I have been learning lately that me being lovable has nothing to do with the love of another person. I am trying not to measure my worth as a lovable person based on the actions of another person...but based on my own thoughts about myself...

Hi Ashley.

I think much of what you are feeling is tied in with not being able to get a job thusfar.

When you do finally manage to get one (and you will!) much of what you are currently feeling about yourself and your sitch will be more positive.

It must be terrible feeling that WH has abandoned you and your parents, and that your finances are in such a mess due to his poor choices.

Once you have secured a job, this burden will be alleviated, and your confidence will increase. You will meet new challenges and new people - you will feel so much better about yourself, and life in general.

Thinking of you, Ashley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I'll respond more later concerning the "feeling unloveable" thing.

I've just got a reply that I can't get a govt loan as I do not have a stable form of income. Sigh.

I really have no idea where we are to stay after this apartment is sold.

~A

I went to the govt dept and spoke to an officer, and there's a possibility of me getting the loan, if I can get an accountant to certify my income. I may be able to use the income frm the internet biz I've been running. So there may be hope of us being able to get a smaller govt housing.

As for the "feeling unloveable" discussion, I do not think it's tied to the job status. I've been running my own online biz and even though income is small, it's been growing a little. I do need a job tho' to tide over some of the cr card bills WH chalked up on my card, and to get our feet back together. And I'm intending to still upscale the online biz to a level where I can subsist on it solely in the future. This is because the job market here is weak for middle-aged prof'ls and retrenchment/ job displacement is getting more rampant.

It's probably tied to some inner fear that everyone probably feels that you are unloveable. It could very well be false thinking caused by fear of being alone. Or that even though I had tried v hard to be a good & supportive wife, I just wasn't enough. And that the things I believed or stood in, wasn't in reality accepted by my WH. That he didn't really love who I was or stood for or believed in.

That's the core of it.. and I'm trying to re-train my mind to think differently so that I can continue to move on and be the best and happiest as I can.

So StillHereMakingIt, when you say you measure your worth based on your own thoughts, what are the practical ways in which you continue to do that?

Hope everyone had a good Christmas despite our set of circumstances we have to face or facing.
I had a very quiet one but I was busy at a church bazaar two nites before for more than 12 hrs each day so I needed the rest!

Not a peep from WH at all. Not that is a surprise.

He probably wants to forget I exist. *shrug*

And he continues to stay silent as the debts continue to pile up. Wrote to him on how he was going to want to deal with a couple of bill statements. No reply. Typical. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This prob makes it easier for me to continue to put my mind and heart in sync towards a D.

I'm just hoping that when I file next yr, his inner ugliness won't take over and string me out financially again, by dragging it into an ugly court case.


Anyhow.. I'm still looking for a job.

This evening, I'm meeting a bunch of nice and new local friends for a Boxing Day dinner-get together.

BTW, Tomorrow's my birthday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm having a nice dinner with Mom. If this is one day I'll splurge, it's my bday! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


~A

ASHLEY:

If you know anything at all about me, I guess you might have guessed that I don't think you should GIVE UP...

However, I certainly respect your choice in this..it is your life..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

thank you mimi.

I just think there's v little one can do except move on when you have a WS who no longer communicates with you.. and to add on to that, sends you a legal letter to ensure you keep out of his affairs and treating you like you are a psycho stalker.

As each day passes, I see him fading more and more into a distant memory.

If this were the last 24 hours of my life, I wld still be deciding on the same thing.

Still no reply to him as to what to do with the debts. This is getting annoying.

~A

Nothing much to report. As non-contact is going on as it has been for the last 8 mths or so.

A cpl of days ago, he did finally reply to my email sent on 20th Dec re: debt statements that I've received. He replied with a one-liner that he was broke and will contact his lawyer to discuss instalment payments.

Maybe all this out-of-sight-out-of-mind thing works. I have found lately that I do not think of him as much anymore. I'm moving on. My mind is getting in sync with my heart.

And I'm allowing myself to do so and not hold on to too much of the past or its memories.

Coz I deserve so much more.

~A

Hey Ashley!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Christmas as MIL's was kinda surreal - but the girls had a good time, which is the important thing. Spoke to a lot of STBX's relatives (including FBS BIL) who all said that STBX is really stupid and throwing his life away - but we all knew that already, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I also found out that he and Omelette definitely want to get married and have children. Hearing this just made me shrug - a few months ago I'd've been in floods of tears - but now I just feel kinda sorry for any kids they might produce in their phoney union. More pain for the innocents, somewhere along the line. But it isn't my problem, right?

I'm still not quite at the place where I feel I can interact with STBX in a stress-free way - so I'm still dark. I'm getting there fast, though. I don't even mind now that the girls are having fun round at his place with the OW. They are having lunch around there today. It's better than them being miserable over there, right?


Yes, you do. We both do. Being alone, I've decided, is better than being with STBX. He's not good enough for me any more.

Take care.

Alph.

Hey Alph


Maybe I'm cynical, but I wonder if pple just say that coz they know that's what you want to hear. I mean, after awhile, as time goes on, pple forget.. and they accept the other party and everything's "fine".
I'm sure it'll be this way with my MIL and BIL. WS and OW will get married and have kids and all will be "forgotten".
The in-laws don't even contact me on a usual basis. So even when this thing has happened, there was just that one last phone call to clarify my side of the story and done's done. I was an outsider and will always be one. I have never felt like part of WH's family.

They don't even have the courage to intervene, even though they were shocked to hear about his A and his actions. All smoke and no action. Cowards.


I've seen alot of OP's get married and they stay for along time.. it may seem phoney to us, but really? I don't quite know. They may have their own demons and problems to deal with but whether it's any worse or lesser than normal married couples, I don't know either.

Whatever it is, all I know is I'm moving on regardless... Priority is still getting a job, getting the finances in order, healing.. and then I'm poised to fly and take the skies.

I have alot of dreams, desires... I love new experiences (even though some of them may be bad). Many things I want to do, places I want to go. I have no children.. do not desire to have any. When I'm old, and if my memories still serve me, I do want to remember and know that I have lived a glorious past. With lots of stories to tell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Only one life to live..

~A

It seems to me that very few relationships are entirely guilt-free. Heck, my own M began with the betrayal of my long-term BF! I've never been totally convinced by the 3% survival rate for affairs, either. I also know of many couples who have got together through an affair - and stayed together.

I do know, however, that for people with any kind of conscience (and I count myself among them!) the betrayal of someone you love (or even once loved, but still care about) is a demon that stays with you forever. I know that my betrayal of my BF, at age 20 (no kids, never lived together, etc) has been the biggest regret of my life. I will never forget what I did to him, and not a day goes by without me wondering about him and hoping things are good for him. Wondering too: 'what if I had stayed'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't know any more if STBX has this kind of conscience. He isn't the man I knew any more, and so I can't say. I am certain, however, that he uses everything he can to justify his recent actions, and that includes exposure. The exposure I did - pretty heavy duty - made him very angry, and he and OW were able to justify their actions to each other (and their families) even more. In short, I think that, in my case, exposure erased any feelings of guilt STBX had about me. His feelings of guilt regarding what this has done to our children, of course, are a different matter. They seem to be OK at the moment, everything is fun and lovely when they visit him and OW, so maybe there's no guilty feelings there either.


Yeah, I know it. STBX and OW definitely want to get married and have kids - I found this out over Christmas. MIL would never leave their child out in the cold, and would welcome OW into the family 100% when such children arrived. I don't blame her at all - how could I? I know that STBX is a good father - despite what he has done. OW will probably be a good mother, too. They will love their children that they have together. MIL and FIL will be happy for them, and all that has happened will be forgiven and forgotten.

Only one life to live, yes. I thought it would be with STBX, but the chances of that now are slimmer than the chances of he and OW staying together - less than the holy 3% for sure! The only thing I would still like - and perhaps even this won't matter any more in time - is a 'sorry'. But I'm not holding my breath.

Take care, Ashley.

Alph.

I get what you mean Alph.. but regardless of that you have somehow moved on from that old rel'ship too.. and now have two lovely D's.. and that you know your life has already taken a diff path. We as humans, do tend to look at the past with misty rosy-coloured glasses.

And that's how it might be for many affair-marriages too. They will take it in stride and move on regardless. I see my WH already doing that the day he decided to walk out the door. If they make up their minds, they will do so. The power of the mind is a powerful thing. He was never sitting on the fence like so many WS's here.

Alph, you may find that even a "sorry" may not be enough after you've heard it. I've heard that alot of times in the few days after D-Day, and sometimes in emails/ TM's. But they no longer hold any meaning to me.

Today, I was sitting in the bus and was pondering .. I feel strong. I no longer need a sorry. I don't need more drama (not that there was much to begin with). I don't need closure. It's already closed.

We have both already taken diff paths the day he decided to betray my trust. And I'm not just talking abt the A. I'm mainly referring to his slow, deliberate and selfish deceptions concerning out finances. It's something I hold far worse a betrayal than the A itself.


~A

It's been 8 mths since D-Day. No changes whatsoever to my situation.
The more this continues, the more my mind and heart are in sync towards a D.

I'm just stalling it coz I want to get a job and resolve some financial issues first. I haven't got a job and yet I need to foot most of the bills like house loans, etc. It's ridiculous. He still hasn't even given me the Dec maintenance amt.. and when asked, ignores my requests completely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thank God for "No Dramas" though.. makes it easier for me to move on and move on quickly.


~A

Hi Ashley.

No changes here either - but like you I'm glad I'm not having to put up with any drama from STBX.

Sorry about the maintenance though. I guess he's really broke, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I'm actually quite lucky in my STBX. Apart from the initial horrible abandonment, he's actually behaved quite well, for a WS. He hasn't abandoned the kids. He's paid for the bills and mortgage since he left. He hasn't gone 'psycho' on me with strange phonecalls/threatening behaviour etc. I asked him to leave me alone, and he has! I was disappointed at first, hoped he would try and get in touch, but he didn't, and after nearly 5 months of NC now I'm glad of it.

If he still loved me at all, he would have tried to contact me at some point, but he hasn't and I can accept what that means. I no longer love him.

How are your parents doing, Ashley? And your little dog, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hey Alph.. how are you doing?

My parents and doggie are doing OK. Thanks for asking.

WS finally replied that he'd "TRY" to get the Dec's maint to me this Wed. We'll see if that comes to pass. I had to text him as he ignored my emails. And even with that, he took 2 days to get back to me.

I had an offer to do a dead-end boring kind of temp job. The hourly rate is low... and I will have to give an answer
to them by Tues. Meanwhile, yesterday I was called in for a last min interview for a full-time job... I dunno if I should hold out for a better more permanent offer for awhile. The market seems to be opening up abit more this yr.

~A