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Joined: Dec 2001
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I don't want my husband to have sex with me while I sleep and I don't know what to do to get him to stop. I have told him how I feel about it, that I feel hurt and romatically neglected, even that I feel he is taking a shortcut to satisfy his needs without having to meet mine for romance to get "in the mood". I have not lost interest in sex but do have had periods where I am tired from dealing with children, have low libido from hormones especially from breastfeeding, or have a flare up of my OCD. He has done this less and less over time but did it again recently. I told him that having sex with an unconscious person is like rape (may even be rape) but he says that when he touches me I giggle in my sleep and hold him, yet I have no memory of it. It doesn't feel right. I would like romance and to be able to consciously enjoy the sex. This requires quite a bit of effort on his part sometimes. Is he just lazy? Any suggestions?

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Wow. I'm trying to imagine how I would react to something like this but I really have no idea! How do you know that he is doing this? Do you wake up in the middle of it or what? Does it make you sore because you aren't "prepared" and you wake up with soreness?

Most people don't do anything unless there is a payoff. What is his performance like when you are a fully awake participant? Does he have performance anxiety or something? Does he just want the end result without having to go through foreplay and such first? And if so, why?

He is kind of using you, and I don't blame you for being upset. If I were you I would definitely try to get to the bottom of why he feels compelled to have sex with you while you are sleeping. He must have a reason for doing this.


TexasBlondie Single (Divorced--11 Years) 2 sons, 19 and 23
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In order to answer your questions I have to be a little graphic, but I either wake up while it is going on or immediately afterwards because semen and condom lubrication cause me to itch and wake me from sleep. I don't get sore but I itch. When I say I feel hurt I mean emotionally and not physically. Sometimes I get a panic attack right after he finishes.

When we are awake he is usually a good lover, however, he is the only person I have ever had sex with so I cannot compare his "performance" to anyone else. I only know that I am reasonably satisfied most of the time. Sometimes I feel it was wonderful and sometimes that it was mediocre. He does tend to neglect foreplay but I have been the type of person who has usually been very quick to be ready. Now that I am older, (we have been married twenty years), I am a little slower but at sometimes of the month my body behaves just as it did when I was a teenager.

He says that he feels that he may be addicted to the release tension provided by sex. In the past he has masturbated but he doesn't want to do this as he says he wants all sex to be with me and in our marriage.

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I think your H needs to learn some self control, and you need to establish some strong boundaries and stick to them. Even if it means sleeping in a different room with a lock on the door until your H learns to respect you.

The fact that you have to check and see if this is OK makes me nervous.

Does he stomp over other boundaries you establish?

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He has actually suggested that I lock him out of the room.

I have self control because I care how other people feel and sometimes because of fear of punishment/consequences. I'm not sure how to help him learn self control. Please point me in the right direction or perhaps you can give specific information.

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Look honey,

Tell your husband there are some new rules. You are going to take turns being in charge of sex. Actually you want to use the term, "sex slave". You are going to take turns being each other's sex slave. (I know 'sex slave' is repulsive, but it turns men on.)

The rules are simple. When it is his turn, he can wake you up, do 'whatever' as long as it is not painful.

When it is your turn, do what YOU want and make HIM do what you want. Give Mr. "Clueless" a script if you have to. Drag it out all day long. Go without a bra and panties and flash him everytime you walk past. He cannot touch you unless and until and exactly where you want him to. Make sure he pleasures you at least a couple of times before you even let him inside you because he won't last long.

Little by little you'll show "Clueless" that if he didn't fake foreplay, you wouldn't have to fake orgasms.


Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20

Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8

Happily married 30+ years
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I like that pieta. Almost as much as the Sex Diet I saw on Oprah yesterday. No I wasn't purposely watching Oprah. It was on when I came home from work. My wife was watching.


- where to begin....
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I'll admit it, I think it's a turn on. Something about a girlfriend sleeping peacefully naked is very beautiful and a turn on. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and start having sex with my girlfriend-- she was alseep at first. She would soon wake up but she was dazed and we were both in this half-awake half-asleep state and I/we thought it was fun. Once in a blue moon she complained that she was annoyed that I woke her up but it was never an issue of feeling violated.

I found out early that my wife wasn't into that at all. She said it made her feel violated. So it's really as simple as wether you give consent ahead of time or wether you say it's not ok. You say it's not ok so at that point it does start to become similar to rape. No doubt your husband is super horny and it is a problem of him controlling himself just like you say but what he is doing is not right.

I like the idea that someone else gave which is you take turns. He gets to have it his way this week but has to back off next week. If he violates it the week where he's not supposed to, he needs to get councelling or some kind of help and if that doesn't work, you need a separation.

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I'm too lazy to look up your story, but does he have other control issues? That behavior can be one of the warning signs of a person who can be abusive. On the other hand, he could just be half asleep and not aware he's starting it.

It bothers me that he's suggested that you lock him out to prevent it. He's made it your responsiblity instead of his own. If it continues to happen, will it be your fault for not locking him out?

Dobie


Me - BS DDay 1 (Multiple affairs while overseas) - Feb 2003 DDay 2 (AdultFriendFinder Profile) - April 2007 Seeing a counselor. I think we have him stumped.
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There is a big difference between putting some zest in the old sex life, and violating somebody sexually after they have asked it to stop.

You need to draw a boundary that says the behavior at this point in time is completely unacceptable. If it fuels some fantasy of his, then perhaps at some time in the future when you feel more comfortable, you may be willing to entertain the notion, but until then, no.

And if he really, really can' tcontrol himself, then the two of you need to get some serious therapy. Him for his lack of self control and narcissism and selfishness, and you for such low self-respect that you allow it.

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I agree many of the postings here.
If you've clearly told him this makes you feel violated, and he's seen you have panic attacks afterwards...that isn't love.
Not only does he need to learn to control himself, he may also need to learn to care about someone on their terms and not his own.
A relationship must meet the needs of BOTH involves. It ceases to be healthy when only one person's needs are met.
Violating you sexually while you are asleep would be a dealbreaker for me. Sure, the first time he may have not realized it, especially if you responded to him. But...you've been married 20 yrs and he still doesn't get the idea that this is a problem? He's not going to unless you clearly tell him that it is not acceptable.
I'd agree that this is right on the line of being rape, and if he gets off to the idea of that...sorry to say so...but that is sick.


Both in our thirties, married with toddlers, wanting to save our marriage and make a healthy and happy relationship for both of us.
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My friend used to go through this almost nightly and unfortunately she suffered physical consequences. She now has seizures and they say it's from being awakened in the middle of the night. She could not say no to her H, but now that the doc says no more wakey wakey, her H has decided to leave her alone at night. She is so relieved. I, on the other hand, told my H early on in our 20 year marriage that he better not ever wake me up at night for that and he has respected that rule. I think you need to put your foot down now and get really pissed next time and tell him he will have to take care of you if you start having seizures and crash the car and become paraplegic. Enough is Enough.

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Again, I agree with wasp. Horsefeathers, I think that it is pretty disgusting that he would violate you like that when he knows that you do not appreciate it. As subzerogal posted, make a scene when he does it to you again.

However, I do understand that making love to a sleeping beauty may be a fantasy for him. I know it is for me. Of course my W made it abundantly clear that it is never acceptable for me to violate her when she is asleep and I would never ever want to do that to her. However, many times when we make love, she pretends to be asleep from the beginning to the end. It is actually extremely arousing for both us, with me moving as gently as possible in order not to wake her up from her pretend deep sleep, and with her trying to not speed up her breathing or to tense up as she orgasms.


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.
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Marital rape is what is going on here and in every state and most countries there are laws that protect women now days. These laws are new. They have only been established since the 1970s. Do some research on the internet with the words marital-rape. I'm not computer literate enough to give you the links. People in their 60s and older will have the most trouble getting their hands around this consept. The law used to allow a man to have sex under any condition if he was married. Some religions used to condone this behavior also. It is obvious that this is not loving but noone has pointed out that it is also illegal. Maybe that fact will be enough to help him get his act together.


Me (BS) 49 FWS 53 Married 8-14-97 PA 5-4 to 8-23-04 My kids S 13, D 23, D 27 His kids D 15, S 17, S 19, S 20, D 25, D 29 brennekerealty@hotmail.com
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Horsefeathers, my STBX used to do similar stuff to me. I would often wake up in the middle of night with my pajamas pulled down.

Initiating sex while you're asleep can be a disorder, like sleep walking. However, that doesn't sound like that's what's going on with you and your H.

I would always confront my H the next day, and he would claim he didn't remember, that he had been asleep. He always seemed embarassed. However, b/c he once took several photos of me while I was asleep, I doubt his sincerity.

I wrote about this under the "Other topics" forum.


(Formerly SadMommy05) BS, 29 (me) XH, 27 DD, 1 M, 2001 high school sweethearts OW, 36, divorcee, "we have a friendship people can't understand" WH left out of the blue 9/5/2005 I filed 11/1/2005 D finalized 6/20/06 XH and OW married 1/6/07. Ugh!
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hello this is my first time in this section but title made me write.
when my h and i were in early marrige i had 5 children 4 from pastm . i was tired often so i told h it was okay for him to try while i was asleep if i let him okay if during it i woke and told him to stop he needed to stop. often i would wake up being tottally into it. unfortunatly at that time it seemed that was the only way he could get it i have since learned that if i give it to him more regurly he doesnt need to do that and even doesnt ask me for it all the time. i have learned how sex is important. ive read the caring and feeding of husbands which also helped alot also. i dont want him to ever have a reason to go to someone else. no its not a good excuse but have learend that that is how most h feel loved so as dr laura says do it even if u dont want to it keeps your man happy and in return he makes u happy. goodluck

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I think the main difference is that you gave your consent for him to have sex with you while you were asleep. I've been with girls that found it erotic and pashionate and intense to be woken up with sex in the middle of the night. Others see it as a violation of their body and an interruption to their sleep.
This woman is not comfortable with it yet the husband percisits.
The thing is... I've been there. I used to find it highly erotic. I did feel almost posessed where I'd wake up at 3am and feel like an animal. Once it became clear just how much my wife objected to it, I soon stopped. When I lay down to sleep now, the thought doesn't even enter my mind that I might have sex before dawn. Maybe this husband needs a similar mind-shift.

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Quote
ive read the caring and feeding of husbands which also helped alot also. i dont want him to ever have a reason to go to someone else. no its not a good excuse but have learend that that is how most h feel loved so as dr laura says do it even if u dont want to it keeps your man happy and in return he makes u happy.

I don't 100% agree with him but Dr Harley says that you shouldn't do things sacrificially-- what helps one person is hurting the other. If having sex is causing pain or making you feel like a sex object, then you should be careful because you will end up building resentment towards you husband. An example of how to solve the problem would be to learn about guy's sex drives and that they don't mean harm. That they truely do love a woman beyond sex. That education might help you not feel like a sex object as much. Then you can become ok with having sex. His gain does not necessarily hurt you.

But in this case, his gain is clearly hurting her.

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I used to have sex with my XW in the middle of the night after our marriage had lost its intimacy and I hadn't the time or energy to let it take place any other time. But ususally there was some arousal on one or both of our parts in the night that caused it. I.e., an erotic dream. Maybe the fact that we slept in the nude accounted for some of it too. I would think that anyone would be awakened by someone taking their pajamas down. Try sleeping with tie up sweats or a chastity belt ;-)


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