Well, here is my story....similar to many. We have been together for 7 years. No kids. I found out about the A about 6 months ago. I was devastated, and did all the things I wasnt supposed to....cried, begged, etc. Anyway, I finally found this website (3 months later), and started a pretty good plan A. WH agreed to work on the marriage, and promised NC. THings were going okay for awhile, until I found out he was still seeing the OW, and NC had not really been established. I exposed the A to his family and OW's family. And, of course he was angry about that, but he did get over it. Once again, he promised NC and to work on the marriage,...and I believed him, again.

Well, I recently found out again that he was still seeing OW. So, I re-exposed again. Apparently, OW's mother told me that they were told by the OW that WH was divorced since the last time I had spoken to them. I told her that was news to me. I couldn't believe it! Anyway, WH was so angry after that, and said "it is over." Thanks to this site, I knew what to expect, and that made it easier. That was about a month ago. The in-laws have been very supportive of me, and are disgusted with him...they havent spoken to him in a month. And that means alot to me, especially knowing how close they were before all this happened. His mother even called OW and called her a "homewrecker", "golddigger," and other things. She even called the OW's parents and yelled at them. I didnt tell her to do it, but I didnt stop her either.

So things have been rough since this second exposure. I dont see much of him anymore, as I beleive he is with OW. Well, last night he called and said he wasnted a divorce. Apparently, the OW gave him an ultimatum. We talked for over an hour. And he told me "I am sorry...this is all my fault." I asked him if he had thought things through, and if this was really what he wanted. He then said he wasnt sure. He said the OW couldnt make him laugh or smile like I did, and he hated not having his parents and the rest of his family in his life. I told him I wanted to work on the marriage, and that the only way it was going to happen is if there is NC. I left it that.

I am so scared because this is the first time he has mentioned divorce and I actually beleived him. Not sure what to do. Obviously, the OW isnt happy either if she is giving him an ultimatum. Just not sure if I am ready for plan B Anyway, thanks for listening.

If you don't want a divorce, let HIM do the legwork. Don't "give" him anything. I may not be an expert on PlanA/PlanB, but I think it's high time you not only get ready, but start putting your PlanB into effect. He needs to see what he's missing, and the only way he'll see that is if he has to deal with HER 24/7. His fantasy life will likely come crashing down on him.

Hang tough, and get his family's moral support.

This sounds like a very good time to talk to one of the Harleys. They will have specific recommendations for a critical time like this.

So, if you can, call the MB counseling center. The number is on the main site.

BTW, ultimatums of any kind from OP are always a good omen. Very LB of her.

Otherwise, it’s probably best to stay in a very dark Plan B right now. Do not give WH any LBank deposits whatsoever. Let him ache for you. (Send a good Plan B letter so he has a roadmap back?)

With prayers,

Meena,

Aphelion is dead right on!! Ultimatums are a real romance breaker and can throw a bucket of cold water on the A better than anything.

He is talking to you about her shortcomings, which is also very good. PlanA your tail off. Take him lunch at work one day..nothing wrong with that, a good wife taking her husband some lunch. And make sure you look HOT!!

No R talk though, except to say a big NO to the big D.

I just saw Aphelion said to plan B....Hmmmm

If the A is cracking wouldn't plan A be more useful at this juncture? But I know not the whole sitch. Maybe plan A has been exhausted.

k

Thanks guys for your suggestions. I am not sure of plan b because of exactly what krusht said. This is the first time he has ever mentioned her shortcommings. Also, WH has a job interview in a different state this month, which I am hoping he gets. Then we can get away from all this and really work on our marriage. However, if he does get offered this new job, the earliest we could move is in 7 months b/c of his work committments here. So therein also lies my dilemna of plan a or b.

meena, I say Plan A your [censored] off for awhile. This affair is in its death throes right now and as it dies, you will be sittting there pretty as can be. Do not pressure him, do not lovebust him, just "be there" for him in his time of emotional turmoil as his affair goes through the death throes. That will cause HUGE trouble in paradise. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The OW will be so jealous that she will love bust! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do that for a bit and when you have him attracted to you once again, and completely sick of the OW, then spring the Plan B trap!

And like the others said, don't lift a finger to help him get a divorce. Tell him, "I don't do divorce, I will only discuss working on our marriage."

Wow mel!

That is soooo huge!

I LOVE IT!

That is a must-do!

peachy, did you see the same things in her situation that I did? I just see so much opportunity here!

Well, WH spent this entire weekend with me, but it was weird. I didnt enjoy his company at all. He was very anxious, distant, reserved all at the same time. He couldnt sit still. Wasnt affectionate at all, and didnt conversate much either. But, he wasnt angry, and he wasnt glued to his cell phone like he usually is. I dont know what is going on with him and OW because I havent asked him much about it. He did tell me it has been about 5 days since he has talked to her. I dont know if its the truth, because he has lied about everything else. His cell phone records dont show any cell phone activity, but he may have found another way to communicate with her without me knowing. He also seemed sad. I continued with my plan A, and just let him be. He will find out in a few weeks if he gets this new job in another state, and I really hope he gets it, so we can leave (hopefully there will be a "we"). Anyway, what is this behavior? Is it fog, withdrawl, confusion or what?

Hmmm...wonder if OW is trying her version of Plan B with him? LOL! If they only knew how perfect that is for BSs!

Anytime he's away from OW, he's feeling withdrawal. Anytime he's with you, he's feeling guilt.
Anytime he's alone with himself, he feels both x100 plus then all he can do is think and that the last thing he wants to have to do.

My WH would do that too. On our first failed recovery attempt he was a dark cloud in the house. Forever mopey. Seemed to always be depressed and listless. I could never please him no matter what I did or said. But I kept trying as much as I could.

I can't really give you any advice other than what's already been said: Call the Harleys, Plan A, hang in there.

Just keep breathing...

I am getting sooo frustrated with WH that I just have to vent. Well, again, I havent seen much of him lately (since this past weekend), but he seems so miserable. I guess I would be to if I had to juggle 2 separate lives. It seems stressful, and yet he continues. He even admitted that he likes to stay at work as long as possible, so he doesnt have to think about things.

So here is the latest....He called about 2 days ago and after listening to him babble for 3 hours, he said he was filing for D. Then he called again about 30 minutes later to talk about the weather and the dogs. Weird, huh?

After that i didnt hear from him again until this evening, (when he started calling every hour when i didnt pick up the first time.) When I did pick up, I had to do all of the conversating. He didnt talk. He was so grumpy, and then finally he reminded me of the D. I asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted, he said "no, but I have the papers." He said he got them off the internet. Then he hung up very upset. I dont know why he is so upset and miserable with me. I think the OW is really pressuring him, but I am afraid that she will succeed into making him do it.

Like all WS...OW has done so much damage to not only our marriage, but she has torn him away from his family with whom he used to be so close to . I am going to spend thanksgiving with them as planned, but WH is not going. Dont know what he is going to do...either spend it alone or with OW. Either way it is his loss. He seems to be hitting rock bottom.

Couple of thoughts Meena.

Like all WS, he is talking alot of $hyyt about getting the divorce....ok, if a man wants something, he will go get it. He is "throwing" it in your face as a way of letting you know he still has the "power", as a way to "test" you.....calling you and talking about divorce and then calling you back and talking about the dogs is not the mind of someone who has any f-ing clue what they want.

If he wants the Divorce, you can be sure as he## he would be getting it. Like everything else, he can't even tell the truth about this.... I don't personally believe that the OW can make him do anything that he doesn't WANT to do....yeah, I know the talk of "addiction" and "fog", but I don't see it the same way....If your WS files for Divorce, it will not be because SHE made him......I think you give her too much power....if she had her way, wouldn't you essentially be divorced right now, and him not talking to you EVER......? Huh?

Think about that for a few seconds.

What are you doing to make improvements in yourself and prepare for the next NEW stage of your life (with or without your Cheating husband). Your life will NEVER be the same again, so I just advise you to start making the changes you need so that you become a raging success no matter what the outcome of your marriage.

Questions?

Lem <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You're right. There is nothing I can do to stop him from leaving or filing for D. It took me a long time to figure that out, but I think i have. I also realized that I dont need him, just wanted him (but definately not the way he is now).

I have thought about my future without my husband, and I know I will be just fine with or without him. And that keeps me from LB'ing, crying, and being clingy. I am finishing up my resideny in 8 months, and will be able to supprt myself financially. I still hope and pray that the husband i once loved so much will return. Thank you for listening.

Meena, how about starting work on your Plan B letter? He is clearly torn and is clearly on the fence about all this. If you went into Plan B sometime in the near future, I bet it would yank him off the fence. I think he is terribly addicted to the OW but it is just not working out with her. Deep down he knows it will never work but doesn't have the courage ot dump her yet. On the other hand, he seems terrified of losing you and is not at all convinced about this D. Going into Plan B just before the holidays would be a huge wake up call for him, because he could see that you are moving on without him.

Have you read up on Plan B? Do you understand it?

Melody, I have read up on plan b, and I also believe it is time for it. He is sitting on the fence. He can't decided which side to jump to and stay there. I will start working on the letter soon. I think I am ready for this. Plus, I will get a break from all this garbage.

Meena,


This is 100% accurate. I was fortunate that the OW did pretty much the same thing. She led my poor, neglected by me, FWH down fantasy lane thru an EA into a PA with promises of great sex and nothing but devotion with (drumroll) no strings attached!

What he got was complaining, whining neediness and demand after demand after demand. Since I didn't really know what he was up to, the A died a natural death without me lifting a finger. Today, more than two years after it's death, FWH is horrified that he was ever involved with her.

Your H doe not want a life with OW as far as I can see. I agree that you should pleasantly begin a firm plan B. IMHO he ain't doing anything official with his downloaded off the internet divorce papers except pulling them over OW's eyes!

Best of luck to you, you're doing great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi guys. I am planning on going into plan B right after thanksgiving. I had planned on starting it tomorrow and had written the letter and had prepared for it mentally. But, he called me this weekend to ask if he could spend thanksgiving with me and his family at their house. I said it was fine if his family was okay with it.

Anyway, our anniversary also happens to fall on thanksgiving. And I dont know if I should give him anything. A part of me thinks that if I do, he will feel sort of rewarded or entitled to his behavior.

Other than that each day seems to get a little better than the day before for me. Some days are still bad, but there are fewer of them than in the beginning. I have realized that I do not want my WH, but rather only my H.

You seem to be doing very well. Start writing your Plan B letter and post it here. It usually takes several tries to keep it short and sweet, and eliminate the LB's and DJ's. Also I think it takes a bit of time to get yourself psyched up for it.

It is extremely important to do a solid, dark Plan B. So figure out now all of the things that might need to communicate about with your WH and how they will be handled.

Maybe just give him an anniversary card with a brief review of some of the good times you've had, and express hope for a happy future together. Don't mention OW or the A, just a little vignette of your marriage without the history re-write.

Hmmmm. OW sounds really desperate and it makes me wonder why? I mean your husband clearly isn't gung-ho about divorcing you and he seems like he's doing so under great duress.

I hate to say this out loud, but is she telling him she's pregnant, perhaps? Wouldn't be the first OW to pull that one. I only throw it out there because his talk of divorce and joining you at Thanskgiving are so at opposite ends. What is she holding over his head, ya know?

As far as a gift, you can freely give whatever you are comfortable with because you are celebrating your commitment to the marriage, not his. Perhaps a well-written Plan B letter could be included for him to read later. I can't think of a nicer "send-off."

~ Snow