" Isn't it possible that secretly they could have wished they wouldn't have "

I have a co-worker, Clara, who is also an RNP ~and~ she's a LMFC as well. (counselor)

I adore her. She and I live close to each other and we often go to the same educational confrences, so we car pool a lot. When we car pool we talk ... and I use her as a sounding board.

We had more problems with our son than I can ever tell you about. Whatever misery you brought into your home, multiply it by a thousand ... we're talking 8 psych hospitalizations, self-cutting, animal kicking, runaway, drugs, sex, making threats to girls, fire setting .... .

So this one ride with Clara, I was venting about our latest kid crisis and I shared that I felt guilty for how our son was acting out, and felt it reflected on what a crappy mother I was . Clara's kids are older. None adopted. She and her H are very religious conservative people. Her eldest daughter gave them heII too. She got hooked up with a bad kid as a boyfriend ... a GANG BANGER her church had taken under their wing ... and she got pregnant by this guy and he used to hit her .... and she kept going back to the boyfriend everytime he'd get out of jail.

So Clara was very understanding of how a parent feels like a miserable failure when a kid is falling into the abyss.

We had to actually pull off the freeway because during this conversation we were laughing so hard tears were streaming down our faces !!!

Why were we laughing? Because we both confessed the same thing ... that during our horrible kid crisis(es) we both held a secert wish that the kid's problems were not behavioral but were medical ... because we would feel less ashamed about asking for help ... and at least then, what was happening would not be OUR fault for being lousy mothers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Clara said : "I used to secretly wish DD had cancer instead of an illigitimate baby with a dangerous criminal who hits her and threatens to have his gang members kill our entire family"

This struck both of us soooo funny ... we actually had to get off the road until we better composed ourselves .... we shared our blackest mother-hearts with each other and found we were not alone in our horribleness !!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

so ... without a doubt, your mother may have wondered why God entrusted ~you~ into her care when it was painfully obvious that she herself was not a good enough mother to give you what you needed .... she may very well have wished briefly that you had been adopted by someone else who had more skill and fortitude to get the job done right. She likely had moments when she just did not ever think she could pull it off without causing YOU more damage.

But, as my story points out .... this happends with non-adopted kids as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

does it sound less horrible when I say it, or when Clara says it?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I guess I meant regret, not because of the way I behaved, but because they thought they couldn't have children and it turned out they could.

Your story does help me understand how my mother must have felt, dealing with me. She probably very inadequate. I really hate that. What a shame, that as it turns out...she wanted to love me and did and I really did want her. Neither of us knew what to do. I find that very sad.

What was hard for me reading primal Scream was this

accepting that I am never going to be ~enough mother~ for these kids

and by that I mean

they have this wound whether I like it or not

and no amount of my loving or making fewer mistakes as a parent will ever close that wound

and it also did something else ... it eased my guilt ... I wasn't enough... however, it was NOT because my heart was not right ... but because this Primal Wound preceeded me and was not made by me

I wrote a letter on Mother's Day and sent it to our son who at the time was living in his second residential home ... it's a letter to his birth Mom .... It was a very tearful "thank God for you" type of letter ... when I locate it on my puter ... I'll copy it to this thread

Hey! If you want an adopted kid to REALLY feel rejected ~~~> send him away twice to group homes !!!! YOU have no idea how hard this was for us to place him ... and he earned every second he spent in group .... talk about "testing your adopted parents" .... it was horrific to hear him say "WHY did you adopt me if you keep sending me away to group homes?"

nevermind he was like living with a terrorist!

BTW ... he's living with us now and doing very well ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I am NOT a horrible mother ... but I am certainly imperfect ... and made a lot of errors ... but sending him to group was NOT an error !!!! Our daughter was in danger ....

NOW they fight like regular kids .... and I mostly butt out of their little tiffs with each other coz it is non-threatening

I would like to butt in here and just say...that I really like this thread. For a lot of reasons. I have a teenage daughter, I think that it would help us if I told her that it is not her, it is me..I feel inadequate when she messes up. I have tried to tell her this, but not a articulately as that! She is 15, when she was 13 she got involved with this boy (who I really care about) who was into pot, and then worse. They got drunk, he stole a bottle of vodka and they drank it all in less than an hour. She ended up in the hospital that night - they had been at his house and walked to the store, he had called his parents cause she was passed out and he dropped her twice- with a .32 BAC!! Talk about scaring the b'jesus out of a mom. I think that I told the police man who came to my house that he was WRONG, they could not be talking about my daughter. That drive to the hospital, 30+ min away, well, you can imagine. And they won't tell you anything over the phone, I guess you know that Pepper. And Pep, I cannot even imagine what you have gone through!

Anyway, I also wrote a post out last night at about 2 AM for you froz and lost my connection. I HATE dialup. I saved it, but I don't know if it is even appropriate now. In a nutshell, my father was not there for me/us both before and esp after the divorce. My mother, well that is a long story...And my daughter's biodad doesn't give even a little poop about her..I think I can understand a lot about the rejection and turmoil of adoptees, even without being adopted. I hope you understand that I am not belittling your sitch at all, just I felt my dad's rejection most of my life. And my mom's, only not physically.

I hope you don't take that the wrong way. I have read and thought about this thread alot already. Of course, I have always liked you froz (and Pep, what's not to like), you seem so "real" to me and I almost always read your threads, even if I don't post.

jls

JLS

I am sure this thread may very likely "trigger" others who've had bad childhoods... and I think it is useful to look back briefly ... but not to dwell there for any longer than it takes to gain understanding ... because a crappy childhood does not automatically mean a crappy life ... there are adult choices that are liberating in the sense of getting on with the business of living well ... in the moment

Yes, yes, Pep. I have moved on, mostly. And besides, I really didn't have a crappy childhood. I don't really think of it that way, just those portions. But is also helps with my daughter. She is so much not wanted by her biodad (who my friends call sperm donor). I want her to rise above it all, and to do it quicker and better than I did! Like that line in YA-YA sisters..The mom says that she "just always wanted to be a little smarter and better" and than she realized that that's what her daughter was, her a little better..... something like that!

Pep,

I'm confused. What are you referring to when you say "Primal Scream"?


Thanks in advance for sharing it. I'll probably have a pretty strong emotional reaction, but I'd like to read it.



I can really relate to how he felt. I was sent away to Chemical Dependency treatment centers - once at 13 and once at 16 - even though my parents KNEW I did not have a drug problem. I had never even tried drugs. They went on family vacations without me, sent me away when I was pregnant with my daughter. My mom even threatened to make me a ward of the state. I guess that was a different twist on that saying "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it."

JL -



Appropriate or not, I'd like to read it.



Belittling? I would NEVER think that! If you relate...you relate. Besides, I already said that I LOVE being understood!


Wonder how long that may take. I know there are some here who probably believe I just thrive on dwelling in this crap. That isn't true. I've just "moved on" so many times in my life that I can't sweep all of this under the rug anymore. There is NO MORE ROOM under my rug!

Frozen,

You don't know me but if you would like another book recommendation pick up [color:"blue"]"Journey of the Adopted Self" by Betty Jean Lifton[/color].

Pep,

Giving you a wave.

oaktown

Thanks so much, Oaktown. I'll get it tomorrow.