Hey guys,

OK I need your help! Desperately! I have been suspecting my partner of cheating for some time. He is the quiet type and won’t admit to it. A main setback is that he knows I am pretty cluey so he has been very careful and possibly covering his tracks well.

I have done a lot of internet research and read much info. I understand that if I am asking myself the cheating question in the first place, there must be an obvious problem. But I don't want to jump to conclusions either or be paranoid.

The partner has always insisted it is against his morals to cheat.

He works in a job that requires lots of phone calls. So checking bills is a bit of a maze. He also has his own mobile, one for work and for work after hours. The work phone bills don’t come at our postal address but at his place of work.

This morning I found an SMS in his ‘sent items’ (personal mobile) that read: "Hey baby. Call you when I get home. X". I tired dialing the number a few times but a message comes up that the person is unavailable. Maybe she is at work. I will try again after business hours.

Meanwhile I am shaking from upset. Guys, I need your expert advice on how to further investigate so that I may have concrete evidence when I confront him. I don't want him to get cautious to the extent that I will never find proof for myself. I need evidence to boot him out.

If he is cheating I will end boot him out because of the way he has been lying. I told him many times the truth would never offend me no matter how bad it is. I was willing to work through issues. But the strong protest against possibilities of cheating is what makes me angry.

Please let me know if you have any ideas on how to confirm if there is really cheating going on.

Last year I helped a friend catch his cheating wife. I felt I owed it to him. But that was an easy catch because I was able to locate copies of the emails the wife was sending to her lover on the pc hard drive. In my case the partner knows I am computer savvy so he is careful and he also knows I catch on fast. The emailing system he uses at work I have no access to ... I only know his email address at work.

Two weeks ago I went into the car and did a search. Found nothing incriminating.

Please any ideas would be great right now as I can't even think straight. I have dedicated 8 and a half years of my life to this relationship, not to be done over in this way. I need to know for closure.

Around a week and a half ago the partner and I had an argument … we have been having problems for the last few years. We were ready to call the relationship off but we made up. In the heat of argument I told him if he has someone else or doesn't have feelings for me then the door is in close proximity. I told him I don't want him to be sticking around because it is the convenient thing to do nor because he hasn't the courage to walk. He still denied any affairs and we made up. Things seemed OK until yesterday when he got really moody. He has justified his quietness or moodiness in the past as a result of being tired from work.

A call came through on his after hours work phone late last night. You see he is into security and every now and then he gets calls that report a fault at odd hours. This brought about my suspicions and the search of his personal phone this morning.

He had recently bought a phone which is extremely difficult to navigate. Maybe he thought I can't access stuff on it and so did not delete that SMS that signaled the red flag for me. My mate who caught his wife cheating told me to keep an eye out and eventually the partner would slip up. How do I know if that SMS is his slip up? I can't use that message as evidence, I need something stronger. I know him well and if I brought it up now he would 1) get angry I checked his phone 2) would turn it around and justify the SMS as one of the playful messages he sends to friends. He jokes with mates with stupid messages sometimes. I still think there is more to it. The phone number the SMS was sent to doesn’t match any of his friends’. Please help. I need to confirm things. Any suggestions?

Thanks.

By the way, reverse number look ups are an impossibility for me because I am outside the US. goldcst@hotmail.com

Maritsa,

many mobile carriers have online account access which displays SMS and txt addressees, dates, and times, although not message content. if your accounts are completely separate, you probably won't be able to get into his, though.

Also, if he does any contact via a PC which you can get physical access to, there are ways to get his passwords which are undetectable by all anti-spyware and firewall programs. Once you have those passwords, it opens up more options.

They all lie when they cheat. The more he feels you are suspicious, the more careful he will be.

You could get a voice activated tape recorder and put it in his vehicle. That sometimes works.

In the meantime, read all about emotional needs here, and try to start meeting his.

Has he ever cheated on you before or was it only that you thought he had someone on the side? Perhaps you are reliving the past experience with him.

You state 8 1/2 years of a relationship, are you married?

If you feel uncomfortable with his behavior lately, why can't you ask him about the phone call?

Yes, you would have to tell him that you were checking up on him, but he will eventually find that out anyway and if it is a "wrong number" etc, he should have no problem advising you of such.

Check out Keylogger Software.

Jim

A voice-activated digital recorder taped onto the carpet underneath his driver's seat would have told me all I needed to know back in the day... wish I'd thought of it then.

MSA

Be sure to get the DIGITAL voice activated recorder.

Buy it with cash and really hide the receipt (usually you can return the $80-$90 within 30 days). This may be illegal in your locale so if you ever got caught, deny, deny, deny. Either your partner is setting you up (by placing the recorder there himself) or a sneaky security competitor is getting really aggressive.

Now take the recorder and tuck it up and under the passenger seat or drivers seat where it can not be seen.

You'll likely get all the info you need.

Mr. W

i just recently found out myself, of HA. He was hiding his cell phone.. (calling card activated.. ) and locked it. He ended up leaving out one night as he had to run an errand for me.. I went in wrote down all the numbers to "initials". gave him a couple of days to tell me whether or not there were girls in there that i did not know. He said no. I called the numbers, all from co-workers, 2 were girls.. this started the fall of the secret life. One girl sounded convincing enough saying nothing happened and for me to look at the other girl. This girl ended up being right. I also got a hold of one of his guy friends at work and spoke to his wife. to this day H does not know we talked. Her H told me alot after i revealed some truth in which my H had lied to him making me out to be a not so good person. He remains to talk to H and has been a main resource for me. Do you know any of his co-workers? If you can borrow another car...Can you go to his job and park somewhere to see who he goes ot to lunch with? Can you follow him? I would start there... I found clothes i new he did not buy. i searched his car and found a girls note along with a new shirt frol ON that i know he did no buy.. hope this helps.

Although I found out my wife was having an A before computing really exploded(1995), I tore into her pocketbook and found a work schedule. It turned out not to be his work schedule, but his wife's work schedule. So they knew when they could be together at his place.

Check deeply in his wallet, in all the little knooks and crannies where you can hide stuff. Check all the hidden pockets of his laptop bag for stuff. Is he carrying around condoms in his bag. Keep a count of the condoms at home if you use them.

If his company's email has web access, see if you can crack the password. Have him log in from home and try to see the password that he is using. With his permission of course. Do this with all other accounts too so you can view purchases. All with his permission of course.

The DIGITAL voice activated recorder is the best bet. Rather than the floor under the seat place in the pockets behind the drive seat (facing the rear passenger). Make sure it’s digital as the clicking of a tape recorder will give it away.
Another option is placing a small GPS in his car. Hide it somewhere in the trunk. Need to reload battery every 2 days or so but after a week you will have a pretty clear picture of his roaming. You can then quickly drive to these sites and see if any are suspicious. I have heard of a guy who found out using GPS that his W was at a certain place most Tuesdays at a certain time. He went there two Tuesdays in a row and the later time caught his W entering an apartment with a man from her office.