My biggest obstable in getting back together with my ex, is our distrust and his finances. After the split we had two homes and now nothing much. He is dangerous with a credit card and I wil not move back in with him unless everything is in his name so he is the one accountable-right now we are vistiting relatives for the holidays but the issue of who pays comes down on me all the time. I don't mind if he doesn't support me, but he has to maintain the household himself, and pay for food, gas. he hates travelling for that reason and he never likes to go far unless it's to family.

So we have to figure out some sort of strategy where I work, keep my own money and he does too. I dont' even care that he's not ambitious-I have dated men that were and they were just interested in sex, and having things their way-I imagine I am too used to my ex at this point and vice versa.

Anyone had this idea or plan? My ex is all for it as he is bored and lonely and near 50 now, without close family nearby, and we were each other's first loves. I am seeing a counsellor next week, but the suspense is eating me up as to whether or not we will be able to live together again.

At the same time I have met a few single men who are interesting, only one is sweet and responsible and he has three sons by another marriage. I would essentially become another family and give up the one I had. Does it matter more how much you commit than the financial state of your spouse? This other man can be moody too, and we would have to live together-as I wont have sex without going that step. He is hesitant to do that but he wants me to come over and spend the night weekends to do fun things.

I am doing that now, but I want the best of both worlds live with my ex and do things on the weekend with men and women, not just single men. What I mean is expand the circle.

I like the new man I met but I wonder why it takes me so long to trust and get to know someone? Even if we lived together it would take years to really trust deep down, to the point where I wonder if I have trust issues. The new man only seems to want to make plans when I commit to spending the night-without sex because I want it that way-and then we talk about the future-but he seems distrustful too, as he is worried there will be no sex in the relationship and wants to talk about it. I would prefer we spend more tme together but his work schedule and his family make it tough.

Another issue is that my ex is not that romantic physically because he honestly does not like sex as much as cuddling-I have to be very careful not to make him jealous and be honest with myself as to how much sex really means to me.

It's not a case of one issue, he's an individual and I see him as part of me. I can't be objective and at the same time I know I must be as he doesn't want to plan much. He was never a planner, he is good at other things encouragement support, but he will never be that bright, ambitious, the kinds of things I idealized. How hard will we have to work? Has anyone else had this scenario? he won't go to counselling, absolutely not. He is very old fashioned in his values and conservative. I am younger but I like having him nearby, I lvoe him for his humour and warmth, I am not sure if I was meant to have a more passionate relationship or if I need it. I do know I want to see him happier than he is now and have a relationship again-and rationally it's hard to do that and not commit. On the other hand if he finds someone else, I will not stand in his way, as he can't talk about what he finds unattractive about me, and probably never will. I think a non pressured commmitment would be best. Should we live near each other for a year to see?

I am not sure if I can afford to contribute to both households, and I will have to travel in any case a few hours each way to his home because he wants a big home outside the city.

I know he loves me but how much will the financial problems overcome us if they did before?
IT seems no matter who I commit to, I have to all the planning, work in the relationship, caring for the home, supporting and encouraging, and building the trust without any hope of actually living with someone. It would be weekends only. I get fed up with that because I had a relationship last year with a man who was all about the weekends and it ended badly. I just know that I have to all the planning, pushing, prodding, arranging, and I can't expect much for it because that's the commitment.

But at what point do you know what works and what doesn't without living with someone?

Thank you,
Nat

Nat,

Things don't sound too promising. I agree that he should pay his own way. If he can't do that then it will put a very big strain on the relationship. Look over His Needs, Her Needs and realize why the money subject is important to you.
I married a man I thought would be responsible, he was an asst. manager for WAL-MART. Boy was I wrong. Yes, I was a stay at home wife, but that was due to seizures that were being a pain to try and control. I had lived alone w/my 2 kids for 10yrs before we met, so I had learned to live on a limited income. But I kept the bills paid and food on the table for the kids. I had to have someone take me to shop - I had a car, but once the seizures started I couldn't drive anymore.
I tried to share all my shortcomings with him before we married, but he hid lots of things from me. I didn't find out until we'd been married for a few months and tried to get a vehicle big enough for us and all the kids that he had bad credit. I spent several months trying to pay off the pages of bills he'd left unpaid each time he changed stores. I was shocked. In the mean time, my credit had built up very well over the years. So when we bought a vehicle, guess who's name was the responsible party? That's right - me. Well, anytime we went to do anything where money was involved it was the same old story. And he made good enough money that if he'd stick to the budget we made together things would have been great. But he was a big spender too. Eventually I had to take him off the credit cards I had because he maxed them all out. Good greif, I don't know why it took me so long to realize that he wasn't going to change until he HAD to.
Of course we ended up splitting up, not so much because of the money as other matters. Basically he refused to work on his independent behavior and follow the poja. But to this day I still have bill collectors calling the house hunting him. He's still using our phone # as a # for his bills. ( I did manage to help his credit rating over the 5yrs we spent together) So he's still not changing. You better be careful and don't let your emotions rule what you do. I know you'd like for the two of you to be closer again, but you can't let him drag you down for the rest of your life. BTW I ended up with 23 thousand dollars worth of bills in my name when we split because he refused them. And the attorney told me that w/my name being the cardholder, there really wasn't much I could do because his name had already been removed.
You're gonna do what you're gonna do, but BE CAREFUL and think through any consequences that will come of it before you do it. Any possible consequences. Let him prove himself first. If he can't do that while you two are apart, then it sure won't happen if you get back together!

Take Care,
&let us know what happens

Becki