How are you?

Did you have your session with Steve Harley?

What did he have to say?

Oh my, a page for little, ole me???? It's been a busy weekend. I just finished giving my mom a birthday (#88) party. My brother and I told Mom to invite whomever she'd like and we ended up with 17 people, all relatives and my inlaws. It turned into a big potluck with my brother and I providing the main courses. For November, it was an extremely mild and pleasant day. Everybody ended up sitting and eating on our big deck. DS started a fire in our firepit to take off the chill. We had a great time. The only problem was that we couldn't keep the birthday candles lit.

WH must have found out about the party from his folks. WH called DS and invigled an invitation. I'm afraid I snapped a bit at DS. This would be such a typical WH thing. My point to DS was that his father cannot turn off and on his family. You either participate in family activities or you don't. My feelings are that WH wanted to be here because his parents would be here. WH could play the part of good son/husband/father/son-in-law. He certainly took no part in celebrating his daughter's birthday. Of course, WH didn't show up. It was really hard to see DS's feeling of resignation and the realization that his dad can't be depended on.

Okay, that's probably the "How are you" part.

I did have an appointment with SH. I was unable to keep my original time because Steve ran over with somebody. I need to get to work and didn't want to be rushed. Instead, the next day, I had 5 am appointment. Brutal but upbeat enough that I really didn't feel that tired all day.

Steve feels that I need to do a very strict Plan B. One of our goals is to get WH to talk to SH. I think Steve would like to get some kind of reading from WH.

SH has asked me to request that WH make an appointment with him. I sent it in an email saying that Steve would like WH's perspective on things so that he can counsel me more effectively and perhaps also answer WH's questions about our marriage. Steve requested I send the email every other day for a week. MB's will let me know if and when WH does set up an appointment.

After the first email, I got one back saying that WH had been trying to call MB but kept getting a phone message. Did I know the best time to try? I emailed back that he just needed to keep trying.

I should have sent out another email yesterday but didn't. To me, it doesn't seem as effective to sent the email when the MB office is not open to take calls. I will have one in WH's in box in the morning.

Other than that, it's been strict Plan B.

There has been a plus side to things. Without WH around to be crabby, my kids and I are being invited to more family events. My kids are meeting more of my relatives. As my daughter said after one very fun picnic, "I didn't even know I had these cousins!"

This afternoon, one of my cousins told me that her mom (my aunt) had told her that my husband had left. I said that he might show up and that if I introduced him as my cheating husband, she'd understand. She laughed and said, "Bring it on!" I am so glad that I have rediscovered that part of the family.

Another strange but odd thing happened today. Yesterday, an email came in from WH's uncle in another state. This uncle is the chatty type. He sent an upbeat message with a picture of his newest granddaughter, bits of family news, knowledge that WH was back from his trip and requested info on our family. Lovely message but one thing became very apparent:

THESE GOOD FOLKS DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH WH!

I sent a gentle email back with a family update. I added that surely, MIL (his sister) had told them that WH was not living with us. (My God, it's been nearly a year.) I gave them a short, factual, unemotional (hopefully) synopsis of the situation.

This morning, I got another email back. They were flabbergasted! These folks email and talk on the phone to my Inlaws all the time. My inlaws have stayed at their house twice in the past few months. Not once were they given any indication that anything was less than perfect in our family. They said it had happened before when my BIL's marriage went bad. They sent their love and prayers but asked that I not say anything to my inlaws.

Perhaps I should give my Inlaws something with an ostrich motif for Christmas. It's so apparent that the conflict avoiding acorn (WH) certainly didn't fall far from the conflict avoiding tree.

GG - my in-laws have kept things very guarded from the rest of the family. My WH's siblings only found out in June and none of the extended family know. They are wonderful, kind folks who are great to me and their grandchildren. They are so upset and embarrassed by their son's behaviour and I think they feel it is best left unsaid. Their biggest hope is that this will all just 'go away' and that we'll all get back together and nobody will ever have known.

It doesn't bother me because I'm not that close to the aunts, cousins etc. I am very close to the direct family and hope I can always count on their support. Who knows. Blood is thicker than water (yet another of those strange but true sayings that suddenly take on a whole new meaning!). tt

Grape:

Great to hear from you..

I want to encourage you to follow Steve's advice..

Looking back, it was key for Steve to have the opportunity to speak with my H. He was able to gain a lot of insight from those conversations with him, helped me immensely when he was coaching me...

For a long time, I've believed that getting WH to talk to Steve is very, very important. I'm pretty sure that WH hasn't got much of a support system. Any relationship advice he is getting is either from OW or his bar friends. WH has made sure that all of the decent, married people he knows do not know about the situation. I'd bet that he's being told as much to dump me as some of my friends tell me to dump him.

Steve has such a calm, rational manner. WH can appreciate that. I'm quite interested in what kind of conversation they would have. My gut feeling is that a lot hinges on this.

I just sent WH another email requesting him to schedule an appointment. Hopefully, it will be at the top of his inbox when he gets to work.

Mimi, thanks for being patient with me.

This just in....WH has an appointment with Steve tomorrow morning.

Stay tune for further updates.

Good for you grape--would love to counsel with SH and have WH talk to him but money is an issue at this point so tryign the Plan B.

Very excited for you grape--hope that it goes well for you.

I hope it works out. WH has been wishy-washy about calling Steve since August. I'm probably placing too much reliance on any counseling session. There are 2 things I'd like from this. A) For WH to hear one other person in the world to say "What the HECK are you doing?" B) To see if Steve can gain any insight to WH's side of the story and apply this perspective to my counseling.

I do not know where this is all going. All I know is that this is about the last step on my list of things that might help save my marriage. Well, counseling and an extremely dark Plan B.

This is a breakthrough! Wow!

I don't want to jump the gun, but if this works out down the road--he is truly a lucky man to have such a devoted and centered woman at his side!!

I have a great deal of respect for the BSs on this board, like you, who have stuck it out and followed-through. It demonstrates a lot of courage and says a lot about your integrity.

Good luck to you!