My wife was cheated on early in her life, and was deeply saddened and traumatized by the incident. I too failed her early on in our relationship, back in '91; I had feelings for another girl, and ended the relationship with my wife previous to having any relations with the new girl. Unfortunately, a "friend" decided to break the news for me to her about what was going on, and things were bad between us for the longest time. A couple years in fact, until we decided to get back together again... So while I never cheated on her per se, it was never-the-less extremely painful for us both. I promised never for that to happen again.

We remained together, and married in '99, and now have two wonderful children. Times are tough, money is tight, and I as the dad have decided to stay home and look after my kids in order to raise them, since I know what it's like to live in a fatherless home myself. My wifes' mom is sick now at an early age with cancer, and the stress is high around the house. We decided to play an online game together in the hopes of alleviating some of the stress with mind-numbing gaming, but I quickly grew sick of the game. My wife however, did not. Slowly, she became more and more addicted to this game and the time she spent chatting. Never would have I suspected anything was afoot, until I noticed a certain avatar (another player) always "gaming" with her, and hanging about. If you think of this game as a virtual chatroom- you'd not be too far off the mark.

Anyway, a couple months passed, and I felt that maybe the time away from thinking about her mother while playing was actually therapeutic. I ignored the furtive glances over her shoulder if I got too close to the computer, but only for a while. I noticed this other character around her more and more often. I am very computer savvy, so I decided to install a keylogger. It turns out my wife was having Cybersex with this fellow. It wasn't just cybersex, but calling him Love, and Babe, and Hun... They talked about what was going on between the two and my wife insists that the other chap knew she was married and nothing was ever going to come of it. I am devastated regardless. What I read in the keylogger, has and will change me forever. I too am like you, I really wanted to just give up, walk away like I did when I was 20, start over again, perhaps die even.

I have been a stay-at-home dad for the past 4 years, and my sole means of supporting myself is from her income alone. I killed the game pronto. I asked her what she knew of this guy- supposedly not much. It was all pure fantasy. Just a first name, a country, and a guestimate of age... no outside-of-the-game contact, so she said. I love her dearly, and took her word for it; I was angry, ripped the house apart, became despondant, but collected my thoughts again. However, perusing the keylogged files again tonight (all this only happened 4 days ago)- since I really want to get closure on this chapter in my life, I noticed something in the screenshots (yes, the program takes screenshots every 10 seconds of whatever is currently displayed)- that read: "Send you an e-mail tomorrow. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />" While she hasn't played the game since, I now know she was lying to me about the outside contact. She claims that they just said "Hi" every now and again, even though in the one day of keylogging I did, I saw messages from her such as "I missed you", "You're the first thing I think of in the morning", and she "wishes that she was there in body and mind to feel how hard he was for her". I am nearly now crying thinking of it.

I don't know... She claims that she wanted to spare me anymore hurt, thus lying to me about the email contact. Via email she immediately terminated the "affair", and we now need to be on the long path to reconciliation. I feel violated though, and deeply betrayed. I don't know what to do, it's fresh and painful; however, she claims she was deeply stressed and angry with me for various reasons, and that it will never happen again. I hope not. I love her deeply, as I do my children. I am betraying my self-imposed standards by staying with her, but she took me back once upon a time, and I will always remember the courage that must have taken for her. I dunno though, I too need advice and comfort, and am not really sure if it's "over" despite her claims. She used email addresses that had her real name attached and it makes me worried she will go to even greater lengths and use her work email for correspondence... Any advice is needed and welcomed. Thanks.

well glad to see you found MB forums. This is a very good place to help you with your hurts and other problems. I also am BS, my wife found I guy I work with to have a PA with a few years ago. This that you are going through can be overwhelming at times , but you can get pass it. I know staying with her is against all you beleive it was with me also, but I'm glad I did now. Me and my wife have a much better marraige now than ever ...and you can as well. Hang in there, be patient, take care of yourself and try to focus on the love for her and your family first. If you can get her to ...do the EN test at the site. It helped me understand where I went wrong with my wife's needs. I feel for you It's VERY painful..but keep hope in your hands and your marriage can survive.

Hi. I unfortunately know where it went "wrong". Simply a lack of compassion and caring and simply taking her for granted. It hurts to admit this. I found this site via About Marriage boards, and am thankful I did. I need some support now like I never have in my life. I feel like my best friend was allowed to slip from my grasp, and am sorry that it happened.

I am so confused though at why the EA started in the first place, after all that we have been through. I screamed at her again and again, "WHY!? How could you have done this to me! To US!?" Unfortunately, I never saw her really break down, and the anger and resentment she feels for me is apparent. I feel like she owes it to me to feel sorry for herself, but it's hard to when so much has slipped by, and especially when her ego has been stroked by this other chap, anything she wanted to hear, I'm sure she received.

I did, when I met another girl years back. It's so overpowering the feeling of acceptance you can get from someone who doesn't need to put up with you day in and day out.

I never really got everything out in my OP, so there are details lacking, but the gist of it is there. I'm so worried that no matter what I do, I'll be standing at this crossroad in my life years down the road, but possibly losing my best friend for good. I'm so sad right now. Ashamed. I feel like it's my fault that all this happened, but I know it's not the case. After her mosther got sick, she said she really needed to re-evaluate her life. I guess that re-evaluation included her life with me.

How do you change that? If she's not happy, then maybe I should let her walk away, though she says that's not going to happen right away. Some of the stories I have read here are inspiring, some are not. Some just seem to compound the hurt I feel, and the fears I fear the most. Some of the glimpses into peoples' lives seem so much worse than my case, so I have hope at times, until I'm by myself. I keep reliving the words I saw in the keylogger again and again. I think I'm suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I can't sleep, eat, laugh. I want to trust her, but I don't know how. I'm not sure I know who she is anymore. Her anger at me is leaving ME feeling guilty, like I did this to her. And, in the back of my mind, I know she is somewhat right. I just want to see some of the pain that she caused me on her face too.

I never expected her to do this to me ever, all the nights we talked about how it made her feel when she was younger, how it made me feel when I left her, and now, she has no good reason why... We have kids. It's so selfish of her, and it makes me made when she gets mad at me for "invading" her privacy by adding the keylogger. I wish someone here would say that it'll be alright, but there's no such hope of that happening. We all have to deal with this in our own way, and while I hope for the best, I know I will have to prepare for the worst.

I don't know what to say, I just need to vent and get this out in the open. I'm ashamed to tell anyone, and the fact that I have stayed home to look after the kids has left me with little or no adult communication for years. No real friends I could talk to, no financial options for me to leave if I need to, nothing. Nothing but these little letters on a message board hoping someone can share my pain with me, anonymously.

I better sleep now. I have to get on with my real-life and hope that I don't snap at work with a customer or co-worker in the meantime. I'll check back later, when I have more time to sit back and think. Peace.

BTW I was a online game deigner for a few years which keep me away from my wife and helped her develope her affair and relationship with OM. I no longer play or design online games at all. Most people do not realise how real it is or dangerous that the online gaming world can be to a relationship. I know you can not see it now , but you can fix this and things will be much better than ever if you do. Read all the material you can about affairs it will help you identify and mend problems in your marriage. if you have to knock out the PC for a bit so it cannot be used for a while, ALL CONTACT WITH OM MUST STOP before healing can start. Take the RAM out if you have too. You must take an active role in saving your marriage.

Yeah, that was the first step, dumping the gaming. I warned her about the trial and tribulations of what could happen, and at first, we even joked about how corny people who did that were... Gaming is a hobby of mine, or rather was.

However, she was lamenting the other day on how odd it felt not to be playing. This worried me, to no end. If I was Spiderman, you could say that my Spidey-senses fired off immediately, unsure of how much she really wanted things to change. I had the same kick-in-the-gut feeling when she told me that no outside contact had been made, and I found out otherwise, or when I told her I felt like logging on to talk to this OM- she fiercely insisted that talking to this other guy would be pointless. I just don't know. I really feel something more is going on.

On a quick note (despite my use previously), I'm unfamiliar with some of the acronyms people use here. EN, BS? The others I can figure out so far. Thanks.

look at the post in this forum called...
Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

it will tell you what you need to understand the acronyms.
BS--betrayed Spouse
EN--Emotional Needs
WS---Wayward Spouse..(her)

I say confront OM..now!...tell him leave your wife alone.
He may not know shes married. If hes married confront his wife first.Only good can come from it. No secrets ...everything in the open.

Heh, funny I didn't see that sticky to begin with... My mind is in a weird place right now.

Anyway, regarding the OM- you obviously know the nature of the games. The chances of talking with this fellows' wife is about nil, and at anytime he could simply place me on the "Ignore" channel, so I would never be heard from again. Still, I plan on firing off one simple message to him in the hopes that he'll be open for communication, or simply at least accepts the fact that he's done damage.

Again though, I don't have high hopes, he's more than likely an unemployed loser, who's done this time and again... also the fact that he lives in the UK is another issue, however for those with the money and the will, there's only a short 5 hour flight over to here/there if one wanted.

Anyways, I tried to send a message in-game, but the guy isn't online. I'll try again later, but I don't want to wait too long. My wife will be upset with me if she finds out, and I don't really want to upset the delicate balance we have at the moment. Thanks again. Be back soon, I'm sure.

Delicate balance?? are you kidding me!!
what game is it?..everquest or some other MMO??
if you tell him "shes marriead leave her alone!" thats all you need to do. Sign in as her if you have too. Its not open communication you need.With the key logger you have her passwords.
If she comes back after you tell him that..you know she still has contact with him.Stop the contact at all costs...Marriage is not a tight rope its not a delicate balance..Its a Strong Bond and commitment, dedication.
Step up start to fix things its not just her..you need work as well.This "I never cheated on her per se" come on..
Own up on the damage you did do and fix the damage she is currently doing...do you want to loose her?

"This "I never cheated on her per se" come on.."


Hey, I do resent that. I had feelings for another woman, once, along time ago. And unlike my wife, before I got too deep and involved, I called it off with her. Still hurts yes, but what else could I have done? Unlike now, and unlike my wife, I wasn't married and a father at the time. HUGE difference. I was young, naive, and immature. I had no experience with other women, so the feelings I had procured, were powerful and unexpected. I was not looking for it, though rarely we do.

That's why, in my experience, I am understanding of why my wife did what she did. Especially considering the emotional detachment I had with her.

Anyway, I killed (erased) her avatars and the whole game. That was first and foremost. It was a noisy distraction for the important things in our life. I also ended up talking to this fellow, nothing nasty, just told him he should be mindful of what he was doing in future, even though he was being a bit smarmy by telling me more would have happened if they were in closer proximity.

I don't know, maybe they would have, but I'm pretty sure not. My wife is good enough looking to get someone close by- and I tend to believe her when she said she was acting out a fantasy. A destructive fantasy none-the-less, but constructive as well. I have decided to really start spending time with her, and getting reacquainted with what we've been missing out on the last few months.

It's been a real eye-opener, but honestly, though serious, it's not as bad as it could have been, like some of the stories I have read here. They're nightmares compared to my story. We are both going to do our EN tests, and concentrate all our energies on each other. I think she knows the damge done, and that I'm willing to change, and that willingness, has made something click in her too. We spent the whole evening in each others' arms last night, till early in the morning, with a genuine interest and openness in our conversations. I felt like I was 18 again. It's something I plan on doing actively for a long while to come.

It was truly refreshing. However, I told her we can't rest on our laurels, we need to actively reconstruct why we fell in love in the first place, and to never forget the reasons. I can do it, and I'm sure she can too. I think she's thinking she's the luckiest woman in the world right now.

Anyway, thanks for the help, and I hope this post remains here as inspiration and hope for all the lost souls here. I'll come back occasionally to check up on replies, and an update. As well, I plan on using the site as a major hand in rebuilding my marriage, it has a TON of great stuff- simple concepts, but sometimes it's the simple stuff we forget to put into everyday practice. I'm glad it's here as a reminder. Thanks again- peace out.

after reading your first post again it still looks like your talking about another woman you were seeing during your marriage. You did not say you were not married at the time....sorry.
read as much as you can about EA's and maybe soon enough things will get better.

Yeah despite my claims I had a small EA a few years back, myself. The EA I think it was rather one-sided (mine lol) but I learned a lesson then. There was no kissing, just a pleasant feeling while being around this individual. This is the email I was to send my wife soon, because I feel so alone at times, and I wondered if it says anything about my intentions. Is it confusing? It's a letter about confusion, so maybe. Should I send it?

• This is just a draft, and I don't plan on sending it. I think I figured out was bothering me so much. and it scares me. I think it's you who I feel is not going to change. There's all the little things you do that bother me, that you don't want to correct, or can't- because they are a part of you for so long, it's ingrained.
  
  So what the ****** do I do now?
  
  I'm in this relationship for you and I, the children are just individuals who, one day, will make their own choices and whatnot. I care for them, and their upbringing, but it's not the priority in my emotional and spiritual life, you are, you are my lesson in this life, I'm sure of it now. Love, I think, may be the universal entity that can never be seen, that we strive for. God maybe...?
  
  It's not, in reality, this rosy fairy-tale where all the dreams come true; where family looks after family (you were a part of my family and that theory was shattered). My dad left us without a thought, so I knew it was false when I heard you first say it. It felt reassuring to hear you say it though. Maybe my dad did teach me a valuable lesson after all... How to survive an affair. However, I needn't have to say that his was a shining example. So what lessons did I learn from you then? Never to take anyone for granted? Grief? Seperation or union? Sadly, I don't know yet.
  
  I had my part- I know, but I realized that after my emotional affair with that girl from ******, I could never follow through to do anything to you. I wanted to find my hurts assuaged elsewhere, but I figured that wasn't the thing that would fix us...
  
  Going off and physically cheating on you isn't going to correct things, nor is another woman. It's you I want. I kept telling myself that a "[censored] was a [censored]"- it's not what I'm after, but the mind behind the vagina. The woman. You. I didn't want to tell you because, what would the point be? I figured out something, and was glad for it, and didn't want to hurt you.
  
  But it feels like work right now, a chore to keep us going, and I'm scared to go back to the way I felt 4 years ago. **My porn viewing started around then**. I would change for you, but I'm scared you won't for me. What do I want you to change? Huh. I don't know. ****** ****** I'm confused!!!
  
  I don't know... The kids are a distraction, and something doesn't feel right between us. I feel like we're strangers. That SUCKS!!! Why did you do this, why couldn't you have stopped where I did? I wish I knew why, the way that would satisfy my impossible questions. I believe you when you say it was different, but the "I miss you", and "You're the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning," really broke my heart.
  
  Am I wrong? I hope I am... Like I said- I just want you to fill that empty space in me again that exploded like a supernova that November morning.

[b]Well, as you can see I'm in one of those moods: depressed and confused. I won't send this to her, I don't think, it'll only make things worse potentially, simply because it IS ambiguous.

Should I leave her? I'm not certain I can live with the pain she generates inside me. I feel okay when I'm around her and that everything is going to be okay, but stressful days make me prone to these moods.

Thanks for any replies in advance.

Oh ******! I just sent it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />