Well, I'm a little freaked by this and I don't understand why. He came back from a week long trade show and came straight to my house. He called beforehand to tell me that we needed "to talk".

He said all the right things. He realizes he's made a mess of our lives and he doesn't want to lose the best woman he's ever known. He's sorry for what he's done and he wants to make it up to me.

He wants us to go to MC together while he continues his IC. He wants us to join a gym together. He wants me to continue with my new hobbies and friends.

He's wearing his wedding ring again. He will be making it known that we are back together again. I will be included when (F)OW is told.

But...there's always a but...

He wants me to find a new home for 2 of my cats. One is my absolute favorite. I know, just a cat. Still very hard. After all, they've never given me anything but unconditional love.

He says he won't move back home until that happens. He feels if he does then I'll find a way to not do it.

I told him I love him. I want our marriage. Hearing all of this is great. I also need to see him do some things as well. He asked what? I told him I didn't know exactly, but I need to see action not just hear words. He seemed to understand. Time will tell.

I'm so guarded right now. I'm so scared I'll get hurt again. He says I'm already thinking it'll fail, I say I'm only being careful of my heart. I want to be totally and completely head over heals again, but until I see some action I just can't.

Melody will kill me for saying this but I'm a cat guy and I know giving up the cats will be difficult. I would quickly look for a temporary situation for them for now. Once WH is out of the fog and back home he may be more reasonable about them...at least allowing you to have one.

It's such a strange demand, is he allergic????. Regardless, I think it is a good sign. I mean if he thought he was just going to come home for a few weeks to "try"...why make you dump your cats???

I wish you well.

Mr. Wondering

Why does your WH want you to get rid of 2 of your cats? Do you have more cats?

Sounds like he has given this some thought a good sign, but proceed carfully as you are doing.

In my opinion, a WS who wants to come home, after betraying his partner has no business asking for anything. He should be the one have conditions put on him.

Like the others, I ask what is the problem with the cats?

I agree with believer, where does he come off making any demands,if it's a deal breaker(which it shouldn't be) place them temporarily , that way, if after a while he decides he made a mistake returning, you can get your cats back.
This is exactly what happened to me WW came home, said all right things to me ,DD and familes, then realized she made a mistake and left 2 weeks later.

I hope it works out the best FOR YOU

According to my counseltations with Harley, this is a crucial time for bargaining and setting up a safe environment for recovery.

Also according to Harley a fes things need to happen:
1.a. WS needs to take full responsibility for the affair. He needs to tell you how and why it happened. He cannot blame you in any way for his affair ... that just means he doesn't get it yet. Stop here and go no further. He is not ready for reconciliation yet. (You shouldn't tell him he is not ready yet. You can tell him though that you did not tell him, force him, or give him permission to have an affair and that you will in no way take responsibility for it.)
1.b. He needs to disclose all the details, the wheres , whens, hows, and whys that you need to know to find closure. He has to be willing to answer all your questions as often as needed.
2. He needs to fully acknowledge the depth and scope of the pain he has caused you. You have to really feel that he "gets" it and in truly remorseful.
3. he needs to be willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe. ( this is where the NC letter and extraordinary precautions for NC come in.)
4. You need to agree on a plan for recovery.


Until all of the above is done, I wouldn't advise getting rid of your cats. Once the above is done you can POJA about what to do with those pets.

He has not yet reached the stage where he is in a position to bargain.

Just my opinion.

Still, I am happy for you that he is showing signs of wanting to reconcile. Be cautious. Go slow. Protect your heart.

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling exactly what you are all saying regarding my critters. They are my family and I'm not ready to let them go just yet without a better grasp of what out future holds.

Lost you had some great points, thanks for listing them. My WH has taken full responsibilty for his A and does not blame me at all. He has answered and continues to answer all of my questions regarding details, etc. Now he is beginning to answer the questions about his internet contacts.

I'm not sure he fully understands just how much this has hurt and effected me. I think MC can help with that and since MC is something he's suggesting for a change, I'm very willing to start.

As for my feeling safe, he's learning what that takes. We'll see what happens in the coming days.

I'm very wary right now. As much as I want him home, it's my H I want back, not the snarling and hurtful WH. I feel a little strange. Almost like I need to "fall in love" again too. Does that make sense? Is that normal?

In the meantime, I'm not making any major changes to my household, and that means my kitties. Right now I think I need to see what he's been saying, not just hear it.

Glad you posted again. Why doesn't he want the cats around?

What caused the change? Did the sky fall on his head?

Why pick on the cats? Wondering....wondering....wondering..

Something don't smell right.

Don't mean to burst your bubble but it is all talk at this time. So be careful. C/b a setup.

take care,
L.

You were asked several times about the cats, and you failed to explain. What is the problem with the cats?

One thing that he learned in IC is to express yourself very clearly about what he wants and needs. Whether you get rid of the cats or not, you certainly need to listen to him and understand his point of view.

If you come across as, "I won, you lose," then it doesn't seem to me that there will be much healing by you or him.

So, discuss, listen and understand, and be willing to talk about solutions which might be made at some time in the future.

Orchid: Give her time to tell. You already heard she was scared.


Orchid: JimmyMac, how do you know this?


Orchid: Where in her post are you getting these vibes?


Orchid: Ok...... doesn't that take time?


Ooohhh.... JimmyMac, 'xcuse me for being confoozed but do you know more about this sitch than what is posted?

L.

I have 4 cats. These are the same 4 cats I had when we first met. He told me he liked cats and didn't have a problem with them.

About 2 years into our living together, we were engaged by then, we ended up gaining 3 more cats in a fairly short period of time. Long story on that. He didn't want them, but I had made up my mind and took them. Completely disregarding his feelings.

Oddly enough, a little over a year later, in the space of 3 months, all of those 3 new cats died of medical problems we had no idea about until it was too late.

I promised him the number of cats would never exceed 4 at that time because 7 was WAYYY too many.

The cats he wants to get rid of now are my 2 boys. One is old and was abused in his former life. He has started to pee on things, especially things belonging to WH. The other boy is my favorite cat. WH is jealous of the attention I give him, he always has been. This cat is the top dog, so to speak, in the house and he gets aggressive from time to time. That's the way they are I say. WH says I'm too easy on him and let him get away with things instead of discplining him. Bottom line, this cat is too aggressive and must go in his opinion.

Orchid - I asked him that all important question - WHY? He just spent a week in Orlando at a trade show. (f)OW was also there along with a group of coworkers. I'm told that she did, in fact, make a move on him but he turned her down. WH says he needed to know he could and would do that. He also says he's been thinking about reconciling for a while now, but he had to do this first.

You aren't bursting any bubble. I'm still very wary, very cautious. I'm not even sure what to do next.

JimmyMac -- I wanted to respond to everyone but didn't have time to explain the cats. I have now.

I don't know what he's learning in IC, but I am trying to listen and understand his point of view. Disregarding his feelings and needs were part of what got us to this point.

Regarding the "I win, you lose" scenario. What makes you say this? I haven't even thought about anything close to trying to "win" so he can "lose". All I want is for us to find solutions we can accept and be happy with. I'm not about winning/losing with my husband.

this is just perfect ....



Also according to Harley a few things need to happen:

1.a. WS needs to take full responsibility for the affair. He needs to tell you how and why it happened. He cannot blame you in any way for his affair ... that just means he doesn't get it yet. Stop here and go no further. He is not ready for reconciliation yet. (You shouldn't tell him he is not ready yet. You can tell him though that you did not tell him, force him, or give him permission to have an affair and that you will in no way take responsibility for it.)

1.b. He needs to disclose all the details, the wheres , whens, hows, and whys that you need to know to find closure. He has to be willing to answer all your questions as often as needed.

2. He needs to fully acknowledge the depth and scope of the pain he has caused you. You have to really feel that he "gets" it and in truly remorseful.

3. he needs to be willing to do what ever it takes to make you feel safe. ( this is where the NC letter and extraordinary precautions for NC come in.)

4. You need to agree on a plan for recovery.



just so this sticks ....

I'm so sorry about your cats....I'm a dog person myself but in my former life (before i got married) i was a cat lover too!

i do think that it is a problem if one of your cats in peing on everything especially your husbands things and an aggressive cat is not much better except for the smell.

I wonder though who would take them with these problems?

whatever you decide, i would make sure that your husband knows that this decision was made "together" because it is best for both of you...and your relationship. Perhaps a good compromise that would make both of you happy would be to keep the cats but have them live outside if they are able to care for themselves. (a barn or a shed would be a great home)

I would also tell yor H that in the future, you will consider his feelings regarding getting more cats but that having one or two cats is important to you. (gosh...7 is alot! 4 is even alot isn't it?)

thinking of you and wishing you the best!

Well, I suggest you read the Laura Schlessinger book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It is about respecting a husband in his home. Getting the extra cats was not a good idea.

Also a male cat that peed all over would be a problem for me. And I'm with your husband on dealing with an agressive cat - especially if he bites or attacks.

But I still would wait on the cat decision. The "top billing" here should be the affair and your husband's choices. Now is not the time to make demands about the cats.

I am a cat person.

I have a few questions for you. Are these cats fixed? Male cats that are not fixed will pee on things.

What do you feed your cats? If you have had three cats die in a short period of time AND your older cat has begun to pee outside of his box...there could be a problem with the food. Urinary tract problems will cause a house trained cat to stop using it`s box and it is also lethal if left untreated. The wrong kind of food will cause this. What did your other cats die of? It is odd that you would lost three cats in a short period of time. Are you sure that they all died of natural causes?

About the aggressive favourite...do you clip his claws? This helps to minimize the damage. It`s easy to do...the vet can show you how to do it. Is your H ugly to the cats? Cats do not respond well to being yelled at or hit. This is guaranteed to turn them aggressive. Well....not just cats but people, dogs, horses as well....

I had a person once give me the ultimatum...it was them or the cats...I chose them...and they me left two weeks later. And I had lost my beloved cats....Horrible...I would never bow to that kind of ultimatum again.

I agree with your H that what you have posted about the cats IS a problem. But there are way to solve this other that getting rid of the cats. You really must speak to your vet.

Have you talked to a vet about the cats' behavior? There might be solutions other than getting rid of the cats, especially if the peeing is a recent development, rather than something the cat always did. It's interesting that the cat chose to pee on your WH's stuff.

We have a cat who likes to mark his turf, so we finally let him live outdoors. He's happy, and since he's been spayed, he doesn't roam much. One problem that does lead to is that we find we are feeding possums and racoons along with the cat.

I can understand your being a little freaked out. "[H]e doesn't want to lose the best woman he's ever known", yet he is willing to risk losing you over a cat. What is the timing of the MC supposed to be? If you begin MC before he comes home (which I would strongly recommend), you could discuss the cat issue with the counselor.

Yes it interesting. I`ll tell you something funny my "psychic" cats did.

My H kept his ONS hidden for years. In the interim the ONS OW hooked up with my H`s cousin. She came a few times to our house with this cousin.

My cats have always been house trained. And yet EVERY SINGLE TIME this OW was in our home there was a pile of cat poop was found in whatever part of the house she was visiting. One time she came to see our son`s new race track that was set up in his room. As everyone was admiring the track we all noticed the smell. There was a big steaming fresh pile inches from her foot. Another time as she sat in the living room again we noticed the smell...and there is was behind her chair. And then there was the time she just came in just to use the bathroom and stepped in a pile on the bathroom rug.

At the time I found this REALLY weird. Why on earth would my cats only leave piles when the OW was in the house and why would it always be left in an area where she was going to be? I didn`t know for sure she was an OW at that point...I only had suspicions but no proof. But my cats obvioulsy knew....They never left messes in the house before or since....I only found piles when the OW was in our house.

But even during the time before d-day I said to my H "Why do the cats crap EVERYTIME this woman comes into our home? Why do they always crap where she is going to be? I knew this was odd even before d-day. I knew something was up...the cats sensed something....

Don`t get rid of your cats.

Daisy-

You have got to lone out your cat to the posters that come here asking if their spouse is having an affair. Sure would beat snooping around on the computer and taping conversations.

You could make some big money renting him/her out by the day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mr. Wondering