He left the state and an attorney said I need to file asap.... someone on this site said it as well. He'll establish residency and then could file there. In this state the laws are 50-50. Plus our house is for sale, if it sells, he'll tie up the equity in another house and I won't get my money. He's put me through ******, emotionally and physically, he was violent again and i left him last Dec. He's barely seen his child and hasn't paid any child support. He thinks since he's paying our health insurance and making a $200 car payment he's doing so much. He makes 90k per year, I make a lot less although we are doing fine. Finally I threatened him and said to send money, he has a new bank job and I told him I'd serve him with a deputy at his new job, wouldn't make him look good, or he'll just willingly sign divorce papers. I understand the clerk can help me fill them out then I mail them to him and he has to sign and notorize them. I think I'll give him a week. The clerk said I could call her for an appointment. Then I think I'll hire an attorney to get mean, let him think I'll do it on my own then mail him. He's so manipulative. he's getting by with no responsibilities for his child, could basically care less, didn't help with him when I was there. I know I need to get on with this, I just think it's awful to do during the Holidays. My mom says it'll be a reason to celebrate, that I'm getting on with my life, maybe I'll have to think about it that way... It's almost been a year, obviously nothing is changing, he's mean and rude on the phone. Says it was my choice to leave him so he doens't have to send child support, hes' going to have to pay at least $600 I found in the divorce papers - plus health insurance, plus give me 50% of anything he bought in five years of marriage. He's hoping I'll walk and not fight. He's going to get mean and crazy, sometimes I'm afraid of him. I'm glad he left the state, I won't have to explain as my boy gets older why his dad lives 4-5 hours away and won't drive to see him. The sick man, I went to the house got the rest of my stuff while he was gone, there was porn tapes, booze everywhere and a message on a machine from some girl taking aobut "hooking up" with him, who didn't leave her number or name so he knew there THAT well. But all he does is say he's alone and wants us back. What's wrong with me that I don't just divorce him NOW?

Whatever State he moved to , you need to find out how long it takes to become a resident there. In most States you can't file until you become a resident. The advantage is knowing the marriage and CS laws of your State and his.

Example: If I had filed in my State, I would have paid CS until my kids were 22. Letting exww file in her State I paid until they were 18.

In 2001 she divided the marital debt and will still pay her portion for 3 more years and is still under a court order if she defaults. Thats an 8 year court involvement. Me, I've paid everything, I'm done with my portion and have no ties to any court system.

So when she had OM, CS and new car, she thought she was on top leaving me behind when in fact she was really putting herself in bondage and a longterm trap....So get the facts!

"I know I need to get on with this, I just think it's awful to do during the Holidays."

I have been reading your saga, and this seems to be an example of your problem. You seem to be a somewhat normal, maybe a little emotional, person. Your husband, seems narcissistic. I am not even sure of his story. He is self involved, or he wants to get away from you for whatever reason. Either way, you are expecting that he act like a normal person toward you. He won't. Stop expecting normal results from him. So after all he has done to you and your child, you are still worried about upsetting his holidays. He doesn't care about holidays. You care about Holidays. You don't need to treat him like you would treat a normal person. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child, and move on with your life. Don't feel the need to protect him.

Yes I think the man is narcissistic, so self centered and completely self absorbed. The shrink said he wasn't worried about me and the baby, or child support, he's so caught up in HIM. It's all about HIM, always has been I guess.

I don't really understand co-dependency. But it does appear that I was wrapped up in trying to figure him out for four years of a marriage. What he does doesn't make sense, the way he's trying to "get me back" is totally absurd. But how I think about it is absurd. Did he drag me into this way of thinking or what?

Yes I am a mostly normal person, perhaps too emotional and over reactive. I am trying to work on that. I don't let him drag me into his fights anymore on the phone. The shrink said to just sit back and watch what he called "the show" of my husband, and he's right, it has nothing to do with me most of the time. The man's just so unstable these days. Somehow I still feel sorry for him. What a pathetic way to go through life, being so controlling, critical and always having to be right to the point of losing your child and marriage. He even admitted to me that his pride gets in the way, he's been to 26 weeks of anger management yet I see no signs of wakeup or change.

Yes I know I need to protect myself and my child. It's time to file for a divorce. I need to get on with my life, basically I already have. He's barely a part of it, most weeks I don't even hear from him. He could basically care less other then he's lying to his new job saying his wife and child will move there to another state pending the sale of my business and the house. Crazy, he even mailed a copy of a small newspaper article to my mom saying that - I have no intention of selling my business, and if the house sells, I'm taking my share and not going to be with him.

Is that a narrcisst? Doesn't listen to a word I say. Was I so pathetic I let him rule my life for four years of marriage? Guess I was. Yet I still built my own business, kept my finances separate and had my own life. I was already protecting myself from him even in marriage, it was so insane to live with him that I was just overly independent. I think marriage must be about working together and compromise, ours was a constant fight, him remaining in power over me, I think he enjoyed the fight. Once he "got me" which he never really did, he trashed me.

I just don't understand.

You need to read the discussion forums at:
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home.htm
and see if it sounds like your man. I think it will.

"Once he "got me" which he never really did, he trashed me."
They call that D&D, which I think stands for Devalue and Discard.
But you are still feeding his narcissistic supply so he hasn't gotten rid of you yet. You have to stop supplying him, so he won't want you around anymore.

Yup, that's HIM....