I'm too lazy/ tired to find my old thread.

I had done alot of exposing early on but most came to a flat fizzle. The one I had wanted to do was to tell OW's parents but didn't know where she stayed or her address.

Found it by accident one day in my comp as WH worked on it before he left me.

I wrote a short, straightforward, non-threatening letter informing them of the affair and who it's with and that the rel'ship she is having with him is making it impossible to save the marriage. And to pls encourage her to do the right thing to end the A.

Fallout prob began last nite when both of them came home from a company fair they were holding at a mall. Late last nite, I received desperate TM's from WH. The first asking me if I sent OW's parents a letter. I ignored it. He asked again, pleading me to reply. I replied only one word: yes.

Two subsequent TM's came in later.. asking me about my motive and stating that he thinks there's no possibililty of coming back to me. The second asking me where I got her address. Didn't reply to either and went to bed.

Early this morn, I get another long and v desperate sounding TM pleading me to leave OW's family alone (like what? I'm going to do like Chucky and go for them with a steak knife?) and asked if I was trying to take revenge. Then, he reiterated again (more strongly this time) that he'll NEVER return to the marriage, even if she leaves him now, and that he's tried to do what's necessary in the sep deed and he's financially drained (no money, still want huney). And he ended with we shld have divorced straight away instead.

I ignored this msg too.

He doesn't even have the guts to call me and talk to me over the phone. He text messages! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I believe I might even get a long and terse email later.

Surprisingly, I'm feeling really calm.

It is the last exposure that I had wanted to do.. and prob needed to do. I don't really think of much on whether the marriage gets saved in the end. It's something I had to do so that I wldn't regret not ever doing it and start to second-guess myself in the future.

~A

Ashley!! I'm so proud of you!!!

No matter what happens, you'll know you did everything you could.

So in other words, your WH said blah, blah, blah. It's the same thing they all say. I have a list somewhere. I'll look for it. But it is so funny how their EXACT words can be predicted, every time.

Thanks for the support and ur help, Pebbles.
Yes, I wanted to know that I did everything I possibly could. And when the time comes, if it comes, to be able to live on with self-assurance, peace and dignity.

Believer - yep. It's yadda yadda yadda... that's why I tuned off.

~A

Good job, Ashley! I got a chuckle out of your WH's response, it is SOOO textbook! lol

Thanks MelodyLane.

I went to church and got another TM. WH wants to "meet up to discuss" tomorrow.
What's there to discuss. He is still with her and he is sooooooo confident abt divorce.

I haven't replied yet, but I am going to reply that it's not necessary to "meet up and discuss" and I have got a prior engagement tomorrow.

~A

Other effects abt this exposure.

My sis thinks I shldn't have done it coz WH still owes me $. She is of the impression I did it because of revenge and it made me feel good. And that her parents will 'find out about it one day anyway'.

Mom is worried that he might force me to take over his share of the apartment loan and as we are financially tight now, we can't afford to do so.

Thoughts anyone?? (Sometimes family members can be the least supportive.)

I am clear in my heart/mind that i'm not doing it because of revenge. It is because the A needs to see the light of day and OW hasn't had the oppor to face the consequences. Besides, if their love for each other is so strong and so special, my short simple exposure letter shld have an effect less than a speck of dust, and I might have in fact 'helped them along' and made their rel'ship more legitimate.

Whatever it is, I will deal with things and the repercussions of my actions as they come.

~A

that sounds like the right attitude to have. all we can do is the right thing... whan happens next isn't always up to us, we just have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

hope the financial situation doesn't force you to do something you'll regret in the future. this kind of thing is always financially tough on all parties involved. I alone have spent close too $900 (im deployed to Iraq so phone and internet time cost top dollar) in one month doing a very productive (so far) plan A. All this while trying to save up for retirement, and my future after i leave the military. Its tough, but its paying off so far, and in the end i think any price will be worth it.

hiya ray3, thanks for your response. Yes, I'll deal with things as they come coz I have no idea what will happen tomorrow.. or even the next minute.

Currently, I did go into great thought and lengths to try to protect me and my parents (they are my dependants) financially as much as possible in the legal separation deed. So the major stuff shld be covered unless he goes into bankruptcy which doesn't seem to be too unlikely as he has no savings,

That is why I'm trying to be financially independant but been trying to get a full-time job since May and no luck. I was retrenched from a very well-paid job a couple of yrs back. Meanwhile, my small online biz keeps us going and I managed to get a part-time gig this month (and maybe the next) and I have ample savings to last for awhile.

Anyhow, I had replied to say that there's no need to discuss and I will only speak to the man I married not the person he's become. He had replied saying that in that case, he hopes I'd leave him alone and we go our sep ways as there's really NO HOPE for the marriage (how many times does he need to repeat that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> .. for my sake or for his??), and that he's sorry he can't face it (whatever that means...!

I assume he means can't face Ground Zero he had created.

I am really beginning to feel sorry for him coz he still doesn't geddit. And you know, how far can he run and avoid????

~A

U R absolutely right about exposing. BTW, let him know that if that A of his is soooo good, why wouldn't the exposure help? Thought he wanted everyone to know how miserable he is treating his family vs the A. I mean, isn't that what A's are all about? Then throw at him.... 'WS, r u trying to paint a different picture to different people? If so, well I as the BS did not know. Please tell me who you are telling what so I know how many stories and which people are being fed which propaganda.' LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I did that line to the WS in my case...... that one slammed a hole into that A. See in reality the A isn't all 'bout the xex. Nope, they take a lot of their 'together' time planning and scheming ways to enable their A. Of course that includes ways to hurt or undermine the family.

So I reverse babbled and told the WS, if it is sooo important to hurt his family over this A, then heck, whole world ought to know. After all, isn't a it a good A thing? Then I told my H, forgive me but I don't get how it is a good thing but hey, I can certainly let others know and maybe someone out there will explain it to me. LOL!!! Another punch in the fog!!! Oh yea..... .those punches left their mark, those holes never really closed up good after that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Orchid, yr H must be alittle stronger than my WH. He's as weak as anything at this moment. If I can prob reverse babble but if I were to say things in a tone any harsher, he'd prob run even further. I admonished him about finances one of the nights when he was still bunking in the study.. that was when I found out some of the debts he had chalked up without my knowing... and the next thing you know, he cldn't face me anymore and holed himself up at his friend's place and has been staying there ever since. He even lived in 2-3 pcs of clothing for like a week.

Now, maybe I'm in an over-analysing mood again.. but for those WS/ FWS (or any wise ones) out there..

I know it's standard WS script but why do some of the WS repeat constantly abt there not being 'any hope of the marriage'??? Is this really true in their minds? Or does repeating it to the BS make them believe it to be more true? Or the statements mere justifications...or that they are too guilty/ in pain to face the music and to even think/ see of hope? A mixture of all the above?

Coz frankly, I'm baffled.

~A

Ashley,

They repeat the "no chance" mantra because it works on most BS's and their current level of self esteem. While you are doing well, your question shows the true state you are in.

On the other hand, have you noticed that the most control you attain and the greatest paranoia that your WH exhibits, is when you STOP COMMUNICATING WITH HIM.

That my dear, is a preview of the power of a well run Plan B.

Best of luck, you are in my prayers.

Actually Cymanca, we have already stopped almost all communication since July. We only had very limited contact re: finances since then. There has been NO TALK or interaction about marriage, rel'ship, love, OW, etc since he moved out in July. There's been no phone calls, no accidental meetings.. because we have no children.

His other communication only came due to my last bout of this exposure to OW's parents which got him into a frantic mode. Because he thinks I'm taking revenge on Her and that I'm going to act like a mad woman and harass Ow's family. (How little he thinks of me.. it's sad.) As he's again reiterated about going our sep ways, and I've chosen not to respond or discuss in person, we have fallen back to no exchange of words. (Unless there's a necessity to talk about $ and joint property.)

There's nothing much of a power play coz there's been basically no play for almost half a yr.

My WH even though he spouts the WS mantra is unlike many of the WS here. No drama, no talk, no push/ pull. Basically up and leave. And silence.

~A

Ashley,

Sorry, but I truly did not get that idea from your above post. It appeared that he still had the POWER to get a response from you if he pushed it.

As for the money and joint property, my answer would be " Talk to my lawyer".

As for the no drama, don't kid youself, this little puppy is in for much more and he knows it, hence his reaction to your recent exposure.

With his reaction and your absolute silence, I would be willing to bet that YOU will eventually have the last word on this M succeeding or failing.

Be strong. Be silent.

Ashley,

Your WH sounds so much like my SW. Have you talked to the fine folks at MB about your situation? In my case, since we have no kids, Steve has recommended something a bit different than the standard Plan A/Plan B course of action.

I think we talk a little more than you and your WH, but otherwise I feel like my situation is very similar to yours. My W is about to feel some of the nasty effects of exposure spreading through the small town where we attend school. It's my job to sit back and let nature take its course with her A.

I haven't exposed to OM's parents. Hmm, I would like to... sort of, but I'm just following Steve's words to the letter.

Take care.

i'm not in the USa, and simply cannot afford extraneous bills at this moment. WS had almost wiped me dry and had hidden yrs of debts from me. That's why I had to quickly go for legal sep and protect as much of my finances and savings as possible. I'm struggling to prolong loan repayment for this roof I'm staying in as long as possible.

I've been trying to find a job since May and probably sent out over 180 resumes but to no avail. The job situation here for middle-aged prof'ls is dire. I seem to be overqualified for lots of jobs. WH is not providing much since he's in debt himself. Plus I have my parents as my dependants. They have no savings or property of their own.

So nope. I can't afford lawyers, counselling, etc. I'm living day to day and whenever I get thru one, I pray and thank God..

However, I'll be interested to hear what modified plan you were advised on.

~A

Cymanca, just wanted to say thank you for your last post. And helping me see things in another stronger, more positive way. That helped.

~A

{{{Ashley}}}

Have you had any news about jobs recently?

BTW - how's your little dog? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm still thinking about getting one, though I know it's not practical. Unconditional love *sigh*.

Alph.

Still no luck yet Alphin. I'm still trying and trying.

My dog is still as spunky as ever. She's got a whole lot of attitude going on even at 14 yo!

~A

Hi Ashley,

No advice....just support...and

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Ashley}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}