It isn't mentioned much in the program here, but I think it is essential for the BS to get a life. No needs are being met by the WS, and it is difficult to go on and on in Plan A, getting nothing in return.

I got very busy. I cleaned and organized the house, painted, did the yard, detailed the car, started my own business, did OT at work, volunteered, learned to scuba dive, learned to speak Spanish, let all of my friends/neighbors/workmates know that I wanted to go places and do things.

It really helped. It gave me some happiness and self-esteem.

Getting a life is an excellent suggestion---BUT... STAY AWAY FROM MEMBERS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

Because, duh...

I'd also suggest that you stay away from people who are unsupportive or clueless of your efforts. It's very important to have a small but solid support network that can help you with the plan, even when you're feeling down about it.

Thanks everyone for jumping in with advice. DLK listen to these wise folks - they know what they are talking about.

Glad to hear you are getting around. Just so you know, no one will understand your sitch that hasn't been through it.

How about that Believer huh? Does she rock or what? Why don't you give her a run for her money and take up a new hobby? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

On the getting a life aspect: I went snow boarding this afternoon. I’m getting a lot better. I had dinner with a supportive couple who know what I am going thru.

I realised reading the input that it is possible for me to find out about her relationship with the OM just by asking her. I tried to stay away from any R talk because my WW kept trying to justify her actions and rewrite our marriage and so it was not helping. But things have evolved.

That is all for this evening. I will consider and apply the advice received.

Thank you Shattered, believer, K and Star*fish

DLK21

Hi DLK,

Thanks for your interest. Well on my side WW has broken most of the contact. WW has been to ML for the first time in months but said that I deserve better. WW has sent me one text message asking if I would help her. I answered that I will most likely help her but it depends on the type of help. WW phone next morning and asked why don’t I reply to her text and I said I have. (my phone showed that she has received my text).
As for myself well I am reading a lot, studying little and have some student parties. (typical student now). Met some very interesting people from all over the world and I will go to some of these countries with out thinking about two people. So in short my life goes on without my DW. Yes I do miss her very much. Every day that goes past I become more and more selfish, I have no stress what so ever. I am very happy that I don’t need someone ells but that I have a preference to be with someone. I will now take my time and work on myself and see what type of person I prefer to be with. There is a very big difference between being lonely and alone.

Every time I think of chatting with you on messenger, I am just too late but I have been thinking about you but I will be away for this week seeing that we have our skiing holiday. I will be back next week and I will try to get in contact with you! Then we can discuss your progress in detail.

Take care mate!
Van.

It is as if my WW is looking for a fight. She is provoking me. How do I respond...not respond to it? She is rewriting our life in a negative light and I feel so much like defending our marriage and my honour with sarcasm and angry outbursts.

For now, I just take it like Gandi or Martin Luther King or Jesus but man... The disrespectful judgements coming from her is gruelling.

It is vary hard to stand tall and take the “hits” and not “strike” back. I guess she wants me to back off more and that is what I’ll do.

Any comments appreciated.

Dlk21

She is asking for a legal separation and to sell our house so as to "move forward"! I don't really know how to keep a dialogue with her with these demands. I don't want to antagonise her either.

DLK21

Marriage presupposes that feelings can change. Marriage pre-supposes that we can fall out of love and back into love with one other.

DLK21

Hey, DLK...

How are you doing? When you said you don't want to antagonize, would that include not saying your thoughts and feelings?

When she rewrites your history, validate that she is choosing to believe that...because she is. Doesn't make it true for you, right?

Plan A can be used to really beef up your own communication skills and commitment to be open and honest (O&H).

Also reinjects respect...showing what you choose and what she chooses, placing power where it belongs.

WS are provocative...their whole set up is justification for their choices...meaning, they didn't have any other choice...entitlement fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

The more you show choice instead of entitlement, reveal that you believe we create our own resentments...where you share yours and see them for your own, and respect that you both are seperate and equal...the more chance you have at saving your marriage.

WS talk about what they want a lot...listen and repeat it back to them. They want a divorce, they want to be happy, they want to move forward, they want a legal seperation...but they don't file or do or own their stuff. Humans can't do that in fantasyland.

You stay grounded in reality, that you choose to love and know it is your choice. You can do this.

lA

Today is a very hard day. It is my WW’s birthday. I don’t know what to do or what to say.

I think she believes that I have resigned myself to her way of thinking, witch is not true. I just don’t like to argue with her when our marriage going so badly.


Thank you so much Lovinganyway:
I would like to change, to better my communication skills and add a good dose of Openness and Honesty between us.

It seems to me, that if I say: “choosing to believe” that is insulting to her information gathering and conclusion making abilities. I would prefer to say that just plainly, she is missing valuable information that I could provide her or that she is unaware that x y z and so naturally believes that …
DLK21

Just as an update,

I sent her flowers and a note (the bouquet may have been to big.)
:
On this day, your birthday, I wanted to say that you are the most important person in my life.
BS

2 days and no news from her.