... When my son (4) gets back from the weekend with his father, I am hurt again... My son is usually sad on these Sundays, therefore that makes me sad too... I also see his wish to stay longer with his dad... and I know my son loves me, but seeing him torn, and so much loving his dad.. OK, I admit, that makes me jelaous too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

How do I cope with this?
What activities do I do with my son to get him back? (He very rarely asks for him, just these Sundays...)
Any book (guide) for these moments and these feelings and this age of a child?

Please, any thought would be greatly appreciated.

hi there,

"What activities do I do with my son to get him back? (He very rarely asks for him, just these Sundays...)"

Not sure what you are asking here, what do youmean ... to get him back?

I guess my advise is just to plan some "together" time, that you can do consistently, and just the two of you.

My kids and I do a "picnic party". We have either frozen pizza or chicken nugges (easy finger food) and eat on a blanket in the living room watching TV. They absolutely LOVE this tradition, and it's new and something just for "us". Is that what you were looking for?

cm

Hi Country mama!

Yes, I meant something like that. Heard it should be the same, 'tradition', when he gets back...

What I meant by 'get him back' is... he's OK living with me and he knows we live in OUR home... to get him back means - to make him feel happy and stable and full of joy as he usually is...

Thanks!

My kids are young like yours, 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. I'm learning that while they don't really miss me too much when they're gone, they really don't miss Dad that much during the two weeks they're with me either.

My struggles are mainly with how lenient he is with them. He lets them do lots of stuff that I don't allow, and of course since they're only with him 4 day a month, most of that time is play time. Much different than a single working mom who needs young children to help with laundry and clearing dishes and pickin up toys and on and on and on.

I guess thats why I like our picnic parties so much. There are NO chores to be done (paper plates) and we just have fun!

cm

I would suggest you don't do anything "to get him back" Instead be there to support and validate his feelings. Make your home a safe, loving place.

Of course he loves and misses his Dad. He also loves you very much and misses you when he's away from you. Just because a family has split up does not mean a child's love has been split up as well.

My five year old sometimes really misses his Mom a lot too. Sometimes it frustrates me because it always seems to happen when he's tired or in trouble. I wonder whether it is just a negotiation tactic...

Miker

My kids need down time on Sunday nights, so we ususally have a light dinner - picnic style - since I never know whether or not he's fed them.
Then we read, play games or watch a horse show together.

Perhaps the child just needs more time with his dad? Shared parenting has been proven by the AMA to be as valuable to children as being in an intact family. They have done studies that show clearly that kids raised in this manner are far happier, full of self esteem and get in much less trouble, plus do better in school. Does the father want more parenting time?

Don't be jealous of your son loving his father too. There is NO WAY your child will not always love you just as much. You need to be the adult and put silly jealous feelings aside.

Please pardon the threadjack! Loversfirst; you raised an important issue for me. Concerning the AMA reports you speak of - where can I locate that information? Thanks.

FR

Thank you for your replies!

cm,
The same here; my son doesn't miss him while he's with me, and opposite. I'm fine he doesn't miss me during these weekends, it's better for him.
I call only once per day, on purpose, to leave them all time just for them... and I call before sleeping (at that time, if I don't call, my son dials (yes, I taught him to do so:-)), for he needs just to hear me... ie my song I sing every night (I composed it myself just for him :-))

I had the same worries too (still have from time to time) but you know what - I "programmed" myself not to think about, for that is not under my control; I just pray God my son is safe WHEREVER he is... that's all I can do while he is not with me anyway... (even when he's with me :-))

And, yes, their dads are pure fun, same with my son... his idol... for he goes to bed whenever he wants, and no waking up early morning to go to JK and me to work... and no No almost at all...
Well, I see it as his little holidays :-)


Miker,
I do support and validate his feelings, and it is rarely that I let my true feelings out of control...
I wake up every morning 5:30 to prepare everything for the day (I have been cooking for him just strictly home made food, even Cheese and juices I make for him :-)), and also to have one hour to be with him, play, talk, before we go out...
He's my love, my life, and I just to control these feelings not to become possessive or (too) overprotective mother...
I have no social life, nor 'private' life, just him and all my free time (after work) is with him is just full of play and learning...
And I'm not complaining, it's my choice to be devoted mom, and give up my private life, for I have no enough time for both...
Well, maybe I spoiled him a bit... but who will if not me!?! :-)
OK, he knows what is good and what is bad and everyone say he's a very good and polite and well mannered boy...
(So proud of him!)

Negotiation tactic... hmmm... I know that sometimes IS...
He says it openly - my dad would allow me to do this and you are not.
Then I answer - OK, I'm glad you understand that every house has their own little rules...


newly,
X always says our son eat plenty of food, yet he's always very hungry when he gets home.
I make his favorites no matter what (just once in 2,5 years he didn't eat...(


LoversFirst1997,
I would almost never agree about 50/50... ie they didn't convince me...
It might work with two divorced people with the same values and the same goals...
Otherwise, a child, little child, would be more confused (my son is sometimes confused, because I cannot tell him many things the way I want, the way they are, and he just see himself X's and mine differences...)

Anyway, I don't have to worry about that part; his dad is fine with every second weekend and more than 2 days in row would be too much for him...
(He wouldn't take him for sleepover one day, he said he had to work... )

And, yes, I have to be adult :-), and not to be jealous... but sometimes it's just stronger... yet I know I have to fight these feelings...


How do you guys fight these negative feelings?

LF,
Any agreement other than Sole custody is "shared parenting" the only difference is the amount of time with each parent. There are very many parents who take no interest in parenting their children, even as they are with them. That could not be beneficial to the child.

True 50/50 custody works only when parents work together in the best interest of their children. Far too many parents have their own personal stuff to get over and use the children. I know in my situation 50/50 would not work.

... Yes, and many take 50/50 just to avoid CS...

We have joint legal custody and my son living with me, dad's visitation, etc.

Although he signed all, and that I make daily decisions but both of us major ones, he still likes to control and he thinks I'm not a good co-parent if I don't tell him ALL DETAILS about our day (eg. which store we went shopping...)

He asks this only (only!) when he's alone and depressed or in a bad mood... otherwise he doesn't call at all!...

It made me mad a few weeks ago - my son had a cold and high fewer and I decided he stays with my parents and have home care (they adore him!) instead going to JK.
X freaked out because I didn't ask him for his permission!
(He would never spend all night up to take care of him either... if it happens that our son is sick during these weekends with him, he brings him back to me right away, stating - oh, he's sick, you know how to heal him... I mean I'm fine with that (happy! that I take over at those times), but hellooo, if so, then I should be one making these minor decisions, shouldn't I?!...)

I have another concern (not just one more, unfortunately, but this one is now in my mind...)

X tells our son how he'd be sooo alone when he goes back to me, and sad and crying.
Then my son, on these Sundays evenings, is sad for that too. :-(
I'm quiet, of course, I don't say a word, (e.g. X sometimes cuts down these weekends to have just one day, he gets some excuses for 'not to be able to be there at that time'...), I just hug him and say - don't worry, you'll again be with him,
or I suggest calling his dad to check how he is (he rarely answers, for he's either out or relaxing alone or whatever else... e.g. last Sunday I called to ask something about our son, he yelled! at me because I interrupted his "hard deserved Sunday evening peace") <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

So, what worries me most - he tells our son he has two homes and he's always welcome to come and be/live with him.
That's OK per se, BUT this is not true!

A few months ago, when my son was quite much into that, I suggested to my X to take him for one week, for our son needs more time with him.
He refused stating - he has to work! (He goes to work around 10 a.m. and yet it'd be too much for him to have our son, wake him up and give him ride to JK... X HATES schedules, anything that he has to do in order, at certain scheduled hour, etc.)

My son of course believes him, and I know it'll come time he'd try to 'blackmail' me as one of a child's 'negotiating tactics'...
I'm prepared for this one, but not for - that one day my son will be disappointed very much... (or X thinks that once our son is big he won't have so much obligations...??)
I decided to be quite and let him face all of this one day... what else could I do?!

What would you do??

Hey Fish!

Cute name! Is there a story behind it? Here is an article and a couple of links.

Some Statistics:

Here's what the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services has to say:

"More than a quarter of American children—nearly 17 million—do not live with their father. Girls without a father in their life are two and a half times as likely to get pregnant and 53 percent more likely to commit suicide. Boys without a father in their life are 63 percent more likely to run away and 37 percent more likely to abuse drugs. Both girls and boys are twice as likely to drop out of high school, twice as likely to end up in jail and nearly four times as likely to need help for emotional or behavioral problems." -- HHS Press Release, Friday, March 26, 1999.

"Article: "Child Adjustment in Joint-Custody Versus Sole-Custody Arrangements: A Meta-Analytic Review," Robert Bauserman, Ph.D., AIDS Administration/Department of Health and Mental Hygiene; Journal of Family Psychology, Vol 16, No. 1

Children in joint custody arrangements had less behavior and emotional problems, had higher self-esteem, better family relations and school performance than children in sole custody arrangements. And these children were as well-adjusted as intact family children on the same measures, said Bauserman, "probably because joint custody provides the child with an opportunity to have ongoing contact with both parents."

These findings indicate that children do not actually need to be in a joint physical custody to show better adjustment but just need to spend substantial time with both parents, especially with their fathers, said Bauserman. Also, joint custody couples reported less conflict, possibly because both parents could participate in their children's lives equally and not spend the time arguing over childcare decisions. Unfortunately a perception exists that joint custody is more harmful because it exposes children to ongoing parental conflict. In fact, the studies in this review found that sole-custody parents reported higher levels of conflict .

It is important to recognize that the results do not support joint custody in all situations. When one parent is abusive or neglectful or has a serious mental or physical health problem, sole-custody with the other parent would clearly be preferable, said Bauserman. The judges, lawyers, social workers, psychologists and other professionals involved in divorce counseling and litigation should be aware of these findings to make informed decisions of what environment is best for a child in a custody situation.

Furthermore, to address the question of how much the parents' emotional health compared with the custody arrangement influenced the children's adjustment, Bauserman explained that custody arrangement seemed to have more influence. By statistically controlling for past parental conflict (which indicates parental maladjustment), the joint custody children still were significantly better adjusted. This result was also found in other studies cited in Bauserman's review. More primary research is needed, said Bauserman, "on the past and current adjustment of joint custody and sole custody parents before this question can be completely answered." "

http://www.gocrc.com/research/

Hope this helps. If you have something specific you are looking for, let me know. I have done research for some years and am involved in several father's groups.

Newly,

Just read your post. You said, "Any agreement other than Sole custody is "shared parenting" the only difference is the amount of time with each parent." You are confused. Joint custody, is shared parenting. This happens rarely. In my state, women get sole custody 89% of the time. It is the same across the nation. Most men do get joint legal, but as we know, that means little. When someone is referring to shared parenting they are speaking of both parents equally raising the child. Men are making progress in this area.


"There are very many parents who take no interest in parenting their children, even as they are with them". I totally agree. Many parents are not interested in parenting their children. But why should that interfere with the parents that DO want to 50/50 parent their children? It shouldn't One has nothing to do with the other.

I have no idea about your states, but many are changing terminology. And for you last comment, sadly that appears to be the minority.

My state has Joint legal custody with shared residential custody, and this is the growing format. And most states no longer refer to "visitation" but instead use "parenting time" to define the term.

You may be in that small portion of fathers who actually parent and take an interest in their children (many on this site are) but there is a whole cadre out there who use PT as spite, and the children as weapons.

From B2M's recent posts, I see her X as the type defined as "I want my children when I want them" (and only then). Apparently, your X believes that he can give his parenting time away to you. Accept if you will, but document alot in case he decides he wants more. My X believes he can give his parenting time to his parents, without asking me, and then they get mad at me because they are babysitting their grandchildren so much. (I have no idea why they feel I am responsible for their son sloughing off his parenting duties - but I'm to blame for everything so why not).

My state has Joint legal custody with shared residential custody, and this is the growing format"

If you are meaning that your state has presumptive shared custody, can you tell me what state that is?

It is "shared parenting" with "joint legal custody", which implied shared custody. Again, the "parenting time" is the actual schedule.

Can you tell me which state? We are creating a seed document for legislators to hopefully pass a law this next session in my state to make our state a presumptive shared parenting state...which would mean that every parenting plan would start with the presumption of 50/50 custody.

Yeah, most states are moving away from the terminology of "visitation time" because it makes the noncustodial parent sound like a visitor in their own child's life. Which is true when you are only allowed by law to parent your child 4 days a month!

LF, it is new jersey.
I'm guessing you are a member of one of the father's rights organizations.
I don't know anyone who has the 4 days per month schedule. Understand that you are likely in the minority of fathers who can actually care for their children, even more than 50/50. There are parents who do not consider their children or families to be their priority and the custody arrangement typically reflect this. My X got less after demanding a psychological evaluation than he was offered in mediation. And now he's proving he's not capable of the 1/3 time he has. Perception and reality are vastly different.

In most cases, the mother's have primary custody and also primary, if not total, responsibility for all children's events, activities, school schedules, doctor's visits, homework, etc. Sadly, this is the majority.
Those 4 days a month people have no responsibility during their time other than babysitting and entertaining - it must be nice to devote 100% to your children.

I think you should consider how much real life time mothers actually get to spend with their children, real quality time in which you can sit down and relax and read a book, without considering the 100 other tasks that need to be accomplished.
There was a old sociology book called, "The Second Shift" that discussed all of the responsibilities of working mothers after their paying job ended.

Please understand that on this site, many of us are here because we are dealing with incapable spouses, not the great fathers who put their children and family first.

I'm pretty close, I have 6 days/month.

I try to get more time by picking up my YD a couple of days a week and asking my ex-wife to include me in YD's extra-carricular (SIC?) activities. She still thinks that anything that doesn't happen on my days is not for me to attend.

I think my story is far more common that folks believe. There are many mothers who derive their worth from their kids.

My WW now my XW moved my daughter out of the house and then when I tried for 50/50 parenting time accused me of trying to take HER daughter from her.

T