Hi all,<P>I've been off on my own for the last couple of months so many of you may not be familiar with my story. Quick recap…<P>H of 12 years (we have 2 young children) had 6-month affair with coworker. Discovery in Jan. 99. H will have to leave his job next year, OW got position elsewhere in same organization. Affair continued after discovery. OW suicidal and admitted to hospital twice when H tried to end it. H moved in with OW once for short time. I threw H out one time when he was unable to end it. H finally got own apartment and asked for divorce in Aug. May or may not be still seeing OW - I don't ask, but assume he is. I have done plan A for most of this nightmare. H still job hunting and will likely move out of state. Since he moved out, we have been good "co-parents" but I have kept some distance (friendly, but not personal) emotionally. We do not do things as a family, we are not physically affectionate. We have had one "shopping" meeting with a divorce mediator, but otherwise, H never brings it up. He still has no job to move on to.<P>I have been working on me. I have good friends. Things to do each weekend. Am figuring out what I want for me in life. But…<P>I still love him. I do not want our marriage to end - though I know I will survive if it does. I was out of town this past few days and before I left and when I returned H and I have talked a lot (his folks have been here from out of town and he and they stayed at the house with the kids while I was gone). He seems to want to hang around, has told me he wants to spend time with me and I asked him why. He said he misses me, misses talking to me and I said I miss him too. Last night we gave each other good, long big hugs - the first in 2 months and it felt wonderful. I asked why he could be so open with me, why he wasn't afraid of it like I am. And he said I had every right to be afraid because he had hurt me. He did not seem to want to leave - but I almost pushed him out the door. I refuse to read too much in to this. I do not want to come unglued and appear needy - but I do not want to slam the door on him either. He has said before that he would never come back unless he could do so without looking back (on OW I assume). I do not think he is there yet. Any thoughts?<P>Starpony<BR>

starpony<BR>Good to hear from you!!!<BR>Is he starting to come out of the fantasy stage? I know how you feel about getting your hopes up. You are right to be careful.<BR>Just make him comfortable. Looks like that might be where he is starting.<BR>Enjoy each others company. And be HONEST with him about your feelings. If you are a little scared of this that's normal. Maybe he could be YOUR knight in shining armor. <BR>If he feels he can give something to you let him. Might be what he needs.<BR>Just rambling again but these are some thoughts. <BR>You're doing great. It may have been very good for him to experience the family thing again.<BR>Take care!

WS-<BR>Good to hear from you too! I really have missed you all. (did you see Lilly check in on my other thread?)<P>You do not ramble - or if you do, there is always something valuable in there. You are right, my H did need to be a knight in shining armour (still the only way I can understand the attraction to the crazy OW - I know you can relate). And me being strong, independent, etc could never really let him be that for me. <P>I DO enjoy his company. And we are both working on being comfortable - guess we'll just see where it goes...<P>Thanks for being here.<p>[This message has been edited by Starpony (edited September 28, 1999).]

Hi again Starpony, it's scary, that first sign of hopefulness isn't it. I've been very cautious myself and have not allowed the same pattern to continue. I remember we once talked about patterns.<P>Have you read Divorce Busting. It's really great. Show's you how to change patterns if something is not working. That's only logical. If somethings working don't fix it, if it isn't make changes. It also prepares you if it can't be fixed, that you will be okay.<P>I'm glad for you. Take it slow and easy okay! <P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lilly (edited September 28, 1999).]

Then just enjoy his company girl!!!!!!<BR>Like Lilly says - slow and easy. No matter what you are allowed to enjoy his company.<BR>Never say Never!<BR>I was just talking to a friend who has been through this. 1 year after divorce she is just starting to NOT hate her H. She had no support during it all. Now he is coming over to help around the house. GO FIGURE!!!<BR>One day at a time and no expectations.<BR>I am still scared. H's affair has been "over" for how many months. There isn't any black and white to this. <BR>Rambling AGAIN!!!!!<BR>Hi Lilly!!!<BR>Missed you too. How are you doing?<BR>

Hi wasstubborn, (sorry to butt in starpony), I've missed everyone too. Like Starpony I've been working on me and my family. Everyones in counceling. H moved out 2 weeks ago from the OW and is living alone and we are dating and just enjoy our time together.<P>He's going through withdrawal and I don't have to deal with it much, which I think is a lot better. I know it's not Harleys way, but that part was'nt working for us, so this attempt could not hurt anything.<P>Most people think I'm nuts and should give up, but I still love him, I know what he wants sooooooooooooooooooooooo! We'll see!<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR>

Hi Starpony,<BR> It's great to hear from you....I've thought alot about you and your situation. You sound STRONG.....and I think you are smart to take it slow and careful. I agree with Lilly that Divorce Busting is a good book ....Lu

Hi Starpony! I understand about the mixed messages. Sounds like you have been doing a much better job than me. I've been clinging, hanging on, arguing with him, and all it does is push him further away. I know this, but can't seem to stop. <P>Just keep it up! Don't push for explanations, and don't ask him how he's feeling.

Hey Starpony & Lilly, I've been wondering how you both are. I haven't been separated in awhile, H has been home for 7 weeks, but at one time planned to moved out Oct. 1, so there's that. I'm just not asking, though I'm feeling quite irked. I'm no help in interpreting mixed messages, but I'm getting them as well.<P>DB is a great book. I haven't taken any of my books out lately. There was about a six week period in Jul-Aug I carried DB, HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED by Chapman (that one is still in my briefcase), YOUR HUSBAND's MIDLIFE CRISES by Conway & HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris with me every day. Now I carry (and ignore) LIGHT HIS FIRE by Kriedman & CHANGE YOUR MAN by Weiner-Davis.<P>The last couple weeks I've been reading murder mysteries...

Lor, you're funny! I've been following you a bit and can tell you've gotten stronger. I used to read such varied stuff, got stuck in the save your marriage mode and I am slowly going back. I always still have one in my reading pile.<P>I hope your H sticks it out. I've decided if mine makes it he's going to get an apprecitive, loving wife and if not then someone else will because I have become self taught realtionship expert.(well I'm trying!)<P>------------------<BR>Lilly<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lilly (edited September 28, 1999).]

Hi Starpony...I've been away for a couple months as well. I was glad to see your post because it seems to me that your H is starting to come out of his fog and is starting to miss you. I remember my H behaving that way last December and January. One night he came to the door very emotional and asked me what would it take for me to let him come home. I gave him a laundry list as long as my arm and now, nine months later, he's done 90% of what he promised and has promised to fulfil the others by the holidays. I am hoping and praying for you that you will receive a humble H at your door asking you what will it take for you to let him come home.<BR>I should point out that I have not nagged him about the time frame with which he committed to repairing the marriage because I know that he has to find his way back in his own time. <BR>The first six months were awful. I didn't think we were going to make it. Then one day I couldn't stand the coldness, the push-pull, the I love you-I don't love you crap, the withdrawal and suddenly I snapped. I said, "OK. That's it. I can't take this anymore. Pack your **** and go back to the OW and leave me in peace." I left the house and went away with a girlfriend to the lake for the weekend. While I was gone, he changed. He really, truly changed back into my H...the way he once was before all this started. I got lucky I guess...or maybe it's true what they say that when you really mean it, they know. <BR>What I am trying to tell you and why I am telling you this is because I believe you are in the beginnings of a possible reconciliation because of the way your H is acting. He may want to come home and is testing the waters to see if you are receptive. I like that you are not acting needy..that's something I had a real problem with for a while that may have hampered our recovery for a while. If you let him come home, I hope he will be willing to eliminate all contact with the OW and acquiesce to any other issues or requests you may have because you have to start healing and get some security for yourself. I also want to let you know that the first few months will be difficult now and then. Sometimes you will be so blissed that he is home and he will seem loving and involved with you one day, then seem distant and cold the next. But that is just part of the process. It was very hard for me to go through it because I was so insecure and broken-hearted that I cried so much it made him feel so guilty that he would pull away from me even more. Sometimes I was my own worst enemy. I would become obsessed with the OW and bring her up and the ask a lot of questions and ask for reassurance...blah, blah, blah.<BR>Since June we have made incredible in-roads. We are so much like we used to be and in some ways better-I can hardly believe any of this happened to us. <BR>You've been through so much. I've been reading your posts for so long. You truly deserve your happiness and to have your family back and intact. I hope it will soon happen for you. It sounds like it may. It sounds similar to what happened to me. I hope I am right. God bless, Starpony. Be careful and be strong. You've suffered enough now it's time for him to come out of the fog and realize that you're the best thing that ever happened to him and that being without you is like a bird trying to fly with one wing.

As I said to catnip on her thread, this is better than a high school reunion, (which are usually hideous aren't they)! I am so encouraged and fulfilled to see all of our names here again. Regardless of whether the respective marriages are better or worse - we have all grown immensely. I see strong, capable, loving women, each committed to finding her own way and her own happiness. If you ever doubt it, go back and read your threads of 4-6 months ago…. I am in awe of all of us!!! <P>For those of you who are newer, I can only say that I know how bleak it looks now, how dead you feel, how deep the pit is you feel you have somehow stumbled into. But there is a way to heal - quite simply, time must pass and you must learn to know and love yourself - be the person YOU want to be, for you. Only then will the marriage follow, or it may not, but do not pass up the opportunity this terrible, painful crisis provides to change your life for the better. <P>WS - You have so many words of wisdom for us all. <P>Lilly- You go girl! Break those patterns!<P>Lor- I hope you continue to stay strong as your H's "decision" date looms. Please just keep checking on YOU, and be there for yourself first and foremost.<P>Lu - I look to you and your posts for guidance and inspiration on the recovery path. Thanks for sharing your ups and downs.<P>Ani- I feel I will soon be where you are sometimes, though my H has not yet filed. You seem so clear about what you want and I admire that immensely. It is hard and requires so much courage to maintain your commitment to your marriage in the face of his ambivalence. You are strong and smart and I trust you to know what is right for you.<P>Catnip- Thanks so much for sharing yourself with me and for your encouragement. I hope you are right about H coming out of the fog and fantasy. But more importantly, I have learned what I need and want - and you have helped me so much on that journey with your openness and honesty. You are a true success story in your own right. And I loved the imagery of a bird trying to fly with one wing….<P>Thank you all.<BR>