Hello all,
I've been "lurking" here for a couple months & decided to finally introduce myself & ask for some guidance. I'll try to give my story in a nutshell so this isn't a novel...

Married 22 years to a man who has become a very well-functioning alcoholic. Three "kids" who are now grown for the most part. All at home, but two of them will be gone next year (1 to college, 1 just leaving the nest). I have been unhappy (probably mostly due to the drinking) for years & have given up on H ever giving up drinking. We've had these "discussions" so many times over the years w/no long-term change, that I decided I had to give him a final chance, which turned into an ultimatum this summer. Either quit drinking, or I'm done in the marriage. He chose drinking as no one was going to "change" him! He said he still loved me & wanted to be "friends". I was shocked & devestated -- I really thought he would try to quit drinking & fight for the marriage when it really came down to this.

We spoke (together) w/a lawyer & pretty much agreed on the division of assets. Since I wanted H out of the house within 30 - 60 days, he decided to buy a house & asked me to refi our home so that he could have his equity out for his new home. I really questioned him on this saying I thought getting an apt or staying w/relatives might be a better short-term solution to see how he liked living apart, but he wouldn't hear of it. So I did as he asked & now we have been living separately each in our own homes for the past 3 months.

I filed for divorce in early August & it could be final if I finish up the paperwork re: settlements, etc. The problem/question I have for all of you is this. After my H moved out & was only out a few weeks, he had this major transformation & decided that he doesn't want the divorce. He quit drinking & has been begging me to take him back. I have been going to counseling for the past 5 months to work through my part in this relationship (co-dependecy) & am having a huge problem seeing this transformation as a "real". He isn't attending AA & just quit going to counseling. He does seem sincere, but I just can't get past all the hurt he's put me through for the past 20+ years, plus the choice he made this summer. I've been trying to think positive, but I can't let myself get too close to him. Anyone with any suggestions?

Welcome. I sure wish he would go to AA. That would really make a difference for me.

Have you gone to Alanon? That might be very helpful. If I were you, I would take my time, and watch what happens with him. If the divorce goes through, you can always get married again, if he has truly changed.