Plan A.

Give it a specific time limit.
...but commit to as good a Plan A as you can.

If anyone is going to lose...
...she will, if she gives up on the marriage.

NSR

Tell her you don't do divorce, only marriage. Tell her you love her and will do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Tell her that you will not help her end your marriage. Do you have to sell the house? Is your name on the deed? Stall, stall, stall. Do not lift a finger to help her with the divorce. She admits herself that this other relationship won't last. That is hopeful. Tell her you want to fix the marriage and that you have forgiveness in your heart. Tell her you know that you haven't been meeting her needs and that you will fix that. Ask her to work on the marriage with you. And even if she says no, Plan A it. Read and re-read Plan A. Finally, try moving over to General Questions II. There's a lot more traffic over there and invaluable help!

Good luck!

I have asked her for a month and she agreed. But now or on friday it was just to much to handel for her. I think she had the trip on her mind and how will she face me next week after this trip. I think that is what the problem is. Affriad I will ask questions. Do I move out on a trail basis just take same small stuff or am I being stupid? The question I asked her is what will make her happy and she said if don't live together.