Hello,
This is my first post.
I’m in Plan A and I'm following the advice of Steve Harley received during my first session with him. He says plan B will not be used. It is not in our best interest because we do not have children and are so far away. I’m trying to compete with the other man to regain her trust and her love (massive Love Units).

I’m looking for ways to generate the best impact in winning her love in spite of the fact that she left me, has moved out, she sleeps at his place most of the nights, she is infatuated with him now, she has her own place and I live 1500 miles away.

Before DDay, I offered her to move there with her and she said she could not let me do that since she is no longer in love with me (even if she still loves me). So we are now separated.

I’m reading Love Buster’s and His Needs, Her Needs, and I’m now convinced I’ve been abusive and demanding over the last 2 years and this, in part is what drove her away. I’m changing; I realize it is not the way to be happy with my spouse. LB

How can I respect her, not be a door mat and rebuild the friendship with joint enthusiastic agreements? I find it is especially hard to live with her going to the OM and with the rejection from her.

My wife and I have been married 5 years, we met almost exactly 7 years ago. I was a widower at 35. And met my wife when I was 36 and she was 26. She was a graduate student doing post graduate studies.

Things are fairly complicated; at least it's gotten that way. We do not have kids. We both whant one. Her training was demanding an average of 90 hours a week from her. We felt it was just too much and put it of.

She's a very sociable person, very involved with her relatives and extended family at that. She's also very involved with her friends, and co-workers.
I started resent her absence and all the energy she was putting outside our marriage. I'm now aware that the resentment built-up considerably. I felt so alone a lot of the time, helpless in facing the long hours she was being put through. I also felt so alone when she got home, because she was so tired, and had so little time, energy or attention to give me.

Skipping ahead a little bit.
We had both agreed that we would move to a city. The reason for this was to have time to raise a family and just live. Our goal of moving to that city was changed to going there very temporarily, like six months, for to gain experience, and to make money to pay off tuition fees. I was so fed up with that being a priority in our marriage that I told her, in a bout of despair that I was not going until she had tried living there for awhile and until she had decided if she wanted to stay there longer than that six months. Anyway, I visited her, she visited me and her family and friends here, and on July I offered to join her and move to that city. In August, she told me we had grown apart during our marriage and that she felt it was not reasonable for her to invite me to join her since she didn't feel she was in love with me anymore. I was floored.

She was in town and I had a marathon of trying to convince her to reconsider her leaving me. She officially moved away in August 2005. Her reasons for breaking up with me seemed disproportional and I had this feeling during her two weeks here at our home that there might be another man. I checked her e-mails and there he was. That was DDay and our separation day. Over the next 2 weeks I exposed the affaire to our friends and our families to her great displeasure, I confronted him and her.

I believe that she must believe her return to be in her best interest. On the emotional front I need to stop making love busters and start making major love deposits.

In the spirit of respecting her will, I don’t call often 1x a week. I email 1x to 3x a day.

If you have suggestions I’d be pleased to read them.

DLK21

Hello.
I asked her very nicely for a moment to call her and she is instead calling me from OM’s place. But she has her own place. I did not take the call. She left a message and will call later or tomorrow.
I’m trying to connect with her next week when she will be in town. I’m trying to be pleasant to her and meet some of her needs. Get her winter tires or a remote car starter, give her undivided attention and she will come to our house to pick up her winter clothes, any way I want to be nice to her. Anything that will help me deposit Love Units and help end her A.
OM is a police man and she apparently goes there when he works evening shifts. He has a computer at his place, she does not. Maybe I should bye her one.
She believes she has been very clear that she has broken up with me so it is very hard to respect that and yet be loving.
She says that she’ll call back and next time I’ll take her call but I hate to take a call from his place.

Have you found out if the other man is married?

I wish he was married, but no. He separated in July from a girl friend after 2 years. She cheated on him, left him and moved away. He has no kids.

I don't know what to respect and what to denounce? I’m staying away from LBs as much as I know how.

HI DLK21,
Sorry for your pain... I know how tuff this is....

OK... here's my 2 cents...
In a way her being so far away is a good thing... keeps you from running into "them" and love busting...

I would send her cards and letters in the mail to HER address... I would also get her a computer...you could get one delivered from Gateway.. or Dell... etc...

In the cards and letters I would tell her ONLY about what you are learning about what YOU did wrong in your Marriage....and how you desire to change and be the BEST H ever!! One that she would be proud of and never want to leave... you've been reading... find HER needs and fill them....even if it is in a letter or a bunch of surprise flowers.

DON'T talk about OM.. at all......as for uncovering the A... I've never been a big fan of that... it seems cruel and only makes the BS look like a controller and mean and slanderous.... And when you are in recovery... you'll have to EXPLAIN to EVERYONE WHY you are taking her back... a real pain...

You probably won't get a response to your cards and letters..... That's OK.... she'll tell you to give up..... don't....this is a MARRIAGE not a girlfriend/boyfriend realtionship.... she committed to you for LIFE..... already... it's not begging and being a doormat....

There was a BS here that wrote her WH letters and cards for MONTHS AND MONTHS with absoultly no reply....

Her husband finally came home suddenly one day.... STILL never said a thing about the letters.....

One day this BS was doing his laundry and found a letter he wrote him...one of the FIRST....
It was falling apart from the constant folding and unfolding her husband did by reading it OVER AND OVER AND OVER...
Although he never said a word..... he read them.... she later found ALL THE CARDS AND LETTERS SHE SENT.... he treasured her letters....but never said a thing about them...

Call the Harley's if you can....have them set a PROFESSIONAL plan for your Marriage...

IT'S NOT OVER...... YOU CAN DO THIS!!!


GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS.... FRANK

Thank you Frank

That is exactly the type of suggestions I was looking for.

I am done with the exposing the affaire, and now I’m moving into the long haul of creating grounds for her return and if possible increasing my Love Account with her. I did the emotional needs survey and will work with that also. Being there for her, expressing love and concern, giving her news on things she likes.

I think she could appreciate my being supportive of technical, around the house type of thing. I’m looking into the computer… I know she likes the lap tops but I hate to think she could take it over to his place. How frustrating. She will need to set up wireless internet at home…
I’ll contact the providers and maybe they can take care of that.

Some say that apparently the hormones and chemistry of the affaire causes her to not consider me and that until the affaire is over there is no real opportunity for recovery. I don’t want alienate her at all, no LBs.

As far as the letter writing, I’ve been emailing her every day now. I think my tone is much better with out the outrage and sarcasms, the pleading, I could barely contain. I think cards and paper letters are a better idea. I’ll start that today. And with the content you bring up.

Thanks
Dan

WW is in town and since this a rare occasion it is really hard for me not to overdo it with trying to please her.

She came to our house (her house as she says so disrespectfully of my feelings) to pick up things. She was here 45 minutes. She pushed me away when I hugged her… That was to much. She was angry when she left. She feels insulted that I don’t agree that we are no good together (and that is why she is in a relationship with OM).

A part of me is really angry at the rejection, the betrayal, is jealous and would like to throw all the rest of her personal belongings on the front lawn and tell her to come and pick them up or I’ll throw it in the trash… Ok enough venting. That would not help and would be a major LB.

On the bright side, I’m getting recognition for what I offer her and all the little things for her. In fact she is getting angry that I did not do this before. Steve says this is a good sign. Her father is apparently turning her down on taking care of her car maintenance will she will be out of town on vacation for a week in Mexico (with out OM). She is to call me back on my offer before her flights out at 11am.

On the down side, she explained to her 6 y.o. half sister that I am no longer her lover but only friends now. &?*?%# I really liked her.

I’m getting so obsessed by all this I can barely function. This seems so important to me that I wish I could spend all of my time, resources and energy on only this. But I’m getting drained; I have to take care of my self also. I went to the gym today and was out with my brother and his new girl friend and my parents tonight.

Dan

DLK21,
I bumped up a post for you it is a BRILLIANT plan A while separated. Look for a post by TryingAgain...subject Hey Carol can you elaborate on your story. It is inspiring. Keep posting. Weekends are slow around here. The most important thing right now is the you take care of yourself...eat...sleep...exercise...seek support. You will get through this we will help.

Thank you Confused42.
I read thru Carol’s thread with great interest. It is a sort of reverse psychology, 180 thing. It is better than begging, pleading, crying and pursuing and harassing her like I’m close to doing. It is nice to see her succeed. Any more like that? Is there a repertoire of success on this site?

I gave her His Needs Her Needs yesterday when she came to our house to pickup her things. This morning, she was not calling back so I did. She turned me down on driving her to the airport and picking her up. I asked her if she would be looking at HNHN and ask her to consider
If the book described well what she went thru in the last years.
If she believes that we would be in our predicament if we had applied the principals described in it.
That if someday she is interested, could this not describe a way for us to be happy together.

I believe there was a set back yesterday. She really thinks by separating for good that she is doing the right thing to make us happy in the long run. She is now refusing my attempts to be kind to her. This may be short lived.

It’s all this not knowing and the total lack of agreement that is so hard to deal with.
I miss us very much. I must not harass her.

Ok it is Saturday night; I need to line myself up for the evening.

I'm just trying to think this through. In the fog of her infatuation with the other man, she wants to separate from me. I don't want her to but I can't keep her from doing it. I don't agree that he would be a better man for her. I am very hurt that she is in a relationship with him and sleeping with him.

When she came to our house, Thursday November 17th, she noticed that I was not giving up on her and our marriage: I have pictures of us, cards she gave me. I think that troubled her quite a bit. Away from me she can’t see this stuff and can think I’m moving on. She felt like a robber coming to our house and I believe it's because she is stealing away. Betraying us and me.

I don't want to Love Bust at all but I feel so much outrage anger frustration that it comes out in my decisions and behavior toward her. For example I had hoped to see her alone on Thursday; I had even taken the afternoon off from work just to be here when she came by. Then she announced in an e-mail that should be accompanied by her sister. I felt angry and disappointed that this occasion to see each other would be in front of an absorber. And this is the Love Buster, I told her I'd ask my mother to come over knowing full well that my WW feels very ashamed of the hurt that it's causing me and she doesn't dares see her. Anyway, this pressure I put on her just in threat is that a Love Buster? I feel it is. I have to stop doing that sort of thing. It's so hard to express how I feel, I mean the hurt, without accusing.

She's not responding to my e-mails now. It's a consequence of this. What can I do? If we talk a little bit, she will easily see that I'm not giving up on us. That is a disagreement with her. I must find a way to do this in a loving manner, with at the most the expression of my sadness, grief.

She doesn't trust me with information about her relationship with the other man. When she came to our house she picked up her sexy lingerie. She said she's not into that anymore, and that was a lie. I felt in shock. That was so inconsiderate of her of my feelings. I wish I had a good way of bringing this up with her but I don't see how.

She gets angry when I offer to do things she used to want me to do for her.

She is in love, infatuated with the OM and I don’t think she likes to spend any time with me feeling so hurt by her actions and Love Busting on the way.

This is so tuff.

I will Email her this evening. I don’t know what to write.

I think you are ripe for Plan B. I do not see how your current actions will bring her back. At the very least, you should schedule another meeting with Dr. Harley ASAP, as his advice in the beginning may not be what is warranted at this moment.

Thanks UVA but I talked to Steve Harley a 2nd time last week and he still thinks without children, with the distance, with her in withdraw stage of our relationship at the beginning of her affaire, it is better to keep in contact with no LBs.

Fair enough.

I was reading SHATTERED05 (<-- link) and I’d love to do something like that. Right now I have little head way. She thinks I’m hanging on and feels that I’m being disrespectful of her will by clinging. Obviously this is her affaire talking. I have to stop being so needy but this is so hard.

She emailed me back. I thought I had over done it on her visit Thursday and blown it. We are back in plan A. I’m doing my best to answer her needs. Affection, family commitment, conversation, but most of all no LBs.

How do you support someone who is betraying you? I mean I know in her Foggy way of thinking that she thinks she is doing the right thing. I guess reverse babble and psychology may be in order here.

I’m having trouble being confident of what to write in my emails to my WW. Are “I love you”s okay or is it to much and inconsiderate of her feelings. I don’t know.

Act like a good friend. Take this as an opportunity to make love Deposits. Do not act like a lover any more, that is disrespectful, takes her for granted (witch is the opposite of her present attitude towards me) but do compliment her. Do not show any jealousy at all, that is also disrespectful of her present attitude. Get a life, find groove, take good care of myself for me and to be attractive and helpful on making love deposits. Express regret for LBs when possible and a new way of preventing and making up for LBs. Reflect knowledge of her emotional needs.

Desire her kiss before her body. Move toward being there for her instead of demanding her presence. Develop her trust before ever dreaming of her passion.

State as a matter of fact I believe that our marriage is not terminal, that it would be ideal if she could be in love with her husband and that there is a way that this could be.

My Emails made some headway this time. I reflected her attitude completely in it and as advised by Steve Harley simply stated as a matter of fact that I believe our relationship is not terminal and that I’d like to tell her about it when she feels like listening. She replied that she is but that I can not force her to accept my point of opinion. That is great by me.

So if (when?) Plan A does not work.....do you just go straight to Plan D..or stay in "A" untill your wife divorces you or you go crazy.....? whichever comes first....

Goodluck with this...

Lem

Thanks Lem,
I’m already going nuts…LOL. No seriously,
Most A don’t last. I hope to be there when her A falls apart. Because of a number of things, my odds are not good but I’m doing my best to make them better. I’m hopping my plan A will work. Otherwise at some point I will have to move on but that is not in the near future. I don’t want to D, ( and WW never believed this would happen to her) so I wait and do a plan A and I’m learning how to take care of her EN and to not LB.