I need to tell my story to someone, so here goes. I came home a few weeks ago (I was at a football game and wife was at a charity function with her dad)and waiting for me was a friend (female half of a couple we are friends with) and she indicated that she needed to talk to me about something. That something was a complete shocker to me. She point blank asked me if I thought something was "going on" between my wife and her husband. I answered "no, why would you ask me that?" She asked me if I had noticed the amount of time they spent together. Well, I knew that they had some marriage problems and that, over the summer, he was talking to my wife and they would spend quite a bit of time somewhat removed from others "talking." You see, I never gave it much of a thought because I had complete trust in my wife. But our "friend" made me start to think, "hmmmm? Maybe I need to look at this situation a little closer." They have spent alot of time talking. Where one would go, the other would almost always follow. I discovered that they left the house one night, went to a park and sat in the car and "talked" until 4 am. I was told that others had made mention that they seemed "quite taken with each other." Another thing, my wife started a housing rehab project and hired this man to do odd jobs and they have spent quite a few nights working on the project. Once again, I didn't give that much thought, until now. When my wife returned the next day, I told her about the conversation and the things I had been told. She absolutely swore to me that there was no affair and that the relationship was "innocent." Just friends talking. She then kind of laid on the the "however" and that went something like this: She said that she has been unhappy in our marriage for quite some time and was trying to find the right time to discuss the problems with me. One part that hurt me badly was that she said that it was talking with time man that made her realize that she was unhappy. This made my mind race! We had quite a discussion thereafter and I'll simply try to get to the highlights. Just so you know, about 3 weeks has passed since that time and the time of this writing. First of all, for my responsibility. I have given great thought to what she had to say about why she was unhappy and I believe that for the most part I have taken responsibility. I did socially drink and she thought it was excessive, I think I understand why and I am trying to fix that. I have shown a temper and I've felt that I've had stress in my life and when I'd go home to find that the dogs had torn something up or the like, I would show my temper. I'm trying to fix that too. We have, over the years, gotten into a situation where we seemed to fall out of love and our priorities have gone in different directions. I think I know now that this happened because we were not working at our marriage but rather focusing entirely too much on what "I" wanted. Those are a couple of reasons for her unhappiness and let's suffice it to say that I've done a lot of soul searching over the past few weeks along with some research and I am totally committed to working on my problems and fixing my marriage. I love this woman more than anything and my life is now consumed with finding out what to do to make it work. I've read alot from Dr Harley, I've read other books on faith and marriage and I believe that I have a good understanding now of what needs to happen, at least enough for a good start.

My problem is that I am now wanting to work on our marriage and she keeps telling me that she needs time and space. I suggested counselling to which she agreed but tagged on the excuse that we can't afford it. So I sought alternatives like this website for example and after reading some of the material I asked her if I could share it with her from time to time and we could talk. She said yes, but when I tried to do that, she pulled away and said "I feel like your pushing me into something that I don't want to do and your driving me away." She seems to be entirely focused on the negative and I don't know what to do. She keeps telling me that I need make sure that I'm doing for the right reasons regardless of what happens with our marriage. Am I wrong or does this sound like she's already decided that it's over? I've sought spritual help so that I may understand God's will. I feel as if I'm working my tail off to understand how to make our marriage it should be for us and in accordance with God's will, but she doesn't seem to want to "come to the table." This crushes me and I get overcome with depression and then I usually go running for this website or a book to find some peace, some understanding, and to strengthen my faith.

I just don't want to lose hope. I love her dearly and I want to make this work. I will forgive anything that needs forgiving. I just don't know where else to turn.

Hollo,
I am exactly in the same position but learned of it not long ago. I hope all is getting better. Please let me know how it is working out. I don't get any positive feedback from my wife and she is looking for space. My problem is, do I cave in and give her space or do I stand my ground? My wife is very focused and has high expectations of herself. The problem is that she says she sees me as a friend. I also have children. I am scared and want desperately to save my marriage.

Gentlemen there is a real problem when a womn is unhappy we don't need much from you just time and romance some honesty and fun. Sir your wife sounds like she is having her fun and dragging her feet in telling you but the way you wrote it the affair started with the talks with guy if they are following each other trust me more has happened than talking they have bonded somehow through their hurt and lack in their marriages not that that is ur fault some women after awhile want more and if a man listens and says some good words and make her laugh and smile she will become comfortale enough to tell him her business some men play these games to attack a good marriage if your wife looks to be a June Clever and you have her and he can see good in her he will try his hand that is just HONESTY for you. I know I got sucked in by a guy who saw a change to try but you knowe what I saw it before my husband did and I told my husband how I felt because I was sooo trusting to this other guy that I started to have feelings for him. And almost left my marriage he he was marriage as well I was wrong and my husband has never to this day let me forget it but I try to make up for it everyday. Good Luck to you. Just be your wonderful self ok. To stay is on her whether you like it or not .

For krj and kitchen,

I really think you should cut and paste your posts and move them to the Infidelity Forum under General Questions.

I am sorry to say, but both your wives are talking like women in affairs. They resist your attempts because they don't want to give up the quickfix they found. They will make it all your fault. It isn't. You have your part (big kudos on soul searching) and they have theirs.

You will get a lot more responses in General Questions. Get the book, "Not Just Friends" and read it. Understand that opposite sex friendships destroy marriages. Your spouses are getting their needs met elsewhere.

Read up on Plan A and No Contact. If they are just friends, then they will be willing to end contact and work on the marriage. Time to begin being intimate with your wives...sharing your thoughts and feelings. No confrontation. Give them your truth. Practice here.

Krj...be sure to call back the OM's wife and validate her concerns. Tell her you believe they are having an affair and your plan to save your marriage. Give her this website.

Here's a link to get you started:

WAT's QuickStart Guide for Betrayed Spouses

It is true you didn't understand that male friends can supplant you in your spouses' heart. It is your WS choice to have an affair. However, all the time you were drifting apart, doing your things, calling it total trust and not inattention, well, you know your part.

Read the 15 hours of undivided attention and the Recovery articles by the Harleys. You can save your marriage. I'm living proof. And you can learn a new way to love. Educate yourself, not your spouse.

Your intent is pure and true. Keep it that way. Come here to let out what you're doing, get support and guidance and know you're not alone. This isn't about you. You aren't defective or wrong. You a human being in a tough situation that you can learn a lot from.

Sorry, kitchen. Her wanting to just be your friend is a sure sign she has turned away from you. Make your own thread and tell your story. See how you got to this point.

This isn't women who need care---all humans need care. You know you do. I do. But ladychevy is right...when our lovebanks drain, it doesn't take much, just a tiny few things, to turn our heads.

The great news is, that once you get on the ball and let yourself be present and there for us, it doesn't take much to turn us back because you are who we wanted all along.

Got that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Okay, now the biggest resistance is our own guilt. You can't change that. We have to, but we need you to put the marriage first, highest priority and stick by us.

Hero's journey, guys. You can do it.

LA