Plans A & B are designed for getting the WS to NC with OP correct? Once NC has been established, what then? What I mean is in my situation (with me being 6000 miles away for about the next 2 months), is there anyway to get my WW to recommit to our marriage 100%? I keep getting the "I'll try" answer that is so popular with WS's. I consider myself to still be in a plan A sort of, in that WW is in NC, but not yet fully recommitted to the M. So I am applying the MB principles as best I can from 6000 miles away. For example she is still yet to show me enough remorse for her actions, she keeps turning it back around on me. I avoid LB's like the plague. If she says something that would normally cause me to lash out, I calmly reply in a respectful manner. But she continues to lash out at me as if she is trying to coerce a confrontation out of me. She is constantly being a smart a$$, rude, sarcastic...etc. I am slightly exaggerating... most of our conversations are polite, she usually gets angry about the way ill word something once or twice in a conversation, but after i explain what i meant, she calms down. But occassionally she focuses on one mispoken sentence. So now i feel like no matter how hard i try to show that I am changing to be less assertive/aggressive, she will find one negative thing to focus on, and that will end up ruining our conversation, ie, I asked her why she was afraid to recommit to our marriage fully, and she replied along the lines of how i used to be in the past (loud, agressive, assertive (negative side affect of being a leader in the military)). I replied OK, but you see im changing right, and then she pointed out examples from before i learned about the MB approach, and i said that it feels like no matter what I do its not enough, and that "sometimes" it "feels like" she is blaming me for her affair. To me that doesnt seem agressive or angry. But she took it the wrong way, and instead of trying to resolve the conflict, we ended up talking about that one sentence for two hours (at 25 cents a minute, that aint cheap... especially not every day or two for two months...). She kept doing "angry outbusrts" and "disrespectful judgements", and i kept being calm and respectful, asking her not to talk to me that way... etc. I guess it feels like its working slowly but surely, but I still want her to recommit NOW...

Am i expecting too much too soon? How can i help her along without seeming pushy and overbearing? Am i doing the right things so far? Can i do more?

Ray,


Quote:i said that it feels like no matter what I do its not enough, and that "sometimes" it "feels like" she is blaming me for her affair

So would I if that took the heat off what I did and turned it BACK on you.

You are military right?

Question: What is the best defense?

Answer: A great offense

She is using the age old childhood trick of deflecting anger by feigning hurt.

Listen to what she says. Acknowledge what she says. But most of all don't let her take you off topic by what she says.


Best of luck, you are in my prayers both for your M and for your safety.

Have you read SAA? In there it suggests not trying to force your WS to feel remorse or apologize for the A. Squeezing a reluctant apology from them is probably worse than no apology at all.



Review what it is that you're actually doing. I thought same as you until recently - then I read that using conversation to make demands or force an opinion (intentionally or not) IS LBing, and always seemed to be doing that with my FWW! I'm trying hard not to do that now, but it's really difficult at times to break old behaviour patterns. When your spouse starts to get angry about what you're saying, how about reviewing what you've said to see if it falls into the demand or forced opinion category?



Do you both have access to IM software like MSN Messenger? You might find it easier (and cheaper!) to converse via IM - with the added advantage that taking time to type out (and review!) a response rather than blurting it out over the phone can help you and your spouse avoid the conversation LBs you've mentioned. You can also record the conversation, so if it turns ugly, you could review it to see what triggered the ugliness.



All the same questions that I've been asking myself. IMO the answers are: 1: YES, 2: By making HNHN and SAA your "recovery bibles", 3: Only you and your spouse can answer that (how about asking her?), 4: See (3).

What comes to mind for me is are you sure her A is over and their is NC? You are not there to see for yourself, so I guess first you need to be sure it is over.

If the A is over she must be going through withdrawal. I would suggest you read up on that.

I think recovery is going to be very hard until you are back together so be patient.

One side note...have your W buy you a prepaid calling card. You can get them for something like 3 cents a minute. That is much cheaper than 25 cents!! Or if you are near a base you can buy one.

I'm sure others will help you out. You W seems to feel threatened by you for some reason. The best you can do is work on yourself while you are away and show her through your actions that you have changed.

3 cents a minute in the states equals 20-25 cents aminute from Iraq. I am on a base, and have access to AAFES facilities. We do IM alot, but we pay for internet as well, and teh problem with IM is that its hard to convey "how" you say something through typed words. We run into that alot.

I have read HN/HN, waiting on SAA. She started HN/HN, but hasnt gotten past chapter 4 yet. its been two weeks +. I am not trying to force an opinion i think. I am trying to get a decision out of her, is that the same thing? I am doing OK at this pace, but would always like to improve on it. I am a very goal oriented person, so after i attain one goal, i move on to the next, first was real, meaningful conversation, the next is committment... etc.

Thanks for your help, she is online now, Im going to go talk to her.

Yup, it acts as a "filter", which forces you to think more about what you're going to say/write to the other person, while you're composing the message.

See how it can come in handy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm not saying it's the best answer for everyone. But it's worked so far for my FWW and I.



If she's not ready to make a decision, then I think the answer to that question might be yes. You're pushing her to do something that's she's not ready or prepared to do.

Ray - when you purchase a calling card at a store for 3 cents a minute that is ALL you pay. You then use the card and the number provided. It does not cost 25 cents from Iraq to use a calling card!!! Have your wife buy you a calling card...send it to you..you use the number on the back of the card. When she purchases the card it can be any number of minutes...like 500 or 1000 or whatever. ALL it costs is the 3 cents per minute. No more than that. Make sense??? Also, your AAFES should have them too.

It appears as though you may be pushing your wife too much. Maybe less relationship talk and more just general talk. And I think the IM idea is good. Let's you think a little before you speak.

You may want to consider conveying to her calmly, quietly, and respectfully that you are committed to those personal changes whether or not the marriage survives. Inform her that these personal changes are primarily for YOUR benefit, not hers. Leave her alone for a while to ponder your words.

TMCM

If you buy a 100 "unit" phone card from Walmart for 3 dollars, that equals 3 cents a minute, but it costs 20 "units" per minute from Iraq... get the picture...

The cheapest way is with a dialpad program like yahoo. That is about 3 cents a minute, but i dont have a laptop here, and you cant DL programs onto government comps, so i am stuck paying 20-25 cents a minute.

I have told her that the changes are for me, AND our marriage, nut just the marriage. We try and engage in normal chat, but usually someone brings up some point about the relationship. Doesn't always end in an argument, but occassionally.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Not going to argue this point with you nor am I going to teach you about calling cards. My husband was in Iraq (active duty Marine for 20 years) so it's not like I am stupid and do not know what I am talking about...get the picture??????

As far as your marriage, you have been given a lot of good advice. I hope the best for you.