Ok, here is my story….. Both my wife and I are 30…..been married 10 years and have one child age 4. I have not been the best kind of husband by any means. There was a stretch there that I didn’t show her affection, sex was monthly at best and I had an addiction to porn on the internet. I realize that the addiction was causing all my other prolems. Unfortunately it took me finding out that she was spending time with OM that what I was doing was wrong.

I have known that they have been talking for 4 weeks now. At first I tried to just take care of myself and show her that I was changing and becoming a better person. All the while letting her go out and talk to him. (she would tell me that she was going out with work people, but I knew the truth) About two weeks ago I called her out on it and was hoping her to realize that I knew. She sort of scoffed at the idea and said they were just friends and I needed to mind my own business. I told her that 800 minutes on the cell phone to him in a matter of a week is my business and that can’t be healthy to our relationship.

So, I went back to working on myself again, hoping that she would see…..and of course we had good days and bad…..but she would still go out under the guise that she was hanging out with work friends. I kept a smile on my face and supported her. Tried to keep the housework up, etc. The only times she wanted to touch me or have sex would be after she was out all night drinking. I don’t know if it was guilt or he worked her up, but she had enough reservation as to not do anything with him.

Well, I found out about a phone he gave her, so their talk time didn’t show up anymore. I confronted her on that and found out that she had kissed him while at the bar really drunk. She said she didn’t even remember it…….whatever…

So last night, she was out again and I had just about had it. She came home to me awake. I told her to stop denying that you are having an affair. And that I know what is going on and I am not stupid. She tried to walk away and just ignore the subject. I told her I read her emails and know how she has talked to him, how she longs for him and her heart aches….puke… Well, she immediately said, I want out, I want a divorce. I want a separation now, you need to move out. I told her that I wasn’t going to move out. So she said that she will move out and that she will be contacting a lawyer. I am hoping this is all fog talk…….God, I hope it is…..

I tried to keep my cool when talking to her, but I have had this bottled up inside for awhile. I got loud, but I don’t believe yelling by any means.

Please tell me there is hope, what should I do from here? If she leaves what should I do?

Should I contact OM? He is single, never married….but I do have his cell phone number.

Should I back away now? And just try and support her anyway I can. She says she doesn’t want me to tell her that I love her, and definitely not to touch her. Will this get better?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Be sure you stay in the home, and if anyone leaves, let it be her.

How did she meet this man? Do they work together?

Hi Lost,

Your story is very similar to mine. I got some great advice. I still have an uncertain future but things have improved a great deal. Listen to the people here.

This is a problem. You need to take a serious look at this before you can do any marriage building. From what you have posted about the drinking this sounds like she has a problem with alcohol.

If this is in fact the case the MB methods are not going to work UNTIL the alcohol issue is addressed FIRST.

I don`t know what YOU think about her drinking but it does seem to be an issue. Substance abuse and infidelity go hand in hand. Your W is a married women. She has no business going out to bars without YOU. She has no business getting DRUNK. She`s 30...not 17. This is a BIG red flag.

I suggest to you take a look at the "Welcome Thread" on the Emotional Needs section of the boards. And you can also do a search on substance abuse on this site. Then do an internet search on alcohol abuse.

Your M can recover from this. But you have to get your ducks in a row...and tackle the issues in the proper order.

Several of us here have dealt with the same problem so we can offer you support and advice.