Something that has been on my mind and heart lately that I wanted to share with the people here.

I've referred to this in a couple of my posts on various threads, but thought I'd bring it up as it's own topic.

NOTE: IF YOU ARE NOT A CHRISTIAN OR ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY RELIGIOUS CONVERSATIONS, THIS THREAD WILL CONTAIN SUCH DISCUSSIONS...YE HAVE BEEN WARNED! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Quick history:

Wife began an online emotional affair around the March/April 04 time frame. She made sure that I 'met' this guy online as well, and we all three gamed together in a MMORPG that many people play. I began to suspect things for sure around mid April, but didn't get 'proof' until mid-May, when I managed to capture logs of their IM sessions. All lovey-dovey stuff, hurt like heck to read. Confronted her on 05/11/04...he bought her plane tickets online so that she could go live with him...even though they had NEVER met in person. She moved out of the house that day (Tuesday) and was scheduled to fly on Friday evening. Long story short, I finally spoke with her Friday morning, she began to doubt her choices, and OM called while she was doubting and told her that it was over. Went through about 3-4 weeks of fighting NC and withdrawl...but she made the choice to stay and we've been doing pretty well ever since.

The point:

Prior to d-day, when I was suspecting what was going on, I prayed and prayed, and begged God to help me fix my marriage. And from my perspective at the time, it seemed like it did nothing but make matters worse. The fights over online time got worse, she began REALLY withdrawing from me...it was bad.

On d-day, I gave up and changed my tactics. I sat down and cried, and begged God to do what He wanted to do here. I asked Him to allow His will to come through...that whatever it was that He wanted, He give us the wisdom to work towards that, and that He give us the strength to get there and survive it. If He wanted my marriage to end, then I asked that He go ahead and do so...and that He give me and my kids the strength to live with that. And I even prayed that if that was what He wanted, that He help me to forgive and to take care of my wife regardless of what happened. And if He wanted my marriage to heal, I asked that He help ALL of us to get to that point...and that He give ALL of us the strength to get to that choice and to help all of us recover from this...even OM.

Immediately, things started to change. My wife actually started to LISTEN (somewhat) to what the kids and I and her sister was telling her about this situation. That she couldn't possibly know OM well enough...and that there were tons of things that she'd blinded herself to about him that would have made it impossible for her to be happy with him.

I truly think that the only reason we recovered was because it was left in God's hands...not that I quit trying, not that I felt that I shouldn't do anything. But that I knew that whatever God wanted for us would be the best possible solution for ALL of us.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I'd like to suggest to all the people going through these rough times...if you're a believer...or even if you're not. Just pray and ask God to make happen what He wants to happen in your situation...ask that He show you (and WS, and OP, and everyone else around you) what He wants done...and that He give you the strength and power to reah His goals...not yours.

Be careful what you pray for...you might be amazed at what happens!

I hope this gives someone a lift today...my wife and I are working on year 2 of recovery...and things aren't looking bad at all. I've healed a LOT...and my marriage is doing very well too!

I really struggle with this, because my marriage ended up in divorce.

I am having a hard time accepting that divorce is God's plan for a marriage.

I just have to wonder why God seems able to get the attention of some WW's and not able to get the attention of others.

I thought for certain God would reach her, that He would save the marriage and we would not end up divorced.

My faith has about been crushed because I just couldn't imagine God not being able to reach her, or show me what I needed to change.

My healing still really hasn't come either. I want the anger and the frustration of this marriage failing to just go away. But no matter how many times I offer it to God, it's still right here with me.

Well, gotta get back to work. At least I've been blessed with computer talent.

T

Enlighted Ex- Hopefully someone else will respond here, I am by no means an expert! But I did want to give what little encouragement I could!



Divorce is NOT God's plan for a marriage! We all know that!! God hates D. God created rules for us, for living, in order to protect us from harm. Rules like "don't lie," "Don't covet" and "Don't break your vows". God does not intend for marriages to break up. But God also does not intend for spouses to cheat. That is a horrible thing for a spouse to go through. In Gods plan for our lives we were all supposed to stay in the garden of Eden and live happily ever after! But because of our own free will, our stubborness, and our lack of self control, God has had to allow divorce in the case of an unrepentant adulterous spouse.

In my case, my Ex never wanted to repent. we were married 18 years, and the day he left he moved in with OW and never looked back. He would not go to counseling, would not sit in the same room with me and talk, would not listen to our pastor. Friends tried to talk to him - he would not take their calls. I begged God, and pleaded. finally I quit praying that the Lord would restore my M. I knew that was Gods desire for me - a restored M. God wanted that - and so did I. Instead of praying for a restored M I began to break it down into smaller bits. I prayed that my W's R with OW would not be comfortable for him. Turns out - it wasn't comfortable at all! I prayed that he would spend more time with the kids - one day OW kicked him out of their house, and suddenly he had more time for the kids! I prayed that the Lord would bring peace to my heart. I have buckets full of Peace these days.

After my D was final, my Ex did eventually make a half hearted attempt to reconcile. His OW was no longer speaking to him, so he began to call me. I asked him to get counseling - he never did. I asked him to quit talking to other women on his cell phone while I was around - he never did. He told me that he "wanted to get back together with me, but he had to keep a few other woman around just in case things didn't work out with me!!! he said he needed to keep his options open." At that point I was able to tell him the door was completely closed for us. I was no longer interested in a reconcilliation. I have felt such peace ever since then.

Fast forward.

I met someone else, and today I am married to a wonderful man! He is such a mighty man of God!! We have devotions together, we have fun together, he is a good man, and a great lover. I am in a M now that is so much better than I ever could have imagined.

My new H never yells, never swears, doesn't drink.
My ex once told me that one of the reasons he left me was becuase I didn't like swearing, I didn't like porn, and I didn't dress sexy enough! After he said that I cried for days and begged God to forgive me for driving my H away. I said "Lord, my H is right - I don't like swearing, or porn, and I don't dress sexy enough, please forgive me that I didn't do the things I needed to do in order to keep my H around, and now my boys don't have their dad around"

Now I realize how ridiculous that was. I begged God to save me M. I would have taken that man back and let him bring all sorts of awful stuff into our home. But that did not happen. And now I know why. God had a MUCH better plan for me.

I never actually told my new H that story about how my Ex said he left me because I "didn't dress sexy enough". that was a pretty devastating thing to hear, and I have kept it to myself.
One day my new H and I were shopping together. He spotted a skimpy, sexy, low cut dress hanging in the window and says "I hope you don't want to wear something like that! I don't want any other men to see my wife dressing like that! My wifes body is for my eyes only"

Tears rolled down my cheeks. I have married a man who loves me, and appreciates my morals. He finds me attractive just the way I am.

My story has a differnt ending from the original poster here - my first M ended in D. But I prayed for Gods guidance, his wisdom, and his peace. And he has given it to me in great big buckets full.
Praise God.

Amen

Woman Of Faith,

That was a beautiful story. I am so happy for you. God always has a blessing if we would be willing to hear that still small voice and trust him.

Lifted Up

I too prayed for my W (now XW) to come back and reconcile our M.

She left 6+ years ago (A lasted 7 years total)...
...she was recently cheated on a few months ago...
...and they split up.

She in no way wants to come back home...
...and the bottom line is...

I can accept this for my life.
I can accept that it is HIS providence.
...it is all gift to me.

I know I can serve him as a single...
...raising my children to know right from wrong.

Many people can't buy into the concept of divorce...
...without remarriage/dating.

I say unequivocally, it can be (and for me) is HIS will.

Jim

Well, I don't think that God's plan is EVER divorce...but at the same time, we confusing people tend to make a mess of pretty much anything when we start fighting what he'd like to see for us. In some cases, people are so willful to do what THEY want to do (ESPECIALLY WS's) that God can't work His will in their lives...but He CAN continue to work His will in the lives of those that let him. So while maybe He didn't want your M to end in divorce, it's entirely possible that He did the best possible ALTERNATE plan He could...since His original plan for your marriage was destroyed by WS.

And there is a great deal of peace that you can get when you turn it all over to Him. It doesn't end your responsibility to do your part...but it is comforting to know that you're doing your share with His help...and hopefully with His blessings as well.

My wife's faith ebbed during her A...with the exception that she was convinced that God had put OM in her life for a reason. When I suggested that that reason might be as a warning sign to us that we needed to fix things in our marriage...it didn't go over well with her!! LOL

And oddly enough, my faith grew stronger as things got worse...I prayed a lot more...not just about what was going on, but about everything. I KNEW that He was listening, and I was just waiting for His answers.

Please don't let your D harm your faith friend. Again, He probably didn't want that for either of you...but at the same time, He may have basically had to do so in order to at least give ONE of you a chance to recover from what was going on. Keep praying, keep seeking His peace, and see what happens in your life.

As an agnostic, I was always puzzled by those that prayed for "things" (fix my M, heal my disease, etc) as my understanding of Christianity is that God is not supposed to be the Omnipotent Favor Provider...giving them out as He sees fit...

A Christian friend of mine told me that it is always best to pray for the STRENGTH and WISDOM to shoulder whatever burden Life/God is placing upon you.

Praying for a new transmission for your '74 Pinto will get you nothing.

>I am having a hard time accepting that divorce is God's plan for a marriage.

>I just have to wonder why God seems able to get the attention of some WW's and not able to get the attention of others.

It could be that those He manages to get their attention are those that are listening. Remember, "he that hath an ear, let him hear."

The bigger issue is we, even as children of God still have free will. We can still do what we want, even if it means disobedience. Of course, the flip side to that is a little thing called consequences and the Bible is full of them. Just take David and his adulterly with Bathsheba. Not only was David involved with murder, but afterwards, he reaped what he has swon. 20,000 men lost their lives not to mention David's son Absolom. So, more often than not, the consequences are harsher than the actual sin.

>I thought for certain God would reach her, that He would save the marriage and we would not end up divorced.

Again, maybe He did try, but God is not a puppet master. We still have the free exercise of will. We can still choose right from wrong or visa versa. If God acted and forced His will, then He would simply have a bunch of puppets.

Part of this christain walk is growing in Christ. God never promised a wonderful life and in fact said there would be many trials and tribulations. The Christian walk is not an easy one. But, He will not force His will on anyone. He may bring you to a place where you/we have to make a choice, but He will not force it. Just ask Adam and Eve.

>My faith has about been crushed because I just couldn't imagine God not being able to reach her, or show me what I needed to change.

It wasn't you, but her. God is able, period. Afterall, He is God! With Him "all" things are possible. But again, is this issue of free will. Did God force Jesus to the cross? No, He went of His own free will. He laid His life down willingly.

Remember, the nation of Israel prayed to be saved and they were. Then when told of the promise land, they refused to enter becasue there were giants in the land. God then spanked them for 40 years. Again consequences. If you need more, again, look at the nation of Israel. Time and time again they disobeyed God and He simply let them run their leash only so far until He reeled them back in.

Now in our case (I'm in the same boat as you) we might wonder why God has a 3 foot leash for me and a 30 foot leash for our WW's? I don't know why, but the fact remains that in the end, and that is where it matters, your WW along with mine will have to make amends. Your purpose is to do the will of God in your own life and leave the dirty stuff up to the Lord. Remember, "vengence is mine, sayeth the Lord."

Remember too, God will NOT honor these unions. It may seem like He does because on the surface, folks seem happy, but if that were really true, then why do these Christian D's end in another D some 90 percent of the time? It's all a lie from the pit!

Of course, our WW's cross to bear might be a life of misery with the OP. One never knows. But the fact remains that once we give the situation up to God, we have to trust that He WILL do what is right even though it may not be or seem right to us. God is just and He is a righteous judge, and that is what we have to bank on. Anything less than that only brings in doubt and fear.

I too have given up my M to God. I have repeatedly told Him that He is in control and He has to do something! Of course, we want Him to do what we want, but really, how many times does that happen? It's a bitter pill, but Job suffered for 20 years yet never complained! Who am I then?

Make no mistake, God hates divorce. Remember, and remember this continually: The entire Bible is a book of restoration, period. It's sole purpose is restoration, and God's sole purpose is restoration.

p47d
p47d

Owl,

I have always prayed for the BEST OUTCOME.I know in my heart that God has only the best in store for me.Sure I have been to "he**" and back but it's all part of the bigger plan to live a life closer to God,IMO.It would be so boring and stagnant not to have growth and I truly believe that growth does occur in great strides through adversity and hardship.We cannot appreciate what we have if we are not challenged.But who wants to feel bad right?

It's not about asking for all good things all the time but having faith and keeping the faith in every situation.Similar to what you have been saying.Divine order.

I think it's very hard for many to accept that God has a plan in store for us that may not be what we want or think we need.It's very hard to come to terms with that.We then start to question and lose faith and feel forgotten.But when we realize that other's are also on their own journey and divine path then it may be possible to accept that for yourself,it isn't a matter of the marriage being "saved",as an example, because the most growth or the best outcome isn't that way.Like WOF said.In order for her to live a happier life with a wonderful man the old life had to be let go.

I also felt this.Something incredibly horrible had to happen for me to break away from my WH.And the A was it.But I know God has something wonderful in store for me if I am open to it.Whether or not it's another man,I have no idea but I trust that it will be good for me.But the key is in **trusting in God and your faith.That way you can be open to all possibilities.

On the surface,yes,I would have really wanted for my marriage and family not to be destroyed.In the back of my mind I had always wanted a stable, secure and loving marriage but I know it cannot be with my WH anymore.He is in his own world and living a life I could never be happy about or feel safe in and HE made those choices.And in a way I am excited to think about the possibilities.I hadn't felt that my WH was on "equal par" with me for many years.I was doing a lot of introspection and growth just on my own whereas he was devolving into a more selfish and dishonest life of withdrawal.I am not rewriting history here but I do recognize what was going on, it wasn't that important at the time since I loved him so deeply.I knew I couldn't change him so I accepted him as he was.I would love to be able to share my faith and spiritiuality with another man since I wasn't able to with my WH.It was a part of my life I could not POJA or have him included,he didn't want to be.

Does God "make" things happen? Is it all divine order? Who knows for sure.Myself,I still struggle with what is going on in mass groups and how that is "handled".How is God reaching all those *individuals.

Anyway,I agree with what you are saying and I am very glad things are going well with your WW now.That's terrific!

O

Post deleted by GBH

You'd better hope God doesn't answer that one, as you'd be better off without that transmission. Those old Pinto's explode when hit from behind, remember? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

GBH,

I'm sorry you felt that God wasn't there for you when you needed Him.What makes you think so? Was it that you didn't get your prayers anwered the way you had hoped? Just curious.

My faith isn't tied to any particular religion.I was raised Catholic.I am part of the Silent Unity Church and am guided by those principles more than anything else(Christian).But it's even more about what I feel inside.

We have all heard of the horrendous stories of abuse,etc by Priests,Rabbi's,etc.I believe it to be a stain on the workings of God and it's those *individuals that cast a dark cloud on what the most important aspects to faith are.I agree that those people that use religion to further their own causes is disruptive and misguided.

O

Certainly, there are going to be cases like this at every church. Unfortunate, but true. But I would be willing to bet that in the past 50 years your parents have also met a lot of good people, who are doing some amazing things.

I know that in my church, everyone is welcome. we have members who have struggled with drug abuse, with divorce, with domestic violence. But these people are welcomed into our church with open arms. We want to be available to love on them, to support them, to be there when they need a soft place to fall.

I hope that when people hear about my past struggles that it does not make them question their own Christianity!! I have my share of struggles, for sure. I hope that the message people take from me, from life, and from my past struggles - including my D - I hope the message people take is this one: we will ALL have struggles, but we can go through them, learn from them, and still have a happy, content life.

Jesus himself said that he has come to save the lost. Church is a great place for the lost to come.
But you may hear some of the stories of these "lost ones" and question why they are at church. I would ask you this - why not? what better place.

Owl,

I have posted this many times. I summarized it to:

"Pray for the power to change what you change and accept those things that you can not change."

It is my belief that the demons possessing the WS also infect the BS as through the marriage they have become one. My wife had taught me that the devil can not hear our internal prayers and thus prayers to cast out the devil/demons must be rendered aloud. It's one reason the Lord's Prayer is recited in many Churchs no matter the denomination (i.e.- "Deliver us from evil").

Also, in makes sense that the "affair demons" love it when they can attack the insecurities of the BS and can invoke anger and hatred of WS and OM. They hate it when you pray for peace, love and forgiveness. When a BS gives it up to God he/she directly affronts the demons that possess both spouses. Miracles happen for some. God has other plans for others. I was blessed. Things changed with my WW within about 6 hours of turning it over to God. We had our difficulties after that and it still took several weeks before "No Contact" but our trend went towards recovery on that very difficult evening.

Mr. Wondering

...right...
and those who spew forth anti-religious bigotry...
...are not(?) disruptive and misguided.

This site is meant to help people...
...not to knock down faithful people who want to help others...
...or need help from others.

Let's keep the forum focused on MB...

Jim

...

anti-christian hatred/bigotry...
...this is NOT the place for any king of hatred.

Futher posting of this kind will require moderator intervention.

Focus people... focus!

Jim

I have no idea what you just meant jim.I think you completely misconstrued what I talked about.Be careful who you decide to attack.

O

Dear Wonderings,

I fully agree with what you said about the affair demons and how they love to mess with the minds of the BS.

It has always been an obsevation of mine that when I call on God in prayer the demons try even harder to to undo anything positive! If I am growing stronger through the Lord, evil tries to hit another in my family to distract and destroy.

But I have seen miricles in the power of prayer, both in my life and around me. One thing to remember is that all things are done in His time, not ours.
I am NOT a paitient woman. LOL. I have struggled with His time frames but have learned (and am still learning) to trust in Him to do his will and as I continue to pray for myself and others, I give strength to his power and weaken the enemy.

Be Well,

Post deleted by GBH

Know what - He did give PLENTY of warning about the content of this thread. If you want to start a tirade about gay rights and Christians, don't you think it would be more appropriate to start your own thread with the same type warning about the contents.

You have thoroughly taken the thread in a different direction.

As far as I am concerned, you can be cynical all you want but it needs to be on your own thread with ample warning about the content.