Since I am very close to Plan B, I'd like some input if anyone would care to chime in.

Some, and I say some, exposure was done in Plan A, and not all of it by myself. My WW actually told her family that she was involved with OM and intended to leave me. Well, that is what WW told me.

Now, I do believe that some of WW family knows the situation (WW says that all think she is nuts, but hey, blood is thicker than water and none of them will step up to the plate and support me. In fact, it is all about that happiness factor and whatever will make WW happy is what is most important).

Since I am ohh so close to going to Plan B, when that does happen (this week) I was planning on contacting each of WW family and giving them my side of the story. None of them have talked to me about the A, and I'm sure they don't know what to say, but at this point, I think they should hear from me, especially seeing this is Plan B and the letter will cause a stir as she returns "home" for T'day.

I figure my WW will spin the letter and make me out to be the bad person here, especially when the beans are spilled to my children. But I think WW's family (brothers and sisters) need to know the other side of the story and why I'm doing what I am doing.

Not that it will mean much, but not hearing my side does effect me. I have a really good relationship will all her family and I think they deserve to at least hear from the BS!

So, anyone have any minuses on informing WW family the real truth? Yes, yes, I probably should have pressed the issue more with Plan A, but like a lot of other BS's, I believed my WW when she said all her family knows and they are all against it.


p47d

Well I may be wrong here, but I don't think exposing to her family is a bad thing - i think that it will add pressure to her affair.

BUT - be forewarned they may not believe you. I had an affair 6 months before H's affair. When he started his, he decided to tell his whol family about my previous one, to justify why he was leaving.

I tried to tell them that mine was long over, I had changed, and had been working on the marriage, and that it was HE now that was in an affair...

I was told by his mother - "MY son would NEVER lie to me, you are the liar. I know my SON better than YOU would ever know him. He told me this girl is just a friend and he only had coffee with her - so stop trying to lie to me."

Little did mom know he had spent the whole weekend living with OW that weekend...so yah - he had coffee with her...I told his mom, you don't have to believe me, but this is the one time you could possibly help your son fix things instead of making things worse. She was angry with me.

To this day - we have now reconciled, his family ddoesn't know the truth - they treat me like nothing ever happened, so H doesn't tell them anything else. But they only know about what I did, and that H left for "space" to try to recover from the things I did to him...and not that he left with a future in mind with OW, but OW dumped him....

Anyways - rambling here.

I think you should tell them - come with proof if you can, be prepared for the spin, and be prepared to not be believed...but it will STILL be added pressure on your wife's secret world.

I'm new here and have no answers, but TBH, I have never understood the exposure strategy.

If I got a call from, say, my brother's wife saying he's having an affair! he's having an affair! tell him to stop! here is the real story!, I would think that was something they needed to work out on their own. I might speak to him about it, be somewhat critical or cautionary, but neither I nor my parents would put a full-court-press on or disown hi. He's an adult and I can't see how exposure does anything but make a spouse defensive and justifying and "our true love against the world" and "heck, if everyone knows and thinks I'm a cad already, might as well go through with it."

And I *really* can't understand when people say expose at WORK. Doesn't every boss on the planet just say "uhh, sounds like a personal issue"? Plus, if the A ends, isn't it awkward in recovery to have everyone and the mailman know about it? I was speaking to my H's family about it in the beginning, and as time went on it was clear they didn't want to be in the middle of it.

I dunno, I understand and appreciate the rest of the Harleys' and 180 strategies, particularly plan A, but exposure seems like a very risky, very dirty-laundry game that rubs me the wrong way. I'm eager to hear the rationale.

Dorry,

Problem here is that WW has told me her brothers and sisters already know, and I know for a fact that they do know "something". I gues it is the degree of what they know.

My SIL actually asked me if I was going to fight for my WW and I said of course. So, she knows that there is an OM.

My point is, that they have only heard one side of the story. And when I go Plan B, I think they need to know why I am doing what I am doing.

As I said, they all like me. I don't think any of them will poo-poo my side. But on the same hand, they need to know why I am acting the way I am/will.

p47d

Hoopsie:

>I'm new here and have no answers, but TBH, I have never understood the exposure strategy.

Since the A can only really thrive through secrecy, it makes supreme sense to expose. Light always exposes darkness. In other words, most know that what they are doing is WRONG. Exposure just moves the A out in the open where everyone can see. Shame has a way of working wonders in most situations. Or if you like, you can use the word, guilt.

If you still don't understand, try and remember the last local news report where someone was found out to be a "john", or busted for drugs, or some scandal was broken. Why on earth do the guilty try and cover their heads or faces from the camera? As I said, shame does wonders.

>If I got a call from, say, my brother's wife saying he's having an affair! he's having an affair! tell him to stop! here is the real story!, I would think that was something they needed to work out on their own. I might speak to him about it, be somewhat critical or cautionary, but neither I nor my parents would put a full-court-press on or disown hi. He's an adult and I can't see how exposure does anything but make a spouse defensive and justifying and "our true love against the world" and "heck, if everyone knows and thinks I'm a cad already, might as well go through with it."

All well and good to a point. I stated I have a great relationship with my WW's family. But blood is thicker than water and I don't expect any of them to disown my W, but all I am asking is to be heard. They know I am not unrational. They know I am not an abuser or anything like that and in fact, my WW has said to all of them many times, I am a good father and a good provider. So, I don't have a bad rap with any of them.

But as I was saying, after Plan B starts, they might wonder why I am going to such extremes if they don't know MY SIDE of the story!

>And I *really* can't understand when people say expose at WORK. Doesn't every boss on the planet just say "uhh, sounds like a personal issue"? Plus, if the A ends, isn't it awkward in recovery to have everyone and the mailman know about it? I was speaking to my H's family about it in the beginning, and as time went on it was clear they didn't want to be in the middle of it.

Humm, do you thing the BS's work would or does become effected? If it does and believe me, my work has suffered, what makes you think that the WS's work would not suffer too?

If an affair is similar to an addiction, wouldn't you inform your boss or your spouses boss if they had an addiction? In the end, just like saving someone from drowning, you are trying to save the WS from drowning in the affair.

Now my question to you, is why do we treat affairs differently than say drug addiction, abuse problems etc.? The same manager that makes million dollar decisions now under the influence of a "love" affair can't seem to pick out the right socks. But somehow we excuse that behavior and say that it is all becasue they are in love!

Ha! Being in love does not render one mindless. We may do some crazy things when in love, but true love never means we throw our whole life away at the expense of merely being in love. Romeo and Juliet was a play, not real life. Real love does not cause one to lose all sense of reality, but infatuation does.

This is why exposure is so critical.

p47d

Actually, I wouldn't tell my spouse's boss if they were addicted to drugs or alcohol and, in fact, most workplaces that offer employee assistance programs are quite clear that they provide confidentiality. That is part of the attraction of treatment if and when the employee contacts them on their own, by assuring them that their career won't be affected, that it won't be water-cooler gossip.

My H's work hasn't suffered at all b/c of the affair, at least not so that anyone would notice. There is a lot of downtime in the typical white-collar day, and he is able to compartmentalize well enough. His colleagues are his *colleagues,* not his friends. If I told his boss he was having an affair, his boss (who doesn't know me from Adam, BTW) at best would think I was very inappropriate for dragging him into our personal life. He doesn't care if DH has an affair or drinks like a fish after hours as long as he does the job he was hired to do. Nor does H really care what goes on in his boss' or coworkers'life.

I exposed my H's affair to our family and some of our friends. I think it was counterproductive. If the whole point of plan A-ing and 180s is to NOT pressure or critize or love-bust them, to back off and stop bugging them about the state of the relationship, to let te A die a death on its own, then pressure from friends and family is similarly counterproductive. H said to me at one point, "if my *spouse's* love and arguments haven't swayed me, why would my *mother's*???"

If anything, the exposure allowed him to explain himself and convince people and talk about the love he has for the OW. As long as they didn't know, he could fear what would happen if they DID know. Now they know. And he sees that their response was not as terrible as he thought it might be. They disapprove of what he's doing, but his family is of course not shunning him.

I don't think shame does wonders. I think the FEAR of shame does wonders. Once the shame is actually happening, it becomes nothing more than bad period that the WSs have to endure for a bit.

P47D, exposure is simply the most effective, potent weapon you have against the affair. In all the years I have been here, I have seen none that is more effective. It would be a good idea to expose the affair [the TRUE facts] to the OP's spouse, OP's family, all key family members, close friends, and possibly employers [if a workplace affair] WELL BEFORE you go into Plan B.

Exposure is simply ruinous to affairs as they cannot survive without secrecy. Even if exposure does not immediately end the affair, it very often hastens the end of the affair by making it extremely uncomfortable. That is because an affair is like an addiction, and no crack addict likes the light being turned on when they are using, nor do they like having to explain themselves.

Exposure also allows the affairees to see how silly and sleazy they look through the eyes of others when forced to explain themselves. It is a huge dose of reality that causes conflict in the affair.

She may have "told" her family certain things, but I guarantee you it was a SPUN version that in no way reflect the truth. This is why it is important for them to get the story from you. Not "your side" but the true side.

It is best to do this exposing well before you go into Plan B so you will have a chance to clean up the resultant fury and anger that your WS will feel at being exposed.

Please don't pass up this very potent weapon. To not expose is tantamount to enabling the affair.

P.S. As Steve Harley once counseled one of our forum members, "do everything short of taking out a billboard."

Hoopsie, I think you missed the point of Plan A entirely. The "A" does not stand for appeasement, as you seem to think. The purpose of Plan A is to BUST UP THE AFFAIR. Exposure is the foundation of Plan A. To not expose the affair is to enable the affair to continue unabated. And the longer you enable it, the more entrenched it gets. Helping the affairees hide their dirty secret will only work against you.

No one has ever told you here not to "pressure" the affair, just the opposite. It is your JOB to apply as much pressure as possible in order to bust up the affair.

Maybe so, but I can tell you that I exposed in the first few weeks. Not because I read anything that told me to, but because I was distraught. I wanted to tell his mother what was going on, I thought she might want to talk to him, urge him to reconsider.

Well, the affair is continuing with gay abandon, and if anything H got angry at me for bringing his family into it. He perceived it as pressure. The same way I was pressuring him with appeals, reason, etc. It pushed him further away into the arms of the OP, who was saying "Oh, poor baby, your wife is trying to manipulate you, she's talking about you behind your back, blah, blah."

Exposure has not made a difference. Not a bit. If anything, it has made him think that bridges are burned. If nobody knew but me, he knew there was a chance that he could end the affair and not suffer any real consequences. Now he knows that if he comes back, he's going to have to look at my father's evil eye across every Thanksgiving table for the next 30 years, that our friends will never view him in quite the same way.

I pressured him for two months, and then he told me he wanted a D. Now I've backed off and am cheerful and nonthreatening, and he hasn't mentioned D. It may still happen, but it would *certainly* happen if I called his OFFICE. I maintain that that would do nothing but ENRAGE him. And I wouldn't return to someone I was enraged at.

hoopsie, exposure is supposed to apply pressure. Exposure is supposed to enrage the WS. That is the point. Plan A does not stand for "appeasement." Appeasement will get you nowhere and is not the recommended course of action in Marriage Builders.

Exposure brings conflict into the affair. There is no guarantee that it will immediately end the affair, but the more exposed the affair, usually the faster it ends.

They always make threats of divorce and become enraged when you expose. That is ok. Your marriage can survive a little anger, it can't survive an affair. Threatening divorce is nothing more than a manipulation tactic designed to shut you up. And it sounds like it worked in your case.

And if a WS truly wants to come back, they won't let the anger of other family members stop them. In fact, if they are sincere, they apologize to those members for causing them grief. But you should never help a WS run from the consequences of his affair. That helps NO ONE.

Have you considered using Marriage Builders' principles to bust up this affair? It really is a very successful program that has saved lots of marriages.

I agree with ML about exposure.

Don't expect the world to suddenly change due to exposure. I doubt that you will convert anyone from WW's side of the family to your side. They will still be her sister, brother, mother, father, cousin, etc., whether you are are married to her or not. So, the reactions could vary from "interesting, but so what?" to "you are a real b*stard for treating her that way."

The real benefit of exposure, as ML said, is to bring the A into the light so that WS can see it for what it is. It is a long term affect rather than an immediate fix.

But I've exposed to everyone I can expose to. After the initial shock and drama and flurry of phone calls and "dude, what are you doing???" people moved on. They have their own lives to lead, especially our friends. They want updates, but they don't want to hear all the gory details or throw themselves into our intimate family dynamics. There's nobody else I can expose to who would care. His boss wouldn't.

And he continues to talk to her eight hours a day. He moved out. She visited last weekend. He's visiting her next weekend. They're having more sex than Hugh Hefner. If that exposure six weeks ago is hastening the end of the affair, I shudder to think what a slow end to it would look like.

I don't know if it was a threat of divorce or the real thing. He paid the lawyer $400 for a consultation to go over settlement options.

I read Plan A and it is: "Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover while meeting their emotional needs." Okay, that horse has left the barn. He doesn't want to separate from the lover. He's in the middle of the fog, addiction, whatever. He's already 90 percent out. And if I push or pressure him, he's gonna BE out. All I'm trying to do now is buy some time, for myself if nobody else.

Melody:

Exposure and what there has been of it has run its course. As I said, I am days before enacting Plan B. I must admit that I had to change my screen name because I thought WW would find this board and find out my plans and then plan accordingly. I have posted extensively over the last weeks on my current situation. I just hate rehashing old ground.

As far as I am concerned and according to my last MC session, the time is right and so are the circumstances to enact Plan B. I do have a session with Steve tomorrow and barring any earth shattering news from him, I will proceed later this week.

You see, my WW will be away for the holidays and in fact she is leaving this week, i.e. very soon. She has in fact called me and told me she is canceling her MC session for today seeing that she is going "home" very shortly.

Although our MC cannot discuss details, he has agreed that nothing has changed in the past 5 months. My WW's desired will as he puts it, is to leave come next summer. She has told me this, she has told our first MC this and now she has told our latest MC the same thing. Right now, she has no desire to work on the M, period. All she wants to do is keep the peace and play married while my child finishes their last year of HS. Then in June she drops the bomb. It is akin to someone sitting on death row. Basically I am the one, and I have been told (many times) that I have 6-7 months to live before the switch is pulled. In her eyes, she is sacrificing these next months for our child, and she expects me to do the same, only I have more integrity than that. I am tired of living a lie and covering her A, and she has been told that. I already gave her her walking papers (verbal) last month and she refused to leave. Well, now she will be out of the house for 3 weeks and there can be no better time IMO.

As I said, her family knows about the OM, or at least some of them know. I would assume the others know that we are having problems. Once plan B is enabled, I am thinking of calling all the family and letting them know my exact position. I know for certain that once the axe falls, no one will believe I could do such a thing! In an attempt to fend off some of the flak, they will at least get my side, which in fact is the factual side.

This also includes my immediate family plus our children as I now have the blessing of my MC for telling them. Back a few months, I actually went to bat with my parents for my WW. At that time I did not know of the A, and thought just as she said, she was homesick and was not happy with me. I went to extreme lenghts to assure my folks that it was not due to an A. You see, my brother destroyed his M with an A and actually broke it up and married the OW! One of his kids will still not speak to him and it has been 3 years. The other is just coming around. So, my folks will be told the real truth come this weekend and I'm sure my dear old mom will want to chat with my WW or WW's mother at the very least.

The way I saw it, we were in MC and there was no need to expose any further. Then, when WW was basically forced into a NC situation, she informed me and my MC that no matter what, she was still leaving come June. Current MC was broken becasue MC said he was unable to help since WW did not want to be helped. We then moved on to another MC at the old MC's request and recommendation. My WW has met with this new MC 3 times in the last 2 weeks and he told me just last week that according to him, he sees no change which I interpreted as her still wanting to leave. He did not disagree. This MC also when asked could not give me an answer as to why my WW even wanted to meet with him! He has tried to get her to open up and tell him, but he said he has not been able to get through, so it remains a mystery as to why feeling the way she does, she would want to go to MC.

Mind you, she has actually talked to another WW (recovered) from this forum. She talked to her for 20 minutes about the ups and downs plus the ills of this whole thing. She was even encouraged to come here and read which forced me to move to cover my plans. Not sure what good it did, but at least she got to speak with someone who has walked the walk.

Bottom line is, she knows it is wrong and has said so, but refuses to make any attempt for restoration. She was forced, so she says, into NC with the OM and therefore has stated that in July, once she has left, they will pick up where they left off. So, my choices are few.

p47d

So what? What you are saying is the same thing as a person throwing seeds on the ground, pushing dirt over them and a little water on them...and then showing up the next morning and expecting corn. No one said exposure meant the WS would immediately go "Oh darn, I messed up. Guess I should go home." What it does mean is that now that the TRUTH is out i nthe open, then yes, other people will look at your husband differently. And they should. They will be looking at him CORRECTLY! But I want you to look at what you said about that here...you said your husband is upset about what they think. Now, let's take that one step further. If he is thinking about the fact that these people are thinking something bad about him, then he will have to come to the conclusion...based on what they are thinking...that what he is doing is bad and immoral. That does not happen over night. It takes time for the fog to clear and a WS to begin to see themselves correctly...as others around him already correctly have surmised.

Want to know how long things can go when a WS is having great sex with the OP and the wife is appeasing the affair? A long time...a long, long time. Why not? The man will have his concubine and his wife. And his wife isnt making any waves. Why change anything? On here, we call it cake eating. Your husband is now cake eating and you are allowing it and enabling it. It took my wife close to 18 months to completely end any contact with the OM and begin true recovery. If I had just sat back and let them go on and not exposed...it would probably still be going on today...or worse, my marriage would be over.

So did my wife...blah, blah, blah. If he truly wants a divorce, there is nothign you can do to stop that. But, most often, it is all just WS fogese.

Negotiations only happen from a position of strength. If he were otu of the affair or wanted out, there would be no need to negotiate.

A part of the deal with Plan A is that negotiations sometimes mean getting tough. Remember President Reagan at the nuke conference in Rekavik in the 1980s? Mikhail Gorbachev was insisting on somethign that Reagan was not prepared to do. So what did Reagan do. He stood up...and left. People screamed "why did you do that? You are blowing it? You will make them mad and they wont want to negotiate."

But Reagan understood what all good negotiators understand...you must do so from a position of strength and you must be capable and willing to defend your boundaries.

ALL WSs are in love...all WSs have found their soulmate...ALL WSs say the same stupid stuff your husband is saying. Sorry to say this...but neither you nor your husband is unique. Take a couple of days and read the theads on here of people who made it. Go back to their beginning threads. Look at mine, Mimi's, Dorry's...and others. Look at what the WSs said and did. It is a broken record.

I feared the same things you do. The issue is will you overcome that fear and go with the plans that have been proven to be the best chance for yoru marriage to survive?

Or will you just bide your time until the divorce hearing.

In His arms.

And by the way...Reagan got his way shortly thereafter!

In His arms.

"It takes time for the fog to clear and a WS to begin to see themselves correctly." But I agree with this -- I'm trying to buy time! Everything I've read, from MB to Michelle Weiner Davis to Frank Pittman to other infidelity experts that get thrown out here, says that it takes time, to wait it out, to be patient, that the A will die when the romance starts to fade or they start to fight or it starts costing too much or they have an epiphany or whatever.

So here I am, sitting tight. What's the difference between waiting it out and trying to meet their ENs and being an attractive alternative to the OW and *enabling cake-eating*?

I'm creating a cheerful and pleasant home for when he comes by, I'm being a giver, I'm showing that I'm strong and getting a life and changing while putting deposits in his LB, blah, blah. I'm not meeting him at the door with his slippers and the paper like the dog does, but neither am I meeting him at the door with the latest news that I just told his second cousin that he's cheating.

Isn't this how you wait it out?? I've tried to read all I can about plan A on here, but frankly, I have come across different interpretations. Help! I have no idea what I'm doing, obviously, but I appreciate all your advice.

HUGE!! HUGE DIFFERENCE!! As Steve Harley told me..."you cant shorten the affair, but you can lengthen it." How? Well, one way was to let it to fester in secrecy. You see, you have exposed. Now after exposure, it is time to meet ENs and be attractive alternative. So, you have done all of the right things. What I am saying here is for those that will come along and take your advice and NOT expose...and expect the same results you will get and we have gotten. And it aint gonna happen. Plan A isnt just about meeting ENs. One of the main reasons my wife said she came back to me was that I had stood up to her. I made boundaries (as well as changes) and I stood by those boundaries.

Exposure is always necessary if you dont want a longer affair. While they will probably be banging for a while longer, do you really want to help them have more than they could have? No you wouldnt. As I said, it will be the exposure that will make the affair "die" and seem less attractive. Once that happens, then your new found attractiveness will be what brings him toward you.

All good stuff! But guess what? You dont tell your husband you told anyone else. You dont need to. The pressure will come from them. And even if they say little, the pressure of the guilt and embarassment will weigh heavily on that relationship. They will have to look at the relationship the same way everyone else is looking at it...sick and disgusting!

Hey, none of us knew what to do. But, you are doing the right things. You exposed. And now you are letting that exposure begin to tear apart that relationship like acid on metal. In the meantime, as the pain increases and the "fun" begins to die down...he will be seeing and remembering this new woman that looks new...better!

That is the idea of Plan A. But never think that you can take one part of this out and it will work. Never think that you can expose...and then not do the other things like meet ENs. Never think that you can meet ENs...but not expose. Exposure does one part of the plan (it destroys the affair). Meeting ENs and being an attractive alternative is the other part.

So far, it seems you are doing fine. You may end up having to go to Plan B. But that isnt for a little while.

Hang in there and come here to vent...or for help. You will be fine...just as we all have found our way.

In His arms.

P47D,

Just wanted to let you know I am still keeping updated on your sitch. I do not have much to add cause I never had to go to Plan B so I do not have experience with your situation.

I'll chime in when I feel I have something useful to add. Also you are free to continue calling me. I know how lonely these situations are.

BTW - Gramn recently went to Plan B and the recent portion of his thread may prove useful to see how a determined WW can try to mess up Plan B. Please review it. It can be pretty difficult to implement Plan B without considering how you intend to handle a bunch of potential problems. A good Plan B must be implemented perfectly for maximum results. Do your homework.

Mr. W